I waited until I couldn’t see Lance’s SUV before I called my boss.
“What’s up, Alice?”
“Lance’s house is a death trap, I kicked him out of it until it can be properly renovated to be habitable, and he’s probably going to be on my couch for the next three weeks, because I can’t see that place being made sound before then. I have a card for his renovator, you have money. I need that money, and I also know what he wants done with the house. I also need someone to get his entire comic book collection out of my apartment within the next like hour, because I’m about to have a panic attack because I invited him to stay at my place because his house might try to kill him if I leave him there. Also, I adopted his attic, which is literally the only habitable space in his home. His bedroom was almost tolerable. There are two empty basement rooms that passed habitation requirements, but they were fixed during structural maintenance. He might die if he stays there. Of inhaling sawdust and chemicals and who knows what else.”
“Alice, calm down.”
“He is going to his office to do paperwork and his comics are all here and I have the plates for the Corvettes, and I don’t have a vehicle or enough places to hide things if he’s actually crashing on my couch!”
“Alice, it’s okay. Calm down. We can come get the comic collection and move them, and I can take the license plates and keep them at my house. I don’t have any client meetings today, so I can come over myself.”
“It’s going to take more than one SUV to move these comics. There are that many of them.”
“I’ll find a second volunteer with an SUV to help. Calm down. How bad is his house?”
“Bad. And that’s after a lot of work. He has to be miserable in there. He also assembled part of the puzzle, so I think he might be bored out of his mind because he can’t actually do anything in his house. I’m going to have to change all the pranks because the stuff I’d prank him with needs to be installed in his house so it’s habitable. But he told me what he wanted done with everything. Can it even be done in three weeks?” I groaned and bowed my head.
“We’ll find out. We’ll make the puzzles the stars of your prank and go with your final car prank and reveal his house at the end. Make his renovated house the final destination.”
Oh. That could work nicely. “So we’re going to send him on a scavenger hunt that leads him to his house?”
“Exactly. We can wrap the comics individually and give them to him in big deliveries every day, too.”
“No more glitter, though. The man’s house is a disaster. He’s excited about having a sufficiently working bathroom.”
“I’ll be over in about forty minutes, and I’ll bring one or two others to help move the comics. If you don’t want him on your couch, Julian and Chloe have a guest bedroom, too. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind, especially if you think it’s that bad.”
“It’s even worse than that bad. He can’t stay there. It’s awful. His house is going to be so nice when it’s done, but all he has is sawdust and potential right now.”
“There’s something to be said for sawdust and potential, Alice. He has something he’s working towards.”
“And no money to do it with. He’s pouring everything he has into his house. He got it cheap, but it was a disaster.”
“And he doesn’t make that much money. None of the lower level, rising star attorneys do. He doesn’t do badly, but he’s making enough for some luxuries and getting by.”
I understood that. “I’ll get an estimate from his renovation guy. He’s supposed to be starting the bathroom tomorrow and needs a week for that.”
“Fill me in when I get there. I’ll get on the road as soon as I recruit some help.”
“I don’t even know how this is possible. He seems so… so…”
“Like he has it all together?”
“Yes! That!”
My boss sighed. “I guess that’s part of why he is like he is. He likes pranking and comics because they’re fun. Everyone wants to be happy. He’s just going to have to work harder for it than most, and I think he knows that.”
“He said it would be ten years before he could finish his house.”
“Well, it’s going to happen a lot sooner than that. Are you sure you’re okay with him on your couch?”
“I invited him.”
To count my freckles and examine me in lingerie. My boss definitely didn’t need to know that.
“All right. If there are any issues, let me know.”
“Do you think he’s going to forgive me for this once he finds out where the money is coming from?”
“Would it make you feel better if you just paid for it yourself? For everything? And then let Arnold wage that war?”
Paying for everything myself would put me right back at square one, at zero, and living paycheck to paycheck.
But it would erase the consequences of his home being tied to his father’s legacy.
I hesitated before asking, “Can it be a mix of both?”
“What do you propose?”
“I’ll still do the scavenger hunt and showcase how his father had become a changed man. But I’ll change the story.”
“You’ll change the story?”
“I’ll have bought the classic for him from his father’s estate so he could have it, but that the car was picked for him by his father. And that it is the perfect car for him despite its history. And we’ll use it. Then he’ll have the modern Corvette for daily use.”
“But you’re in love with the classic.”
“I know. Anyone with a pair of eyes will fall in love with that car. But that car was really meant for him. I’ll fill it with all the things his father did good in the world, and I’ll have the scavenger hunt lead to the modern Corvette in his garage. I’ll get his car keys from him under guise of moving them out of the garage during inspections and renovations.”
“Sounds good. Do what you can with the budget you have, and we’ll see about how best to handle Lance’s fund.”
“Let it be Lance’s choice. I’ll pay for it even if I’m not paid back for it.”
Easy come, easy go.
“Alice.”
“What?”
“It’s a lot of money.”
“I’m aware, and I know exactly how I got the money. I see it in the mirror every day. I’m okay with my face being scarred. I’m not okay with him expecting to spend ten years before he has a home he can actually love. So the scars stay. So what?”
My boss chuckled. “Don’t be so defensive, Alice. It’s very sweet of you. As you wish, we’ll let Lance decide after it’s all said and done. And if it doesn’t work out, his place will be habitable.”
I got the feeling he meant a lot more than Lance just sleeping on my couch, and I worried he was right. I’d stick to my guns and enjoy it while I could, and I refused to regret my choice. “All right. I’ll see if I can get ahold of his contractor and speed up the renovation.”
“I’ll see you soon.”
I hung up on my boss, got out Renato’s business card, and called the number under the man’s name.
“Renato Desornes speaking.”
“Hi. My name is Alice Relin. I’m a friend of Lance McCarthy’s. I had a question for you.”
“Ah, Lance. Yes. How can I help you?”
“How much would it be to do the full renovation on his property, how much of it could your company finish in three weeks, and how much would it cost? I’d be selecting the appliances, I already know the themes of the rooms, and I have the money.”
The silence lasted for a full minute before the contractor choked out, “What?”
“Do you need me to repeat that or do you need a minute or two to come to terms with the request?” I giggled. “I’m all right with either. I was at his property a few minutes ago, that’s not habitable, and I kicked him out. He’ll be on my couch until I deem it’s habitable and not a moment sooner. He’ll call to verify, as I told him this after I gave him marching orders to get enough stuff for the next few weeks.”
“Thank holy gods, there is someone sensible I can work with in this world. Are you an angel of mercy?”
“I’m a ginger, have freckles, and possibly collect souls according to Lance. But I’ll accept the disguise of angel of mercy for now.”
“He spent his budget making the structure sound and doing as much as he can, and he pays us in installments to do mandatory work. He knows enough to know what he can’t do, which is good, but he is a very stubborn man.”
“He really is. So, you have three weeks. Can it be done?”
“Yes, it can be. It will not be cheap, but I have the men and they are willing. Lance is a very good customer.”
That boded even better for me than I thought possible. Someone who treated the contractors well treated everyone well. “Good. I hope to be an even better customer. He wants the bathroom modern, both the one being done and the master bathroom in the bedroom. You may have to redo the plumbing, but if you can plan to install a jet tub of some sort in that room, that would be ideal. If you can give me the maximum dimensions of the tub, I’ll have it ordered and delivered when you’re ready for it. There’ll need to be a staircase added leading up to the attic; the attic is perfect as it is, but that ladder is a death trap. The main staircase should be modeled after a classic luxury liner.”
“Like Titanic?”
“Like that, yes. Rustic living room, go with log paneling to make it cozy, install an electric fireplace and dress it up to match. No matter what he says, he gets a modern dining room and there will not be any games or books in it. Those go into the lower level basement. That will be a library and gaming room. The basement on the same level as the garage should become a sitting room and basic entertainment area. His study should be done with Victorian themes in mind with built-in floor-to-ceiling cases. Give a big budget for that fireplace, as he wants an actual fireplace but there will be no smoke damage to those books. The kitchen will be rustic, gas stove. Refrigerator to match it. If you have recommendations for something good in rustic, go for it. You’re a former architect, right?”
“Yes, ma’am, I am.”
“You like interior design?”
“I did the attic.”
“Go to town. The attic was perfect. Give me a ballpark figure. How much will that cost me?”
“With the floors all needing to be replaced, plumbing and wiring, acquisition of furnishings, three hundred to five hundred thousand.”
“Write me up a contract, get me a binder of things you want to use, and I’ll give you approvals. I’ll give you my work contact information. We have to do this without Lance knowing. It’s going to be a surprise. He knows I’m having the place cleaned and structurally checked. He does not know about the rest.”
“You were part of the trio behind the bathroom?”
“Oh, no. I was the one behind the toilet prank. It was my brain child. They just helped. Also, he’s getting a ten thousand dollar toilet in the master bedroom because it glows in the dark and the lid operates itself. If I’m going to spend big, I’m going to spend really big.”
“Any other requests?”
“Is it possible to install a small bathroom without a shower in the lower basement?”
“Easily. The pipes for the sewer are in the wall. It’ll cost a little to take out part of the wall to install it, but the basic pipework is already in place, so it’s a simple job.”
“Do it. Install a nice bar down there and little tables for people to sit and play games at, too. There’ll need to be a bigger gaming table as well. If you can find a good solution for storing comic books down there, that’d be ideal. They need to be easily accessible but protected.”
“The bedroom?”
“Comfortable. Queen or king sized bed in the master bedroom. Have at least one guest bedroom in there somewhere that isn’t the attic. The attic is basically perfect with the exception of a staircase needed.”
“As for the rest?”
“He plans to spend the rest of his life there. Make it special, Mr. Desornes. I’ve the money, and I’m ready to spend it. Also, I will need you to tell Lance he’ll need to give you the keys to the vehicle he leaves in his garage. You’ll need to move it for inspection of the garage and so on. In reality, I’ll need to park a vehicle there for when he sees his newly renovated home upon completion.”
“Flooring, tiling, plumbing, wall upgrades, and wiring can be all done this week. Bathrooms will be finished first. Painting can be started early next week. Fixtures after everything is dry from the painting and the place has aired out. The upstairs fireplace will be started tomorrow, as that will take the full three weeks to finish. We can move all furniture and extras in the last two days of the job.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You’ve been thinking about how to do that house, haven’t you?”
“As you say, ma’am, it is not habitable. I will do my best to make it habitable with as good a price as possible.”
“I would rather pay more and cut no corners. The contractors get a fair wage, you get a fair pay for your work, and the materials should be the best at a good price. Lance likes your work, so I want you to take care of the renovations. And I expect to be charged appropriately for a rush job.”
“It will be done. I will have the contract drawn up tonight, and I will bring my binder. Where should I have the contract delivered to?”
I gave him the contact information for my work. “Have someone there photocopy the contents of the binder, and I’ll have the contract signed and returned to you in the morning along with the payment for the work.”
“Half up front and half upon completion are my terms for the labor, materials up front.”
“Excellent. Thank you very much for your help, Mr. Desornes.”
“No, thank you for being sensible and saving that man from himself.”
“You’re welcome.”
After a few more minutes of pleasantries and ideas for what to do with the house, I finally escaped the call and scrambled to gather all the comics so they could be removed from my apartment. Thirty-five minutes after calling him, my boss showed up with Julian and Chloe in tow. I let them into my apartment and darted for the first box, dragging it towards the door.
“What happened?” Chloe demanded.
“That house happened. It’s a disaster. It’s beyond a disaster. I have made arrangements for the disaster to be fixed. It’ll be done in three weeks, but I can’t prank him with any more things for his house. It needs to be at the house to be installed. So I just have the jigsaw puzzles and the comics left to prank him with.”
Julian raised a brow. “And a Corvette, or so I hear.”
“Two Corvettes. I’m back in the poorhouse for now. Except I am getting a good rent arrangement on his attic because his attic is the best little attic I’ve seen in my life and I stupidly announced I was moving into it.”
That got everyone’s attention.
“You told him you were moving into his attic?” my boss asked.
“It’s that cute. I couldn’t help it. I saw it, and it was perfection, and I wanted to live in it. It’s the only completed room of his house, but it’s amazing.” I bowed my head and sighed. “I just blurted it out, and here we are.”
“You’re even worse than I am,” Chloe announced. “But that’s okay. So, the situation is Lance is going to be staying here on your couch?”
“Yes,” I lied, and I looked her in the eyes when I did it.
“His back is going to regret it, but at least he’s not in a disaster area. All right. We’ll pretend we don’t know anything about the adjusted living arrangements. Honestly, if I’d known it was that bad, I would’ve kidnapped him and made him stay in the guest bedroom, too.”
“It would have been a disaster,” Julian predicted.
“It would have been a better disaster than the house he’s living in. It will be a wonderful house. It’s just not a wonderful house right now. It’s scary right now.” I shuddered. “Really scary. I got impulsive. I’m sorry. And I solved it the only way I knew how.”
“She refuses to let the fund pay for it unless Lance can come to terms with where the money came from.”
“I’m his personal fundraising campaign, apparently.”
Chloe claimed the box from me and picked it up with a grunt. “And he had no idea he had a campaign going. Let’s hurry up and get out of here before he gets back. One way or another, we’ll get him to come to terms with things, he just might take a while in forgiving us.”
“That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”
Chloe smiled at me. “It’ll be all right. You’ll see. He can be an idiot, but he’s an idiot capable of recognizing good intentions, and he values that, even if he has to take a few shit roads to get to the end of it. He just might need to take a shower or two before he’s ready to forgive us.”