Time passed in a blur, and I juggled more than I cared to think about. At work, I toed the line between legal secretary and prankster supreme with frequent forays into home design while conspiring with Lance’s favorite comic shop owner to create the ultimate comic book den. To complicate my life, I had several doctor’s appointments, but on my last visit, I had all my stitches removed. To my delight, no new ones were added. The day of my final doctor’s appointment, two weeks after Lance had moved in, scheduled when he had a meeting he couldn’t avoid, I browsed jewelers until I found a diamond ring I liked, which I purchased for myself.
That signaled yet another change in my life. Rather than waiting to see what would happen, I began making plans to ensure Lance knew what I wanted without dropping any vague hints. Every magazine I’d peeked at on the subject seemed to imply there was some sort of vague hint thing women needed to do to express interest in being more than bed partners or friends, but I’d gotten frustrated trying to figure out the secret handshake.
It’d only taken a few issues to determine most fashion and women’s magazines could kiss my freckled ass.
I’d learned something important on that one venture to the doctor by myself. By the time I made it back to work, ring hidden in the inside pocket of my purse, all I had left of Mr. Whiteman’s actions were some scars and bruises that’d fade sooner than later.
Without Mr. Whiteman’s dive into insanity, I wouldn’t have been put in a position to meet Lance.
I’d found the perfect way to get my revenge on the slimy bastard. I’d be happy, safe and sound with someone I could trust.
Life got a lot easier following that discovery.
Every picture Renato sent confirmed Lance’s home transformed from a disaster to something he could be truly proud of. His library would be my favorite room in the house, as Renato managed to catch the splendor of the Victorian era with everything I loved about books.
And as I couldn’t resist being at least a little evil, I dipped into his father’s fund to stock every single shelf in the room with the trashiest romance novels money could buy. And as I was aiming to classify as exceptionally evil, I made sure there were no duplicates. I had no idea what I’d do with the collection once I was finished inflicting them on Lance, but I’d figure something out.
I’d probably begin with reading my way through them, as I shamelessly enjoyed the trashiest romance novels money could buy. To my utter delight, at least a quarter of them included covers featuring bodice ripper hunks of men on their covers.
Yum.
I bet Chloe and Julian could use thousands upon thousands of romance novels delivered in creative fashions. I worried that once their little one was born, the closest they’d get to romance would be in a novel. Then again, I needed to not listen to my mother when it came to matters of children and their care. After all, she’d raised someone like me, and I was a mess head to toe.
At the end of three weeks, Lance had definitely made a mess of my hair. When I was honest with myself, the real reason I was running away to visit my mother was so I could get the tangles out from his nightly insistence on playing with every curl at his leisure. Fool that I was, I couldn’t resist his attentions.
We’d have to have a long talk about the hair and its care. And if he wanted to play with it, he’d have to equip himself with a comb and help tame the mane. We’d also have to have a talk about his freckle fetish, as he’d matured from counting them to trying to pick his favorites and giving them names. I enjoyed his affection, but sometimes, a woman wanted to get straight to the serious business.
The Saturday morning of my flight, my boss called Lance and begged for a favor at his house, and per our planned script, I played dead until Lance gave up and left me to sleep off his adorations of my person. As soon as I confirmed he’d left, I texted Chloe to make sure she was ready and got ready to bolt out the door and head to the airport.
She was, and I dragged my bag out the door, dove into her SUV, which actually belonged to Julian’s mother, and tossed the bag into the back. “Go before he gets any bright ideas about checking on me!”
She laughed. “Mr. Kenton warned me Lance had been trying to drag you along and you refused to budge. Good performance. You made him worry.”
“I’m fine just get us out of here before he comes back and catches us.”
Forty minutes later, she dropped me off at the terminal, and within two hours, I was in the air headed for Oregon. I still didn’t understand why my mother and step-father had chosen Oregon as their new stomping grounds, but I hadn’t visited them since their move, and I’d lost the battle with Lance’s brother, who insisted he pay for my tickets. First class made the long flight a great deal more comfortable, and I even caught a nap on the way as I’d been warned my mother would be dragging my lanky ass into her plane and tossing me out of it as many times as she wanted.
My mother, who looked a lot like me, with even brighter hair but fewer freckles, pounced the instant I escaped the terminal. “I thought I’d have to come out there and drag you over to get you to visit. It’s about ruddy time, girl!”
Uh-oh. I’d been downgraded to girl. I was two steps from the dog house, and I wasn’t even sure what I’d done. “I’m innocent.”
She pointed at my face.
Oh. Right. My face. “I’m definitely innocent. The scars will magically transform me into a badass. A handsome man told me that.”
“I don’t see a handsome man here.”
“He’s an attorney, and he’s terrified of heights. Currently, he’s being introduced to his new car, which should keep him busy all day. Well, he might finally have unburied it from the obscene amount of wrapping paper, duct tape, post-it notes, and tissue paper covering the entire vehicle. Then there’s a comic book collection inside he has to wade through if he wants to see the interior.”
Then there was a little box with a ring I’d picked out and purchased for myself with an invitation to use it if he saw fit tied to the gas pedal so he wouldn’t accidentally miss it. No one except me knew about that contribution, and it had taken me a great deal of effort to escape Lance long enough to add my contribution to the already excessive prank.
My second part of the prank was waiting in his garage, which involved his second Corvette and more candy hearts than anyone needed in their lifetime. I’d even gotten them all to say the same three words. If he didn’t get a hint, he was beyond hopeless and I’d need a week of skydiving to come to terms with my failure.
I figured if impulsive had worked for Chloe, it might work for me, too.
My mother’s mouth dropped open. “Repeat that?”
“He’s an attorney who is severely afraid of heights.”
“You, my little skydiving princess, are involved with someone who is afraid of heights?”
I looked my mother right in her emerald green eyes and replied, “Yes, I am.”
“Where did I go wrong with you?” she wailed.
Now I remembered why I’d avoided visiting my mother. She wanted me to marry a skydiving prince so we could have skydiving grandchildren she could chuck out of her plane, too. “He’s somewhat Irish and he’s hot. His last name is Irish. He’s about as Irish as I am, except I don’t think either one of us has actually been to Ireland.”
“That’s something. But he’s an attorney.” My mother’s gaze locked onto my scars.
“I have concentrated allergies to attorneys. I’m a legal secretary. I have to work with them. His specific breed of attorney is hot and Irish.”
“Alice.”
“Yes, Mom?”
“He’s afraid of heights.”
“You make it sound like he’s a monster without hope of redemption when you say it that way,” I complained. “So what? It’s less fuel you have to feed into that gas guzzler you call a plane. Did you really want to pay for another skydiver?”
Her eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what this attorney did to you, but you’re far more inclined to talk back than you were when I left you in New York on your own.”
“Actually, you can blame my boss for that one. I get rewarded with sushi, boba tea, and other treats when I misbehave within the set rules of our office.”
“Set rules?”
“It’s complicated. Mr. Kenton approves when I talk back if I think he’s about to do something stupid as long as I can justify the talking back. When I justify it, something I like appears on my desk around lunch time.”
“He’s training you through food.”
I nodded. “I’m easily trained with food.”
“I regret I did not try harder to train you with food when you were growing up. You’d be a D-licensed skydiving princess by now and not just a C-licensed skydiving princess.”
As I had the packet with me to upgrade my license, I dug it out of my purse and waved it in my mother’s face. “I’m one test away. You already subjected me to the rest of the bullshit needed.”
“Freefall night dives are not bullshit.”
“I’m still trying to figure out how the hell I got three hours of freefall in without realizing it. That’s ridiculous. Ridiculous, Mom. But there it is, recorded and ready to go if I go in for the damned test. How dare you record all my dive times!”
“My skydiving princess must always have her certifications and records properly up to date.”
“Mom.”
“You really just need the exam? I didn’t bother adding up all the dives. I just recorded them.”
I nodded.
“How convenient. I know someone who can administer the exam.”
Of course she did. “Mom. I didn’t come here to get my D-license.”
“Yes, you did.” She snagged me by my ear and pulled. “Your father is waiting in the car, and I can’t wait to tell him the good news.”
Oh, right. The step-father could administer the damned test, but as he was all into the non-favoritism thing, he’d make one of his buddies administer it and grade me as harshly as possible. And they’d make me retake it until I passed without error. I sighed and followed, tilting my head to alleviate the worst of her grip on my ear. “Mom, I need my ear.”
“I haven’t ripped it off. Stop your whining. Pass the test and I’ll have your father take you on a night dive.”
My mother was truly a cruel and unfair woman. “Mom, that’s not fair.”
“Sure it is. I’m not charging you for the dives. You just have to get harnessed, do your safety checks, and jump out of my plane. You’ll love it. And don’t try to act like you won’t. You’ve done how many night dives with freefall?”
“Possibly a few too many.”
“And why might that be?”
“I’m an idiot who likes flinging herself at the ground with the general hope of missing.”
“That’s my girl. And what do we do when I take you out on a night dive as a reward for passing your test?”
“Fling myself at the ground in the middle of the night while hoping I’ll miss?”
“Exactly. Aren’t I a sweet, kind, and generous mother?”
“You’re a lunatic who tosses her children from airplanes for fun. And some of the children you toss out of airplanes aren’t even yours. They’re Dad’s, and because Dad’s a psychopathic skydiver, he likes when you do it.”
“You’re whining even more than you did when I abandoned you in New York. Obviously, I’m going to have to give this attorney a talking to. Enough with the whining!”
“You want to make me take a test and punt me out of an airplane. Of course I’m going to whine, Mom. I don’t like tests.”
“Oh, right. That’s true. We should do a refresher on the test material just to make sure you’re ready. Good point. You don’t test well, and your father will expect perfection.”
I was glad my mother had finally gotten around to erasing my biological father from the family vocabulary, but I’d have to make sure I kept dropping the step or I’d hurt her feelings. Then again, I liked him better than my biological father, so it worked out.
I just had to hope he wouldn’t insist on grilling poor Lance or trying to fill the traditional fatherly figure role. Lance would have enough trouble adapting to having a brother without my step-father diving into the fray.
My mother dragged me out of the airport by my ear to where a new pickup truck waited at the arrivals lot. She opened the back door and shoved me inside. “She’s gotten feisty since we left her on her own.”
My step-father chuckled. “Children do that. Hello, Alice. Did you have a nice flight?”
“It was good, thank you. Yes, I brought my packet, yes, I have all my dive records, yes, I’m only a test away from being D-licensed, and yes, I’m sleeping with an attorney who is afraid of heights. Also, Mom? This is not a car. It’s a truck.”
“You didn’t tell me you were sleeping with him!” my mother screeched, climbing into the front of the truck. “Alice Relin, what have I told you about sleeping with strange men?”
“He’s not a strange man, Mom. He’s actually a really nice man. Don’t die of shock over that. It shocked me, too.”
“Alice!”
“What?”
My mother huffed. “Put your belt on. He’s an attorney, and he’s afraid of heights. That is the definition of a strange man.”
I snapped my belt into place, set my bag on the seat beside me, and inspected my step-father’s new truck. “How’d you talk her into a new ride? She swore hell would freeze over before the day you got a new truck.”
“The old one had an unfortunate accident.”
“Nobody was hurt, right?”
“Only the truck. I borrowed a fork lift and took care of the problem. Then I grunted in a manly fashion at her until she decided maybe I deserved a new truck since she got a new plane.”
“How many banks did you rob to afford a new truck and a new plane?”
My step-father chuckled while my mother sighed.
“Surprisingly few. The skydiving business has been doing really well, and the new school has a lot of students. It’s paying for itself and your mom’s new plane.”
Hell had surely frozen over when I hadn’t been paying attention. “That’s great!”
“So what’s this about you sleeping with an attorney who is afraid of heights?”
“Exactly what I said. I almost couldn’t catch my flight because the attorney who is afraid of heights didn’t want to leave my apartment without me. His house was just renovated. I told him I was cleaning it up. It was a death trap. It’s now a gorgeous home. I’ve claimed the attic for me and my spiders.”
“That sounds like you’ve done a lot more than sleep with him,” my mother muttered.
“I filled a Corvette with candy hearts that say ‘I love you’ on them before I left town. Does that count as a lot more?”
“And then you ran away? Are you nuts? That’s not how you catch a man!” At the way my mother was screeching, I’d go deaf before we left the airport.
“Actually, I’d say that’s a pretty good way to catch a man. If you’d left me a Corvette filled with candy hearts, I’d be making a trip across the country to drag you back, probably by your hair. There’s just so much of it, so it makes a great hand hold. It also would make it hard for you to escape, as you’d get tangled.”
My mother grunted. “You’re in fine form today, I see.”
“She left the man a Corvette filled with candy hearts, babe. There ain’t no man in existence too dumb to figure out that message.”
“So the engagement ring tied to the gas pedal of the classic Corvette filled with comics he’ll absolutely hate was overkill?”
“How classic are we talking about here?”
“1955 classic.”
“What the hell kind of bank were you robbing to get one of those?” My step-father pulled into a spot, put the truck in park, and turned around to face me. “Also, we obviously need to have a sit down and go over what you actually need to do to catch a man. That’s like using a nuke on a hornet nest, Alice. Did you at least tell the poor man what the ring was for?”
“Well, I wrote a note, told him I liked this specific ring, so I got it for myself, and then I tied it to the gas pedal and told him he could figure out what to do with it if he wanted to. Was that wrong?”
My step-father lifted his hand, pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. “Babe, this is all your fault.”
“Hey, why are you blaming me?” my mother demanded. “She has all her paperwork in order for her D-license. I did my job just fine! I recorded all the minutes and flights like you wanted, and I even put up with night dives! That is my job as a parent.”
“Babe, perhaps you should have taught her how to form a normal relationship with someone? This is not normal.”
“Why kind of Corvette did you fill with candy hearts, baby?” my mother asked.
“This year’s Stingray. It’s fully loaded. It’s silver. I bought their floor model because it would’ve taken three weeks too long to get in, and it happened to have most of the things I wanted, but it was the wrong color. Convertible.”
“So, you used his passion to catch his attention. Sounds like she did everything just right,” she said, glaring at my step-father. “There’s no doubt what she wants, she’s not hiding anything, and she isn’t trying to drop any hints about what she wants. I think she has the exact right idea.”
“Darling. One Corvette filled with candy hearts is over the top, definitely sends a message, and is sickly sweet. Message received. Tying an engagement ring to the gas pedal of a classic car is so far over the top she’s feeding those candy hearts to the man on the moon.”
How had my step-father become the saner of the pair? “Hey, Dad? Question?”
“What’s up, Alice?”
“So where did I screw this up at? I tried really hard not to screw it up.”
“I wouldn’t say you screwed anything up. I’m just saying you’re going to have a pissy attorney with a fear of heights busting into my airfield ready to drag you off by your hair for not giving him a chance to answer you before you ran away.”
“Oh. But he is meeting his brother for the first time. I didn’t want to get in the way of that, and I haven’t visited you since you two moved here. So I dumped the cars, let him meet his brother—who he didn’t know he’s meeting—and then ran away. He’s got to be majorly distracted with that. And he has hundreds of comics to unwrap before he finds the ring anyway. He won’t even notice I’m gone until he goes back to my apartment and sees my note.”
My step-father sighed. “This gets worse every time you add to your story. What does the note say?”
“Catch me if you can—or wait until Saturday, which is when I’ll be back.”
As one, my step-father and mother slapped their foreheads.
“What?”
“You’re hopeless,” my mother announced. “See if you can get someone to issue the test for her D-license so we can have something to celebrate. For a minute there, I thought I’d finally get a son-in-law. I need something to celebrate to get over this disappointment. I was even willing to cope with an attorney for a son-in-law. I’d cure him of the fear of heights thing. I like a challenge. But I forgot we were dealing with Alice.”
“I still love you Alice, no matter what your mother says. You’re a very good daughter even if you’re hopeless,” my step-father said. “You’ll always be my little skydiving princess.”
“You’re basically saying I’ve made a mess of everything and should just go hide under your bed for the rest of my life.”
“Yes,” they replied.
I slumped in my seat and pouted. “Is there enough space under your bed for me to live there?”
“No,” my mother replied. “That said, we have an empty bedroom you’re more than welcome to use while you come to terms with your status as an eternally single woman.”
“That’s mean even for you, babe” my step-father muttered. “It’ll be okay, Alice. And if it’s not, I could always use another D-licensed skydiver helping out with the school. It comes with free room and board, and you’ll even get a regular paycheck. You can quit those nasty attorneys and come work for us.”
“They’re not nasty attorneys. The nasty ones work at a different firm.”
My step-father faked a gasp. “It’s too late for her, babe. They’ve already gotten to her. We better toss her out of a plane a few times to bring her back to her senses.”
My mother pointed at the windshield. “To the airport!”
“We’re already at the airport, you assholes,” I muttered.
My mother kept pointing. “To the smaller airport!”
“Why did I fly out here again?”
My mother laughed. “You love us despite being too shy to express your true feelings.”
“This is all Lance’s fault. Had I been in my right mind, I would’ve stayed in New York where I was safe from being chucked out of an airplane.”
“Or forced into taking the tests you hate so much. In good news, I’ll pay your examination fee,” my step-father said, putting his truck into gear and hitting the road to where they’d take fiendish delight in grilling me on the finer points of skydiving as usual.