Past
“Do you think you can sneak away?” I was desperate to see Parker. I missed her and I knew she was having a hard time settling into her new school.
“My dad is constantly checking my mileage. I don’t think it’s a good idea right now,” she said.
Instead of running plays with the team, I was sneak-calling Parker from the empty girls’ locker room. We had tried blocking our numbers with *67, but her parents checked the phone records and threatened to take away her phone. Now I called the pay phone on her school campus fifteen minutes after the last period let out. We only got a few minutes each day so we treasured them.
Parker’s parents told my dad that I wasn’t allowed to call or have any contact with her. They didn’t approve of my gay lifestyle and blamed me for making Parker doubt Jesus and the word of God. Their words, not mine. On top of that, they thought a girl playing football was an abomination. My dad told them I would keep my distance.
Now, I was curled up in a ball on the locker room floor hiding from my responsibilities, begging the person who mattered most to me in the world to defy the rules just to be with me. “Not even halfway? I mean, I can meet you at the park later today.”
“I can’t. I want to, but I have cheer practice later and then a bunch of us are going to like grab pizza or whatever.” She paused as though she said too much.
I sat up when I heard one of the outer doors to the gym open. “Well, I mean you have to have friends, right?” Even though her squad was a bunch of mean, bitchy girls, at least she had her cousin Emilia to lean on.
I rubbed my hand over my face. Everything about this sucked. When she left, my stomach was in knots for weeks. I forgot to eat for three days, which made me pass out at practice. Coach was pissed.
Hayley stuck by my side and assured me this wasn’t the end of my life. She said if we were meant to be, then Parker would be back. It was like she and my dad had a conversation about me because both were saying the same thing.
“I’m trying to fit in. Mom says it’s not healthy to mope and I need to be social. I don’t want to upset them. Dad’s pretty mad and I still need their help with college.”
“So, you’re going to let them hold you hostage for the next five or so years? I know they’re your parents, but they’re homophobic jerks. They’re going to do everything in their power to keep us apart. Forever, not just high school.” I was pouting and I knew it.
“This is hard on me too. I miss you. At least you can talk to everyone about it. I’m alone here, Sutton.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just hate that you let them continue to make your decisions for you. Are you going to let them dictate your whole life? If you don’t stand up to them now, they’re going to forever be a pain in your ass.”
It was hard enough that she moved away, but trying to find alone time with her when our schedules were so packed was almost impossible. She had cheer and a new life to start while I hung back, fearing my heart would simply give out because we were apart.
She sighed. It wasn’t the sweet kind of sigh, but the kind that signaled she was irritated with me. “I’ll sneak away this weekend. Maybe we can meet halfway in Spencer? In our normal place?” she asked.
I should’ve been excited that she was willing to go against her parents, but I wasn’t. I felt like it was a pity meeting and my anger flared. “Don’t worry about it. Listen, I have to get out on the field. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up, grabbed my helmet, and jogged to the field.
When we finally met at the park in Spencer the following weekend, I forgot about all the heartache of the last few weeks. Parker looked amazing. She slipped into my front seat and pulled me into her arms. I cried as I held her.
“How are you? Are you okay?” I asked.
She nodded before her lips captured mine in the kind of kiss that reminded me why I would do anything for her.
“I’m doing all right. I’m fitting in, but it’s so hard to start senior year at a different school,” she said.
She stroked my face and ran her fingers through my hair. I felt the love in her touch. I’d forgotten how blue her eyes were. I used to tease her that they were the same color as the cornflower crayon because I’d never seen eyes that color before.
“Your parents suck.” I was being nice. They were awful. Her dad got transferred to a different branch of whatever insurance company he worked for, but Emilia told Parker that he requested it. She overheard her mother and Parker’s mom discussing the reason behind the move. It was because of me, the sinner who defiled their sweet, innocent daughter. Again, their words, not mine.
“I know this is hard, Sutton.” She started crying.
A wave of protectiveness bubbled up from deep inside me. I hated that they hurt her, hurt us by keeping us apart. “One day when we’re done with high school, we’ll be together. Nothing’s going to keep us apart. Not them, and not the world,” I said.
She sobbed against me and I thought we were crying about the same thing, but I was wrong.
“I can’t do this anymore, Sutton. It’s just so hard.”
I pulled out of her embrace, stunned. “What do you mean? What can’t you do?”
“My parents treat me like I’m worthless. It’s hard making new friends. I’m an outsider trying to fit in. I have cheer practice every day and finding time to sneak away is almost impossible. I feel like I’m lying to everyone in my life.”
She tried touching me, but I pulled back. “Are you breaking up with me?” Fresh tears popped up in the corners of my eyes but I didn’t care.
“I have to, Sutton. I can’t live like this. It’s not fair that I have to keep you a secret because of my parents. You deserve to be out and proud. This is your senior year. You’re supposed to have the best time of your life, and I know that keeping you in the closet is holding you back.”
“But it’s only for eight months. Until we go to college,” I said. Her parents would only let her apply to Christian colleges. She was applying to Abilene which was only about three hours from A&M, and to Calvin in Michigan which was a whole world away. She made a sobbing noise.
“I’m going to Calvin. My parents said they won’t help me at all if I go to ACU.”
“Wait, what?”
“It’s not fair to you to ask you to wait for me. Michigan and Texas are thousands of miles apart.”
“So, you just want to give up? You’re eighteen. You can pack your stuff and move in with me and Dad. Then we can go to A&M together. You don’t need their money.”
She shook her head and grabbed my hands. “They’re my parents, Sutton. I’m all they have. I can’t just leave them.” I watched the tears trickle down her face and knew I was losing her. There wasn’t anything I could do about it. “I love you and that’s why I’m doing this. Trying to date long-distance is impossible. This is hard enough and we’re only a hundred miles apart.”
Everything she said made sense, but my heart wouldn’t concede. I was too invested. I put my head on my steering wheel and cried. I felt her arms wrap around my body as she cried with me.
“I will always love you, Sutton.”
I looked at her through the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. “How can you do this to me?”
“I’m doing this for both of us. You’ll always have my heart.” She opened the door and slowly slipped out.
“You’re making the biggest mistake,” I said. When I realized that this wasn’t a joke, I got angry. “Go ahead and forget about me. Forget my face, forget everything that happened, and lose my number!” I watched as she walked to her car and drove away without so much as a backward glance. I sat in the parking lot wondering how my heart slipped out of my grasp so effortlessly when just a few short minutes ago it was something I held onto for dear life.