Present
Parker peeked her head into my office and waited for me to wave her in. “Since you aren’t going to call me for coffee, I thought I’d bring the coffee to you.”
I stood when she placed a cup of coffee in front of me. “Parker. What are you doing here?” I tried not to gape or think about what I looked like at the moment.
“I had to drop something off for Grayson and decided to force you to have coffee with me. I mean, if you have time.” Parker was wearing a blue dress, short heels, and had her hair loose around her shoulders. It was hard to miss the giant diamond on her hand or the tennis bracelet on her thin wrist.
I looked at my watch. The team meeting after lunch started in half an hour. “I have about twenty minutes.” I tossed the rest of my energy bar into the trash and pointed at the chair in front of my desk.
“I’m sorry to barge in but I figured you probably didn’t have the time with the season starting. And it’s just coffee.”
I smoothed back my hair and tightened my ponytail. I looked like I was still in high school, and she looked like a quarterback’s wife. I took a sip and had to stop myself from smiling. The coffee was perfect. She remembered how I liked it; two creams and two sugars. Not refined sugar, but cane sugar. I took another sip and tipped the cup in her direction. “Thanks.” It was extremely hard to keep eye contact.
“Where do we start?” she asked.
“What do you want to know?”
“For starters, how was college?”
I leaned back and folded my arms. “This sounds like an interview.” Her smile always gave me butterflies. I was guarded this time, but a few flutters made their way inside. I smiled in return. “College was exactly how I’d thought it would be.” Minus the relationship with her. “I’ve been working every day since college.”
“And look at you now. First female offensive coordinator for the NFL and you’re only thirty-three years old. I know this might sound silly, but I followed your career. I was worried that you were working too hard and not having any fun.”
That was offensive even though I knew she didn’t mean it to be. “I did. What about you? You’re married and you have two daughters. Tell me about that.”
“The time has flown by. My daughters are amazing and incredibly smart. I can’t believe how perfect they are.” Her voice grew softer and she turned her face and averted her gaze just a little bit as she thought about them.
“You always wanted children,” I said.
“You would love them. Their personalities are so different and yet they complement each other so well. They are best friends, and I couldn’t be prouder of them. I’m sure that will change as they grow older, but now they still play with each other.”
“Will you show me photos?”
She opened her purse and pulled out her phone. I studied her face while she scrolled through her photos. She always tanned better than I did and her sun-kissed skin made her blue eyes even lighter. Her lips were still full and the tiny laugh lines around her eyes grew more pronounced when she found a photo she wanted to share. She handed me the phone. “The one on the left is Violet, or Vee, and Rose is the one petting the goat.”
They looked just like her with blond hair and blue eyes. Rose had Grayson’s square jaw, but the rest of her features were Parker’s. “They’re beautiful. And this is such a fun age.”
She tilted her head and pursed her lips. “Speaking from experience?”
“Not me. Hayley has three boys all under the age of ten. I try to hang out with them as much as possible.”
“How is she doing?” Parker asked.
I smiled. “She loves being a mother like you. They live in Rhode Island, so I get to see them whenever I have a break.”
“Which is rare because of your new job. I’ve got to give it to you, Sutton. I always knew you’d end up in the NFL. I’m proud that you made it to this level.”
She was proud of me? I figured she never gave me a single thought after she hooked up with Grayson. “Thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“How’s your dad?”
For the first time since she sat down, I gave her a genuinely happy smile. “He’s great. He also moved to Rhode Island, and he started dating again.”
She returned my genuine smile with one of her own. “That’s so wonderful to hear. I always admired him. He was cool and supportive. Did he ever write his novel?”
“Funny you should bring that up. He’s finishing it right now.” He was also working on a book about me, but nobody needed to know that. Half the proceeds would go to my charity. For the first time since she walked into my office, I was able to keep eye contact with her in a way that didn’t feel like a challenge.
“And your charity is getting books in front of children. I guess I didn’t realize you liked to read.”
I threw my hands up in mock disbelief. “Max said the exact same thing. I love to read. I just have zero time for anything but football.” I crossed my arms. “I’m listening to a true crime novel in my car right now. I get to hear forty minutes of it a day. Twenty minutes on my way in and twenty minutes on my way home.”
“Huh. I guess I never knew that about you,” she said.
“Honestly, I’m not surprised. It’s all about football. I can have fun after I’ve proven myself.” I didn’t know when that would be.
“But you still make some time for yourself, right? More than forty minutes of audiobooks a day, I mean. What about vacations? Have you been anywhere exciting?” she asked.
I realized she was invested in the conversation. This didn’t feel like a reach out because Grayson was told to be friendly toward me. This was a door opening. Slowly and carefully. “I went to Portugal about four years ago.”
“With Lexi? That’s your girlfriend’s name. right?”
“No. Well, yes, Lexi.” I nodded. “She’s my girlfriend now, but I didn’t go with her. We’ve only been dating for about two years. I went with my dad. He needed to get away from everything for a bit, so he picked Portugal and we hung out there for two weeks. It’s now one of my favorite places on Earth.”
“We’ve been to Spain, Mexico, Canada, and we usually head to Disney World with my parents after the season ends.”
My lips twisted when she mentioned her parents. I’d tamped down my feelings for them for so long that hearing her say “parents” took me by surprise. I couldn’t hide my reaction quick enough.
Parker frowned. “My parents are still the same. I’d like to say they’ve gotten better with age, but I’d be lying. Only two things give them happiness. Their church and their granddaughters.”
This fledgling relationship was too tender for bad memories. “I’m sure it’s great for your daughters. I remember how much fun I had with my grandparents when I was little,” I said.
It was surreal to see Parker, a grown-up with a family, sitting in front of me. She was calm, like always, and looked amazing, like always. We settled into a nice conversation about her daughters, football, and Crowbar, who was sprawled in his bed oblivious to the anxiety in the room. We were keeping it light. I think she was just as scared of dipping below the surface as I was.
We were startled when Brandon knocked on my open door. “Meeting starts in five, Sutton. Hi, Parker. Nice to see you again.”
“Hi, Brandon,” Parker said. She stood and grabbed her purse. “Thanks for letting me crash your lunch, Sutton. It was good to see you again. Give me a call if you free up any time for something other than football.” She smiled playfully.
I nodded at her and held up the cup of coffee. “Thanks for stopping by.” I was surprised it was already time for the meeting. It had been fifteen years, but we had easily fallen back into conversation. It felt like no time had passed.
I waited until she left my office before I followed Brandon to the team meeting room. We were reviewing this morning’s full scrimmage. Our first game was this Sunday, and we were playing the Cleveland Browns. Their defense was average, and they relied on zone offense. We’d have to start off conservatively, much to everyone’s chagrin. The players wanted to go out and wow the NFL, but us coaches were hoping we would safely get through the game without getting hurt.
We had lost all three of our pre-season games. Pre-season didn’t matter. We needed to finalize the team and several players were fighting for spots. Now that we had firmed up our roster, we had to strategize about our first game. There was an energy in the room. The players were itching to show the world their worth and I was nervous, knowing so much was riding on me.
“Sunday will be here sooner than you all think. I expect you all to act like professionals on and off the field. Don’t do anything reckless. All eyes are going to be on us on Sunday, and I want to bring home the win. Now let’s go over the film and try to figure out how we can give Grayson more time to fire the ball,” Bill said.
“Should I cancel my skydiving trip this weekend?” somebody yelled playfully. It was enough to make everyone laugh and relax a bit.
“Okay, okay, settle down,” Bill said. He was smiling though and that meant everything in the moment.
We focused on the pocket and pointed out things the offensive linemen could do to give Grayson that extra second or two he needed to get rid of the ball. The defensive coordinator, Marcus Atkins, laid into the defense about hitting hard and getting through the line.
By the time we broke apart for the afternoon, we were all mentally exhausted. The offensives coaches had stayed until eleven the night before. I didn’t think there was anything else we could cover before the game on Sunday. We decided to head home early knowing tomorrow we probably wouldn’t leave the stadium until after the game on Sunday. I dreaded telling that to Lexi. The night before, she’d ignored me when I got home so Crowbar and I spent the night in the guest room. The transition from work life to home life was shitty. I was happier at work.
I started bringing Crowbar to work because I missed him and I doubted he was getting the love and nurturing he deserved at home. He managed to make an entire NFL franchise coo like babies when they saw him. Terry loved him the most. He was forever sneaking him treats even though I explained that we were watching his weight. He waved me off and gave Crowbar another treat right in front of me every time I said something.
“Ready to go, boy?”
Crowbar lifted his head from the couch and plopped back down. I didn’t blame him. I didn’t want to go either. Another night of Lexi shutting me out didn’t sound fun. And the new couch I had delivered to my office was extremely comfortable. I grabbed my bag and patted my leg for him to follow. He begrudgingly slid off the couch and slowly worked his way over to me. I turned off the lights and shut the door.
“Good night, Coach.” I waved to Bill on my way out. The players had left hours ago.
I opened the back door of the BMW and Crowbar took his sweet time crawling in. He was the most chill dog on Earth. Hayley and I found him on the beach three years ago. He didn’t have a collar or a chip. After a month of passing out flyers with no results, I decided he belonged with me, knowing full well I didn’t have the lifestyle for a dog. The vet thought he was about two years old when we found him so he was about five even though he lumbered through life as though he was already a senior dog. Unless a squirrel was in the picture.
I made sure he was secured in his harness before driving home. I called Hayley even though she was probably elbow deep in baths and getting the boys ready for Friday movie night.
“Is everything okay?” She sounded panicked.
“Yeah, why?”
“Because it’s early and your first game is Sunday and you never call me at this time.”
“We decided to knock off early because tomorrow is going to be a bitch of a day. I swear I know more about the Browns than they do.”
“I’ll be watching.”
“Guess who showed up today to visit me?”
There was a pause before she answered. “Shut up. No, she did not.” Hayley emphasized every word.
“Yep. I was on my lunch hour going over the playbook and she plopped down a cup of coffee, saying she knew that I would never call her, so she decided to stop by.”
Hayley huffed into the phone. “That’s so rude.”
It had been a week since I told her about the charity event and how Parker had given me her number. “It wasn’t too awkward. It was a nice conversation given our past.”
“Just be careful. You never got closure with her and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
I instantly frowned. I couldn’t decide if I was upset because she didn’t think I was emotionally ready to have a friendship with Parker, or because there was some truth to her words. I took a deep breath. “I’ll be careful.” Crowbar interrupted our serious conversation by sneezing twice.
“How’s the doggo doing?” Hayley asked.
“If we weren’t the Cheetahs, we’d be called the Crowbars because this dog has won over every single heart in the place, including the owner.”
“I can’t believe you picked that name.” She chuckled.
“Hey, the dog chose the name. You know that.”
“Well, you tried to call him Melvin. Nobody likes that name. Not even a dog,” she said.
I looked at him in the rearview mirror. “He looks like a Melvin.” When we found him and put him in Hayley’s car, he refused to get out. We tried pushing him, pulling him, and giving him treats, but he wouldn’t leave the car. I said that I would have to get the crowbar to lift him off the seat. His ears perked up and he stared at me. “Crowbar?” He wagged his tail and jumped out. “You should hear me try to explain his name to the team. The owner looked at me like I abused him.”
“Back to Parker,” Hayley said. She muffled the phone and gave somebody instructions on what bag of chips to grab and how many they each could have. “What did you talk about?”
“She talked about her kids and showed me photos.”
“Heartless!” Hayley hissed.
I tried to pretend it didn’t sting. “She asked about you. We talked about my dad. It was kind of a catch-up conversation. She seems happy.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll forever hate her for what she did.”
I smiled. “I know. It was a shitty time in my life. But you know what? We went down the paths we were supposed to. She was supposed to get married and have kids and do churchy things with her parents and I was supposed to coach football and live an authentic life. Even if I need to break up with my girlfriend soon because we’re totally unhappy. I know I’m only delaying the inevitable.”
“You’ll figure it out. You always do. And I’m super proud of you for all your accomplishments. Speaking of football, the boys are excited to play catch with Auntie Sutton.”
Hayley’s husband, Mike, was a very successful engineer but he was athletically-challenged. He couldn’t throw, catch, or kick a ball. The responsibility fell to me. “Bring them by the practice field anytime. I’ll have them run plays with the guys.”
“Let’s wait until Cameron is a little older. He has zero life skills. What four-year-old runs directly into traffic? Mine, that’s who,” Hayley said. I heard a commotion in the background and something heavy shattered on the ground. “Sis, I have to go. Major cleanup ahead. Just kill it on Sunday and know that I’ll be watching like always.”
“I love you. Kiss the boys from Auntie Sutton.”
“I love you, too.”
I disconnected the call as I pulled into the garage. I paused before opening the car door. I didn’t want to have the conversation with Lexi because my stress level was already at a nine. “Hi. We’re home,” I called out when we walked in. I was greeted by silence and was relieved. I checked the Lyft account. Lexi had taken one downtown an hour before.
“Are you hungry, boy?” Crowbar was always hungry. I made a turkey sandwich and poured kibble for him, but we both knew he would get half of my dinner. I kicked off my shoes and fell onto the couch. I turned on the television, not even sure what was on. Crowbar curled up next to me and within minutes of finishing my half of the sandwich, I was asleep.
“Hey, wake up, babe.”
I blinked to find Lexi standing over me. “What time is it?”
“It’s almost one. What time did you get home tonight?” she asked.
“Early. About eight.”
“Why didn’t you send me a message? I could’ve come home earlier.”
I sat up and rubbed my face. Crowbar didn’t budge. “I figured you needed to get out. Where’d you go?”
“I took a Lyft and met some friends. Didn’t you notice my car in the garage? Weren’t you even worried? I mean, if I got home and saw your car but you were nowhere to be found, I would legit worry. This is exactly what I mean. You don’t care. You don’t care about anything but yourself and your world.”
I hated that she wanted to start something at one o’clock in the morning. I knew she’d been drinking and I didn’t want to take the bait. “That’s not true. I care about you.”
“You care, you just don’t love me. You’re emotionally unavailable. You always have been. I thought Bridgemont would be a fresh start for us, but that was naive. I hate that I’m a therapist doling out advice to people who are exactly in this position, and yet I can’t even get my own life straight.” She threw up her arms and refused to look at me.
I shrugged and brought my dishes to the kitchen. She wasn’t wrong. Relationships were hard and she wanted too much of my time. “You knew I would be super busy with my new job here. We’ve talked about this a dozen times.”
“Why do we always have to do what you want? How come your career is more important than mine?” she asked.
Her voice boomed across the empty space between us. She was close to breaking down. I knew the signs, but I held my ground. “It’s not, but this has been my dream since I was a little girl. My whole life has been football. This is who I am, Lexi.” I softened my voice. “Don’t make me choose.”
Her shoulders drooped. “You’re right. You deserve to live the life you want.” She looked at me for the first time in over a minute. “I know it’s late, but we really need to talk.”
I knew she wasn’t happy, but it never occurred to me that she was actively looking until I saw the guilt in her eyes. I rubbed my face with both hands and tried to feel something besides relief. I found nothing. She was right. “I don’t think we need to say anything. I just hope you’re happy. You deserve it.”
“Look, I’m sorry but I need somebody who’s present in the relationship. I’m so lonely.”
It stung that she didn’t break up with me first, but I was a coward, and I wasn’t going to do it. My defenses went up and even though I knew I was to blame, I lashed out. “Well, it doesn’t look like you’re lonely anymore.” I patted for Crowbar and marched into the bedroom, locking the door behind me. She could sleep in the guest room for a change.