part0085

I t seems like I’ve been blind my entire life and am seeing for the first time. Everything is a bright blur when I open my eyes.

I blink my bleary eyes. I’m beyond groggy. Exhausted . The free, weightless feeling is gone. I feel my body again, slowly, but it’s there. Running a hand over my eyes, I attempt to sit up, but a gentle hand grasps my arm. “Slowly, Emily.” Tap .

I say something, but the words coming out of my mouth aren’t clear. At least not for me. Tap . The woman above me becomes more visible – her kind, wrinkled features more prominent. Tap . “You’re lucky,” she says, but I ignore her – my eyes flitting towards the window. The tapping comes from beyond it, where a crow pecks at the glass.

“Do you know where you are?” She asks. Clumsily, I lift my hand – pointing an unsteady finger towards the window. Carefully, she grasps my wrist before placing my hand on my chest and patting it gently. “You’ll be alone for a bit while I finish my rounds.” Then, she whips out of the room with her clipboard.

I lift my head shakily as I survey my surroundings. The sea green curtain hanging between my bed and the next sways gently, and I notice a pair of black boots beneath it. “Hello?” I grit out. My throat is on fire.

The person on the other side begins whistling, and my eyes follow the boots before a familiar face peeks out from behind the curtain.

“You?” I say, frowning when I consider his mysterious eyes.

“Me.” He says nonchalantly, smiling as he takes a seat in the chair across the room.

Now the crow makes sense as I stare at Rowan. He’s handsome as ever, wearing a black leather jacket, holey jeans, and a flannel shirt. His hair is amuck, but it fits perfectly with his 5 o’clock shadow. “What are you doing here?” I ask.

He shrugs, “I come to play for the cancer kids every Saturday. It’s in the other wing, but I saw the paramedics bring you in.”

“How long have I been out?”

“Little over two weeks,” he says, his tone unwavering as he picks at a tear in his jeans. “I was standing out there by the ER drop-off. You know, where the ambulances go to unload patients. I saw your blonde hair, and that little tattoo on your wrist. What is that? A sparrow?”

I shake my head slowly, disregarding his question. I should feel ashamed, but I don’t. Instead, I’m pissed. I thought that was it, my farewell set in stone. But, unfortunately, I can’t do anything right.

Not even kill myself.

We sit in silence for a while; me staring out the window, and Rowan staring at me as he taps a finger against the arm of the chair. It’s awkward. I can feel his eyes. “Why are you here?” I snap, shooting him a glare from across the room.

He shrugs, “I have an offer for you.”

Retrieving the bed’s remote, I elevate myself into a sitting position. “Okay,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. “What?”

“I’m going on a trip. A road trip, actually, and I was hoping that you’d join me.”

I scoff. “Are you serious? I don’t know you.”

“That’s the thing,” he responds. “I don’t really know anyone around here. Much less anyone like you who shares the same passion. Or passions, I should say. I’m going to be visiting cemeteries across the US. I have a map set up, and everything. I’m just looking for a partner in crime.”

“I can’t.” I murmur, my head falling back onto the pillow as my eyes find the crow once more.

“Why? What would you be leaving behind?”

I frown. Good question.

Liam isn’t here. I sent the text. He didn’t care. My cat’s dead. My heart, beyond broken as I recall the event that led me to swallowing a bottle of pills. “I have to work.” I defend myself. “And… and I have to play at the bar.”

“Those things can wait,” He retorts, and I suck in a breath as I blink away my unshed tears. “Life’s too short to repeat a daily routine, wouldn’t you say?”

“I don’t have any money!” I sneer, my cheeks flushing as I divert my eyes. “I’m not like you. I don’t have a nana who will buy me whatever my little heart desires.”

He laughs. “You’re defensive. Why is that? Do I intimidate you?”

Scoffing, my eyes lock onto his. “You wish.”

“Then come with me.” He shrugs, a slight smile pulling at his lips as he retrieves a black backpack from beside him. Standing, he approaches me. “These are yours.”

Frowning, I yank the backpack from his hand. I dig through the clothes and notice that they are indeed mine. “How’d you…”

“Doesn’t matter,” he responds, an obscure gleam in his eye.

My heart pulls me towards the unknown – steadily beating faster at the thought of traveling with this man… this stranger . What would it hurt? Before I took those pills, I was begging for something, anything, to yank me from my mundane existence. The town, the people, the family who isn’t really a family at all. He’s certain about one thing – there’s nothing to lose. If he goes crazy and kills me, I was already gunning for myself, anyway.

“Okay,” I say, a deep exhale flowing from my lips as I stare down at the backpack. “I’ll go.”

Rowan keeps a good grip on my arm as we walk along the roof right outside of my hospital room to a ladder leading down to the next story. “Suicide watch. Lasts about three days.”

“Oh,” I say, nearly tripping over a bottle someone tossed onto the roof.

Once we’re down the ladder, Rowan stealthily leads us to an old, black Camaro. It’s beaten to shit – seemingly on its last leg.

“She looks rough, but she runs.” He says, helping me get situated in the passenger side. My movements are slow due to my weakened state. I ripped the IV from my hand without second thought, watching the tube slide from my skin with zero emotion. Pain is pain, inside and out, and I’m afraid that I can’t feel it anymore.

This ordeal is strange. I have so many questions, but it almost seems like they’re stuck in my conscience, and it’s not out of fear, like it was with mom. They just aren’t available for me to verbalize, as if they aren’t yet meant to be asked.

Why didn’t I die? I timed everything perfectly.

Why was Rowan in my room? Sure, he saw me, yadda yadda – but, why? We’re practically complete strangers.

Why wasn’t anyone in the room with me, other than Rowan and the nurse who checked my vitals? If I’m on suicide watch, I’m supposed to be being watched by a member of staff.

Most importantly… Where is Liam?

“This is crazy, isn’t it?” Rowan says, turning down the stereo that blasts classic rock.

He pulls me from my trance. I was watching the trees pass, admiring their colorful leaves as fall graces Pennsylvania with her presence. Soon, the leaves will break away and die when the frost takes over – leaving the branches naked before they’re weighed down by snow. “Little bit.”

He smiles, displaying a slight dimple in his cheek. “What made you change your mind?”

“Let’s see… free trip, cemeteries, free food – I hope… oh, and if you kill me, it’s not like it wasn’t the end goal, anyway. I have nothing to lose, so why not.”

Laughing, he grips the wheel a bit tighter as we drive off into the setting sun. “Why?”

His eyes flit to mine before he’s focusing on the road once more. “Why’d you want to die?”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I shake my head. “Because people suck. My cat’s dead. The man I thought loved me doesn’t love me at all.”

“Ah,” He says, not missing a beat. “Sounds like a country song.”

I glare at him. “I’m glad you find it funny – relating my life to a stupid country song.”

He snickers, evidently amused by my temper.

I look out the window when my lips begin to involuntarily curl upwards. I don’t want him to see me crack a smile. It will destroy my ability to keep him out – away from everything that rots me on the inside. I don’t need a friend. I don’t need anyone, not even myself – which is why I tried to end it all in the first place.