‘Daddy says the new baby will sleep with him and Lou at first, but then when he gets a bit bigger, he’ll have his own room. But I’d like it if he could sleep in my room, with me. I don’t mind if he shares all my toys, even though he might break some of them because he’ll be very little and won’t understand how to play nicely. Keira sometimes breaks things of mine, but she doesn’t mean to – last weekend she drew on the wall of the kitchen with a green pen and Lou had to send her up to her room because–’
‘Daniel, for God’s sake, shut up!’
That had come out too abruptly. It shouldn’t have come out at all; the words should have stayed in her head. He looked confused, then his face crumpled and she knew he was about to cry.
‘Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to shout, I’m just tired…’
But the little boy had turned and was running out of the room. She heard him sob as he bounded up the stairs, then the thump of his door closing echoed through the house.
What the hell was wrong with her? Eve sat on the sofa, staring out through the window onto the street, feeling sick. Nothing could excuse the way she’d just snapped at her son, but she knew why she was so short-tempered: it was Saturday and Ben was coming over as usual to pick up Daniel in a couple of hours. She always hated Saturday mornings for precisely that reason, but today was particularly bad. This would be the first time they’d seen each other, or communicated, since he walked out of the pub.
But that wasn’t Daniel’s fault. Why had she yelled at him? The trouble was, like most little boys, he had no off switch, and she’d had just about all she could take of his chatter about the precious new baby. But it was only natural he was going to talk about it all the time; he was excited. Ben was right, she’d turned into a mean bitch.
She got up from the sofa and flicked the remote to turn off the garish cartoon Daniel had been watching on CBBC. As she walked upstairs, she could hear him sobbing, and she stopped on the landing outside his room, her hand on the banister, her heart thundering. This was all too awful.
She knocked on the door gently, then pushed it open and peered through. He was lying face down on the bed, his head buried in his arms.
‘Daniel,’ she said softly, as she walked over to him and sat down. ‘Daniel, I’m so sorry I shouted at you. It was horrible of me. Please forgive me?’
He was still crying, but more softly now. She knew he was listening: waiting for her to carry on. She reached out and stroked his hair, the warmth of his little body radiating through her hand.
‘I’m not being very nice at the moment, am I?’ she said.
He lay still for a few seconds, then rolled over and looked up at her.
‘It’s okay, you can agree with me.’ She smiled. ‘I know I’ve been grumpy and snappy, and that’s not fair on you.’
He sniffed and slowly stretched out his hand towards her, starting to fiddle with the button on the front of her cardigan.
‘I’ve had a lot of things on my mind recently – things that have been worrying me – and that’s made me upset and I’ve behaved badly,’ she said. ‘But there’s no reason for me to take it out on you.’
He looked up at her, his eyes still glistening with tears. ‘That’s all right, Mummy. I know you’ve been sad.’
The surprise must have shown on her face.
‘You’ve been sad because of Granny,’ he said. ‘About her having to go into the horrible old people’s place. But when we go and see her now, she’s always happy and she’s got her new friend, the lady with the funny teeth, so maybe you don’t need to be so sad about it anymore?’
Eve pulled him towards her in a hug, inhaling deeply to get a full fix of the sweet smell of his skin against hers, the shampoo in his hair, the washing powder on his clothes. She loved everything about this child; adored him so much that the love was a physical ache inside her.
She suddenly realised this was the first time they’d really spoken about what was happening with Flora. She hadn’t given him credit for being perceptive enough to know – or care – what was going on. She had presumed the regular visits to Three Elms were just an inconvenience in his six-year-old world, an hour or so of enforced boredom before he could get home and switch on the TV or play with his Lego or his Nerf gun.
‘Granny has been taking up a lot of my time recently, but that’s already changing and things are getting easier,’ she said. ‘You’re right, she’s happier now, so I don’t need to speak to her so often or go over to see her all the time. But I still need to be there for her, because she’s my Mummy and I love her. The most important thing though, is that I’m your Mummy too and I need to be here for you.’
He lay back on the bed and nodded. ‘You are,’ he said. ‘Most of the time.’
They looked at each other and grinned, and she put out her hand and swept his unruly fringe out of his eyes. He was overdue a haircut; she’d have to sort that out one day after school next week. Unless Ben could do it this afternoon? At the thought of asking Ben for anything, her heart flipped again.
‘The way things have been here, at home…’ she began, not sure this was the right time for this conversation, but deciding to risk it anyway. ‘Has that had any effect on you at school? I mean, I know you haven’t been happy there sometimes, and you’ve been getting into trouble. Is that because I’ve been so busy and you felt I was ignoring you?’
He shook his head, concentrating on the button on her cardigan again. ‘Not really. It’s not about you.’
‘So, what’s going on with this other boy, then; Liam?’
Daniel’s eyes shot up to meet hers. He looked startled.
‘Mrs Russell said the two of you don’t get on, and you’ve been hitting Liam and fighting with him. I know it’s hard when you don’t like someone, but it’s really important you try to be nice to everyone in your class.’
Daniel whispered something that she couldn’t hear.
‘Sorry, tell me that again?’
‘I said, he’s not nice to me. I don’t know why, but he hates me. He hated me last year as well, but he hates me more now. He says stuff to me.’
‘What sort of stuff?’ asked Eve.
‘He says I’ve got big ears and big feet, and that I do smelly farts. And when I don’t wear the right uniform to school, he laughs at me and tells everyone I’m a loser.’
‘Oh, that’s horrible.’ God, this was her fault: a couple of days ago she had yet again sent Daniel into school wearing a non-regulation sweatshirt, because she’d put a load of washing into the machine late at night and forgotten to get it out again, so his school jumper was still wet in the morning. He hadn’t seemed to mind when she packed him off to school and she’d had no idea that the clothes she dressed him in were being used to make him feel bad. She needed to pull her finger out. There was already another full laundry basket of dirty clothes downstairs right now; as soon as she finished speaking to Daniel she would go and throw it all into the machine.
‘I’m going to do something about this,’ she said. ‘I’m going to make sure that you have a proper uniform to wear every day. But you have not got big ears, or big feet, and so what if your farts smell? Everyone does smelly farts.’
He looked up at her again and started to smile.
‘The thing is though, sweetheart, just because someone is being nasty to you, it doesn’t mean you can hit them or kick them. You’re going to have to learn to ignore whatever Liam says and walk away.’
‘I do,’ said Daniel. ‘But he follows me. He pinches my legs under the desk and he kicks my feet when we’re in the queue at lunchtime. The other day he bent one of my fingers back when we were washing the brushes from art. It really hurt.’
‘Why doesn’t Mrs Russell tell him off?’
The boy shrugged. ‘She never sees when he does it; he waits until she’s looking the other way. She only sees me doing things back to him.’
Eve sighed. It sounded as if Liam whatever-his-name-was had got school and Mrs Russell sussed. Unlike Daniel. ‘I know it’s hard, but you have to stop hurting him in return, when he hurts you. The main thing is to stay away from him, so he doesn’t have the chance to do anything to you. You also need to learn a thing or two from him about staying under the radar – if you really can’t stop yourself from giving him a kick, make sure you do it when Mrs Russell isn’t looking! Not that I’m suggesting you should ever kick someone. Obviously. But if your foot should happen to slip when you’re near him…’
She winked at Daniel, then got up and grabbed him by the hands, swinging him off the bed so he was standing up beside her. ‘But right now, we’re going to go down and have some milk and a biscuit, so you’re not hungry when Daddy picks you up. Is that a good idea?’
Daniel nodded, his tears now dry and his eyes shining. As they went back down the stairs, he hopped from one leg to the other, still clutching her hand. ‘Will you be okay when I’ve gone to Daddy’s?’
‘Of course I will, how do you mean?’
‘Will you be lonely?’
She suddenly realised that he wasn’t talking about this afternoon, once she’d waved Ben’s Audi off down the street. He was thinking about Glasgow.
She sat down on the bottom step and gently pulled him round to face her. ‘I’ll be fine, you don’t need to worry about me. But what about you – will you be okay at Daddy’s?’
He nodded, staring down at his fingers as he twisted them around each other.
‘Are you looking forward to it?’ she asked, not really wanting to hear his answer.
He nodded again. ‘But I don’t want you to be lonely. You’ll be here all by yourself and I won’t be back when the weekend finishes. What will you do without me?’
She made herself smile, although in all honesty she had no idea what she would do. But this wasn’t good; the fact that he was so concerned about her that he couldn’t be excited about his own future. ‘You mustn’t worry about me; you should be looking forward to having a new bedroom and going to a new school in Glasgow. It’s all going to be really exciting! Whatever happens, we will make it work, and if you move away with Daddy – when you move away – I’ll be fine here on my own. I’ll keep your room clean and tidy, and you can come back whenever you want to see your friends, I’m sure you’ll want to come back so you can play with Robbie in the holidays, won’t you? I’ll come up to see you as well – maybe some weekends I can come up on the train after work. I’ll miss you, but I’ll be happy knowing you’re having a good time.’
‘What if I get lonely without you?’ he asked, in a small voice.
She pulled him into a hug, so he couldn’t see that her face was crumpling as she tried not to cry. ‘Well, in that case, Daddy and Lou will look after you for me,’ she said, squeezing her eyes shut. ‘You’re bound to get lonely sometimes and feel miserable because you’re away from me. But you’ll have them all to take care of you and cheer you up again. Daddy and Lou both love you very much and they will be there for you all the time. Every single minute of the day and night. If you’re feeling sad or if you’re missing me, then you can ask for a special hug from Daddy… or from Lou.’