“Don’t be such a Pollyanna!”1 How many times has someone tried to put you down with these words when you were trying to look at the brighter side of things? For many years I never questioned that being a Pollyanna was a bad thing. It was unconsciously hammered into my head.
Having dinner with a friend one evening, I fervently tried to make her see the positive side of something she fervently viewed as negative. Suddenly she disdainfully remarked, “You’re beginning to sound like Pollyanna.” Much to her surprise and mine, I blurted out, “What’s so terrible about Pollyanna, anyway? What’s wrong with feeling good about life despite the obstacles in your way? What’s wrong with looking at the sun instead of seeing gloom and doom? What’s wrong with trying to see good in everything? Nothing is wrong with it!” I asserted. “In fact,” I added incredulously, “why would anyone resist thinking that way?”
And resist we do! Positive thinking is one of the most difficult of all concepts to get across to people. When I present my ideas on positive thinking in my workshops and classes, many of my students respond immediately with “Oh, that’s not realistic!” When I question them about what makes negative thinking more realistic, they cannot give me an answer. There is an automatic assumption that negative is realistic and positive is unrealistic. Upon inspection, this is pure madness.
It is reported that more than 90% of what we worry about never happens. That means that our negative worries have less than a 10% chance of being correct. If this is so, isn’t being positive more realistic than being negative? Think about your own life. I’ll wager that most of what you worry about never happens. So are you being realistic when you worry all the time? No!
If you think about it, the important issue is not which is more realistic, but rather, “Why be miserable when you can be happy?” If being a Pollyanna creates a happier world for you and those around you, why hesitate for one more moment?
Let’s look at examples of these two attitudes. Joan and Mary were both housewives in their midforties when their husbands suddenly died. Joan immediately took on the mantle of tragedy. For years, she solicited sympathy from everyone, until it reached the point where no one wanted to be in her company. She then had “proof” that single women never get invited anywhere. She convinced herself that she would never find anyone to love her again, and, naturally, that’s what her attitude and behavior were creating for her. Because her husband left her only enough money for survival, she decided she would have to live on that amount, since someone her age would never find a job. She went to a few interviews, but with her lack of enthusiasm, she understandably never landed a job. Her negativity created a “realistic” life of misery.
Mary, on the other hand, took a Pollyanna attitude after her husband’s death. Following a short period of mourning, she picked herself up and started all over again. She was one of those individuals who truly believed that one can create good from anything. She too was left without any extra money, and she determined that it was now time to go out and obtain money for herself.
Although Mary had never worked before, she was confident that a place for her existed in the job market. She had always done volunteer fund-raising and liked it immensely. On the basis of her experience as a volunteer, she applied to be an assistant in the fund-raising department of a medium-sized charity. Within two years, she found herself totally in charge. Throughout this period she was feeling a sense of expansion and growth she had never felt before. Although she would not have wished her husband’s death and still misses him at times, she realizes she has grown enormously as a result of having to make it on her own.
Unlike Joan’s friends, Mary’s never excluded her from any of their plans. Why would they? She always brought an incredible sense of enthusiasm and exuberance to life. The way she turned her tragedy into triumph served as an inspiration to everyone. Her positive outlook created a very “realistic” life of joy and satisfaction.
Nothing is realistic or unrealistic—there is only what we think about any given situation. We create our own reality.
What does this have to do with fear? Everything! Remember, to handle fear is to move from a position of pain to one of power. Although both women had their fears, Joan held hers from a position of pain, whereas Mary held hers from a position of power. Joan’s fears resulted in stagnation; Mary’s fears resulted in growth.
Joan still worries about not having enough friends, about dying alone, about running out of money. Her heaviness is ominous. She truly lives her life on the left side of the Pain-to-Power Chart—helpless, depressed, paralyzed.
Mary’s fears, on the other hand, led to her raising more than enough money for her organization, doing a good job on a television interview, getting a newsletter printed on time, and other successes. Her fears have a totally different quality from Joan’s. She lives on the right side of the Pain-to-Power Chart— at ease in her world, excited, and motivated. There is absolutely no question that learning to think more positively will pull you closer and closer toward finding your own power.
I learned an amazing way to demonstrate the effectiveness of positive versus negative thinking from Jack Canfield, coauthor of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series and President of Self-Esteem Seminars, which I have used in my workshops. I ask someone to come up and stand facing the rest of the class. After making sure the person has no problems with her (or his) arms, I ask my volunteer to make a fist and extend either arm out to the side. I then tell her to resist, with as much strength as she can muster, as I stand facing her and attempt to push her arm down with my outstretched hand. Not once have I succeeded in pushing her arm down on my initial trial.
I then ask her to put her arm down, close her eyes and repeat ten times the negative statement “I am a weak and unworthy person.” I tell her really to get into the feel of that statement. When she has repeated the statement ten times, I ask her to open her eyes and extend her arm again exactly as she had before. I remind her to resist as hard as she can. Immediately, I am able to bring down her arm. It is as though all strength has left her.
I wish I could record the expressions on my volunteers’ faces when they find it impossible to resist my pressure. A few have made me do it again. “I wasn’t ready!” is their plea. Lo and behold, the same thing happens on the second try—the arm goes right down with little resistance. They are dumbfounded.
I then ask the volunteer once again to close her eyes, and repeat ten times the positive statement “I am a strong and worthy person.” Again I tell her to really get into the feeling of the words. Once again I ask her to extend her arm and resist my pressure. To her amazement (and everyone else’s) I cannot budge the arm. In fact, it is more steadfast than the first time I tried to push it down.
If I continue interspersing positive with negative, the same results occur. I can push the arm down after the negative statement, I am not able to push it down after the positive statement. By the way—for you skeptics out there—I tried this experiment when I was unaware of what the volunteer was saying. I left the room, and the class decided whether the statement should be negative or positive. It didn’t matter. Weak words meant a weak arm. Strong words meant a strong arm.
This is a stunning demonstration of the power of the words we speak. Positive words make us physically strong; negative words make us physically weak. The amazing aspect of this experiment is that it doesn’t matter if we believe the words or not. The mere uttering of them makes our inner self believe them. It is as though the inner self doesn’t know what is true and what is false. It doesn’t judge. It only reacts to what it is fed. When the words “I am weak” come in, our inner self instructs the rest of us, “He (or she) wants to be weak today.”When the words “I am strong” come in, the instruction to your body is “He wants to be strong today.”
What does all this tell you? STOP FEEDING YOURSELF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. Negative thoughts take away your power . . . and thus make you more paralyzed from your fear.
As you know, positive thinking is not a new concept. Aside from Pollyanna, Norman Vincent Peale, Napoleon Hill, Maxwell Maltz, and others popularized the concept many years ago. Their books are still available today. So, why don’t people think more positively? My guess is that people don’t understand what being a positive thinker requires. It takes a special commitment and requires a great deal of practice. And once you get it all down perfectly, a maintenance program is a must. I know of no one who has been able to make “positive” a permanent way of thinking without practice. Such people may exist; I simply haven’t met them. In my experience, if you don’t practice, you lose the skill. This is the point most people don’t seem to understand.
I know it doesn’t seem fair that you automatically become negative when you stop practicing the positive. I liken it to exercise. Once you get your body in shape, you can’t stop working out. Within a short time your muscles start losing tone, and where you once could do fifty sit-ups, twenty is now your maximum. You must keep at it.
The intellect acts in the same way. When problem solving, stimulating discussion or reading is a part of your daily life, your mind is sharp. After a two-week vacation of lounging on the beach, your brain feels soggy. It takes quite a few days to get your brain back in shape.
Obviously, certain aspects of ourselves need constant reinforcement, and a positive mental attitude is just one of them. To offer some good evidence for this, many years ago I joined a remarkable group called The Inside Edge, founded by Diana and Paul von Welanetz. The group still exists today, and is comprised of what I consider to be successful and positive people. At each meeting, either one of the group members or an outside speaker gives an inspirational talk that is motivating and energizing. Everyone in the group recognizes the need to not only practice positive thinking, but also to be around positive people.
It is significant that in this group are a number of bestselling authors in the self-help field. They know most of the self-help techniques available, yet they congregate week after week—I might add, at 6:15 in the morning—in order to offer each other support. I would wager that every one of them practices some sort of positive thinking daily. They know that if they miss a day, they feel a little “off.”
I know most people resist the fact that constant practice is required, or we would all be positive thinkers. It might help to remember that your shower, your makeup, and your shave also don’t last, yet you don’t have any resistance to starting your day with showering, shaving, or putting on new makeup. These are refreshing activities—and so is positive thinking. In fact, it feels wonderful!
So here you are, a blob of negativity. How do you even begin to turn around those miserable thoughts that take away your power? You begin by doing the same thing you would do if your body were out of shape. You create an exercise program— in this case, to retrain your mind. To do so, you must take action.
Before giving you a suggested action plan, I recommend that you have on hand the following to make your daily routine more efficient and certainly more pleasurable:
1. A small audiocassette or CD player, iPod, or all of the above . . . whatever suits you best for “portable” listening.
2. Positive audiotapes and CDs. We are so fortunate in today’s world to have such an array of audio material available to us for creating a positive view of life. These include affirmation, relaxation, meditation, motivation, visualization, and inspirational tapes and CDs. Also, many uplifting books are now available in audio format. Once you realize the benefits you’ll receive from such listening material you will take joy in building an extensive audio library.
3. Positive books that inspire and motivate. I suggest that you buy your books instead of borrowing them from the library. The reason for this is that you will want to underline and write in the books and reread them over and over again. You will want to “own” these books in every sense of the word. They provide an incredible support system that is there for you at all times. You might feel that buying these books and audios is a costly proposition—and you’re right. Yet I can’t think of a better investment to help you create a better life. If money is a problem, start slowly. The important thing is: BEGIN!
4. Index cards or Post-it notes.
5. Positive quotes. Find those that really touch you in some way. Some very effective quotes for me are:
“Ships in harbor are safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.”—John Shedd
“The best way out is always through.”—Helen Keller
“I’m not a failure if I don’t make it . . . I’m a success because I tried.”—Unknown
“Considering how dangerous everything is, nothing is really very frightening!”—Gertrude Stein
And how about:
“Feel the fear . . . and do it anyway!”—Susan Jeffers
Write each quote on an individual index card or Post-it. Then put them all over the place—on your mirrors, your desk, the refrigerator door, in your car, your diary, and so on. You may want to put one quote that really “speaks” to you on many cards, so that wherever you turn, it’s there as a reminder.
If you are artistic, make a decorative poster with your quotes to hang on your wall. Or buy one of those wonderful posters with inspirational sayings on them and use it to decorate your wall.
You will find that your quotes will change often as you move ahead with your life. Different ideas are meaningful at different times. Just keep changing the quotes. Be creative; try to bring some lightness to the task. As humorist Jan Marshall said, “Not a shred of evidence exists that life is serious!” Go overboard and be outrageous until friends ask you what’s going on. Really have fun with this.
6. Affirmations. I mentioned affirmation tapes and CDs on page 67 (#2). What is an affirmation? An affirmation is self-talk in its highest form. Remember the power of self-talk in the arm experiment? An affirmation is one of your greatest tools, and the easiest and cheapest to use.
An affirmation is a positive statement that something is already happening. It’s not happening tomorrow or in the future, but right now. Here are a few:
I am breaking through old patterns and moving forward with my life.
I relax knowing I can handle it all.
I stand tall and take responsibility for my life.
I know that I count and I act as if I do.
I spread warmth and love everywhere I go.
I let go and I trust it’s all happening perfectly.
I peacefully allow my life to unfold.
I am finding the gift in all experiences.
I am powerful and I am loving and I have nothing to fear.
I focus on my many blessings.
These are just a few to get you started. I am such a strong believer in affirmations that I have created three affirmation audios: Inner Talk for a Confident Day, Inner Talk for Peace of Mind, and Inner Talk for a Love that Works (see the bibliography). Listening to these audios will certainly build up your repertoire of affirmations, as you build up your sense of confidence, peace, and love.
There are some things to remember about affirmations:
Always state affirmations in the present.
Wrong: I will handle my fears.
Right: I am now handling my fears.
Always phrase affirmations in the positive, rather than the negative.
Wrong: I am no longer putting myself down.
Right: I am becoming more confident every day.
Select affirmations that feel right to you at any given time. What feels right changes as your situation and mood change.
Now what do you do with all of these tools? I will illustrate by going through a typical day, putting these positive thinking tools to use. The whole point of the program can be summed up in three words: OUTTALK YOUR NEGATIVITY. And, as you probably already know, this is a challenge.
That internal Chatterbox has incredible staying power. It will resist in every way it can in order to maintain its power over you. Once you have that little voice under control, you’ve got it made. At that point, positive thinking will become more automatic, so that just a few daily reminders will suffice to keep you uplifted. But in the beginning it’s got to be full speed ahead! So let’s go through your first day of outtalking your Chatterbox.
Beginner’s Intensive for Positive Thinking
1. As you begin to awaken, turn on your audio machine. Remember to choose your audio the night before and insert it in your machine ready for you to press the PLAY button. An affirmation audio offers you a wonderful way to start the day (Inner Talk for a Confident Day would work beautifully here). Or you can choose a meditation, motivational, or inspirational talk or audio book as an alternative. What great times we live in for learning and growing! After you press the PLAY button, lie there with your eyes closed and let the powerful and loving thoughts sink in. You have to admit that this certainly beats lying there thinking about how you don’t want to get up and face all the lousy and scary things you have to do all day.
2. As you get out of bed, pay attention to the positive quotes you’ve surrounded yourself with—on the wall, the refrigerator, your mirror, and so on. You might want to chuckle a bit at what it takes for the human race to make itself feel good!
3. As you dress, it’s a great time to play some music that makes your heart sing. That could be relaxation music, rock music, classical music, or whatever feels right for you at any given moment.
4. Also, as you dress, begin to repeat the affirmations you have chosen for the day. A great place to repeat your affirmations is in front of the mirror. Repeat your affirmations for at least ten minutes, and continue throughout the day whenever negativity tries to enter your thinking. It requires vigilance to notice that the negativity is there; it sneaks in so quietly. But as soon as you are aware of it, begin replacing this negativity with your affirmations. Don’t let the little voice take over. Outtalk your Chatterbox! I promise you that with practice the negative voice will be the rarity and the positive voice the norm. Just believe that constant repetition will do the trick eventually.
NOTE: In the beginning, I suggest that you do not turn on the television or radio and listen to the news, if that is your habit. The presentation of the news is overwhelmingly negative. For the time being, let your chosen positive voice be the only news you hear as you prepare for the happenings of the day. If it is your habit to read the newspaper as you eat breakfast, read one of your inspirational or motivational self-help books instead.
While teaching a fear class in New York, as an experiment I instructed my students to stay away from the news entirely. They were surprised at the positive difference it made in their lives. Instead of talking with friends about how miserable the world situation was, they began sharing the positive ideas they learned from the self-help books, and their conversations became more animated and exciting.
Once you’ve acquired the positive thinking habit, you can resume reading the entire paper and listening to the news. You may find that you have developed a more constructive approach to the media, seeing in “bad news” opportunities to begin taking responsibility for yourself and your community.
5. If you exercise daily, that is an opportune time to pump in your positive thinking. Affirmations such as, “I can feel the energy coursing through my body” and “I am creating a beautiful day” will make your exercise routine far more effective.
6. Breakfast is over and it is now time to get yourself to work. I live in Los Angeles and I often hear people lamenting about the time they have to spend in their automobiles. Not me! I have made my car my “temple of learning,” and I can’t wait to get into it. As soon as I turn on the motor, I turn on one of my tapes or CDs. I listen to either motivational or inspirational messages or stirring music. This is time that some people see as wasted and I see as immensely productive. Without my car trip, I lose out on a lot of listening time.
NOTE: Do not use your relaxation or meditation audios in the car, for obvious reasons.
If you walk to work, modern audio equipment can make listening to your audios along the way possible . . . or you can simply repeat your affirmations over and over again. If you work in your home, you are in luck, because you can play your positive messages all day as you do your chores and run your errands. And if you have small children at home, think about the positive impact these tapes will have on their young and impressionable minds.
7. As you walk into your office, be aware of the positive messages you have already placed there. Again, chuckle to yourself. It helps you to lighten up about everything!
8. Pick one special affirmation for the day. Then write it in your diary. If you are running short on affirmations, choose one that feels right for you from my Inner Talk books or audios. Or, you can visit my website and use the daily affirmation that I place there. Every time you refer to your diary, say the affirmation at least ten times. You can also place a special affirmation on your desk where it is constantly visible. Right now the affirmation on my desk is “It’s all happening perfectly.” It is there to remind me that no matter what happens relative to any situation in my life, I will learn and grow from it all. A great reminder indeed!
9. Unless you are a total masochist, you will want to maintain the high energy and fearless state you plugged into with your early-morning ritual. As daily pressures and doubts begin to seep in, simply give yourself a “fix” of positive energy. All you have to do is repeat your affirmations over and over again until you feel your strength and optimism return. Your Chatterbox will also be trying to enter your consciousness all day; remember to outtalk it. Keep these positive fixes going day and night.
10. Before you go to sleep, put a relaxation tape into your audio machine and let in the soothing messages. Inner Talk for Peace of Mind would be a very good choice to send you off to a restful and happy sleep . . . or any other audio that gives you a feeling of peace. This is much better than listening to your Chatterbox, which tries to convince you that your life is lacking and that you are not good enough. Awful! Instead, drift off to blissful sleep with the recording feeding you messages of love and caring.
Please believe me when I tell you that if you commit yourself to such a program your whole world will turn around. Positive thinking changes everything in your life. Without your negative Chatterbox, you will wonder what you were always so afraid of before. You will have energy you never thought possible. You will laugh a lot and love a lot more. You will draw more and more positive people into your life. You will be healthier physically. You will be happy to be alive.
In a short period of time (you’ll know when you are ready), you can ease up a bit and begin a maintenance program. Give yourself at least one month, however, before you cut back. If on some days you were not as diligent as you would have liked, don’t let your Chatterbox scold you. I can just hear it in there saying, “See, you can’t even follow a simple program like this. You’ll never feel good. You’re hopeless.” Just keep remembering that it’s only your Chatterbox speaking, and you can outtalk it. “I’m doing it all perfectly!” is a wonderful affirmation when the Chatterbox tries to tell you you’ve goofed.
I can’t stress enough that positive thinking needs daily practice. I’ve been practicing it for years, and still spend some time each day focusing on the elimination of negativity from my thinking. If I stop completely, as I have on occasion, I know my good feelings will slowly diminish. Thank goodness it is easy to get into the swing of it again simply by following the program. I always ask myself then, “Why do I stop doing something that makes me feel so good?”
One more important thought about positive thinking: It is important that you don’t use it as an excuse for denial. We begin to feel so good feeling the power of positive thoughts that it is tempting to stifle any sadness and pain that exists, not only in our own lives, but in the world as well.
Yes, there is pain in our own lives. We all experience loss and disappointment. No one is immune. And real positive thinking allows the tears to flow, always knowing we will get to the other side of the pain and live a beautiful and productive life. Yes, there is pain in the world . . . and real positive thinking allows the tears to flow for the world as well. Starvation exists. Racism exists. War exists. Environmental problems exist. And on it goes. Let the tears flow, and then get involved! Approach your involvement with the positive sense that something can be done, even if the answer is not readily seen. Denial creates in-activity . . . and so does hopelessness.
No one is immune to pain, and it shouldn’t be denied when it exists. The key is to know that you can lead a productive and meaningful life no matter what the external circumstances are. What positive thinking does is offer a power boost to help you handle whatever life gives you. Your “bad breaks” do not dominate your life; your indomitable strength does. And when you feel that indomitable strength, you really can handle any of your fears from a position of power—the kind of power that really can make good things happen.
Pollyanna is a delightful story about a young girl who made a game of finding “something to be glad about” in anything negative that came into her life. Over the years this kind of “Pollyanna” thinking has been maligned as being naive and unrealistic.