Chapter 10

Planning for the Future

How Far Have We Come?

Congratulations—you are coming to the end of the program. If you and your child have worked through the chapters and exercises in this book carefully, it has probably been a long, hard road. Hopefully, it has also been a worthwhile one. Your son or daughter should be quite a different child from the one who started the program. Of course, change can range from large to small—everyone is different, and how much your child has changed will depend on so many things.

Maintaining Gains

Probably the main question on your mind now is, where do we go from here? How long do we keep practicing, and when can we put all this behind us and forget all about it? Unfortunately, these questions don’t have clear-cut answers. Every child is different, and every situation varies. Some children we have treated make huge gains in a few short weeks and never look back. Others change slowly and to only a small degree and may really need to keep their practice going for months or even years. The typical child is probably somewhere in between. He or she may practice hard for ten to fifteen weeks and make positive changes. At this point, these children can stop doing the set, formal practices, but they and their parents need to keep in mind all that they have learned, and continue to do so for the rest of their lives. They need to keep reminding themselves of the principles of realistic thinking and stepladders and, whenever they get a chance, they should do the occasional practice. This doesn’t mean having to do formal practice, but simply, that they should practice whenever life throws something a little tough their way. For example, when your child has exams or a big sporting event or perhaps has to give a speech at an awards night, it’s a chance for your child to remind him- or herself of the techniques learned here. If your child finds that his or her anxiety is high, it is a chance to practice the techniques properly again for a week or so, just to get back on top of things. The practice your child has to do should not be too painful over time because many of the techniques should become a natural and normal part of his or her life. As your child builds confidence, makes new friends, and has successes, the techniques, such as realistic thinking and social skills and even stepladders, will be something that he or she does anyway as part of living.

Relapse

There is the possibility of what professionals call relapse, that is, that at some point, your child will once again begin to experience problems with fears and anxiety. This is not necessarily going to happen, and for many children, it never does. But as described in chapter 1, for a variety of reasons, including his or her genes, your child is likely to be a sensitive child, and so there is always the possibility that anxiety will once again rear its head. This may happen for a number of reasons. First, once life starts to feel good again, it is understandable that children and their parents often stop practicing their techniques. Sometimes, in these cases, anxiety just has a habit of very gradually creeping back. Second, bad things do happen in life. Your child may lose someone close to him or her, or he or she could fail an important exam, move to a new house, or be in a car accident. And when something bad happens in life, it makes many of us begin to think for a while that other dangers are very likely. For sensitive children, this might be enough to bring back the negative thoughts and feelings of anxiety. And finally, anxiety and fears can return, in some cases, during times of general stress. For example, if you or your partner become unemployed or if you have a burglary or you separate, these general stresses that enter the family life and affect all of you may cause your child to lose confidence and begin to have fears again.

If relapse does happen, it is not something to panic over. Simply going back to basics and practicing the techniques that worked the first time should get things under control quickly. When your child’s return of fear has been triggered by another problem, such as stress within the family or a major calamity, it is important to allow all of you time to deal with that stress first. For example, let’s imagine that your partner lands in the hospital after a serious work accident and the whole family is distressed. Your child might lose some confidence, and you may find that some of the fears that he or she had before, or even some new ones, might develop. It is important not to immediately start to do realistic thinking, stepladders, and so on, in a frantic fashion. Rather, allow everyone time to adjust to the changes in your life and to deal with the practical problems and the emotions of the situation first. Once you are starting to get a little control over the stress in your life, then you can begin to practice the anxiety control techniques again.

An important point to remember is that if your child does show some signs of anxiety again, it will take much less time to get on top of that anxiety the second time around. Your child should now know the techniques well and will be able to put them straight into practice. In addition, the anxiety will not have had long to take hold.

We certainly hope that nothing terrible does happen in your child’s life and that he or she manages to live a life free of interference from anxiety. But even if there are difficulties along the road, it is good to know that your child has now learned some techniques and skills that will be of benefit throughout the rest of his or her life.

Planning for the Future

You have reached the end of the program on learning to manage your child’s anxiety. You have also taught your child valuable skills that will no doubt assist him or her in the future when he or she is struggling with other issues. It might be nice to have a family dinner party with all your child’s favorite foods as a surprise reward for these achievements.

Taking Time to Chill: Positive and Negative Coping Strategies for Stress

In the future it will be very important to encourage your child to take positive steps to manage general everyday stress. Because your child is probably a sensitive person, learning these skills will help him or her to develop ways of looking after him- or herself in life. Taking a proactive approach to stress will reduce the likelihood of more serious problems, such as continuing anxiety, depression, and substance use. To help your child manage everyday stress, you might, for example, encourage him or her to take up yoga or to practice relaxation, if these are things that he or she would personally find helpful. Ensure that your child devotes time to regular exercise and proper nutrition. It is also especially important for most people to spend time socializing with friends and family. Anxious children have a tendency to focus excessively on tasks such as studying or work. The problem with spending all of their time on any one activity is that they are likely to burn out and they will find it more difficult to achieve their goals. As a parent you need to recognize that a balanced life between work (or school), self-care (like exercising), and a social life is crucial to emotional and physical health.

As your child enters adolescence, it will also be important to acknowledge the temptations of negative coping strategies as a way of dealing with stress. It’s important to acknowledge that some people cope with stress by using drugs and alcohol, withdrawing from friends and family, and neglecting activities such as diet, sleep, and exercise. If you discuss these approaches, their disadvantages, and alternative options in an open way with your child, he or she will be more likely to make positive choices in the future.

Planning for Future Challenges

Before finishing the program, it is important to plan for the future. Managing anxiety will take continuing work, as we discussed above. By looking at future events that may cause anxiety and planning for them using the anxiety management skills, you can prevent major setbacks. That is not to say that there will be no times of high anxiety for your child, but with work, the level of anxiety will be no different than what most children experience during their lifetimes. For some children, immediate future plans will include finishing their current stepladders. You and your child will need to review how far you’ve gotten and how you intend to finish off the steps or goals that are left. For those children who have reached their original goals, it is useful to ask what the next big life challenge will be and set this as a goal that will be tackled with the help of anxiety management skills. For example, if your child is currently in second grade and you know that camp and other group activities you’ll want your child to participate in will start in the next few years, you might like to make a long-term goal of preparing for this event by breaking the potential fear down into manageable steps that can be completed well before the event even occurs. Keeping an eye on your child’s future skill needs, as well as on current ones, helps you to be proactive in ensuring your child’s successes.

Parent Activity: Preparing to Set Goals for the Future

Take some time to think of your child’s future.

What skills will your child need in the next few years (e.g., for sleep-overs, camp, staying home alone after school)?

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What challenges will your child have to face (e.g., starting high school, moving to a new house, having new siblings)?

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Use these ideas to plan long-term goals with your child.

Activities to Do with Your Child …

Children’s Activity 29: What Have You Achieved?

Talk with your child about how far he or she has come over the past few months, and don’t allow a discounting of these achievements. Your child has learned new skills that have enabled him or her to face the things he or she used to worry about, and that is a very big accomplishment. Tell your child what you are proud of about these recent achievements—and give special praise for the effort put in as well as for the fears that he or she has conquered.

Also have your child acknowledge any goals that he or she is still working toward and then you can both talk about when and how to tackle these. It can help to write down new goals that your child can keep working on over the next few months or even a year.

Children’s Activity 30: Stopping Fears and Worries from Coming Back

Explain to your child that the only way to keep fears and worries under control is to keep practicing your skills (like detective thinking and assertiveness) and to every so often remind yourself that you are strong enough to fight the bad feelings. Your child can do this by facing the once-feared event every now and then as a reminder of how brave he or she now is.

Talk with your child about the possibility that one day he or she might once again feel very scared or worried. Make an agreement that if that’s the case in the future, your child will come to you and talk about what is happening, and, in turn, you will give him or her your attention and try your best to understand and give the help he or she needs to face the new challenge. Explain that although your child may feel very anxious at the time, facing fears the second time is usually much quicker and a lot easier than what he or she has been doing over the last few months.

Children’s Activity 31: Facing a Really Big Challenge

In this final activity you should ask your child to set a challenge by doing something enjoyable that he or she previously would have avoided or by identifying a big challenge to be faced in the near future (such as going away to camp, starting high school, or joining a sports team). Once an activity is chosen, write an action plan that will help your child to be successful. This might include what needs to be done to start the activity, ways of reducing any anxiety felt, and where your child might be able to get help to achieve the goal. We hope that by aiming to do something challenging that is also enjoyable, your child will also increase social contact, allowing him or her to experience and overcome more anxiety—and ultimately helping your child to perfect his or her anxiety management skills.

Chapter Highlights

In this chapter you and your child learned …

• The progress you have made toward the goals set in the first weeks of the program should be evident.
• It is important to practice anxiety management skills occasionally to ensure that the gains made are maintained.
• Relapses can happen, particularly at times of stress, and when they do, working through the program skills and steps again can quickly overcome the problem.
• It is important to actively manage everyday stress by taking good care of yourself; getting plenty of rest; balancing work, school, and social activities at all times; and avoiding negative coping strategies such as neglecting yourself or your friendships, or using drugs or alcohol.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Remember that in activity 5, when you made the family commitment to learning to manage anxiety, you agreed to do a special family activity at the end of the program if you all tried your best. You should plan to do this in the next week. Make sure you all keep to your agreement and enjoy your time together. Give a copy of the certificate on the next page to your child in recognition of his or her effort and achievement.