Being the parent of an anxious child can be a roller coaster. While anxious children are often thoughtful and caring, they can also be exasperating and place extra demands on parents in terms of time and emotion. Often extended family and friends do not see the distress being experienced by both the child and his or her immediate family. When a child always seems to be scared of something and begins to miss out on so many of life’s rewards, most parents are desperate to help. So it is understandably frustrating when nothing you do seems to work. Sometimes the things you try seem to make children worse in the long term, and because most people think that children will “just grow out of it” at some point, many families suffer for a long time before they find out that something can be done.
Anxiety is a common problem among children and adults alike, and there are many successful treatment programs run by professionals that have been developed to provide much-needed help. The program you are about to embark on is different. It is an adaptation of the proven professional programs designed to allow parents to teach anxiety management skills to their own child.
This book is designed to guide parents through a structured course of readings and activities that will help you to teach your child to manage his or her anxiety and will help you to learn new ways of responding to anxious behavior. Each chapter includes children’s activities, to encourage children to be actively involved in taking control of their anxiety, and practice tasks that will help you and your child to practice new skills in everyday life.
We hope that you enjoy the program and that your child conquers his or her fears and worries by successfully learning anxiety management skills.
We know that every child is different and so is every family. So there are no hard-and-fast rules in running this program, and if you think of a better way to do something, then we encourage you to try it. But we have had many years of experience in running programs like this one and in working with children and their parents. Based on this experience, we can share with you some of the principles that work best for the majority of families.
First, the activities and readings in this book are best completed in the order they appear. Each set of readings and activities is designed to build on the last set. If you jump ahead, you may find that you haven’t yet learned the previous skill and that will make progress much more difficult. Some children, however, will move more quickly or more slowly than others. So how fast you work through the chapters is up to you and should be based on your child’s own personal circumstances. In the activities you will be encouraged to include several examples of the same task. If your child catches the idea of a particular activity after one or two examples, it is not necessary to complete the rest of the examples. If your child needs the extra practice to grasp the ideas, then complete all of the examples. For some children, you may need to spend two or three weeks on the same chapter and exercises and repeat them all. Don’t be afraid to try again—it is much better for your child to be a little bit bored than to not understand.
You will need to set aside time in your schedule to work on the program if you want to see your child managing anxiety. We recommend that you make a particular set time each week to be your “anxiety management session.” This does not mean that you only work on your child’s anxiety at that time—far from it—but this will be the main time that you read over the next chapter, talk with your child about the tasks and activities, and plan the next week’s exercises and practice. For example, you may decide that Sunday mornings after breakfast will be your anxiety management session time. Think of it like another season of dancing or football or piano. Every Sunday morning for a few months, you will sit down with your child to work on his or her anxiety management skills. You need to make sure this is possible. For example, plan your weekend activities around this time and make sure that the rest of your family are either part of the program or occupied somewhere else.
You will see three types of activities described in this book. First, in the main body of most chapters, you will find “Parent Activity” sections. Reading the chapter and doing the parent activities are tasks that you need to do before you sit down with your child, to prepare you for the anxiety management session. Most of the time these will be issues you need to think about or skills that you need to learn in order to help your child. Next, at the end of each chapter, you will find a set of “Children’s Activity” sections. These are the activities, exercises, and lessons that you need to go over with your child so that he or she can learn to manage anxiety, and these should be done during your weekly anxiety management session. Each child activity has some notes for you, the parent. These notes provide a short, simple description of what you need to explain to your child (based on what you have read in the chapter) and an example of a completed worksheet that uses the anxiety management skill. Your child will need blank copies of the worksheets so he or she can practice the skills during the week. You can make your own blank worksheets by using the completed examples in this book to guide you. Alternatively, you can download the Helping Your Anxious Child Workbook, offered free to users of this book on the Internet at www.ceh.mq.edu.au/hyac.html. In the downloadable workbook, each activity described at the end of the chapters is available for use with your child and contains child-friendly explanations of the relevant skill for you to read with your child and blank worksheets (based on those used in the examples within the chapter) that your child can complete with your help. Finally, at the very end of most chapters, you will find “Children’s Practice Task” sections. These practice tasks are the most important component. They describe exercises that your child will have to practice many times throughout the week in order to really learn the particular skill. These are the skills that your child will need to learn to manage anxiety, and so these practice tasks will need to be done many times, sometimes for several weeks, until your child gets really good at the particular skill. Worksheets for these tasks are also included in the downloadable workbook. The workbook is designed to save you time and to help you translate what you read into child-friendly language. It is, however, very easy to create your own worksheets by copying the examples provided in this book if you do not have access to the Internet.
A Few Things to Keep in Mind
The readings and activities should be completed over two to four months. Although it may be tempting to move through the entire program in the first week when you are feeling enthusiastic, it is better to work through it at a consistent pace. That way you won’t burn out before the program finishes, and it will help to create the habit of tackling anxious thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on an everyday basis.
The program will work better if both parents work through the readings and activities. One of the most important features of a successful program is being able to put the skills into practice in all parts of the child’s life, and this is much more likely if both parents know what to do. The same goes for any other adult who your child spends a significant amount of time with such as step-parents, grandparents, or nannies. If some of the anxiety occurs at school, then it might be helpful to meet with your child’s teacher and talk about what you are trying to achieve. But if some of the people in your child’s life are not interested in what you are doing, don’t give up. We have seen some spectacular successes, even in cases where one parent had no interest whatsoever in helping with the program. The program is also very successful in single-parent families.
Finally, don’t get discouraged by slow progress and setbacks. Keep in mind that your child has had many years to develop anxious ways of behaving and thinking; it will take more than a few weeks as well as a lot of persistence to change these patterns. Especially at times when you or your child are stressed—don’t give up; find an enjoyable activity to do and then, when things are a little calmer, come back and keep on working.
Seeing a Mental Health Professional
We mentioned earlier that this book is designed to provide parents with all the information they need to help their child overcome anxiety. That’s true. But we all know that knowing something and doing it properly are two different things. That is why we strongly recommend that you see a qualified mental health professional about your child’s anxiety if you possibly can. If you picked up this book from a bookstore or through the Internet and you have not seen a professional about your child, this is particularly important. A mental health professional will be able to properly assess your child and let you know whether this program is appropriate for him or her. A professional can also help you to apply the information in this book to the specific circumstances of your and your child’s lives. And a professional can help to keep you motivated at times when nothing seems to be working, or can help you adapt the program to get over those tough hurdles.
But if a professional gave you this book or told you to get it, then we are pretty confident it will help. Our scientific research with children who had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder tells us that when parents were given a copy of this program and told to help their own child, with no extra professional help, around one in five children were completely free of an anxiety diagnosis after going through the program, and many more made strong gains. When several short sessions with a therapist were added to help parents stay on the right track, over 60 percent of children who completed the program were diagnosis free.
Will Anxiety Go Away Completely?
Someone who has no anxiety at all would be in a lot of trouble! Anxiety is a normal emotion that helps us to perform to the best of our abilities and protects us in dangerous situations. The aim of this program is to bring anxiety down to manageable levels. We want children to manage anxiety so that they get the helpful effects, like revving up before a big game, without the bad effects, like avoiding situations that might otherwise be fun. As you will learn later, anxiety is also part of a person’s makeup or personality. This program will teach your child new ways of coping so that anxiety should no longer rule his or her life. But you will find that even after finishing the program, your child will probably always be a slightly more emotional or sensitive person than some other children you know, and that is not a bad thing.
Parent Activity: Getting Ready for the Program
Here are a few summary points to think about to get you ready to run this program with your child: