What does love have to do with anything? That’s what I want to ask him. But instead I will pose the question to you, in hopes that you will talk some sense into me.
On the way home from the restaurant, I pull over at a scenic overlook and stare at the ocean until my emotions are somewhat under control. But when I pull in front of the house, Jaxson is there and all that peace I’d found vanishes.
He opens my car door and holds his hand out to help me. I ignore it and step out of the car. Instead of backing up to give me space as a normal human being would, he stays perfectly still and I have nowhere to go but into his chest.
“Did you like your song?” he asks, moving my hair away from my eye.
“It’s been so long since I’ve heard you sing. You’ve…improved,” I tell him.
His face falls slightly and I step around him, feeling some satisfaction in not giving him the answer he wanted. It fades when he falls into step next to me, walking to the house.
“Did you meet the guys in Boston? Are they your band?” I ask.
“One is from here too, but yeah, we all met at Berklee. We’re going to see if we can get some work out here. Give it a shot.”
We move inside the house and I throw my keys on the kitchen counter.
“Good for you,” I say. “Well, I’m beat. Make yourself at home. I’m going to bed.”
“Wait…can we talk? Or just hear me out?”
I put my hand on my hip and look at the ceiling, exhaling a long rush of air. “Three minutes,” I say.
“That’s hardly anything!” he says.
I wave my hand. “Better hurry then.”
“Okay.”
His eyes narrow and he presses his lips together, the look he gets when he’s frustrated. I grin.
“The line in the song I wrote for you—‘I didn’t know what I had until you were gone’—it’s the truth. But now I live with that every day and I can’t stand it anymore. I need to at least have you as a friend, Bells. Please.” He holds his hands together and gives me pleading eyes.
I chew the inside of my cheek until it feels all rippley inside.
“I propose we go to the San Diego Zoo as a step in bringing our friendship back. What do you say?” he asks. When I don’t say anything right away, he adds, “Remember we signed on it…”
“That piece of paper became null and void when we went our separate ways. You’re gonna have to do better than that,” I tell him.
“No, it didn’t. It was just paused…until we could pick up where we left off. And now we have a responsibility to each other to keep the promises we made.” He grins and steps closer to me.
“No,” I reply.
He holds up a hand and drops it, stunned that I won’t cave in the way I always used to when he wanted me to agree to something. He crosses his arms and his eyes smile as he assesses me.
“You really think it’s as simple as you giving me your best charming smile and telling me what we’re going to do, and I’ll jump.” I shake my head. “You should know by now that those days are over.”
“When are you going to forgive me, Bells?”
I go still when I hear the tone of his voice. He sounds grave and all the lighthearted teasing that I’m used to hearing from him is stripped bare. I can’t look at him when he sounds this raw. I shake my head, willing the tears to stay down.
“I will regret losing you for the rest of my life,” he whispers.
I jump when his hand touches my shoulder.
“Please tell me there’s hope. That you’ll give me another chance. I was young and stupid. I’m still young and stupid, but I know that I can’t live without you in my life. In any way you’ll have me.” He leans closer, his breath wispy against my ear. “Please say you’ll at least think about it.”
A tear drops on my hand and I nod slowly, still not trusting myself to speak.
He leans his forehead against the back of my head for a moment and then backs away, clearing his throat. “Okay, I’ll see myself out.”
His steps are slow on the way out of the kitchen. When he’s near the back door, I turn and he looks at me at the same time, his eyes hopeful.
“Why now?” I ask. “You’ve been quiet for a while. Why is my friendship suddenly so important to you?”
“I’ve never given up hope that you’d come back to me. But I know I blew it. In every way.” He takes steps toward me and I back into the kitchen cabinet. He reaches me and takes my hand in his. My heart threatens to pound out of my chest. “It wasn’t until I saw the way you looked at me the other day at the party…I felt hopeful then that you still feel the same way I do.” He pulls my hand up to his lips and kisses my palm. “Do you still love me?”
I reluctantly tug my hand away from him, looking at my hand as if it’s betrayed me. My hand shakes and I quickly put it in my pocket.
“I’ll always love you. We grew up together. We were important to each other…once,” I tell him. “But that doesn’t really make a difference as far as I’m concerned. I’ve moved on. I finally learned about self-preservation, thanks to you.”
He looks so heartbreakingly sad that I almost feel bad for what I’ve said. But then his mouth tightens, and his jaw clenches. “How can you say it doesn’t make a difference? It’s everything. And that’s not the kind of love I meant and you know it…although it should count for something.” His voice cracks at the end of his words and I swallow hard, fighting the urge to wrap my arms around him and hold him the way my heart wants to.
That self-preservation kicks in and squelches the feelings, moving around him and opening the door. I wave my hand for him to walk through. “Why don’t you stop trying to tell me what I feel and worry about taking care of your own feelings.”
His Adam’s apple bobs twice and his eyes are glassy when he slowly walks to the door. When he reaches me, he stops and puts his hand on my cheek. “I should have told you then how much I loved you. How much I cared about your opinion of me. How I was going to work hard to win back your trust and prove that I was the person you knew me to be. I’ll always love you. I’m in love with you, Bells. That’s what I discovered in losing you…what I knew as a boy but somehow lost sight of for a while there…that you are the love of my life and you always will be. I’m sorry I’m too late,” he says softly. His hand drops and he walks out the door.
I stare after him, stunned. It takes everything in me to not run after him. He’s just said everything I’ve always longed to hear but that he never, not once in our lifetime of back and forth, has ever said.