Life is really hard sometimes, D.
Is it wrong that I don’t want to be an adult? I already feel like the oldest person in the room most of the time…like gnarly-grey-and-veiny old, not cool, I-know-the-wisdom-of-life old. What’s it going to be like when I really am the adult?
I don’t think my heart can take the sadness.
Our week in California was amazing. After we got over the initial adjustment of being around each other again, Jaxson and I got back to normal. We spent quite a bit of time with Jaxson’s friend Derek, who was almost as good-looking as Jaxson, and Heather, who I liked more than I had expected to. The time flew by and at the wedding, when I was crying over how beautiful everything was, I realized I never, ever wanted to go home. When my mum and I said our goodbyes at the airport, there were a lot of tears between us. Jaxson stood there stoically, but even he looked devastated.
“Please come back soon,” Anne said, clasping my mum’s hand.
Charles patted Anne’s back and passed each of us a tissue. I liked him. He didn’t talk much, but it was clear by the way he looked at Anne and Jaxson that he adored them.
Anne and Charles were waiting until we left to take their honeymoon but hadn’t acted like they minded whatsoever, despite my mother’s protests that they should go on their wedding night.
“Come back for Thanksgiving,” Charles added. “We’ll take care of everything. Just hurry back.”
My mum smiled, but we both knew it would be a long time before we’d be able to do this again. She couldn’t afford to miss work, and even though it had worked out for us to fly on Charles’ plane, we didn’t want to assume that would happen again.
“I’ll text you,” Jaxson promised. “Now that we both have phones,” he grinned at Charles, “it’ll be a lot easier.”
I still couldn’t believe Charles had given me a phone. “So you and Jaxson don’t have to wait so long to hear from one another,” he’d said when he handed me the box with a big red ribbon around it. He swore to my mother that it was an extra one he had, but I thought it looked brand new. I’d squealed and hugged him and he’d flushed bright red but looked very pleased.
I looked back at Jaxson until we had to round the corner and he waved each time. My steps felt heavier with every step away from him. I looked at Mum and tears were streaming down her face too. Afterward, I thought she must have known what we were going home to, but she didn’t say anything on the flight.
We took a cab home and even then I still thought everything was okay. The house was dark when we pulled into the driveway and I looked at Mum. She patted my arm and the driver helped us get the luggage to the door. The note from my dad was on the table in the entry. It fluttered slightly when we came in the door, calling my attention to it. I picked it up and Mum snatched it from my hand. She read it then crumpled it into a ball with her fist and walked numbly to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
Something was wrong, but I wasn’t sure what I could do about it. I knocked on my mother’s door and cracked it open. Her room was dark and she was in bed.
“I’m exhausted, Mirabelle. Go to bed. We’ll talk in the morning.”
I nodded. “It was a fun trip, wasn’t it?” I said softly.
I shut the door and dragged my suitcase to my room. All the excitement from the week faded into bleak loneliness.
Mum didn’t come out of her room until the next afternoon. I’d unpacked my suitcase by then and done laundry all day. I had to go back to school the next day and wanted to wear the new outfit I’d gotten in California.
“Mira?” she said, cracking my door open.
She looked like she hadn’t slept at all. The rings around her eyes were dark and puffy.
“Are you okay?” I asked, stepping toward her. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve made a decision,” she said. She smiled faintly and sat down on my bed.
“Okay.” She was making me nervous, but I smiled back at her and waited for her to come out with it.
“I didn’t tell you this because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but Charles offered me a job with his company while we were there. I can start as soon as we get back there if I want. How would you feel about moving to California?” she said it calmly, as if her words wouldn’t completely change my life.
My mouth hung open as I stared at her. I sat by her on the bed, taking her hand. “Are you serious? Yes! I love it there! When can we go?”
She swallowed hard and looked like she wanted to cry.
“Why aren’t you happy about it?” I asked quietly. “What about Dad?”
“Your dad will stay here and sell the house. We’ll let him worry about that. We only need our necessities—we can get new furniture out there. It was time for an update anyway,” she said. “He’ll meet us when he’s quit his job and has everything squared away here.”
“Okay.”
I couldn’t believe it. I looked around my room and besides my clothes and a few things I had collected with Jaxson, I didn’t have an attachment to my furniture. It wouldn’t take long to be ready, but I couldn’t believe we were really going.
“What was the note about?” I asked. “You seemed really upset.”
“I was upset Dad wasn’t here when we got home, but he’s going through a rough time. The move will be good for him. It’ll be good for us.” Her eyes were resolute as she nodded and smoothed her shirt. “Anne said Charles has already set up our flight. We’ll go day after tomorrow.”
“What? Day after tomorrow? Aren’t there…things we have to take care of here first? Not just the house, but…our whole life!” I stood up and turned around in my room, panicked. “I don’t have to take much, but seriously? Day after tomorrow?” I jumped up and down then went to pick up her hands and tried to get her to jump with me. “We’re moving to California?”
She stood up and laughed with me. When we stopped, she hugged me and began to cry.
“It’ll be good for us,” she repeated over and over.
So, just six months after Jaxson and Anne moved to California, there we were, following in their footsteps. I knew there was more to the story than what my mother would tell me. It was more than a job—I knew that. It was confirmed with the way Anne took Mum in her arms and held her as she wept.
“It’ll be okay. We’re here for you,” Anne whispered to my mother.
Jaxson looked more serious than usual when he said, “I’m glad you’re here, Bells.”
“Do you know what’s going on?” I whispered when I got the chance.
He shook his head. “I only overheard Mum saying she was angry with your dad.”
I sighed, wishing someone would clue me in.
We stayed with Jaxson while we searched for a place. Three days into our search, we found a cottage five minutes from Jaxson’s. It was tiny—but it was charming, and it had a view of the ocean that took my breath away. The best part about it was that we could move right in, and even though I loved staying with Jaxson, I hoped my dad would come sooner if we had our own place.
Our second week there, I started school. It was within walking distance and Jaxson met me out front, his grin split wide open.
“You ready?” he asked, falling into step with me. “You’ll love it here. Everyone is so friendly.”
I nodded. I wasn’t ready; I was extremely nervous. I lay awake the night before, my stomach churning with nerves.
“I wish I had some classes with you,” I told him. “Not the first time I’ve wished that though.” I’d always hated being a year behind him, but I shrugged like it didn’t matter and walked through the door he held for me.
“I have practice today,” he reminded me. “If you want to stay, I can walk home with you; otherwise, call me later to tell me how it went.” He saw a guy he knew and waved. He looked at me and shifted his bag into his other hand. “Smile. You look terrified.” He put his finger on my neck and made me look down then tweaked my nose, laughing as he walked away.
I groaned. I fell for it every time.
I walked into class after class where everyone already knew each other. Too occupied to pay attention to the new girl, they didn’t really notice me in the back until each teacher had me introduce myself. I got fleeting glances from a few people and a couple of girls introduced themselves, but by the end of the day, I wondered what Jaxson meant about everyone being so friendly.
I didn’t see him all day and decided to wait for him after school. He was on the football field and stood out, even in his uniform. They seemed to be having a break because Jaxson and Derek were surrounded by cheerleaders. I pulled out my package of Reese’s peanut butter cups and sat on the bleachers behind a group of kids, watching where I hoped he couldn’t see me. He seemed to be in his element with all the pretty people hanging on his every word. Heather was in the group. She stepped closer to Jaxson and touched his arm, laughing at something he said. Over his shoulder, she looked up in the bleachers and saw me sitting there. Maybe it was for my benefit or maybe I was imagining things, but she leaned up on her tiptoes and whispered something in his ear then gave his hair a tug. He was completely oblivious to the fact that I was even there, and who could blame him? He had a beautiful girl who had claimed him before I even got here.
I stuffed the entire peanut butter cup into my mouth and savored the way the salty and the sweet filled my mouth. In that moment, it was the only thing that made me feel the tiniest bit better.
My mom was in a funk. She said she loved her job and California; we even settled into our place quickly, excitedly furnishing it from the incredible flea markets and Goodwill stores we rummaged, but I heard her crying night after night when she thought I was sleeping.
It was even more evident something was wrong when my dad showed up a month later, suitcase in hand. Our house suddenly felt crowded. All this time I’d wished for him to hurry up and get here, and now that he was here, I was annoyed by everything he said.
“Why didn’t you pick something a little bigger?” Dad asked. “It’s like I turn around and you’re on top of me. I’m already suffocatin’ over the smog. Don’t need you takin’ my air in the house too. And it’s always day after bloody day of sunshine,” he went on. “None of these people have ever been through a hard winter, no wonder they’re so bloody cheery.”
This went on for a few weeks until my mother had enough. “You’ll be glad to come home to it if you get yourself a job and get out a bit,” she said, her face ruddy from anger.
My dad didn’t like hearing that and let her know it. I left when he started yelling about looking for a bloody fuckin’ job. I shut the door and then heard my mom say, “If you hate it so much here, you can always go back to Holmes Chapel…lord knows you can be the big fish in the pond there.”
When I got up the next morning, he was gone. For good.