Dear Diary, I have so much to say, but all I’ll say is: there is a first time for everything and that was quite the first.
You can read between the lines—you always do.
All my love,
Mira
By the time I was getting ready for bed, I’d decided as weird as it was, my first date still hadn’t been all that bad. Miles was sweet and cute. He wanted to go out with me again, so that was a good sign.
I pulled my nightie over my head and thought I heard something at my window. I smoothed my hair down and heard it again. Moving toward the window, I stopped to look out before lifting it up.
“Can I come up?” Jaxson stood under the tree, smiling.
“Uh, sure?” I hurriedly looked around for my robe to cover up more before remembering it was in the bathroom, and it was too late anyway—he was already at the window crawling in.
Something about the way he looked at me made me shiver and I rubbed my arms. He zeroed in on the middle of my tiny racerback nightie to the word bombshell that sparkled across my chest. I felt like I should pull it up because it was so low, but it was already so short that he’d see the scrap of lace to my thong if I pulled it up even an inch. I should’ve thrown on a shirt. A coat. Anything. He grinned like he could hear my racing thoughts and moved closer, rubbing my arms with me.
“You cold?” he asked.
I shook my head and he stopped rubbing my arms but kept his hands there, looking down at me.
“Today, when you said you’d lost two best friends—that hit me so hard. I know things have changed between us, which I hate…I hate the way things are between us, Bells. It might sound crazy to you since we haven’t talked in so long, but…I still think of you as my best friend. You’re the closest friend I’ve ever had and it might not seem that way since I have all these other friends too…and a girlfriend. I still wish you’d tell me if there’s more to why you’ve been mad at me, but—I’ve just thought we’d get back there eventually. Because it’s you and me, you know? You’re still the one I want to tell everything to, the one who knows me best of all.”
He paused, maybe waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t know what to say.
“We have the list we’ve committed to,” he added, smiling.
I rolled my eyes, laughing, while inside I wanted to cry. “The list is a moot point now, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely not!”
I thought he was joking, but when I looked at him again, his face was red and his eyes were intense. I’d hurt his feelings.
“I think you don’t know what you want,” I finally said. “You’re confused because I’m like, new and improved, I got attention today from a hot guy…and all of a sudden, you remember your good ol’ bestie.”
His jaw clenched. “I came to your window twenty-five times this summer. Yeah, I counted. Twenty-five. And the year before that, probably a hundred. I haven’t seen you making any effort to talk to me…in years. Well, except at that Christmas party you came to, which made me hopeful, but then this year, you were a no-show.” He lowered his head. “I knew you were grieving, so I didn’t hold it against you, but Mira, I’ve tried. I don’t know what else to do here.”
“I heard you talking to Heather about me at my birthday party a long time ago,” I said. “That Anne made you come, that you didn’t want to be my friend anymore, about my weight…all of it.”
The color left his face and he took a step back. “I didn’t say that.”
“You did. I heard it. You said it.”
“I’d told Heather you were acting so different here, different than you were at home, and she might’ve thought I didn’t want to be your friend, but that’s not how I ever felt.”
“Well, that’s how you let her think you were feeling, which is just as bad. You think I want to be some hanger-on that your mum forces you to be around? No, thank you.”
He put his hands on my cheeks and stepped closer. “I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me. I promise you I have never felt forced to be around you. I love you. You’re my family.”
Tears welled in my eyes. I knew he meant what he was saying, or at least thought he did, but hearing that I was his family felt about the way it had when I’d heard Heather say I was like his sister. A tear dripped on his hand and he wiped it away.
“Bells,” he leaned closer, “please tell me you’re hearing me.”
I nodded and his forehead softly bumped mine. We stayed suspended in that moment, staring at each other, not saying a word. But then the air shifted. His hand moved to my hair and he tugged on it, making the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. My heart thumped so loud I knew he could probably hear it.
I licked my lips, suddenly dry, and his eyes followed every move. He looked hungry and my eyes widened when he came closer, closing the gap between us. His lips were soft and full and better than I’d ever imagined, and I’d imagined them plenty. I wrapped my arms around his neck when he deepened the kiss and his hand gripped my waist, bringing me even closer. When my hands found his curls, I thought I’d truly gone to heaven. I couldn’t get close enough, even on my tiptoes. We kissed like we were starving.
He stopped long enough to grab my legs and wrap them around his waist, his hands landing on my bare backside. When his hands squeezed, we both moaned and the sound embarrassed me but made him kiss me harder. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a thought niggled and I pushed it away until finally, I had to catch a breath and that was when it all rushed back.
“Heather,” I whispered. “What about Heather?”
He was already moving forward to kiss me again but stopped when the question hit him. His eyes widened in alarm and he rubbed his lips together, setting me down carefully.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…do that—I mean, I wanted to…I really, really wanted to,” he stuttered. “Mira, that was—” he started.
“You should go,” I interrupted whatever he was about to say and moved away from him, walking to the window.
“The best kiss,” he finished.
I flushed and couldn’t look at him as he walked to the window.
“I can’t believe I kissed you,” he said. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to really kiss you, and damn…that…”
He couldn’t seem to stop talking and I just wanted him to leave. He was going to leave anyway and everything would be different again.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you when I have a girlfriend,” he said. “Mira, look at me.” He lifted my chin and I finally looked at him. “Did I just wreck everything even more?”
So many things crossed my mind to say. Your girlfriend has cheated on you with your best friend before, so maybe this is not so bad—oh, and she’s also a bitch. And yeah, you probably have wrecked everything because how am I going to be around you and not want to kiss you like that every time?
But instead, I squared my shoulders. “No, you didn’t. I’m fine.”
“Will we be fine?” he asked.
“Sure.” I nodded. “We’re Jaxson and Bells…we’ll be fine.”
That was the answer he wanted to hear. He beamed, pleased and happy and hopeful. He climbed out of the window and down the tree, waving when he reached the bottom.
I went to bed, a mass of confusion. My first date and my first kiss all on the same day and with two different people…
Jaxson and I kissed!
That was the theme of every thought I had overnight and while I got ready for school the next morning. I replayed the kiss and his reaction afterward. Maybe it was such a good kiss, he’d break up with Heather and want to be with me.
I made kissy lips in the mirror and then grimaced. I’d turned into an annoying girl overnight. One night of (phenomenal) kissing and I thought I was the shit. I grinned, remembering Jaxson saying it was the best kiss. I sighed and then saw the time and flew out the door.
I was jittery when I walked into school, and I wiped my sweaty palms on my bag. I saw Heather first, and she was holding Jaxson’s hand. My stomach fell, but I swallowed back the pain. It had been so stupid of me to think I could change anything between them. They were walking to their lockers and stopped to say hello to Miles on the way. I held back, trying to wait until they walked away before going to my locker.
I leaned against the wall and scrolled through Instagram. I have five minutes until the bell rings, I told myself. Deep breaths.
“Bells,” Jaxson called. “Hey, come here.”
I looked up and the three of them were looking at me expectantly. Another deep breath later, I walked to Miles’ locker.
“Why does he call you Bells?” Miles asked.
“Her name is Mirabelle,” Jaxson answered.
“But no one but my mum or his ever calls me that,” I said quickly.
“Mirabelle.” Heather laughed.
“I like it,” Miles said. “Bells is nice too.” He grinned.
Jaxson’s face darkened and he stared at me like he wanted me to correct Miles. I walked to my locker and looked back at Miles shyly. “Thanks.”
“There’s a party at my house this weekend,” Jaxson said. “I was just inviting Miles. You should come too.”
I was already shaking my head. “You know I’m not a party girl, Jaxson.” I looked pointedly at Heather then and said, “Your Christmas parties are about all I can take.”
She shuffled on her feet and I wondered if I saw a glimmer of fear in there. That would be a first.
“I know, but this weekend will be fun. We’re going to surf and then have a bonfire. Simple,” Jaxson added. “Come on.”
Miles walked over to me. “And I’ll be there this time—it’ll be fun,” he said.
I smiled at him. He really was so easy to look at.
“Come on, Jax, we need to get to class,” Heather said.
“One sec, I’ll meet you there,” Jaxson said.
“See you last period?” Miles asked over his shoulder.
“See you there,” I said.
Heather had walked a few feet away but stood waiting for Jaxson, watching as he moved closer to me.
“I’m going to make things right with you, Bells. Be the friend I should’ve been all along,” he said.
“You don’t owe me anything. Really. We cleared the air last night. Let’s leave it at that. We’re good.”
He glanced at my lips for a long moment and he flushed. He cleared his throat. “Right. Okay, I know. I don’t feel I owe you anything. I just want to be with you.”
I thought of all the times I’d wanted him to say those words, but even now, as he was saying them, it wasn’t how I wanted to hear them. But I’d try. I’d try not to think of him that way, once and for all. We were friends. Our lips were transcendental together, but that was beside the point. Friends.
“Fine, I’ll come to the party. Maybe Miles will bring me. I need to teach him how to surf.”
His mouth opened like he wanted to say something, but his jaw flexed and he nodded. “I’ll see you there.”