When you see that I’m on a downward spiral, could you at least have the decency to give me a heads-up? We’ve been friends a long time and I could use your help.
~M
I feel Maddie’s eyes on me during the brutal silence, but I stay focused on Jaxson. Winston rushes to me and dances around my feet, doing the spastic dance he reserves for me when I come into a room. Normally, it makes me laugh my head off, but tonight, I pet him quietly while still watching Jaxson.
“I shouldn’t have just shown up here,” he says finally. “I apologize. Winston does let me pet him a lot more when you’re not around, so that was…cool.” He leans his head back and looks at the ceiling. “I’m afraid I’m going to keep saying stupid things, so I’ll just get out of here.” He stands up and grabs his keys.
“Jaxson, wait. I’ll…walk you out.”
Winston trots happily beside us and stops every few seconds to sniff a leaf or the grass. I guide where I want him to go with the leash.
“You’ll never guess who’s back in California,” I say, clearing my throat. Why am I so nervous? I square my shoulders.
“Who?” he asks politely.
“Miles. He’s going to UCSD…”
He stops walking and turns to look at me. “Is that who you were with tonight?”
I nod. “We went to dinner.”
He starts walking again and nods…a lot of nodding. We reach his car and after he unlocks it, he turns to look at me. He holds his hand out for Winston’s leash and attaches it to his mirror, almost like he’s stalling.
“Are you trying to hurt me?” he asks.
“What? Why would you say that?” I step closer and put my hand on his arm.
“I was a real asshole in high school. I’d understand if you wanted a little payback if you’ve ever felt about me the way I feel about you…what goes around, comes around and all…”
My hand drops and I take a step back. “You think I’m trying to pay you back? I would never intentionally do that to you or Miles. And I would hope you weren’t trying to get back at me for something all that time in high school!” When he steps toward me, I hold my hands up and they land on his chest.
“You’re killing me, Mira. I thought you needed time. That I needed to build your trust…that I could show you how much I care about you and…eventually, you’d be with me. You’re not going to be, are you?”
“I told you I thought we should be friends,” I say, my voice cracking.
He puts his hands on my cheeks and stares into me, his eyes stormy. And then he closes the distance and kisses me. A tear falls down my face and he wipes it away with his fingertips, his tongue tracing my mouth before diving inside. I get lost in it, my heart thudding as he turns and presses me against the car. I groan as he grinds into me, kissing me like we will never get another chance. I pull on his waves, driving my tongue deeper into his mouth, while my body melts, like liquid seeping into the pavement.
When he drags his lips from mine, he kisses my forehead, and panting, says, “Look at me and tell me that’s all we are…friends. Tell me, and I’ll let it be.”
My stomach and hands and knees feel like they are shaking from the inside out. I move past him and lean over, putting my hands on my knees. When I’m steadier, I unwind Winston’s leash and don’t look at Jaxson as I take off running.
The next morning I drag myself to the wedding venue and meet Liesl out front.
“Geez, rough night?” she asks.
“Don’t ask,” I say, taking the coffee she holds out for me and lifting it in thanks.
“I just hope you have a steady hand,” she says with wide eyes.
“No alcohol contributed to this foulness,” I assure her.
We lug our things inside and fortunately I am too busy to dwell on the night before. Random screenshots still float across my mind, and I dismiss them repeatedly. As in, so many times that by the time we’re done for the day, I’m exhausted from trying not to think about it.
“Okay, what gives?” Liesl asks when we have everything packed up.
I lean against her car and sigh. “I kissed two guys last night.”
“Hussy!” She laughs and when I don’t, she rubs my arm. “Oh, honey, I’m teasing. What happened? You look miserable.”
“Jaxson and Miles.”
She looks confused. “But…didn’t you…? Weren’t they…?” she trails off.
“Yeah, high school.”
She’d heard bits and pieces about them back then.
“Well, do you want to be with one of them? Or do you not know, is that the problem?”
“I want to be friends with Jaxson and see where things go with Miles.”
“That sounds straightforward enough. So what’s the problem?”
“I’m afraid I’m never going to get over Jaxson.”
I put my face in my hands and weep.
“Well, there’s your answer—why aren’t you with him?” she asks, her hand on my back.
“I don’t trust that he’ll stay,” I whisper. “And if things don’t work out with him, I will lose him for good.”
As it turns out, things fall into place sooner than I expected. I see Miles in class on Monday. We go out on Tuesday and Friday, stealing kisses in the car and at the park. Another week goes by, and it’s fun with Miles…exciting even. I like him so much. He makes me happy without making me feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel confident and in control, which is liberating.
And I hear nothing from Jaxson.
Another few days go by and I come to the realization that I have probably lost him for good either way. It hurts…terribly…but I distract myself with a jillion other things so I don’t have to think about it so much.
And then…
I’ve been waiting for your answer and then realized that WAS your answer…when you left me standing there. Duh. Why haven’t you told me before how slow I am?
I see the dots showing he’s typing and wait.
Anyway. I am gearing up for another round of pursuing and/or only friendship and thought I better let you know I’m still here. Whatever we are, whenever, however, wherever, and all the other evers…that’s me…right there…evering.
There’s a brief pause and then ding.
It sounded better in my head than typed here, but hopefully, you get the point.
P.S. Can I see Winston soon? I know you have full custody, but I’d really like at least every other weekend…in some capacity.
I’m a mess, laughing and then crying…and laughing again.
Dave calls while I’m reading over the texts again and I answer right away. He never calls.
“Is everything okay?” I don’t even say hello.
“Yes!” he says. “Everything is fine. I wondered if you could come home this weekend. I need to talk to you about something.”
“Oh. Sure! I’ve been meaning to get home before now anyway. And I don’t have a wedding this weekend. I can come Friday night and spend the weekend. Does that work?”
“That will be great.”
“You’re not gonna give me any hints?”
“Nope,” he says.
“You’re being very strange, but I’ll see you Friday, I guess.”
I don’t give it too much thought and type before I can change my mind.
Me: I’ll be home this weekend. Hang out on Saturday?
I will live for Saturday.
Me: Such a flair for the dramatic.
Only where you’re concerned.
I call Miles and he picks up on the first ring.
“Hello!” He sounds so happy, I smile.
“Hi! Weird, we’ve never talked on the phone.”
“I know. It’s nice, though. You’ve got a sexy voice.”
“Ha. Yeah.” I laugh. “I wanted to let you know I need to change our plans for this weekend.”
“Oh, okay. Sure.” He sounds bummed. “That’s fine.”
“Dave asked me to come home to talk about something and then Saturday I’ll be seeing Jaxson. I need to see my mum too,” I add.
“Right. Okay.” He doesn’t sound quite as lighthearted anymore, and I hate that I’ve put that worry in his voice.
“I’ll see you tomorrow…and a rain check on our date,” I say.
When I see Miles on campus the next day, he’s subdued. Finally, I just confront it head-on.
“What’s up?” I ask.
His jaw clenches and he turns to me, a confused look on his face.
“I can’t help but wonder if I’m crazy to fall for you,” he says.
“You’re falling for me?” I ask, smiling.
“Can you not tell? I know we’re taking things slow here, but…yeah…I’ve always been crazy about you. I just…I want to say…” He takes my hand and runs his thumb along the top of it. “I’ve always regretted not fighting harder for you in high school. And when I hear you’re going to hang out with Jax, I can’t help but feel I’m right back there all over again.” He tugs me to him and smooths one of my curls back. “This time around is much, much better, now that I can do this anytime I want.” He kisses my face and I laugh. He puts his arms around my waist and I look up at him, getting nervous by his expression. “When I asked you about him before, you said he wants more and that it’s complicated. Does he know you’ve been hanging out with me?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…when you say you’re friends…are you friends with benefits?” he asks.
“We’re not having sex, if that’s what you’re asking…”
“Are you kissing friends?”
My face heats up and I remember the kiss. It makes my stomach turn over just thinking about it. “We’ve kissed, but it’s not a regular thing.”
“When was the last time?”
I pull away from him and stare at him, the blood pumping in my throat. “He was at my apartment when I got back from my first date with you. I didn’t know he was coming…he just showed up.”
“And you just happened to kiss him that same night that you kissed me…” He balls up his fists and turns his back to me. “God, Mira. I thought this was a dumb little tirade I was going on…but turns out it’s not. Were you ever going to tell me?”
“You and I weren’t exclusive and I think Jaxson knew he and I weren’t going to continue in that direction, so no, probably not. Should I have? I’m sorry.”
He turns around and looks so hurt. I feel like a horrible person. “Yeah, you should’ve. No—I don’t know. I think I’ve gotta take a step back. I like you so much. But I think you’re going to break my heart all over again.”
I hold my hand out to him and he takes it.
“I know I just said I should’ve fought harder, but…I don’t think I’m cut out to fight. I want someone to only want me.”
“It’s what you deserve,” I tell him. “You’re the perfect guy in every way.”
“I’m just not Jax.”
He walks off and I don’t try to stop him. At this point, I don’t need to be with anyone. I can’t keep hurting people.