If you had eyes, you’d think I look different, Dear D. I’m sure of it. I’m in a constant swoony state. It would be embarrassing if I weren’t so HAPPY.
I’d never been more grateful for my mum’s pushiness. I’d been on the pill for nearly a month and things had been steadily heating up between Jaxson and me. Understatement. I burned for him. We were together every day after his basketball practice and he snuck through my window almost every night. Our parents were usually home by six and that left a window of time when we had the house to ourselves.
Today we were at his house and to his credit, he had gone excruciatingly slow with me…I was ready for him to speed things up already…
We were on his bed and he leaned over me, the lower half of his body safely on the bed instead of where I wanted him. His head fell between my breasts and he inhaled, as if intoxicated. He kissed the narrow valley, his tongue flicking the edge of my breasts and I groaned, arching into his mouth.
“You’re killing every ounce of willpower I have left,” he whispered, and the air on the places he’d licked chilled.
“I’m tired of willpower,” I said, pulling him by the belt loops until he settled on top of me. My head fell back, eyes closed, as I enjoyed how delicious his weight felt on me. My hips lifted of their own will to find friction and I was momentarily satisfied when his breath caught and he pressed into me.
“Mira,” he warned.
“More,” I whispered.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
His hand reached out to rub my nipple over my shirt and I licked my lips, opening my eyes so I didn’t miss anything. My V-neck was low but not quite low enough. He moved my shirt to the side and bit his lip when he saw the bra I was wearing. A sheer lace demi bra with an underwire that propped me up to my best advantage—I’d bought it recently, in hopes that he’d see it.
“Mira,” he sighed reverently. “Is it okay to say out loud that your breasts are the most spectacular pieces of art I’ve ever seen?”
I giggled.
“Seriously though. God, Bells.” He leaned down and kissed each one and then shifted the material of my bra to the side, his gaze questioning to see if it was okay. When he saw what he wanted, he leaned down and sucked on one side and then the other until I was squirming beneath him.
I loved the feel of his skin on mine and wished our clothes were gone so I could feel the rest of him. Just when I thought I’d go crazy if I didn’t get more, he shifted slightly and lined up in the perfect spot on top of me.
“Mmm,” I moaned.
His arms were tense as he stayed still for a moment.
When he thrust into me, I didn’t care anymore that we were still fully clothed. My mouth fell open and I chased the feel of him until we were both panting hard.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
“You’re not.” I felt crazed. I would’ve done anything and everything right then, but he was determined to take his time.
He pulled away and unbuttoned the top of my jeans. Just enough to get his hand between my jeans and underwear. When his finger started circling over me, rubbing faster and faster in a spot that made me lose my mind—how did he do that?—my eyes rolled back in my head and I whimpered, my insides convulsing to his touch.
“Jaxson,” I whispered, my head rolling side to side.
“Does that feel good?”
“So…good,” I shuddered. “So good.”
He leaned down and kissed my eyelids and then my mouth, claiming my lips as his fingers stilled over me.
I felt like I was in a stupor, but I pulled away when he seemed to be slowing down. “I want to make you feel good,” I told him, reaching up to unbutton his pants.
“You do. I loved that,” he said. He put his hand on top of mine, stopping me.
“I’m on the pill, you know.”
His pupils dilated and he exhaled a ragged breath. “No, I didn’t, but good to know.” He grinned. “I thought I had semi-decent self-control. Watching you just now, I barely managed to keep it together,” he said, laughing. “But damn, you’re determined to kill me.” He kissed me, three pecks; his full lips like velvety pillows. He nestled back on top of me and I was immediately back in a frenzy. “I’ve only ever used a condom and Coach has us get tested regularly for a variety of things, not just ST—…well, anyway, I’m clean,” he said. “But there’s no need to rush…I’m not going anywhere.”
He closed his eyes, trying to stay still, but I felt every inch of him, hard and pulsing between us. I giggled and his eyes flew open. “Sorry. I just remembered overhearing your mum talk about how well-endowed you were as a baby. You were the talk of the hospital apparently.”
He groaned but then burrowed his head in my neck and we laughed our heads off.
“Well, what do you think? You believe her?” he asked, trying to catch his breath.
“I’ll have to see it to be sure,” I said, wiping my eyes.
“Hello?” Anne called.
The sound of her walking up the stairs launched us into fast forward; Jaxson jumped off of me, and I flew across the room, heart in overdrive. I picked up my backpack and grabbed a notebook.
“Hey! In here,” Jaxson said weakly, turning around in a circle and then reaching for a pillow to hide behind. He put a book on top of the pillow to look like he was studying.
I cackled in the corner and he glared at me just as his mother opened the door. She smiled at Jaxson and then saw me. She beamed and then her eyes narrowed on me and then back on Jaxson.
“Well…” she said, clearing her throat. “Good to see you both. Getting any homework done?” She bit the inside of her lip and looked like she was trying not to laugh.
“Oh…we’re coming along,” Jaxson said. He lifted his head and rolled his eyes. “I mean, you know…almost done. Getting there.”
“Very well,” she said. “Maybe you should work at the dining room table where you can spread everything out.” She gave a pointed look to Jaxson and he nodded.
“Sure.”
When she closed the door behind her, I leaned over, clutching my stomach. “You are so obvious! Coming along?” When I looked up at him, I started laughing again. He looked mortified.
“Me?” He pointed at me. “Take a look in the mirror.”
“What?” I stood up and made my way to the mirror. “No,” I said in horror.
He snorted and came to stand behind me, his arms circling around my waist. “Oh yes. Yes, yes, yes,” he mimicked the way I had sounded not even ten minutes ago and my cheeks heated.
I tried to smooth my hair down, but for not actually having had sex, I had the most perfect sex hair ever.
On Christmas Eve, or maybe actually the wee hours of Christmas, Jaxson sneaked into my bedroom and crawled into bed with me, as he did most nights. We’d been steadily skating around the boundaries he seemed to have set. We’d done a lot in my inexperienced opinion, but to my growing agitation, we were always clothed from the waist down. He still made me feel so good every time he touched me and I thought I made him feel good too, but I was losing my mind. Being with him was all I thought about. And the suspense of there still being more…I was ready. More than ready.
I hadn’t pushed it, but this time when he crawled into bed with me, I had a surprise for him. I was completely naked.
He stiffened when he wrapped his arms around me. My laugh tinkled in the room, sounding loud in the stillness.
“What is this?” He nestled his nose in my neck, and I felt his smile on my skin.
“Merry Christmas,” I whispered, turning to face him.
“Best Christmas present I’ve ever been given,” he whispered, his fingers sliding down my chest and getting distracted there.
“Thank you for giving me time,” I put my hands in his hair and kissed him, “but I don’t want to wait anymore.”
“Are you sure? I promise you I’m happy—”
I put my fingers to his lips and nodded. The night-light in my room was there for his sake so he could find his way to me in the dark each night. I was glad of the light now—there was just enough glow to see his smile and the contours of his body as he pulled the back of his shirt over his head. My hands roamed across his chest as he took his pants off and then pulled the covers back, letting the light shine across my body.
The way his eyes appraised my body emboldened me. He drank me in and I felt heated from the inside.
“If this is a dream, don’t wake me up,” he said. “You’re so beautiful…so perfect in every way.”
His eyes scanned me up and down one more time before he reached out and touched my bare skin; that alone made me lightheaded. I pulled his briefs down and finally put my hands on his velvety skin.
“Your mother was right.”
I heard his quick intake of breath and smiled.
“I don’t want to talk about my mother. Never. Just no. Not another word about her tonight.”
I giggled.
“I wish we didn’t have to be so quiet,” he whispered. “I want to hear every little sound you make…” He leaned down and kissed a trail down my stomach. “I want to make you scream my name…”
My entire body flushed with his words. He went lower and lower with his kisses, doing things with his tongue and his fingers that I’d never imagined, and I lit up like a never-ending sparkler.
By the time he lifted his head and crawled up my body, I was limp with pleasure. Sated. Nothing could be better than what he’d just given me. But he settled his body on top of mine and when I felt him between my legs, I woke up, every part of me coming back to life.
“I’m nervous,” he whispered.
“I’m not,” I told him. And it was the truth. I trusted him. I loved him. How many could say that about their first time?
He entered me slowly and I was still so wet from before that it felt tight, but a good kind of tight. When it got a little uncomfortable, he stayed still and whispered, “Kiss me.” He kissed me like he’d never kissed me before. I couldn’t stand to stay still another second. He kissed me until I thought our bodies melded into one and I could feel every thought and desire he had. The deeper our kiss went, the deeper he delved inside…until he was all the way in and this was really happening.
When he pulled back and dipped back in, sliding more easily in and out of me, he put his hands on my cheeks and looked into my eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you.”
Something changed with our words; a sudden urgency. He slipped his fingers between us, touching me, and I sank into bliss. He swallowed my sounds with his kiss and I did the same for him when he lost control seconds later. It was the most complete I’d ever felt.