Too many changes at one time usually make me itchy, but hopefully this time, I’m heading in the right direction...everything UP from here. Please, please, DD, God, the universe, Jesus, and all of the good angels, please make it so.
Christmas always makes me think of Tyra and Jaxson. I think he did that on purpose, forcing us to wait until Christmas to have sex for the first time so I’ll always think of him on this holiday. Fortunately, now Dave and Mum’s wedding will provide new memories too, with it being on Christmas Eve. Still, even as I stand here, proud of how beautiful everything looks and fully in the moment, Jaxson is always part of my thoughts.
I catch myself crying more than once during the ceremony. Jaxson’s eyes on me heat my skin, making me feel like I have nowhere to hide. An arch laden down with cream and red flowers surrounds the bride and groom and each row of chairs has a matching bouquet at the aisle. Mum is beaming and looks like a dream by the backdrop of flowers and her true love. I pull the tissue out of my bouquet and dab my eyes once more when I see how Dave looks at her.
And then it’s official. They kiss, we cheer, and after taking pictures until we’re antsy, we move into the reception area where the guests have already been celebrating.
Jaxson and his band have set up to play later and he’s placing his guitar on the stand when I walk in. He looks up as if he knows I’ve come into the room. He smiles and makes his way over to me.
“Just when I think you can’t get any more beautiful,” he says, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek.
My heart flutters with his words and the proximity of him, and I try not to sound breathy as I thank him.
“You were right,” he says, smiling. “Goddess dress.” He tilts his head and lets his eyes linger over my skin. “And you are filling it to goddess perfection.”
I flush and duck my head, biting the inside of my cheek. When I meet his eyes again, I whisper, “Thank you.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Still fine. Very few hives left.” I smile. “I’m excited to hear you guys play.”
“I’m only bummed I won’t get to dance with you,” he says.
“Ah…we’re doomed for dances, right?” I try to sound lighthearted, but the pain that flashes over his eyes makes me regret my words. No, I don’t regret it, I tell myself. I need to hold onto some of the residual anger from our past in order to follow through with my plan.
With it being my mum’s day, I didn’t even try to talk her out of Jaxson sitting at our table. Anne and Charles are there too, and Liesl and her girlfriend Sarah, so as we sit down, I’m hopeful that they can help be a distraction.
“You still haven’t told him?” Liesl says under her breath when she sits next to me.
I turn to see if he’s heard her, but he’s on the other side of me, taking a sip of the ice water.
“No,” I say firmly and give her my fiercest look.
Her brow lifts and she shakes her head. “I hope you know what you’re doing,” she mouths.
I try to enjoy my meal but just pick at it. My meal had to be prepared differently than everyone else’s and it’s bland. It’ll take time to adjust. Hopefully my new way of eating won’t be as daunting as it feels now. Jaxson is supposed to eat quickly so he can be onstage when Mum is ready to start the dancing. I look down and realize he’s eating the same thing I am.
“Why did you get this meal? The others look so much better,” I say.
He grins like he has a secret and tilts his head. “Maybe I was hoping for a kiss.”
I just stare at him and then shake my head. “Jaxson, you need to give this up. Okay? I’m just not there right now.”
“Does that mean you think you will be eventually?” He leans closer to me and I nearly sink into his neck and take a long sniff. He smells so good and I know his arms would wrap me up and hold me tight.
I turn away from him…into a safer proximity. “I think you should move on.”
“Why don’t I believe you?” he asks, his breath on my ear making me shiver.
“Jaxson, I believe it’s time for you to start playing,” Anne says.
We both look at her and she smiles apologetically.
“This conversation isn’t over,” he says, kissing my cheek and heading to the stage.
The band sings a mixture of covers and songs Jaxson has written. He’s in his element when he’s lost in the song, eyes closed; the emotion in his vocals is devastating in all the right ways. I can’t believe he’s so good.
I dance with Dave and Charles and then end up dancing near Liesl, Sarah, and Maddie the rest of the night. Gemma comes and dances with us when she’s not with her boyfriend. We laugh maniacally at Charles’ awful dance moves, and I watch Jaxson in all of the other moments, grateful that I get this time to stare at him without him noticing every embarrassing second.
When he sings the line: I can’t believe I let you walk away…I stop dancing and stare at him. His eyes are wide open now and he sings the next words to me.
I didn’t know you meant forever
We spent a lifetime chasing firefly dreams
Now it seems you have forgotten
Blue-eyed shadow
Black-haired beauty
Remember me
Come home
Liesl clutches my arm mid-chorus. “This song is about you, isn’t it?”
“Mm-hmm,” Maddie answers. “It sure is. And he is screwing you so hard in his mind right now,” she adds.
“Maddie!” I smack her arm and look around to make sure Gemma or Anne aren’t close enough to hear. Fortunately, they’re both across the room.
“Well, he is.” She laughs. “I think you should make it a reality tonight.” Her eyes widen and she flutters her eyelashes, while I groan. “Give him something to remember you by,” she says, her face falling. “There’s time, right?” She puts her head on my shoulder. “Are you sure about this?” she asks.
“I’m sure,” I tell her. I am. I think I am. I hope I am.
I stay for another hour, dancing until my feet hurt. Right before I go, during one of Jaxson’s epic guitar solos, I go up to the stage and yell, “This is what you need to be doing for the rest of your life, Jaxson Marshall!”
He looks surprised and then happier than I’ve ever seen him. The light radiates off of his face as he sings his heart out.
I back away, content.
I find Dave and Mum and hug them both at the same time.
“We’ll call you when we get to Hawaii. And you call us too, okay? We need to know you’re safe,” Mum says.
“I will. I’ll be safe,” I tell her. “Have the best time. Take tons of pictures.”
Dave kisses my cheek and steps back. “Love you, Mira. Thank you for making this such a special day for us.”
“You are worth it,” I say, grasping his hand.
Mum hugs me tighter then, her eyes filling. “I love you, Mira. I just want you to be okay. You’ll let me know, right?”
“I love you, and I’ll be okay. I promise.”
She nods and Dave hands her his handkerchief. She dabs her eyes and takes a shaky breath.
I look at Jaxson one more time and walk out into the crisp December air. An Uber is waiting for me.
“The airport, huh?” the driver says. “Where you headed?”
“Home.”