WEIRD IS THE NEW NORMAL

Now, come on, admit it. You started this book, thinking, WHAT A LOAD OF OLD CODSWALLOP, and now I bet you’d love to come to stay in The Nothing To See Here Hotel.

No one really knew what to do after we’d watched Grogbah vanish into the thorny jaws of Mrs V, so we all plodded back to the wrecked reception hall and waited for someone to come up with an idea.

Nancy brought everyone mugs of steaming stag beetle tea and we scuffed about in the dust and rubble, looking a bit bamboozled.

It was Granny who finally broke the silence.

‘Right! That’s enough!’ she barked. ‘CLEAR OFF!’

Well, you weren’t expecting her to say something nice, were you?

‘My bunions need their bed and I’m sick of looking at all your pukish faces . . .’

‘Right you are, Mrs Glump,’ Calamitus said, with a grin. ‘This old skrunt is ready to smell the salty sewer air again anyway.’

He shouted orders to his crew, and in no time the Squall Goblins were boarding their ship and conjuring up another magical wave to wash them back down to the water’s edge.

I couldn’t help but feel sad that the hero of my favourite books was leaving before I’d had time to get to know him. I watched as he clacked across the dusty tiles towards the Blistered Barnacle.

Captain Plank took hold of a rope hanging down from the deck above and, just when I thought he was about to climb up and leave, he turned his hollow skeleton eyes on me.

‘Abraham would’ve been splundishly proud of you, m’boy,’ he said, then beckoned me with a bony finger.

I walked over to the pirate captain with my heart pounding in my ears.

‘A small reward, methinks.’ Calamitus yanked a single diamond tooth out of his dentures and dropped it into my hand.

‘Keep it safe,’ he said and winked. Who knew skulls could do that!? ‘You never know when it’ll come in handy.’

With that, he swung up onto the deck, and the last thing I saw of the Squall Goblins was Tempestra and Calamitus waving from the stern of their ship.

And that was that . . .

Mum and Dad set to work with the enchanted mops and brooms, and the Molar Sisters made light work of repairing the walls and staircase with their wands.

Before I knew it, everyone was plodding off to bed, and it was almost as if Prince Grogbah had never visited at all.

Don’t forget what I told you right back at the start. There’s always some kind of MEGA DRAMA happening at The Nothing To See Here Hotel, so that was a pretty average day for most of us.

Storms, and messengers, and ravens, and parties, and exploding boulders, and parades, and skinny-dipping, and plagues of hermit crabs, and criminals, and diamonds, and pirates, and heroes, and skeletons, and curses, and battles, and fireballs, and the odd person getting gobbled up are all just regular stuff for the Banister family.

Here where weird is the new normal . . .

Still fancy coming to stay?