As a professional writer, I can tell you that it’s absurd to expect anyone to compose a summary of their loved one’s life immediately after the death. Most people get anxious about writing an important email, never mind a printed piece for all eternity. Even if you publish the death notice only online (where the majority of them go these days), it feels colossally important to get it right. The same goes for a eulogy. How do you boil the ocean of a life down to a few salty anecdotes?
There are rules and guidelines that will make the writing easier. It may even be a relief to take a few quiet hours to sit alone and write. And if you’re still too raw and can’t even start without soaking the paper (or keyboard) with tears, think about delegating the task to someone you trust to get it done.
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FAST FACT
In large-circulation, nationally syndicated papers such as the New York Times, you have to be a person of public interest to warrant an obituary—a celebrity, business titan, major athlete, politician, famous artist, scientist, inventor, pioneer, or other local hero. It’s usually a judgment call on the part of the editors.
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A DEATH NOTICE IS A PRINTED ANNOUNCEMENT that a person has died. It is typically written by the family and published for a fee. It may be quite short and more of an announcement of when and where a funeral will take place.
An obituary provides more biographical information about the deceased and is written by a reporter and published for free.
The two classifications—death notices and obituaries—are used interchangeably online, but the professional obituary writers and editors we spoke to were clear about the distinction.
If the city where your loved one spent the bulk of her life still has a local paper, it may assign a reporter to interview you and publish it for free—or it may not.
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THERE’S NO REQUIREMENT TO PUBLISH a death notice, but if you want to inform the greater community and let them know when and where the funeral will occur, it has to be done quickly.
When you go to a paper’s website, search for “obituaries,” and you’ll find an email or phone contact. You may also discover that the paper has outsourced the process of submitting paid notices to Legacy.com, a site that also posts advertising for funeral homes and news stories about death and grieving. Posting directly to the site will require that you complete an online form and upload a photo or photos.
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TIP
Most funeral homes will write and publish a death notice for you. But don’t assume they will get it right.
Newspapers have good archives, both online and in public libraries, where future generations will be able to learn about the deceased and how they fit into their genealogy. A printed death notice can become a family keepsake, something to frame or put into an album. On the other hand, online death notices are cheaper and easily shared, and they run the day after you submit them.
Follow the pointers in this chapter so the announcement is accurate and doesn’t end up sounding like a Mad Lib.
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“GOOD” IN THIS CONTEXT MEANS THE OBITUARY REFLECTS THE person and their relationships, and helps readers imagine them. We spoke to Kay Powell, who edited the Obituaries section of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution for many years. Powell placed a sign on her desk that she had gotten from Richard Pearson, the obituary editor at the Washington Post, to remind her of the responsibility of her role. It read: “God is my Assignment Editor.” Here are Powell’s recommendations for writing a good death notice/obit:
• Include the following biographical details: Your loved one’s age; the cause, date, and location of death; date and place of birth; parents’ and partner’s and children/grandchildren’s names as well as immediate family who are deceased; where the person went to school; his or her job; hobbies; any beloved pets; location, date, and time of funeral services; where memorial donations should go or an “in lieu of” statement (see below).
• Be honest. Whitewashing a person’s life not only misrepresents who he or she was, it makes him or her less relatable. Did your mother have bipolar disorder? When a characteristic or issue is written or spoken about in a compassionate way, people are more likely to accept the deceased for who he or she was and also to have more empathy for those left behind.
• Use humor. Powell edited an obit for a man who priced groceries for a living. She originally thought the obit was going to be about his job, but after a little digging with the family the obit writer found out he had collected and raised skunks for show on the side. His animals were award winners, and he’d even had a picture of his favorite skunk airbrushed onto his motorcycle. “Everybody’s got one good story in them,” Powell said. “That’s what I want families to capture when they’re writing their own death notices; those little things that just made you laugh.”
• Include surprising details. Readers want to feel as though they’re learning who the person truly was. Bring her back to life through her charms and distinguishing quirks: “If her husband dozed off early, she handed out washable markers for her children to decorate him with.”
• Include all survivors. It’s a good idea to include all immediate family members, even if they’ve been disowned or come from a former marriage. “When I was at the paper,” said Powell, “I would get questions like ‘She’s the black sheep, should we name her?’ or ‘He was disinherited, should we name him?’ Yes, you should,” is the answer. A few other notes: People are not “survived by” divorced spouses; and an expected child should not be named as a survivor—what if that child is never born? But there are ways of wording anything, Powell says, such as “He was looking forward to the birth of his fifth grandchild in June.”
• If you’d like to suggest something to give in lieu of flowers, say so and be specific. For example: “In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to X organization at X mailing address [or X website].” The best “in lieu of flowers” notes capture something quintessential about the person. Doug Kulikowski’s “in lieu of flowers” was “Buy a lottery ticket. You might be lucky.” Eula King’s “in lieu of” asked friends to stop by her house and take hostas, daylilies, camellias, and other plants from her garden to plant in their own yards. Bud Strayer’s “in lieu of”: “He would want you to mix yourself a Manhattan and make a toast in celebration of his life.”
• Get feedback. One set of siblings, a sister and brother whose father had Alzheimer’s, had fought bitterly over his care. When the father died, the brother, who was a writer, took on the task of composing the notice. He quoted himself throughout, sharing whimsical comments about his father, and made only brief mention of his sister. She saw it for the first time when it was published, and it drove the wedge in further. They were orphans now and suffering separately. Make sure to consult with family, including those with whom you don’t get along or even have a relationship (such as estranged children).
• Use language you’re comfortable with. Though professional obituary writers avoid euphemisms such as “went home,” “entered eternal rest,” or “is with the angels,” what you write should feel appropriate for both you and the deceased. For some, writing flat out “He died,” though true, just feels wrong.
There are going to be situations where the cause of death may feel harder to talk about, such as suicide or a drug overdose. The family will likely have strong feelings about how they want to handle sensitive personal matters, but there are many examples of notices that are candid without diminishing the person’s strengths. Here’s one in which the family honored both the accomplishments of the man and also, in a straightforward way, his lifelong struggle with substance abuse:
Marc was a kind and gentle man whom God gifted with a tremendous intellect. He was definitely a character and those who knew him liked and loved him. He will be sorely missed by his family and friends. Marc used his gift of intelligence to graduate with the highest overall average in the 140 year history of Emory University in Atlanta and then became a senior partner of the law firm Kilpatrick & Cody (now Kilpatrick Stockton) where they put him in charge of their international legal practice. Marc was very generous, had a great sense of humor and a quick wit. He loved his dogs, reading, music and playing his guitar. He was an excellent swimmer and at age 8 won second in state for the 100 yard breaststroke in South Bend, IN. Marc won numerous swimming trophies and watching him swim the butterfly was a thing of beauty. He made it look so easy. While Marc experienced a great deal of material success at an early age, he struggled with addictions to drugs and alcohol all his life and was unable to overcome them. In March 2001, he suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and spent the last eleven years of his life in various nursing homes in Georgia. . . . In lieu of flowers we ask that you donate money to or do community service for charities that help alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people. Marc will be cremated and a celebration of his life will be held sometime in 2013.
—The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
December 23, 2012
Another complicating factor is when the family doesn’t approve of the sexual orientation of the person who died. For one lesbian woman the family ran two different obituaries, side by side, and you would have thought it was for two different people. Her father, who had never accepted that she was gay, ran a glamour shot of her when she was young and portrayed her as the person he wanted to remember. Her mother and her partner used a contemporary photo and included the information that she was survived by her partner—probably the same pattern of family behavior the woman had experienced all her life.
To truly honor who the person was in life, honesty is the rule. Powell once had to write the obituary for a lawyer who had made a fortune representing nude dance clubs. His wife went berserk when she read it and called the paper. Powell defended the choice to her editor. Everyone knew about it, and it would’ve been a glaring omission if it hadn’t been included.
Are you memorializing someone who loved to laugh? Funny obituaries can be great reads. Just know that it’s not easy to get the tone just right, and if you don’t, it could get awkward. That said, wit and humor might be the perfect reflection of the person’s spirit. Take this obit for Toni Larroux:
Waffle House lost a loyal customer on April 30, 2013. Antonia W. “Toni” Larroux died after a battle with multiple illnesses: lupus, rickets, scurvy, kidney disease and feline leukemia. She had previously conquered polio as a child contributing to her unusually petite ankles and the nickname “polio legs” given to her by her ex-husband, Jean F. Larroux, Jr. It should not be difficult to imagine the multiple reasons for their divorce 35+ years ago. Two children resulted from that marriage: Hayden Hoffman and Jean F. Larroux, III. Due to multiple, anonymous Mother’s Day cards which arrived each May, the children suspect there were other siblings but that has never been verified.
She is survived by the two confirmed, aforementioned children. Her favorite child, Jean III, eloped in college and married Kim Fulford who dearly loved Toni. They gave Toni three grandchildren: Jean IV, Ann Elizabeth and Hannah Grace. Toni often remarked that her son, Jean III, was “just like his father,” her ex-husband, Jean Jr., a statement that haunts her son to this day. . . . Her favorite activity was sipping hot tea on her back porch with friends seated around her porch ensemble from Dollar General (again, not kidding). This will be sold to the highest bidder at her garage “estate” sale. Any gifts in her honor should be made to the Hancock County Library Foundation (to the overdue book fund).
It’s fine to include career highlights, but no one wants to read a dead person’s résumé—it’s not as though we’re looking to hire the guy.
Publishing an obituary is not cheap. At present time, the cost runs between $200 and $5,000, depending on length, number of photos, and type of publication.
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A EULOGY IS A SPEECH delivered at a memorial or funeral service by a family member, friend, or clergyperson that commemorates the life of the deceased.
When you leave a memorial or funeral having imagined the fullness of the person being memorialized, you know the speakers got it right. The first rule for eulogists is that this is not about them. It is about paying close attention to the way a person lived and drawing out the most meaningful, memorable bits. Most of the rules for writing a good obituary hold true here, too. You may wish to have a diverse set of speakers, as each one will add new color to the portrait that is being drawn. If you were asked to eulogize and are not a direct member of the family, know that it is a great honor. Steve Schafer, a pastor who helps people write eulogies, suggests the following guidelines:
• Aim for 1,000 words, or six to seven minutes’ speaking time
• Start with a story about the person. People come alive through specific anecdotes
• Always write down what you’re going to say, even if you plan to abandon your notes. It’s a good way to gather your thoughts and make sure you’re not missing any important details
• If you aren’t introduced by the emcee, do so yourself and say what your relationship to the person was
• Be humorous. The best eulogies are respectful and solemn but also give mourners some comic relief. A bit of roasting is fine if it suits who the person was and the family has a sense of humor
• Be personal and conversational. This isn’t a formal speech; it’s an appreciation
• Close with a direct address to the person who died. Something like “Joe, thank you for teaching me how to be a good father.”
Here’s an example of a great eulogy, written by a woman for her grandmother. We’ve explained what she’s done in each section:
[Starting with your memories of the person is a great way to go. Try to use descriptive details—the Almond Joy moment below—rather than abstractions such as “She was kind,” or “She was a loving caretaker.”]
From my earliest memories, she is right by my side, taking me on walks through the miniature golf course near our house, dutifully preparing my odd lunch requests for cheddar and mayo sandwiches, and sneaking me Almond Joy candy bars away from the dutiful gaze of my mom.
[Draw out important moments that signify lifelong connection.]
I was so close to my grandma that around the age of 23 I grew increasingly anxious that she might not live to attend my wedding unless I hurried up. Well . . . she did live to attend that wedding, and also to witness my first divorce, my second marriage, and to know and love my two children. She liked Jeff from the beginning and one day before we were engaged, she boldly told him, “Well, you better put a ring on it!” quoting Beyoncé without knowing the reference.
[Talk about advice passed down; values, sayings, and anecdotes that capture the person.]
The most remarkable quality about my grandma as she aged was her gratitude and humility. She often told me to live for myself and not worry about her—to work, focus on my family, and come visit when I had time. She loved every minute of our visits but never pushed for more. I once asked her if I should have a third child and she replied, “Why, honey? You already have the perfect family.” The most important things to my grandma were family and faith; she didn’t care for material possessions. In fact she was known for giving items away because “there was someone who was more in need.” This selflessness and service for others leave a legacy that I will try to model for my children. Time with her family was the greatest gift and even with that, she was not greedy.
[Thank-yous to other family members who helped with caretaking.]
I am deeply thankful to our family who cared for, loved her, and relished spending time with my grammie as she aged. Knowing she had Adie to take her to church and lunch every Sunday punctuated her week with a joyful event she truly looked forward to. Dave and Aileen always arrived with a box of her favorites See’s Candies, essentially confirming the Pavlovian model as she began to drool as soon as they walked in the door. And to my mom, who cared for my grandma for the last 10 years of her life with compassion and unrivaled duty. I thank her not only for giving back to her mom, but for modeling care and respect for our elders.
Close with a quote, poem, reading, or other good-bye of your choosing.
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THERE’S NOTHING MORE CRINGEWORTHY THAN a clergyperson reciting a Hallmark eulogy full of bromides that bears no relationship to the person you knew. In some cases, the priest may know only what the family tells him, and that exchange of information often happens thirty minutes before the funeral begins.
As a pastor who wrote eulogies for funeral services well before he struck out as a professional eulogy writer, even Steve Schafer has made this mistake. “I did one for a sweet elderly man who’d been a member of my church, and afterward his wife’s comment was ‘Who are you talking about?’ ” he says. “You need to paint them as they are, not as you idolize them.” If there’s time, ask the officiant to share what they’re going to say with you, and help them make it right.