Unforgettable turn-ons are windows
into your erotic mind.
One of the most effective and enjoyable ways to unlock the mysteries of the eros is to reminisce about your most compelling turn-ons. During these moments of high arousal the crucial elements—your partner, the setting, perhaps a tantalizing twist of luck—all mesh like instruments of an orchestra, producing a crescendo of passion. Look closely at a peak turn-on and you’ll undoubtedly sense that something close to the core of your being has been touched. And because everything is accentuated during such moments, they reveal an enormous amount about how your eroticism works.
As a young psychology student in the 1960s I was influenced by Abraham Maslow, who called for a “psychology of health” to counterbalance the overemphasis on problems that he believed was distorting our view of human beings. He broke new ground by studying people he called “self-actualizers”—those who are comfortable with themselves, relatively free of neurotic conflicts from the past, and available to tackle the challenges of living with creativity and zest. Self-actualizers are still largely ignored by psychologists, even though they have much to teach us about emotional well-being.
Maslow was equally intrigued by a wide variety of peak experiences—such as being enraptured by a beautiful piece of music or a painting, a special communion with nature, or the joy of bodily expression in dance or athletics, to name just a few.1 During these moments of ecstasy we are fully present in the moment, unselfconsciously expressing our truest selves with ease and grace, grateful to be alive. Even though peak experiences aren’t “productive” in the usual sense, participants invariably describe them as profoundly positive and sometimes even life-changing.
According to Maslow, self-actualizers have peak experiences more frequently than the rest of us, but nearly everyone has them occasionally. Among his most provocative observations was that during and following peak experiences we temporarily take on many of the characteristics of self-actualizers. In other words, peaks offer us glimpses of our most authentic, healthiest selves and thus can serve us as guides to growth. Maslow saw peak experiences as crucial sources of “clean and uncontaminated data” about who we are and might become.2
When I began my formal studies of eroticism as a practicing psychotherapist I approached the challenge with Maslow’s insights in mind. I was convinced that if I devoted as much attention to peak sexual experiences as I did to problems, I could eventually discern truths about eroticism that would otherwise elude me. My first discovery was rather discouraging: even in the nonjudgmental atmosphere of therapy people rarely bring up their peak turn-ons spontaneously. And when I started asking I quickly learned that most clients required a high comfort level and a significant amount of courage before they were willing to disclose details about this extremely intimate material.
I began encouraging clients who were grappling with sexual problems to explore their peak turn-ons, hoping the potential benefits of doing so would be obvious to them. In most cases I was wrong. The majority had trouble grasping the value of discussing their peak experiences; they just wanted to fix their problems. A prevalent comment was, “Sure I’ve had good sex in the past but what can that do for me now?” Out of necessity I became adept at gently challenging clients to set aside their preoccupation with problems for a while so they might learn more about their eroticism.
I quickly saw that those who accepted my challenge typically made more rapid and long-lasting progress than those who insisted on focusing exclusively on their troubles. Some improvements came about when they used their peak turn-ons to help clarify their conditions for satisfying sex—an extremely important ingredient for successful sex therapy.
Fred: Centerfold syndrome?
Fred consulted me because his sexual desire for Janette, his wife of six years, had been declining for more than a year. Although he assumed she must have noticed the reduction in both the frequency of sex and his enthusiasm, Fred had no idea how to discuss his predicament with Janette without hurting her. Besides, he felt ashamed of himself and was convinced she couldn’t possibly understand what he was going through.
“I think I have the centerfold syndrome,” he announced about halfway through our first meeting. He explained that as a young adolescent he had masturbated to photos in his dad’s Playboy magazines. More than twenty years later the majority of his fantasies were still populated by young women with picture-perfect bodies. “My wife still looks great,” he added, “but she’s no centerfold. I know it sounds horrible to say but I can’t help noticing her body changing. I love her too much to tell her the truth.”
Clients, especially introspective ones like Fred, often enter therapy with theories about the origins of their problems. Fred was the first, however, to have invented and named a new diagnosis! Yet many other men—and more than a few women too—had hinted that constant images of sexual perfection in the mass media sometimes reduced the allure of their actual partners. Obviously, Fred had named a very real problem.
However, as Fred talked about his sex history and his relationship with Janette, I sensed that his declining desire had less to do with flawless centerfolds than he believed. To help him find out for himself I suggested that he think about his peak turn-ons. After overcoming his initial hesitation he told me about a series of memorable encounters with a young waitress and aspiring model with whom he had an affair when he was in the military. His obvious pleasure in telling these stories soon turned to discouragement because they seemed to confirm his theory. I suggested that before jumping to conclusions he consider other factors that also might have turned him on besides her gorgeous body.
As he revealed the details of these remarkably passionate encounters it became clear that in each instance his excitement reached its zenith when the waitress unambiguously demonstrated her attraction for him by “losing control” and “going after what she wanted.” Certainly her appearance stimulated his desire, but it was her escalating enthusiasm that transformed simple desire into fiery passion. Fred discovered that when he fantasized about a centerfoldlike woman the visual enjoyment of her perfect body was merely a starting point. As his arousal built he imagined her casting caution to the wind and “going crazy with lust.”
Then I asked about peak encounters with his wife, of which their had been many, even some during the previous year. Because he had already recognized how much he valued a highly responsive and eager partner he quickly saw that in every peak encounter with Janette, she too had been unusually expressive and uninhibited. Fred also stumbled on another important fact: whenever Janette exhibited the impassioned fervor that excited him, he automatically perceived her differently; he completely ignored her imperfections and focused instead on her most appealing attributes.
As it turned out, Fred’s declining desire was influenced—but not caused—by his fascination with centerfolds. Much more important than Janette’s changing body was the fact that she had become increasingly passive in recent years, to the point where Fred was no longer sure if she particularly enjoyed sex with him anymore. Luckily, the two of them had always talked openly about most things, although it had been years since they had discussed sex. Spurred on by a deeper understanding of his eroticism and a reduction of his guilt, Fred initiated an extremely productive dialogue with Janette.
Once she felt assured that his intention was not to criticize her but to improve their sex life, she acknowledged her increasing passivity in bed. She explained how Fred’s tendency to be sexually aggressive had led her to conclude that he preferred her to be submissive. She was just trying to give him what she assumed he wanted. She also divulged that her passivity was making sex less interesting for her too. As she grasped how much Fred missed feeling her unbridled desire, she gradually felt freer to let her excitement show. And in response, Fred’s passions once again began to stir.
Fred might have found a solution to his problem without examining his peak turn-ons. And, of course, this couple’s ability to communicate so productively and become sexually experimental—skills that many sex therapy clients lack—were essential to their success. But by freeing him from the discouraging and mistaken belief that only physical perfection could excite him, Fred’s memories of peak sex greatly accelerated his progress.
As I saw the benefits of investigating peak turn-ons in dozens of sex therapy cases, including ones much more difficult than Fred’s, I wondered if similar memories might also help with problems not directly linked to sex. Soon I had an intriguing opportunity to find out.
Sabrina: Rediscovering vitality
After she had struggled with “blue moods” for several years, Sabrina’s depression was getting worse. “Nothing matters that much anymore,” she lamented. “I’m lonely most of the time. I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I feel ugly. And I’m not even sure my husband loves me.” With that she burst into tears. It was easy to see she was suffering from a “love depression” based on the belief—shared by all the women in her family—that men are incapable of loving women, and therefore she was doomed to a life of dissatisfaction. Speaking of her husband, Ted, she complained, “If he’s not working, he’s puttering in the damn garden. He hardly ever notices me, let alone holds or kisses me.”
She was surprised when I asked if she could remember any especially fulfilling sexual encounters with Ted. Even though she couldn’t see how my question was relevant to her depression, she halfheartedly agreed to consider it during the week. At the beginning of our next session she pulled a crumpled piece of paper from her purse. After an awkward silence, followed by a deep sigh and then a slight smile (the first I had seen), she read a story complete with spontaneous commentary:
Like most people who have been married nineteen years, Ted and I have a lot of routines, including making love on Saturday mornings before starting our chores. This tends to be rather mechanical and obligatory. One Saturday—I think it was about three or four years ago—I woke up late and Ted was already out in the garden. I opened the drapes to a glorious morning. There was Ted in his overalls, digging in the dirt, whistling. Instead of feeling hurt that he was ignoring me, I thought how cute he looked and how happy I felt. Even then that was pretty rare because I was often pissed off with Ted for not showing me enough affection.
It’s so silly what happened over the next several hours. [She made me promise not to laugh.] We were both so different. I joined him in the yard and we instantly began flirting. He made sexy comments under his breath. I remember one: “I’d like to rub my face in that bush over there,” motioning toward me. I tried a few innuendoes myself, nutty stuff like, “Is that a trowel in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
He made me feel so free and sexy that I unbuttoned my shirt. When he saw my breasts he instantly dropped what he was doing and began licking my nipples and smearing dirt all over me. I can’t explain why this didn’t bother me because I’m such a cleanliness fanatic. Before long we were both stark naked, fighting over who would pull each weed, sometimes rolling on top of each other, laughing our heads off, and being totally outrageous. The sun was hot so I grabbed the hose and sprayed him down. Soon we were both drenched and making love on the lawn.
The most exciting part was when Ted gazed into my eyes and said with so much feeling I was absolutely overwhelmed, “I love you more than anyone in the whole world.”
“I have no idea what got into him,” Sabrina added, “but I sure wish Ted would be like that more often!”
“And what about you?” I asked. “What if you were like that more often?” Sabrina didn’t care for that question one bit, which she demonstrated by wiping the radiant smile off her face and stuffing her joyous tale back into her purse. She remained mostly silent for the rest of the session.
Depression makes one feel dull, lifeless, and helpless. In stark contrast, peak eroticism always fosters energy and vitality. Sabrina’s lively story couldn’t have been more out of step with her chronic blue moods, and I sensed she was struggling with that contradiction. I was pleasantly surprised when she brought up her story again the following week. “You think I had something to do with Ted and I acting so differently that day, don’t you?” The conviction in her voice told me she knew she had.
Over many weeks Sabrina catalogued how she had somehow set aside her usual ways of thinking, feeling, and acting during that peak experience. She interpreted Ted’s working in the garden as endearing rather than a sign of rejection. She allowed herself to be moved by the beautiful morning. She actively participated in creating a playful atmosphere. And most important of all, she seized the opportunity to become vibrantly erotic. Gradually, Sabrina embraced her peak experience as evidence of what could happen if she stopped clinging to her lonely fate and recognized her abilities to make things different. She read the story to Ted and taped it to her bedroom mirror as a reminder.
Anyone who’s ever been seriously depressed knows how difficult it is to move beyond feelings of helplessness. Sabrina’s situation was complicated by the fact that she had selected a husband who matched her expectations; he often was emotionally distant and uncomfortable with closeness. Yet as Sabrina slowly reconnected with her vitality she became more approachable—and a lot more fun to be with. Sometimes Ted responded positively, and she would practice taking in his affection without critiquing it. When he was preoccupied and unavailable she learned to separate her mood from Ted’s personality quirks. Sabrina saw welcome improvements in their marriage and sex life, although neither was perfect. She did, however, cultivate a more active stance in her world, which made her far less despairing.
Fred used his peak turn-ons to discover new information about his eroticism, whereas Sabrina used hers as inspiration. I have found these to be the two most common therapeutic benefits of exploring peak eroticism. But anyone who takes the time to examine the nuances of peak turn-ons will gain valuable insights into how the erotic mind creatively expresses our innermost needs and potentials. This knowledge, however, doesn’t necessarily come easily.
The more deeply we explore, the more we see that peak turn-ons are not only very similar to other peak experiences, they’re also different. Whereas most peak experiences contain little to be embarrassed about, in peak sex the erotic impulse frequently strays far from our ideals. In the realm of eros all the contradictions and paradoxes of the human drama are played out. One way or another, erotic peaks always reveal secrets about our idiosyncracies, conflicts, and unresolved emotional wounds. More often than not, people fear that if their innermost experiences of arousal are revealed they will be pronounced abnormal. No wonder we discuss such matters, if we do so at all, only when we feel safe and are absolutely certain that we won’t be judged or ridiculed—by others or ourselves.
In the mid-1980s I realized that even though I was learning an incredible amount about the erotic mind in my therapeutic work, my studies were being hampered. For one thing, relatively few clients were as open about their eroticism as Fred and Sabrina. In addition, most clients who did explore their peak experiences were impatient to get back to the problems that had brought them to therapy in the first place. I became keenly aware of both the advantages and the limitations of therapy as a means of investigating eroticism. I was eager to expand my work by studying peak erotic experiences in a totally different way.
To that end I created the Sexual Excitement Survey (SES). The survey asks anonymous respondents to write in detail about especially arousing and memorable encounters and fantasies, as well as their ideas about what made these events so thrilling. My challenge would be to analyze the content of their stories and comments and look for recurring themes and patterns.
It’s difficult to find people willing to spend at least ninety minutes disclosing the very things they naturally keep to themselves. So I distributed many of the surveys in undergraduate-and graduate-level human sexuality classes, where self-exploration is a part of the learning. Interested students mailed completed surveys directly to me—not to their instructors. Also, a number of professional and social organizations took an interest in this project and invited their members to participate. Whenever I spoke in seminars and workshops, I always mentioned the SES and had a stack of them available.
Over a period of two years 351 respondents—whom I affectionately call The Group—accepted my invitation to reveal the most intimate details of their eroticism. Collectively, they described 687 memorable encounters and 339 favorite fantasies, for a total of more than 1,000 peak erotic events. Compared to the tens of thousands of respondents who regularly respond to questionnaires in popular magazines, these are obviously small numbers. But the SES is not a typical survey because of the depth of self-disclosure it requests. Instead of learning a little bit about thousands of people, I preferred to learn a great deal about a few hundred.3 Through my analysis I intended to become intimately acquainted with every one of these strangers.
Fortunately, The Group is as diverse as I had hoped.* It consists of men and women ranging in age from eighteen to sixty-nine, representing many races, all sexual orientations, and a wide variety of types and frequencies of sexual behavior.4 They differ from the general population primarily in their willingness to write about such matters, as well as their inclination toward introspection, well-developed verbal skills, and relatively high levels of formal education.
Most sex surveys are written to benefit the researchers. Although I created the SES to help answer questions that matter to me, from the beginning I wanted the survey to give something back to the respondents. Members of The Group frequently mention how they personally benefited from filling out the SES. I’m also delighted that many therapists now suggest that their clients use the SES as a consciousness-raising tool.
To get the most out of this book, I invite you to contemplate the same questions that I asked The Group. You’ll find the SES, along with a simple set of instructions, in the appendix. Consider responding to the entire SES before reading any further to be sure your answers are completely spontaneous. Once you complete the SES you might wish to send me your answers (without your name, of course) so that I can expand my research to a larger population. That decision, clearly, is completely up to you and can be made at any time.
If the SES seems a bit daunting just now, an alternative is to take it one step at a time. Start with two key questions about your most memorable real-life encounters:
As you scan your memory you’ll probably recall a variety of experiences. Keep in mind that peak encounters are not necessarily dramatic or sensational. Sometimes the best ones are remarkably simple. Nor is it necessary for peak encounters to include intercourse—or any particular sexual act. In a number of The Group’s marvelous stories the participants are fully clothed and some of the stories are exclusively visual, without any touching at all! Although the SES asks for only two peak encounters, there’s no reason to limit yourself. Feel free to recollect as many as you wish.
If you haven’t yet had any erotic experiences that you consider peaks, concentrate on those that were the most appealing so far. If you haven’t had any sexual encounters yet, focus on feelings of curiosity, desire, or attraction that stand out. It might also be helpful to pay special attention to sexual fantasies, which we’ll be discussing shortly.
Above and beyond the benefits of responding to the SES, you’ll gain even more if you keep an erotic journal, which is simply a notebook in which you write memories, feelings, and impressions as they come to you. Once you establish the habit of using your journal it’s easy to add details as your memory becomes more active—which it surely will. Starting a journal also allows you to reread your comments as your self-discovery deepens; perhaps later you will see them in a new light.
Please keep in mind that any writing you do in the SES or your journal must be for your eyes only. Your writing will touch on a host of possible topics you might want to discuss with someone when the time is right. Such intimate exchanges can be extremely useful and fulfilling. But by keeping the writing itself private, you will avoid subtle inhibitions that can cause you to hold back, perhaps without even realizing it.
As you recall some of your memorable encounters, I also want you to start thinking about another dimension of eroticism with which some people are more familiar than others—the realm of the erotic imagination. Sexual fantasies take an infinite variety of forms, and each individual has his or her unique patterns and preferences.
Fantasies spring from the depths of your erotic mind and are invaluable sources of information, which is why I included questions about them in the SES. I’m well aware, however, that the complexity of sexual fantasies, along with the fact that imaginary erotic scenes often do not conform to our ideals or values, makes them more difficult to explore than real-life encounters.
Some people, women more than men, aren’t aware of fantasizing at all. Others fantasize primarily about exciting events that actually occurred in the past, perhaps with a few embellishments. Another common form of fantasy is imagining sexual possibilities you hope might happen one day—as when you daydream about a sexy stranger whom you pass each day on the way to work. Keep in mind, however, that fantasies don’t necessarily bear any relationship to real life. If you grant yourself the freedom to do so, you can enjoy, within the sanctuary of your mind, fantasy scenarios that you would never want to experience in reality. Many people are confused on this point, mostly because they haven’t allowed themselves to experiment sufficiently with the infinite flexibility of fantasy.
At the most basic level, many people are confused about what, exactly, a fantasy is, so I included this statement in the SES:
An erotic fantasy is an image, thought, or feeling within your mind that is sexually interesting to you. Some people think of fantasy as a sexual daydream. Maybe it turns you on just a little bit—so little that you hardly notice. Or maybe it turns you on a great deal. Sexual fantasies may or may not make your body become aroused.
A fantasy can be triggered by something you actually see or hear (for example, an attractive person or an erotic picture or story) or it can just pop into your mind out of the blue. It’s very common for people to have fantasies while they masturbate, but it’s also common for people to fantasize while having sex with a partner or while doing virtually anything else.
People have many different kinds of sexual fantasies, and some people say they have none at all. A fantasy may be a simple or elaborate story—perhaps based on a past experience, a hoped-for encounter, or a totally imaginary scene. I ask that you pay close attention to your fantasies and how they help to turn you on—even if you think your fantasies are boring, silly, or uninteresting. Remember that a fantasy does not have to be a big production in order to be important.
Three of the SES’s most important and provocative questions direct your attention to the imaginative creations of your erotic mind:
Although the SES asks you to focus on one favorite fantasy, feel free to recall as many as you like. You may have a wide variety of fantasies. If so, jot them down. The question about the climax of your fantasy is intended to help you identify the specific details that intensify your excitement.
If you’re a person who doesn’t fantasize, don’t be concerned. As you read on, try to keep an open mind. You may not be accustomed to noticing the sexy images that flash through your mind. Like many people, you may not have detailed fantasies, just fragments of erotic thoughts that easily go unnoticed. Moreover, like so many of us, you may have been taught that it’s wrong to have sexual daydreams. Be patient and self-accepting. Gradually, you’ll become more familiar and comfortable with the way your erotic imagination works.
As you contemplate your fantasies, don’t be surprised if you feel embarrassed. After all, you’re zeroing in on extremely intimate material. Most of us will tell a friend details about an exciting encounter much more readily than we’ll talk about what truly arouses us in our private thoughts. If you can open the door only slightly to this line of self-exploration, in time you’ll discover how much your fantasies can teach you about your eroticism.
At one time or another most of us experience problems with our sexuality. In fact, one of your motivations for reading this book may be to understand or to resolve your own sexual concerns or those of someone you love. I bring this up now because you need to be aware that in the five chapters of Part I our goal is to unravel some of the mysteries of the erotic mind. We’ll do that primarily by focusing on peak erotic experiences. This is a different approach from the one most books about sex follow.
Like many of my clients, you might find it difficult to set aside your concerns for a while and see what you can learn from your own and others’ peak turn-ons. I’m certainly not suggesting that you ignore your problems or pretend you don’t have them; that would be counterproductive, not to mention impossible. It’s best if you remain aware of your problems in the back of your mind while you focus on your potentials. I can assure you that your patience will pay off. By the time you reach Part II, “Troublesome Turn-ons,” you will have developed the insights necessary for understanding and resolving a variety of prevalent erotic problems from a whole new perspective.
Now you are ready to begin examining your peak erotic experiences. Think of them using two seemingly mismatched metaphors. Peak turn-ons are precious jewels. To fully appreciate their glittering facets, it is necessary to gaze at them from different angles. Yet peak experiences are also onionlike. As each layer is peeled away you uncover additional information not visible on the surface.
All reminiscences, sexual or otherwise, are shaped by the way your memory sorts and stores information.5 Vivid recollections are enlivened by what I call memorability factors—characteristics that make any event stand out. Typically, memorability factors are the most readily identifiable aspects of an experience, the special particulars and circumstances that first come’ to mind when you think about it.
Consider the memorable encounters you’re recalled thus far. Which specific situational details contributed to your arousal? We’re not looking for penetrating analysis here, just the obvious facts that helped make the experience notable. Record your observations in your journal.
Next note the specific details that stand out in your favorite fantasies. You’ll probably notice important differences between the details that excite you in real life compared to those that are exciting in fantasy. In actual encounters, for instance, arousing details often appear to be strokes of luck, opportunities you happily seize even though they aren’t necessarily of your own creation. By contrast, in fantasy you select and control all the exciting events. In the realm of the erotic imagination you are the creator as well as the director, with the power to make everything turn out exactly as you wish.
These memorability factors appear in The Group’s stories more frequently than any others:
Firsts and surprises
Idyllic situations or partners
Extensions and restrictions of time
Learning about factors that stand but for The Group may call your attention to similar circumstances that contribute to your own arousal. But it’s quite possible that other memorability factors are more significant to you. After all, few things in life are more personal than sexual excitation.
The first time you have a significant experience you’re more likely to remember it because the characteristic of “firstness” stands out against the background of the familiar. Similarly, when your expectations and routines are shaken by a surprise, you also tend to take notice. These principles of memorability help explain why nearly a third of The Group’s peak encounters include at least one first or surprise.
Over the years I’ve consistently observed that men recall their first sexual encounters fondly as welcome rites of passage, even if the details of what happened weren’t that terrific. Women, however, don’t always welcome sexual initiation so wholeheartedly. Often a woman’s first encounter “just happens” after a few drinks or in response to pressure from her partner or peers. Even when the encounter is desired and basically positive, her enthusiasm may be tempered by a sense of loss.
Despite these differences in how men and women feel about sexual initiation, among The Group neither gender is inclined to report its first sexual encounters as peaks, with the exception of a few people whose sexual initiation coincided with falling in love. Other firsts, however—such as initial encounters with new partners, experiments with new sexual activities, or encounters in new settings—are mentioned regularly.
Women in The Group often recall the first time that sex was truly satisfying for them or the first time they experienced an orgasm with a partner. Darlene, a thirty-nine-year-old respiratory therapist, tells what happened to her only a few years ago:
I had fallen in love with my best friend. He wasn’t physically “my type,” but I thought about him constantly. I wasn’t sure how he felt about me so I tried seducing him with the most romantic music I could find and asked him to read a poem I had written about him.
All the while I was pessimistic. I thought to myself, “Even if the seduction is successful, the sex probably won’t be so great.” Before that night, I only had orgasms with masturbation. I always fantasized I could come during intercourse, but didn’t believe I really could.
I was so overcome with happiness when he said he was falling for me too. Soon we were making love. Usually after fifteen or twenty minutes of some guy pumping up and down, I would fake an orgasm just to get it over with. But after only a few strokes I was coming! Even though his penis was smaller than some other men I’ve been with, he fit me perfectly, hitting all the right spots.
I had three orgasms that night. He just naturally did things that drove me crazy. They say you can’t expect your partner to read your mind but to this day he always knows how to make me come.
Darlene’s breakthrough demonstrates how firsts typically reveal important new facts about who or what turns us on. Like Darlene’s, many of The Group’s enjoyable firsts are especially memorable because they contain an element of surprise. Megan, a young college student, surprises herself—and her grateful partner—when she opens the door, nervously at first, to a new source of pleasure:
My boyfriend had often asked me if I would give him a blow job. But I was scared because we had been seeing each other only five months—long enough for us to have sex, but I wasn’t completely comfortable with him yet. And besides, I just wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do or if I could do it right.
I don’t know why, but all of a sudden I had this thirst for knowledge that had to be quenched. We were in my bedroom when I surrendered to my curiosity. He was very loving and patient as he guided me. He showed me exactly where it felt best, almost like an anatomy class. He let me experiment on him with my lips and tongue. His moans told me I was on the right track. I felt adventurous and—it was weird—kind of in control. The combination of spontaneity and nervousness created an arousal all its own, especially when I saw my boyfriend’s face as he came.
Isn’t it striking how Megan’s reluctance dissolves into a burst of curiosity and desire? But notice the necessary conditions: (1) she decides when the time is right, and (2) her patient partner helps her establish safety so that (3) she can transform her nervousness into an arousal enhancer. As a result, she moves from uncertainty to confidence and is validated by her boyfriend’s responsiveness.
Another type of surprise occurs when familiar people behave in unfamiliar ways. Manuel tells of an unexpected conclusion to what appeared to be a colorless day:
I was hanging out with my girlfriend. Nothing much was happening—a little shopping, visiting a couple of friends. We were bored as shit to put it bluntly. Finally we gave up and went back to her place. Another Saturday night watching TV.
I needed a hot shower to give me a lift. Just as I was soaping up I heard the bathroom door squeak. Suddenly her hand came through the shower curtain, she grabbed the soap out of my hand and jumped in with me. We’d been together for almost three years and she’d never acted like this before. Her aggressiveness blew me away—but I liked it.
She got on her knees and soaped up my dick. It was as if she had studied how I masturbate (even though she never saw me do it) and added her own special touches. Was this my Angela? She brought me to a peak of ecstasy like never before. My orgasm was an explosion. We continued our adventures in bed for a couple more hours. Boredom was a thing of the past.
For Manuel, the foreground (his intense excitement) stands out in bold relief against a background of boredom and low expectations. I predict that as you construct your own list of peak turn-ons, you’ll find at least one that contains a similar contrast. In fact, The Group only brings up the topic of expectations in their tales of peak sex when those expectations are being joyously shattered by a welcome surprise.
In the coming chapters we will often be reminded that peak encounters share many features with memorable fantasies. But here’s a fascinating exception: while firsts and surprises obviously help make peak encounters memorable, they seem to be of little significance in fantasy. Only 5 percent of The Group’s favorite fantasies involve anything unexpected or surprising, and none of them contains a first of any kind.
What shall we conclude from this? Our best encounters often take us to places we’ve never been. Favorite fantasies, on the other hand, cover familiar territory. Through repeated experimentation we refine them so that they express, in the shorthand of imagery, the essential elements needed for arousal. This amazing capacity of erotic fantasy to hold our interest in spite of repetition is something we’ll return to many times, especially in Chapter 5, “Your Core Erotic Theme.”
Tropical islands, warm breezes at sunset, toasts to love over candlelight, meaningful glances from a beautiful stranger—these and countless other idyllic situations are associated with romantic fantasy and fiction. Nevertheless, 21 percent of The Group’s real-life encounters stand out precisely because they involve unusually fantasylike settings or ideal partners. Not surprisingly, many of these encounters take place on vacation. Far away from familiar surroundings and distractions, it’s easier to set aside inhibitions, to take a risk, to initiate or renew a romance.
Such encounters can also unfold much closer to home, as in the case of Trevor, a gay man in his late thirties:
His name was Eric and he was extremely attractive to me, with a firm, slightly developed body. He was the absolute best hugger. My body came alive when he wrapped me up in his arms. I especially enjoyed kissing him, his lips so soft as he kissed me in return. I remember gazing deep into his eyes while he fucked me as I sat on top of him. Our motions were in perfect harmony. It was easy handling him inside me.
I was totally amazed by it all and kept staring at him and his beautiful body, wondering if it was all a dream. The thought of my good luck, together with the sight of him, and the feeling of his dick inside of me—I’ve never been more aroused. His movements and thrusts when he came gave me an orgasm without any stimulation of my cock. I couldn’t believe it since I’ve always needed my dick jerked off to come.
I never saw Eric again. Nor have I ever felt so responsive since, though I’ve attempted to recreate the feeling with other men. I often wonder what made that evening so unique. It was truly magical.
In addition to its idyllic features, this story also has a poignant quality. While Eric clearly personifies Trevor’s ideal lover—with his beautiful body and ability to express tenderness and affection—he also represents a taste of perfection that seems to be a once-only bit of luck, never to be repeated. A similar hint of wistful longing can often be perceived in tales of idyllic encounters. They have a dreamlike, otherworldly quality that, by definition, is quite rare.
In fantasy, however, it’s easy to create at will an ambiance of perfection, which is what well over one-third of The Group does in their favorite fantasies. Arlene’s fantasy captures the feeling perfectly:
I’m in the mountains and have floated out to a rock in the middle of an isolated lake. I am lying in the sun, soaking up the warmth, with no clothes on and none with me. Suddenly I’m aware of a handsome man in his early to mid-thirties, at least six feet tall, slender, muscular, with dark hair. His body is in great shape. He’s beautifully tanned with soft lips, talkative eyes, and large hands. He is naked too.
He swims over to my rock and climbs up. Slowly, passionately, he kisses me and then licks every part of my body, one by one. I can barely stand it when his tongue wiggles its way up my thighs to my vagina where he meticulously traces the shape of each lip, circling the opening and then kissing my clit until I’m writhing in ecstasy. He lies down beside me and soon we make joyous love. First he is on top of me, then I’m on top of him. We are free, incredibly sensuous and tender. Afterward I quietly swim off as he sleeps. I glance back for one last look at his moist body glistening in the sun.
Arlene’s fantasy is quintessential “high romance,” far more common among women than men. I’ve often noticed that women frequently make a point of sketching out dreamy settings, sometimes concentrating their attention on the environment as much as or more than on sexual specifics.
When a man describes idyllic fantasies, with rare exceptions he emphasizes the perfection of his partner’s body, usually with little or no interest in the environment, except as a setup for great sex. Like Arlene, Luke enthusiastically dwells on the exquisite beauty of his ideal fantasy lover. The ambiance, though, is notably different:
I’m at home in my apartment watching TV in my gym shorts when the doorbell rings. I can’t believe my eyes when a gorgeous fox is standing there. She’s my new neighbor and just stopped by to say hello. I eagerly invite her in. She’s drop-dead gorgeous in a silky nightgown that reveals every curve. Her waist is narrow, her hips wide and shapely. I watch her ass sway as she walks to my sofa. Long, auburn hair swoops down, partially covering the milky skin of her cleavage. I can’t help staring at nipples which show clearly through her gown.
I’m fumbling for words when she slides closer to me and plays with my chest and stomach with her long fingernails. I pull her closer still as she grabs my dick. I feel a shiver go through her body.
I invite her to the bedroom and lift the gown over her head, revealing an even more incredible body than I expected. She rips off my shorts and we fall into bed, fucking with uncontrollable abandon. She loves it when I plunge into her juicy pussy. Before I know it she’s coming wildly, screaming. Her reaction turns me on so much that I thrust faster and faster, coming, coming until I collapse on top of her, spent. After I calm down, I watch her slip into her gown, shake out her hair, and walk toward the door. “See ya later, neighbor,” she whispers as the door closes behind her.
Luke and Arlene both enjoy the surprise of a perfect stranger. But whereas her fantasy is steeped in romance, his is animated by unfettered lust. She surrounds herself with mountains, a lake, and a sun-drenched rock for a bed. His perfect lover simply arrives at the front door. Also absent from Luke’s fantasy is the gentle tenderness that is so crucial to Arlene. Although such differences between men and women are by no means universal, they are unmistakable.
If you’ve ever found yourself glancing at the clock in a sexual situation, things probably weren’t going so well. The ticking of the clock as time marches forward is an apt metaphor for the mundane repetitions that occupy so much of our lives. No wonder we normally lose all consciousness of time during fulfilling sex, except perhaps for a fleeting wish that this moment would never end. In some situations, however, an awareness of time actually contributes to the enjoyment. More than one-fifth of The Group’s descriptions of peak encounters, and almost as many of their favorite fantasies, contain references like these:
“This went on for hours.”
“We never left the cabin all weekend.”
“We made love all night.”
“It seemed to last forever.”
“We took the time to savor every moment.”
Time lavishly devoted to an erotic adventure is a testament to its importance. Only highly significant activities command such attention. Lydia sings the praises of extended lovemaking when describing a particularly memorable encounter with Josie, her lesbian lover:
Josie and I live such busy lives that we usually squeeze in some routine sex on the weekends. One Sunday I fully expected a typically brief lovemaking session. I knew things were going to be different when Josie spent a good twenty minutes lovingly licking each of my breasts. My excitement built so gradually that I went into an altered state of consciousness—as if each movement was acted out in slow motion.
Josie seemed to go into a similar state when I went down on her. Normally I get bored after a while, but that day I savored her cunt as if it were my last meal. And speaking of meals, we fixed a delicious lunch of cheese and fruit and crawled back into bed to eat it sensuously. We held and kissed and rubbed and tickled and laughed all afternoon, at one point spontaneously drifting off into a semislumber in each other’s arms.
We both had many orgasms that day, but I know mine were different than usual. They were slow pulsations or undulations rather than the rapid contractions I’m used to. We forgot about everything, focusing all of our energies on each other. Spectacular!
In other instances, time is a memorability factor for the opposite reason: because there’s so little of it. Stolen moments with a secret lover, a hurried outdoor tryst, a passionate embrace in an elevator, a “quickie” before running off to work—all stand out because time is scarce. A desire so intense that it demands expression, even when there is insufficient time for it, demonstrates its compelling urgency. Norman recalls with enthusiasm one evening when he and his girlfriend were rushing to get ready for a concert:
Tammy and I often disagree about who should initiate sex, when, how often, and how long it should last. Sometimes it can be such a pain in the butt I’d rather avoid the whole thing. But there have been several times when all that crap goes out the window. This usually happens when we’re running late for something. Knowing that nothing will come of it I find it easier to be passionate, like one night when Tammy was dressing for the symphony.
I rubbed her shoulders and she tried to push me away. But I wouldn’t quit. I enjoyed turning her on even though she whined, “Norrrrman, we’re going to be late.” Next thing you know I was kissing her neck and reaching in her panties. All of a sudden she became like an animal. She grabbed me and kissed me deep and hard while I rubbed her clit and brought her to an orgasm in a minute or two—much faster than usual. Just a few strokes of my cock and I came too.
Then we went flying out the door, laughing like lunatics. At the concert she told me there was lipstick smeared on my face. We couldn’t stop laughing. Now why can’t it be like this all the time?
Dr. Maslow noticed a curious phenomenon, difficult to explain or even describe, in his research on all kinds of peak experiences: pleasurable distortions of time and space. He made this observation:
Not only does time pass in their ecstasies with a frightening rapidity so that a day may pass as if it were a minute, but also a minute so intensely lived may feel like a day or a year. It’s as if they had, in a way, some place in another world in which time simultaneously stood still and moved with great rapidity.6
Although this sounds rather “cosmic,” if you’ve ever had any kind of peak experience, you probably sense what Maslow’s getting at.
Just because peak experiences can’t be ordered on demand, you need not wait passively. Knowledge of which memorability factors have contributed to your arousal in the past can help you cultivate conditions for more fulfilling sex now and in the future.
For instance, passionate lovers who appreciate surprises become adept at deliberately breaking their sexual routines with playful experimentation. Creating unexpected turn-ons isn’t simply a matter of behaving less predictably—although this certainly helps. It also requires the ability to increase your capacity for being surprised. Zestful lovers allow themselves to be caught off-guard. On the other hand, I’ve often noticed how bored lovers develop an uncanny ability to miss opportunities for surprise, usually because they stop paying attention.
Too many people also assume that they can only wait and hope for idyllic situations or partners to bring special excitement to their lives. Passionate lovers discover that lucky moments happen more frequently to those who consciously devise the necessary conditions. And far more than we realize, the seemingly magical appearance of an ideal partner is a mixture of happenstance and a heightened readiness on the part of the beholder to perceive beauty. Likewise, those who have luxuriated in extended lovemaking or found a special charge in quick sex can learn to request and seize opportunities for similar satisfactions that might easily slip by.
In virtually every peak encounter or fantasy, the partner—more than one sometimes—plays a major role. Who are these people? Scan your peak encounters and take note of the kinds of relationships you’ve had with the partners in them. Then notice the partners you’ve selected for your favorite fantasies. Are they similar to or different from your real-life partners?
If you’ve already looked over the SES you know that after each peak experience you’re asked to categorize the relationship between you and your partner as:
Anonymous
Acquaintance
Boyfriend/girlfriend
Primary relationship or spouse
Multiple partners
In the original version of the SES I didn’t realize I needed to ask this question because I assumed the information would be obvious from the stories. So you can imagine how surprised I was to discover that 16 percent of The Group’s peak encounters and 21 percent of their favorite fantasies contain no information whatsoever about the relationships they have with their partners! During certain moments of lusty sex, apparently the type of relationship doesn’t matter—only the quality and intensity of the interaction. Luckily, in approximately 80 percent of their stories The Group does mention what kind of relationships they had with their partners.
As you can see from the stories you’ve read so far, The Group’s partners in ecstasy range from total strangers to committed spouses. Closer analysis reveals that both the gender and the sexual orientation of the storytellers affect the kinds of partners with whom they are likely to have peak sex. But the most important consideration of all is whether the partner (or partners) is a real person in an actual encounter or a fantasy partner.
Almost 60 percent of The Group’s peak encounters costar a partner with whom they have at least some degree of involvement. “Acquaintance” and “boyfriend/girlfriend” are the most frequently mentioned categories, followed by “primary relationship or spouse.” Even though men are slightly more likely than women to be currently in a primary relationship, their peak encounters are less likely than women’s to involve a primary partner or spouse. This does not necessarily mean that the men go outside their primary relationships for peak sex, although some do. More common, they recall peak encounters that occurred before they met their current partners.
A number of men and women report that their most memorable encounters occurred with people who later became their primary partners. During the early stages of such involvements the intensity of infatuation is normally at its highest. But there’s a significant gender difference here. Women are almost twice as likely as men to mention that they feel romantically involved or in love with their partners in ecstasy (25 percent and 13 percent respectively).
As I report research findings from the SES in the coming pages and chapters, you’ll notice that lesbians almost always have similar experiences as women in general, but typically with greater frequency. Here is the first instance of this phenomenon: lesbians are the most likely of all subgroups to speak of love and romance, doing so in 36 percent of their encounters as compared with 26 percent for straight women. Straight men mention loving their partners in 11 percent of their peak encounters, while almost one-fifth of the gay and bisexual men enthusiastically express love. For reasons I can’t explain, none of the bisexual women mentions being in love with her partner.
Almost one-quarter of The Group’s peak encounters involve complete strangers or people they’ve just met. But here we see another great gender difference: men are almost twice as likely as women to describe very casual or anonymous encounters (30 percent and 16 percent respectively). Reflecting this trend, the most likely of all subgroups to have anonymous encounters are bisexual men (50 percent) and gay men (47 percent). At the other extreme, only 1 percent of the lesbians describe memorable sex with strangers or near-strangers.
Seven percent of The Group’s peak encounters involve two or more partners, mostly “three-ways.” Men are much more likely to report multiple partners (13 percent) than women (3 percent), a tendency that is particularly evident among gay men and lesbians. Whereas 18 percent of gay men’s encounters involve multiple partners, none of the lesbians’ do. Matthew, a gay college administrator, describes a particularly successful three-way:
I saw two male lovers at a nude beach and enjoyed attracting their attention by getting a hard-on and letting them see it. Eventually one of them walked toward me at water’s edge. He had a thick, beautifully proportioned cock. Even when soft it swayed heavily and slapped from thigh to thigh as he walked. Soon after we greeted he invited me to hang out with them. All afternoon we joked and flirted. They were both extremely handsome.
I was thrilled when they invited me to dinner. At their place we all took turns showering. When one of them was in the shower, the other would play with and suck my cock. They had been together five years and claimed this was their first three-way. Both turned out to be incredibly sexy. I could see into their bedroom from the kitchen as each dried off and stroked their hard dicks.
After dinner one of them got down on his knees in front of me and said to his lover, “Look what I’ve got for you,” as he pulled down my shorts and began to suck me. By now the other one was feverishly jerking off.
When we made it to the bedroom I was thrilled to watch them perform sixty-nine on each other—very hot. I ended up fucking one lover as I was fucked by the other. Both men were warm, gentle, with great senses of humor. One also sang beautifully. They obviously loved each other. Our three-way never became competitive or tense—not even for a moment. Both were eager to please me, and I them. I can’t imagine how it could have been better.
Bisexual women are the most likely of all to report peak encounters with multiple partners (25 percent), and bisexual men run a close second (20 percent). Such encounters offer obvious advantages for bisexuals, as is apparent in this steamy tale of group sex at a hot tub party told by Ginny, a college instructor in her early forties:
My boyfriend, Rob, had been coaxing me for a long time to attend one of those “swinging” parties where it’s considered okay to sample sex with different people. At first I was reluctant because I feared the scene would be much too sleazy for my tastes. Being a great salesman, Rob emphasized the fact that my previous lover was a woman and that I might enjoy watching both sexes getting it on.
Eventually I agreed and much to my surprise it wasn’t seedy at all. The party was at a beautiful home with a large pool and hot tub. The people were intelligent and friendly. Other than the nude sunbathing it was no different than any other party. Rob was right, I certainly did enjoy gazing at the wonderful collection of bodies.
After the sun went down the atmosphere became more sexual. Some people went inside, apparently to have sex in one of the many bedrooms. Rob and I joined the group in the hot tub. As we loosened up, people began massaging each other. One woman was sitting on the edge when another woman went down on her. I was so spellbound by that sight that I didn’t even realize that Rob was getting a hand job—until I heard his familiar groans. When I turned around his face told me he was about to come. He did and several people cheered. I was a little jealous but incredibly turned on.
Over the next few hours, we put the lounge cushions on the deck around the tub so we had a choice of comfortable positions. I especially enjoyed being touched by Rob and a beautiful young woman at the same time. It was all so friendly and warm and fun—not at all like my idea of an orgy. Although he denies it, I think Rob was more jealous than I because he never mentions trying it again.
Matthew and Ginny are among the relatively few members of The Group who describe group sex encounters as their most memorable. These encounters are fraught with potential problems and are much more difficult to arrange than the more common one-on-one variety. Typically one partner is more interested in a multiple-partner adventure, which can result in arguments. Once partners do agree on a three-way or group sex scene, somebody often feels left out or jealous. And what are the odds of three or more people having compatible sexual desires? All of these complications vanish, however, in the realm of the erotic imagination.
One of the most striking differences between The Group’s favorite fantasies and their actual encounters is their partners. Fantasies involving multiple partners are the most popular of all among The Group as a whole. Just as they are the most likely to have multiple partners in real life, bisexuals are the most drawn to fantasies of multiple partners (60 percent of bisexual men and 75 percent of bisexual women). But more than a quarter of all women—even a third of the lesbians—say their favorite fantasies involve two or more partners. The same thing is true for 43 percent of the men.
One finding may surprise you as it did me. Whereas almost one-fifth of gay men enjoy multiple sex in their memorable encounters, they are the least likely subgroup to include multiple partners in their favorite fantasies (only 11 percent). The best explanation I can offer is that virtually any gay man who wants to try group sex or a three-way can find opportunities to do so, particularly in urban areas. These activities were especially widespread in the freewheeling days before the AIDS epidemic. It appears that real-life experiences with multiple partners reduce their allure in fantasy.
What is the meaning of the special appeal that multiple-partner fantasies hold for so many men and women? The ubiquitous imagery of two eager women in male pornography undoubtedly reflects and reinforces men’s interest in three-ways. But what about women? Their most popular form of erotica—the romance novel—virtually never includes multiple partners. With rare exceptions, such as when three people fall in love with one another, multiple partners do not easily fit the romantic ideal. Fantasies involving more than one partner typically have a purely lustful quality.
Many factors contribute to the popularity of multiple partners—especially three-ways—among The Group’s fantasies. The fantasizer is virtually always the focal point of such scenarios. The role of both partners is to respond to every whim of the fantasizer and in doing so to affirm his or her irresistability. In addition, the fantasizer is always in control, whether he or she chooses to dominate, to submit, or prefers to watch the partners put on a show as they have sex with each other.
I believe the most important attraction of three-ways is their ability to amplify whichever characteristics turn the fantasizer on. Typically, both partners are of the same gender and thus provide a double dose of maleness or femaleness. Consequently, straight women and gay men usually imagine two or more men, whereas straight men and lesbians gravitate toward two women. Not surprisingly, bisexuals sometimes enjoy the presence of both genders, but many prefer to take advantage of the amplification effect by fantasizing about two men or two women, depending on their inclination at the moment.
Second only to the popularity of multiple partners in favorite fantasies are very casual or anonymous partners. Among most of the subgroups, regardless of gender, 20 to 24 percent of their favorite fantasies involve sexy strangers or casual, chance meetings. Bisexual men have the most fantasies of anonymous sex (40 percent) and lesbians have the fewest (17 percent). In real-life encounters most women want some link between sex and feelings of emotional connection, as compared with a significant number of men who do not necessarily require or even want such a connection. However, this distinction almost completely disappears in fantasy. It is a dramatic reminder that in the realm of the erotic imagination we are frequently exempt from the values and preferences that guide our actual behavior.
In only 12 percent of cases does The Group select fantasy partners with whom they have any real involvement beyond their fantasies, whether as dates, boyfriends or girlfriends, or primary partners. Women, however, are more likely than men to fantasize about partners with whom they’re involved (14 percent and 9 percent respectively). An even greater gender difference appears in regard to being infatuated or in love with their fantasy partners. Women mention feelings of love more than three times more frequently than men (14 percent and 4 percent respectively). And once again, lesbians are the most likely (17 percent) to mention loving their fantasy partners.
This brief overview of the kinds and numbers of partners involved in peak encounters and fantasies underscores how frequently highly arousing experiences deviate from the norms and ideals with which most of us are raised. How often have we read or been told that sex is best with a loving partner? Yet The Group’s turn-ons remind us that memorable and thoroughly enjoyable sex occurs in the context of all sorts of relationships, sometimes with no emotional connection at all. Particularly in the realm of fantasy, the erotic mind claims for itself a wide zone of freedom from social conventions.
You have launched your exploration of eroticism by focusing on the aspects of peak turn-ons that are the easiest to observe: (1) memorability factors that help make these experiences stand out, and (2) the partners who serve as objects of your erotic fascination. However, I’m sure you’ve already sensed other aspects of your memorable turn-ons that aren’t so obvious. The deeper, more complex dimensions of peak erotic events will occupy our attention in the coming chapters.
If you have not yet started writing, why not begin now by responding to the SES or starting an erotic journal or both? I guarantee you’ll get much more out of this book if you use these tools to personalize your observations. If you become a participating observer rather than a detached one, your discoveries will be much more likely to enrich you.
In the introduction I emphasized how the erotic mind reveals its secrets only to accepting observers. This idea may have sounded reasonable enough, although perhaps a bit abstract. But now that you’re actually looking at some of the most intimate expressions of eroticism—both your own and others’—you probably have a more concrete sense of how judgmental thoughts can inhibit you. As you venture further, you’re even more likely to encounter material that is difficult to understand, and thus easy to criticize.
Think back over the peak encounters and fantasies you have remembered so far. Have you noticed anything that you felt inclined to judge? If you’re keeping an erotic journal, start a new section entitled “Judgments and Criticisms.” Each time you notice a critical thought toward one of your turn-ons, simply note your reaction. Avoid the circular trap of judging yourself for being judgmental. As your awareness of judgments increases, so too will your ability to set them aside.
Try the same experiment as you read The Group’s stories. You may have found some of them a bit kinky. As you read on you will encounter even more unconventional turn-ons, in other people and perhaps in yourself. Pretending to be open-minded is of little use. It’s much better to acknowledge whatever you find disturbing or difficult to accept. Jot down how you feel in your journal. When you come across a story that stimulates a particularly strong reaction, ask yourself how you might feel about the story if you approached it with an attitude of neutral curiosity. When you adopt such an attitude, if only for a moment, you’ll notice something quite remarkable: behaviors and fantasies that initially seemed weird or unacceptable become increasingly comprehensible.
Almost three-quarters of The Group say their peak turn-ons are much more or dramatically more arousing than their typical sexual experiences. This discrepancy raises important questions: What is the relationship between peak arousal and the regular, everyday kind? Does studying particularly exciting sex help us produce additional satisfying experiences, or is there a danger that we might end up feeling disappointed with simpler, less earthshaking pleasures?
How unfortunate if we use the perfection of our best experiences to devalue more mundane sex. Sex therapists regularly see clients who have converted moments of special pleasure into sources of disappointment and frustration by using them to create higher standards and, in turn, greater pressures to perform. Tragically, they have turned the beauty of their peaks into painful reminders of their inadequacy.
What is the alternative? Peak turn-ons bestow their gifts most generously when each is recognized as one-of-a-kind. All peak experiences spring from total involvement in the moment, which is lost if you split your attention by comparing one moment to another. However, when you savor each magical memory on its own terms, your recollections help you to become more fully available for a wider variety peak erotic experiences.