The universal challenges of early life
provide the building blocks for adult arousal.
On a warm summer afternoon in 1980 I had a peak experience of my own. But unlike The Group’s stories of memorable sex, my experience wasn’t erotic at all. It was a moment of extraordinary clarity that helped define the course of my work for the next decade. I was soaking up the sun on a beautiful beach, feeling unusually content and carefree. The rhythm of the waves had put me in a trance. It may sound strange, but I was contemplating the elegant simplicity of the erotic equation:
ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT
Only a sexologist would think about such things on the beach. I was appreciating how useful the equation had already been to my clients and me in helping us make sense out of the mysteries of the erotic. Yet I was eager to know more, especially about the obstacles.
Under the spell of the sun questions danced through my mind as if to tease me. Where do excitement-boosting obstacles come from? When barriers help turn us on, do they occur randomly, or are recurring themes and patterns involved? When my clients tell me about their peak sexual experiences, why do their stories seem so similar even though the specific details vary tremendously?
As I pondered I was intrigued by the ever-changing shapes of the swirling clouds overhead. Each new shape flowed out of and then returned to four smaller formations—not just once, but repeatedly. I was spellbound by the apparent repetition even in something as amorphous as cloud formations. I had lost all sense of time, but suddenly the realization hit me that I knew the answers to my questions. It was as if the crashing waves, penetrating sun, and swirling clouds had given me access to an inner knowledge I already possessed but had not yet been able to recognize. My understanding did not take the form of words, but a series of provocative ideas began to crystallize in my mind.
The obstacles that intensify arousal are randomly occurring events that cannot be predicted. But because eroticism is the interaction of arousal and the challenges of living and loving, the adventure of growing up gives each individual’s sexuality a unique shape and texture. Inevitably, each person learns to associate particular kinds of obstacles with heightened excitation. Associations that are sufficiently compelling are likely to be repeated, solidifying the connection still further. Because no two people have exactly the same life experiences, variation is the hallmark of human sexuality—just like the swirling cloud formations.
Although each individual is unique, we all participate in the same realities of human existence. Underlying the events that make each life one-of-a-kind are fundamental life experiences, shared by us all, that involve overcoming obstacles. These experiences—the universal ones—are most likely to find a place in our developing eroticism. This is why the four repeating cloud formations fascinated me so much. They represented the paradox of randomness and structure, of pattern within variation.
Still in a trance I sat up, fumbled in my backpack for a pen and paper, and wrote the words “Cornerstones of Eroticism” without even thinking about it. I then scribbled this list:
Longing and anticipation
Violating prohibitions
Searching for power
Overcoming ambivalence
I returned home feeling slightly dazed. But as weeks and months passed, the four cornerstones stayed with me, leading me to a deeper appreciation of the mysterious ways of the erotic mind. A few years later when I developed the Sexual Excitement Survey, one of my top goals was to look for explicit, clear references to the four cornerstones in the descriptions of peak sexual experiences. If the cornerstones are as central to the human experience as I believed, they should be particularly obvious during moments of peak excitement. As it turns out, unmistakable signs of at least one of the four cornerstones appears in more than three-quarters of The Group’s memorable encounters and fantasies.
Because they are woven into the fabric of human existence, I consider the four cornerstones the existential sources of arousal-enhancing obstacles. No two lives follow exactly the same course, yet everyone has intimate knowledge of these four essential challenges. And because each cornerstone brings with it obstacles to be overcome, they are ripe for inclusion in our erotic patterns. I am not saying that the four cornerstones are required for enjoyable sex. But they add zest so effectively to memorable encounters and fantasies that without them, eroticism as we know it could not exist.
I believe it is virtually impossible to appreciate your peak sexual experiences fully unless you understand the dynamics of the four cornerstones.1 Peak turn-ons provide unparalleled opportunities for you to observe the cornerstones in action. During peak moments all the key components of arousal are highlighted, making it easier to see how one or more of the cornerstones actively contributes to the memorability of a turn-on. Once you know what to look for, you can readily see them at work, usually more subtly, in everyday sexual experiences.
As we discuss each cornerstone in detail, begin by noticing to what extent each one plays a part in your peak turn-ons. If you notice a cornerstone recurring in many of your peaks, it probably holds a special place in your eroticism. If so, there’s a good chance that you can uncover signs of it in your earliest sexual memories. To help you find out, contemplate two key questions:
As you ponder the distant beginnings of your sexual self—perhaps writing your thoughts in your journal—don’t be surprised if your memories are rather vague. Even fuzzy memory fragments can contain important clues about your erotic development. Notice especially if you can identify any of the four cornerstones in your oldest memories, where your erotic patterns began to form.
Part of being human is the ability to picture in your mind something or someone you desire but don’t have, or isn’t there in the way you want or as often as you wish. This capacity develops shortly after birth and stays with you for the rest of your life. As a child you undoubtedly remember yearning for Mom when she went away or counting the moments until Dad came home. Or perhaps you created an imaginary playmate, someone you could always count on, who would never disappoint or hurt you. When you yearn for someone, the reality of his or her absence or unavailability is the obstacle you seek to overcome by remembering or fantasizing.
According to psychoanalytic theory, the earliest instances of eroticized longing universally occur between the ages of three and five as a desire to possess the parent of the opposite sex. I remain skeptical that these Oedipal urges are anywhere near as universally significant as the Freudians believe, although my research neither supports nor refutes the theory. A great many of The Group’s earliest sexual memories do involve vivid experiences of longing, but only a few—all reported by men—are directed toward a parent. Hank writes:
I know I was very young when I became obsessed with getting my mother to hold me. Now I recognize that thinking about this aroused me at times. The big problem for me was the fact that Mom was a doctor and rarely at home. I was cared for by a series of nannies. Sometimes I even fantasized that I would be taken to her office and be examined as if I were one of her patients. To this day I find myself wanting more attention from the women I date than they are willing or able to give.
Hank’s recollection coincides with my observations as a therapist that sexualized longing for a parent is primarily a compensation for lack of availability. After all, longing always directs its attention toward what’s missing or in short supply. Keep in mind, however, that as adults we’re likely to transfer old feelings of longing toward either parent to whomever we desire now, regardless of their gender.
Most members of The Group recall their first identifiable sexual fantasies between the ages of eight and fourteen, well past the Oedipal stage. Typically, they describe a combination of mental imagery and unfamiliar body sensations—such as warmth and tingling “down there”—when they imagined being close to a favorite movie or TV star or a special teacher, or wistfully yearned for the attention of a someone who seemed highly desirable and disinterested. Debbie is one of many men and women who recall such early “crushes.” She was about nine or ten when she became infatuated with a teenage boy who lived next door:
I remember trying to get his attention when he was cutting the lawn with his shirt off. He was very sweet but mostly he ignored me. One summer day he and his family were visiting and I was jumping around in my inflatable pool. I arranged for my bathing suit to sort of “fall off,” hoping that he would notice. Everyone just laughed—not the reaction I was looking for. It must have been a year or two that I fantasized that he would sneak into my room late at night and carry me with his strong arms to his bed. I felt so funny when I thought of him. It’s now clear to me that I was turned on.
Debbie’s attempts to gain the attention of the object of her longing are virtually identical to those seen in adult attractions, although most grown-ups use slightly subtler methods (but not necessarily). Also like Debbie, most young longers imagine someone older initiating and guiding them into a new realm of experience that is as fascinating as it is confusing.
Longing has a unique relationship with fantasy. Whether the object of longing is real or imaginary, I believe that longing is fantasy, for both children and adults. When you long intensely, you not only form a mental picture of the one you desire, you can actually feel what it was (or might be) like to be close to that person. Without the ability to fantasize, longing simply cannot occur.
Longing, like all acts of imagination, is highly selective. It focuses your mind on the most desirable qualities of a person and ignores or downplays the unappealing ones. If you actually have a relationship with the object of your longing, you look forward to opportunities to be with him or her and relish any communications you may have. The briefest of notes, a moment on the phone, a flower, a knowing glance across a room, or even a secondhand message fragment—any of these can stimulate your desire.
Longing also has a natural affiliation with romantic love. It’s difficult to imagine the experience of limerence without the preoccupation that fills the hours while the lovers are apart. What is this preoccupation if not fantasy? Romance novels, enormously popular among women, typically use delayed or interrupted fulfillment to heighten the titillation. Lusty sex acts occur against the backdrop of uncertainty, endless trials and tribulations—all of which make it exceedingly difficult for the lovers ever to get together. When the lovers finally embrace, share a passionate kiss, or make love, their joy is usually short-lived. Soon new obstacles intervene so that yearning can continue.
The most extreme type of longing—falling head over heels in love with a person who seems to feel little or nothing in return—has been called “unilateral limerence” by sexologist John Money. As a rule such one-sided longing doesn’t endure, because the lover who receives no response eventually gives up and lets go, though usually not without considerable pain. Some folks, however, keep hoping for a very long time.
Many people deliberately populate their favorite fantasies with characters they can never have. The imagery is of fulfillment, but the arousal springs from longing, as in Rachel’s simple fantasy:
I have a thing for a guy who plays for the San Francisco Giants. I go to a lot of the games because just seeing him on the field or even hearing the announcer say his name makes me wet.
When masturbating I pretend he’s my boyfriend and completely adores me. It’s so simple, really. We just make love and I feel very close to him.
Whereas Rachel’s fantasy is the product of pure imagination, other experiences of longing are inspired by actual events that are unlikely to happen again. Many of The Group’s most compelling fantasies relive, typically with embellishments, wonderful past encounters with former lovers or steamy, once-only trysts with strangers. Some longing fantasies acquire their power from missed opportunities or might-have-been or almost-were experiences. Sammy, a gay man now approaching forty, continues to relish an encounter that never quite happened when he was just fifteen:
I invited two buddies to stay overnight. I was extremely attracted to one of them who sat next to me in class, where for months we had touched knees. First we took a swim in our pool. When we changed clothes, I saw him nude. He was dark, physically mature, with a beautiful dick.
Finally he was in my bed but, unfortunately, we weren’t alone. When he got up to turn off the light he had a big hard-on. I wanted it so much I was going out of my mind. We started touching a little, but I was worried about the other guy so I held back. Fuck!
After he fell asleep I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. I was awake all night horny as hell. I still want him!
Situations in which we actually get a taste of what we crave, but not total fulfillment, are particularly likely to stay with or even obsess us. Longing reaches its zenith under conditions of partial or intermittent satisfaction. If expressions of interest and attraction are interspersed with signs of detachment—maybe the desired one pulls back, turns cold, or goes away for a while—the result can be a frenzy of desire. Anyone who has ever become involved with someone who already had a primary relationship knows how just an occasional crumb of interest or reciprocation acts as an aphrodisiac. Actual moments together take on special significance.
Longing and anticipation are variations on the same theme; both draw energy from the gap between desire and the reality of the moment. The difference is that longing must usually overcome formidable barriers. Her lover lives in another town so they see each other only occasionally. His girlfriend is involved with someone else so he waits by the phone for calls that rarely come. With anticipation, the wait is not nearly so prolonged or painful because fulfillment seems relatively near. In a state of yearning you are intensely aware of the experience of being without, whereas anticipation is almost entirely focused on the goal of being together.
Thirty-nine percent of The Group’s peak encounters contain references to desiring an absent or unavailable partner, or anticipating the encounter itself or some specific moment within the encounter. Far fewer—18 percent—mention longing or anticipation in their fantasies. For many people fantasy is an opportunity to use their imaginative abilities to guarantee gratification. Yearning enthusiasts, however, often prefer to build up their arousal gradually by visualizing an extended seduction or some other circuitous path to satisfaction.
Overall, longing is significantly more common among women than among men, with lesbians the most likely of all to mention it. One reason the women report greater longing is that they are more likely to have romantic feelings toward their partners. While anticipation can be a component of either limerence or lust, serious longing is definitely associated with romance.
In actual practice it’s virtually impossible to make a clear distinction between longing and anticipation. The dance of longing and anticipation is obvious in a story told by Frank, the only member of The Group who mentioned his wedding night as the setting for unforgettable sex. Because of Frank’s work, he and his fiancee had to be apart for nearly six months prior to their wedding, forcing them to make most of their plans by phone:
We decided we would stay overnight in a hotel before our honeymoon. I requested just one thing—that she wear a garter belt. She laughed but admitted that she too had some special things in mind. The consummation of our wedding was on my mind constantly.
During the ceremony I kept looking at her, thinking how beautiful she was, that we would be together at last. Later in our hotel I was so aroused I could hardly keep my pants on. But we undressed each other slowly, very tenderly, taking all the time we needed to fully enjoy every moment. Our sex that night was the best I’ve ever had. Why? I’d have to say it was the celebration, our deep feelings for one another—and being apart for months didn’t hurt either!
Notice how both long-term longing and short-term anticipation work together as erotic intensifiers. Who wouldn’t feel strong anticipation under such circumstances? But years before he ever met his fiancee, Frank already had a penchant for anticipation, a fact that is obvious in his second favorite encounter, remembered from more than ten years earlier. A very different kind of encounter, casual rather than romantic, it still builds energy from anticipation:
I knew a girl who liked to have sex a lot and was totally uninhibited and multiorgasmic. We’d meet at the oddest times and weirdest places. The one that stands out most happened on a warm summer evening when we were sitting on a golf course smoking a joint. Suddenly she stood up, stripped off her clothes, and took off running down a fairway. She was giggling and shaking her ample breasts at me in the moonlight.
I tried to catch her but she raced ahead, taunting me that I could have her if I could catch her. Well, I bolted off after her like a man possessed. When I finally caught her—which wasn’t easy—we tumbled to the grass and made love with overwhelming passion.
Even subtler forms of flirting draw much of their power from the dynamics of anticipation. Flirting only works when there is an awareness of distance—a gap—between flirter and flirtee. Erotic fascination is activated by the possibility that the gap can be bridged. The more prolonged and intense the flirtation, the greater the anticipation and the more powerful the desire.
Both longing and anticipation work their magic in the time and space before sexual contact. Once sex begins, anticipation usually recedes as attention focuses on the pleasures of the moment. Teases are the exceptions because they bring anticipation into an encounter, even after all barriers to contact have been overcome. Skillful sensualists learn to touch in ways that build rather than reduce anticipation. Lucky recipients like Beatrice, age fifty-four, sing their praises:
My husband has a tendency to go directly for what he wants, even if it’s me. I’m glad that he still wants me after all these years, but I wish he would take his time. For some reason, one morning he decided to do just that. Without a word, he began stroking my back and then my butt and legs. I was in heaven and really getting juicy.
He did things like run his finger up my thighs, gently brushing against my pubic hairs, which raised goose bumps across my body. When he turned me over he touched my nipples so lightly with his tongue that I was practically screaming for more, but he would only do it for a moment and then move on. I have no idea what got into him that day, but he teased me into one of the most intense orgasms of my life.
Experts typically explain the desire of so many women for extended foreplay on the basis of the slower rhythms of female sexual physiology. Beatrice’s story reminds us that there is often much more involved. A slow, sensuous buildup of arousal is among the few ways established couples can experience the miracles of anticipation. Unfortunately, men are sometimes reluctant to go slowly because they associate prolonged anticipation with being thwarted or put off—a common and frustrating experience in men’s sexual histories.
The erotic significance of longing is impossible to deny. Yet one of the great paradoxes of erotic life is that even though longing craves fulfillment, fulfillment dampens longing. In some instances longing evaporates immediately after the last barrier to access dissolves. An extreme but not unusual example is a pair of coworkers who maintain a strong but “impossible” sexual curiosity for years, only to be permanently satiated by a single chance encounter—perhaps even a very good one. Some erotic fascinations are founded on unavailability and simply can’t survive without it.
In more complex attractions, longing normally subsides during and after a passionate encounter, but returns once the lovers part. Yearning renews their passion—at least for a time. However, the predictable togetherness of living-together partnerships often makes longing increasingly difficult to sustain. For more than a few lovers, the demise of longing is a serious impediment to ongoing desire.
Yet even couples with relatively few opportunities for longing can still benefit occasionally from its aphrodisiac effects. Sometimes even a brief separation caused by independent travel or the emotional distance created by an argument can be remarkably effective at rekindling longing. In fact, almost 10 percent of The Group’s peak encounters are reunions following such separations or fights.
Other subtle manifestations of longing aren’t necessarily dampened by togetherness. I’ve worked with many people in couple’s therapy who describe yearning for certain emotions or behaviors that remain out of reach despite the existence of a committed relationship. One woman repeatedly explained to her husband (he thought she was nagging) how much she craved more emotional closeness with him. On those rare occasions when he disclosed intimate feelings to her, she felt incredibly excited. Her fondest memory was one night when they cried together and then made passionate love. As therapy continued, he revealed how much he longed for those equally rare instances when she totally surrendered to sex. He hadn’t realized that his own emotional openness was the magic potion that brought her passions to life.
A relatively rare form of longing operates according to a different set of rules. Some people yearn for love so profoundly and for so many years that they never forget that experience, even when they eventually do form a close, intimate bond. Repeated fulfillment doesn’t reduce their longing, but rather reminds them of how lucky they are to have beaten the odds and found a loving mate. They have developed a self-generating, longing-based erotic system that enables them to nourish a fascination with their partners for years and decades. They retain the aphrodisiac effects of longing by holding it in memory, where it sweetens their fulfillment.
Every society tries to limit sexual behavior. Not only do these cultural restrictions define and enforce the ideals and mores of the community, but they also have another function that is not consciously intended: they provide ready-made barriers that anyone can use to intensify his or her turn-ons. We’re all born with the capacity for arousal, and sooner or later (usually sooner) we’ll experience it. But what happens when we sense (or know) that adults don’t want us to feel this way?
The erotic equation predicts that those who grow up in sexually restrictive environments are almost certain to discover the erotic potential of breaking the rules. If you can recall any titillating childhood adventures—such as playing “show me” or “doctor,” being fascinated by pictures of semiclothed people in catalogues or National Geographic, secretly looking up sexy words in the dictionary, or discovering the parts of your body that weren’t supposed to be so pleasurable—you probably had two contradictory reactions. At times feeling naughty, dirty, guilty, or afraid of punishment may have restrained you from further experimentation. On other occasions these feelings might just as well have added an extra charge to your activities and made you want to repeat them.
A fusion of arousal and rule-breaking when you’re young dramatically increases the odds that you’ll retain in your adult eroticism a tendency to be excited by violational behaviors and fantasies. I call the aphrodisiac effects of violating prohibitions the naughtiness factor. Not surprisingly, it is especially pronounced in societies that seek to block most, if not all, expressions of childhood sexuality. And such societies dominate the modern world.
On a more personal level, you’re certainly not alone if you remember adolescence as a period when the link between nervous excitation and breaking the rules loomed especially large. Tina still thinks of an encounter from her teen years as among her most exciting, even though she’s now almost thirty, married, and pregnant with her second child. Her story captures perfectly the aphrodisiac qualities of sexual rebellion:
My boyfriend took me home after I watched him play in his band. Earlier that evening we were messing around so we were still pretty jazzed. We parked in my parents’ driveway. The backseat was filled with his band equipment so he crawled over the stick shift and sat on top of me. He undid my bra and my pants as I reached inside his pants. We kissed and touched until we couldn’t stand it anymore.
We switched places so I was on top. My pants were all the way off and his were around his ankles. With my legs sprawled apart, I sat on top of him so his penis could reach deep inside of me. There we were, bobbing up and down, kissing passionately and looking over our shoulders in case someone came outside to greet us—it was all very exciting. It was daring to make love with my parents inside. They hated my boyfriend because they thought he was trying to seduce me!
It only took a few moments for both of us to come, calm down, and put our clothes back on. We laughed and kissed as he walked me to the door and said good night, both of us looking quite smug.
You can see how the push-pull of inhibition versus titillation can be a high-stakes juggling act. These two are courting disaster and having a terrific time. Fewer adults are forced into such classic predicaments, but the thrill of naughtiness is ageless and timeless. Thirty-seven percent of The Group’s peak encounters contain similar references to the excitement and risks of violating prohibitions. They often use words such as “raunchy,” “sleazy,” or “trashy” to highlight the forbidden quality of their behaviors. For grown-ups, two situations are most likely to activate the naughtiness factor: (1) a risk of getting caught or discovered and (2) an attraction to disapproved partners.
A common feature of adolescent sexuality is the quest to find a corner of private space hidden from the watchful eyes of disapproving adults. Once we become adults, most of us choose to have the vast majority of our sexual encounters in private. Nonetheless, the adolescent struggle for autonomy and privacy sets the stage for adults to be aroused by the thrill of sneaking, hiding, or risking discovery. This is why even married partners can get an extra charge from making out in the car. They’re not really afraid of being caught or punished, but the ambiance of naughtiness increases the erotic tension—not so much, however, that it gets in the way.
Hillary, a fifty-year-old fashion designer, wife, and mother, describes the dilemma posed by a family vacation and the sparks that resulted. Much to their dismay, she and her husband had rented a too-small cottage in which it was impossible for them to get away from the kids. “We were forced into celibacy,” she lamented. After four days of frustration she and her husband finally took a walk alone in a park:
It was a wonderfully romantic night. The park was beautiful by day or night. In no time we were kissing and hugging, all the while looking anxiously around to see if anyone was coming. I was frustrated and completely excited. My husband suggested we find a sheltered place to go at it. At first I thought he was kidding, but I soon found out otherwise.
We picked our hiding place, lay down on our jackets, and had a marvelous time playing. One breast sticking out of my half-open blouse really got my husband’s attention. And when I opened his zipper and his rock-hard penis bounced out, I almost came on the spot. But we never stopped listening for approaching strangers.
It was innocent fun. Most stories of risked discovery are similar to this one, containing only a hint of real danger. For most people, too great a preoccupation with discovery generates so much anxiety that it ruins everything. There’s considerable variation, however, in how individuals evaluate the level of risk and how much of the associated anxiety they can tolerate. Craig, a gay man in his late twenties, is quite bold in his pursuit of forbidden thrills:
I was waiting to board the train when I spotted a handsome businessman. I felt aroused by his provocative eye contact and hoped he was on my train. He followed me and chose a seat directly across from me. We shared glances while both pretending to read our newspapers. This continued for about ten minutes until he started fondling himself slightly. I was going out of my mind.
Finally I stared at his crotch as I played with mine. I couldn’t believe this was happening on a train! He motioned for me to come over and we groped each other’s hard-ons through our clothes. We unzipped and masturbated each other until we both came in our underwear. The excitement was overwhelming, but we never spoke a single word.
Similar stories of semipublic sex, sometimes with strangers, sometimes with lovers, are told by both men and women, regardless of their sexual orientation. Gay men are most likely to mention them. Women are more likely to fantasize such encounters than actually to have them. For most women, anonymous, real-life lusty sex feels too dangerous to enjoy. When women do tell of semipublic sex with strangers, they virtually always emphasize features of the encounter that promote a sense of security, such as a remarkably gentle, attentive, or nonthreatening partner.
Even though it may not fit your ideals about love and sex, the unvarnished truth is that partners who catch our attention by virtue of being inappropriate or forbidden are often among the most magnetically attractive. You can readily see this principle at work in illicit affairs. While you may find the idea threatening or disturbing, you are no doubt aware that the forbidden nature of an affair gives it exciting elements not present in long-standing, committed relationships. The newness and greater opportunities for longing provided by an affair combine with the belief that the affair is wrong to produce a strong erotic charge.
Notice how JoAnn enjoys both sources of naughtiness—a forbidden partner and the risk of discovery—in an affair with another woman, whom she refers to as “M.” But her partner isn’t just any woman. She’s the ex-partner of JoAnn’s own current lover:
I found it very arousing to know them both intimately. I felt “between” them, so to speak. It was nasty to rent a private room in a hot tub place, sort of like paying for sex by the hour. I imagined that everyone could tell instantly why we were there. Believe it or not, I’m quite conservative and traditional. So it was stimulating to feel unlike my normal self. “M” was dominant—which I loved. We had rough and wild sex with lots of screaming, biting, and scratching. I enjoyed making a lot of noise and letting myself go.
She sat on the edge of the hot tub and I went down on her. She is the type of woman who ejaculates when she comes. There I was, kneeling in the tub, giving her head, while she was coming all over my face and into the water. I felt like a total slut. We made a very sexy mess and it was an added bonus that we didn’t even have to clean up.
The imagery of passion gone wild permeates JoAnn’s story. She paints a picture of sleaze and dirtiness with big, bold strokes. Following a more subtle approach, Helena, age forty-nine, makes her partner seem forbidden by associating him in her mind with someone else:
I was alone in Mexico, a tourist. While visiting an archeological site, I struck up a conversation with an architecture student who also wrote poetry, studied Yoga, and was a runner. His combination of energetic youth and lively intelligence attracted me powerfully. Also, he was close to the age of my younger son (early twenties), which provided a thrill of an almost incestuous kind.
We walked back to town—about five miles—where I smuggled him up to my room. We made love several times during the next few hours. Rarely have I had a lover more enthusiastic. Yet he was tender and thoughtful of what I wanted and how I wanted it.
Tom’s encounter also has an element of age inappropriateness. When he was twenty-six he was hired to lead a tour of high school seniors. The rigorous training was full of warnings never to become involved with the students and that doing so would be grounds for immediate dismissal. The limits were quite appropriately strict, but they also helped eroticize the atmosphere:
Many of the students were away from home for the first time, eager to push their freedom to the limit. While other leaders tried to clip the wings of their kids, myself and two other leaders adopted a more liberal philosophy. We gave them condoms and asked only that they use them if they chose to have sex.
One student, Beth, had just graduated from high school, was an aspiring marine biologist, and really sweet. She frequently sought me out to talk into the wee hours of the morning. She developed a strong crush on me but I was reluctant to let things develop because I didn’t want to take advantage of my position.
As the summer progressed I became convinced that her feelings toward me went beyond a crush—as did mine. We spoke about this and we agreed we would have to wait until we got home. Each passing day became an exercise in excitement and frustration. Each touch, each comment was laden with sexual overtones.
After almost five weeks of this foreplay, my fellow group leaders, four of whom were having torrid affairs with each other, invited me for a midnight skinny-dip in the sea. They encouraged me to invite Beth. Perhaps it was the moon shining on Beth, the soothing waves, or just the tremendous sexual tension built up for so many weeks, but we kissed and couldn’t stop. She climbed on top of me and allowed me to enter her. It was so warm and felt so right. We were afraid of being spotted by the other leaders so we remained quiet. She climaxed twice and I once.
I will never forget this experience. With the exception of one other “slip,” we waited until we returned to the States before having sex again. We spent the transatlantic flight explaining, in minute detail, what we planned to do to each other when we got home. These lurid descriptions were sufficient to bring her to climax twice without any touching at all.
Longing and the naughtiness factor join forces here for high excitement. Notice your reaction to this story. Did a slight sense of shock contribute to your involvement? The protagonists have unmistakably crossed a line that most people, including Tom himself, would agree has a legitimate and proper function—to protect the students. But my guess is you’re not that upset. For one thing, the rules broken here were not sufficiently grave to scandalize many people. Then too, the situation was highly romantic. And love is widely seen as an acceptable reason for breaking rules. Had the storyteller been motivated solely by lust, we might feel quite differently about him.
The naughtiness factor obviously draws its power to excite from the interplay of desire and the awareness of limits. Initially, restrictions are imposed by external powers that be. Gradually, though, each person internalizes at least a few of these boundaries as personal values. Consequently, most of us are comfortable placing limitations on our sexual behavior—even if we don’t always honor them—because they seem rational, necessary, or right.
In the realm of the sexual imagination, however, we are more likely to throw off the restrictive effects of rules and taboos, including heartfelt ones, sometimes getting a thrill out of shocking even ourselves. Consequently, many people go much further in their fantasies than they would in real life. After all, no one has ever been harmed by a fantasy. Actually, somewhat fewer of The Group’s favorite fantasies contain clear references to violating prohibitions than their real-life encounters—29 percent versus 37 percent. But those who enjoy the naughtiness factor in their fantasies often trample on taboos in ways they never would in reality. You can see how Brian conveniently ignores a host of prohibitions and practical considerations in his most erotic fantasy:
I’m waiting for my doctor’s appointment when I notice how incredibly sexy the receptionist is. There is a mirror on one of the walls and in it I can see between her legs. I start to feel an erection building and I halfheartedly try to cover my crotch with the magazine I’m supposedly reading. She opens her legs wider and sticks two fingers in her pussy and licks them clean with her tongue. She comes over and tosses aside the magazine and proceeds to undress me. We get into a sixty-nine position when a nurse comes into the scene, already naked. I fuck her in the ass as she goes down on the receptionist’s pussy.
If I really want to get sleazy, I’ll have an innocent pubescent girl unexpectedly run into us on her way out of an examining room. She’s so overwhelmed and excited by what she sees that she lingers to watch. Soon she unbuttons her blouse and presses one of her small, firm breasts into my face, begging me to devour it. The fantasy culminates with us making it everywhere in the office. Then, totally wasted, the receptionist hands me a card with my next appointment date.
The fact that fantasy has the potential to release us from all social, moral, and pragmatic constraints is among its most useful features. But exactly how the imagination lets us revel in the unacceptable is complicated, if not rather mysterious. On the one hand, we vigorously disregard the taboos we violate during fantasy, pushing them out of our minds, declaring them irrelevant. If, however, we totally lose sight of what we’re violating, the fantasy’s entire reason for being suddenly crumbles. It seems as though we must forget and remember at the same time—quite an elaborate juggling act, to say the least.
It’s particularly difficult for those who genuinely believe in the very taboos they wish to flaunt. In Judy’s favorite fantasy, she struggles with her attitudes toward prostitution, something she’s quite passionate about in two very different ways:
Ever since I was about fifteen I’ve fantasized about being a prostitute. I was always supposed to be “good,” but prostitutes claim the right to be blatantly sexual. As a hooker, I relish my seductive walk, whorish clothes, and dirty talk. I imagine a man slowing down for a look at me. If I like what I see, I ask if he’s in the mood for action. Sometimes I’m a streetwalker and we do it in his car or a fleabag hotel. Other times I’m a sophisticated call girl catering to rich businessmen. But I’m always in control, totally sexual, and I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks.
Judy goes on to explain her evolving feelings toward her hooker fantasies:
As a kid I felt concerned about my fascination with whores. Maybe I really wanted to be one—a horrifying thought. Recently I became involved with others in my community to drive the street hookers out of our neighborhood. I feel very strongly about this issue especially since a couple of kids found used condoms and needles in the park. More than once I went home from one of these meetings and masturbated in the bathtub (my favorite spot). And what did I fantasize about? Prostitutes, of course! I felt like a terrible hypocrite. But then I realized that my thoughts are my own business and totally unrelated to the real world. I still feel a certain uneasiness about my fantasies, but I think I like it.
Those who enjoy the naughtiness factor want and need the very rules and limits they get such a kick out of challenging—one more erotic paradox. Without boundaries to push against, there is no joy in naughtiness. If hookers roaming the streets were as meaningless to Judy as newspaper boys, they could no longer serve her as symbols of wanton lust.
During the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, when many restrictions from the past were cast aside, it became increasingly difficult to feel naughty. Some of my clients during that period complained about having too much freedom. I’m convinced that the attempts of many individuals and groups to shore up traditional values during the 1980s and 1990s haven’t come simply from antisexual, moral, or political motivations. How many, do you suppose, want tighter restrictions on sex because they miss having strong prohibitions to push against? Could a desire for forbidden pleasure be an unconscious source for “antisexual” attitudes? Consider the following evidence.
The thrill of violating prohibitions is clearly evident in all segments of The Group, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or religious affiliations. But whereas The Group as a whole mentions the naughtiness factor in 37 percent of their peak encounters, three subgroups are especially likely to do so: (1) 69 percent of those raised as Catholics, (2) 64 percent of lesbians, and (3) 41 percent of gay men. I believe the primary reason is their shared experience of growing up in sexually repressive environments.
Those raised Catholic, even those who no longer think of themselves as members of the church, still exhibit a passionate involvement with the naughtiness factor—evidence that adult erotic patterns are launched early in our lives. It’s just as the erotic equation predicts: the more consistently disapproving messages surround us when we’re growing up, the greater our affinity for the forbidden will be when we’re adults.
Most Catholic children are strongly discouraged from pursuing their natural sexual curiosity as kids. Nevertheless, most get the message that sexual expression will become at least acceptable in the eyes of God once they grow up and marry. In contrast, children who will become gay learn that the most fundamental feature of their eroticism—whom they’re attracted to—is and always will be totally unacceptable. To make matters worse, homophobic attitudes take root long before people know anything about their own sexual orientation. Once attitudes are internalized in this way, a conscious effort is required to change them. Coming out is so important to gays and lesbians because it begins the necessary shift in self-perception.
Even after gays and lesbians accept themselves, many retain deep feelings that gayness is inherently bad, if not downright unnatural. The only advantage to feeling this way is the extra erotic kick it can provide. Consequently, gay men are particularly likely to think of their role within the dominant culture as that of sexual outlaws. They reject the very rules that exclude them and embrace an ethic that emphasizes sexual freedom. Quite a few straight and bisexual men have similar feelings about themselves. The role of outlaw, sexual or otherwise, is more easily adopted by males. Lesbians, like women in general, may enjoy breaking the rules, but usually do so less confrontationally—with, of course, many exceptions.
Common sense suggests that regular sexual rule-breaking carries with it the risk of feeling guilt-ridden and ashamed. Especially if early sexual prohibitions are accompanied by threats of punishment or withdrawal of love, the result can be a deep sense of shame about even garden-variety sexual desires. What usually isn’t so obvious is that violating prohibitions can provide avenues for self-assertion and affirmation, which do contribute to self-esteem. The importance of establishing one’s own right to decide is clear among adolescents, even when decisions are dictated by the shared ideals of the peer group rather than the individual.
Once we become adults we define ourselves less through our rebellions than through our accomplishments, values, and relationships. But most of us retain an urge to demonstrate our superiority over the rules that continue to restrict us. Perhaps this is why encounters and fantasies with a flavor of violation so often leave the violators with a sense of self-validation or even pride. Of course, positive reactions like this are easier if the limits and values being violated are somebody else’s rather than one’s own.
The story of childhood is, to a large degree, the history of our attempts to move from the abject powerlessness of infancy toward a clear and strong sense of self, a self capable of standing its ground in an indifferent and sometimes hostile world. Without some success in our search for power, we would have to live—if we could survive at all—in a state of perpetual submissive dependency.
Throughout your life two fundamental strategies have been available to help you cope with or overcome powerlessness. The first involves direct action. By the time you were two you had already discovered ways to assert your will, probably including stirring up a fuss to get your way, threatening or using retaliation when you didn’t, or staging a sit-down strike when all else failed. As you’ve grown you’ve added additional strategies, including, with luck, the ability to express your wishes plainly and assertively.
A more subtle and indirect approach can still provide a semblance of control for the powerless. Have you ever noticed how submitting to a dominant other sometimes allows you to join or even coopt his or her control? Highly refined surrendering can give “powerless” practitioners nearly total control. Negative examples of this are regularly acted out by “helpless victims” who become tyrants, demanding total compliance and devotion. But indirect routes to power are by no means intrinsically negative. Both children and adults regularly rely on indirect strategies when they must deal with people in dominant positions—a parent, a bully, a teacher, a boss, or maybe even a lover.
Your search for power, regardless of which strategies you use, always involves overcoming the obstacles created as opposing wills collide. When actual or fantasized power dynamics intersect with experiences of arousal, as they often do beginning early in our lives, the erotic equation predicts that our responses might well be intensified. Consequently, long before many of us reach adulthood, subtle or dramatic themes of dominance and submission have become established as reliable turn-ons.
Twenty-eight percent of The Group’s peak encounters contain obvious references to at least mild dominance or submission or both. The percentages grow dramatically, however, if we consider The Group’s favorite fantasies. Over half of the women (56 percent) and somewhat fewer of the men (44 percent) make clear references to power in their fantasies, a considerable increase for both genders. I was particularly surprised that women are twice as likely to focus on power in their fantasies as in their real-life encounters. Lesbians accentuate this trend, with 83 percent mentioning power dynamics in their fantasies.
Now is an appropriate time to review again your childhood sexual feelings and fantasies. What were the power relationships between you and the objects of your earliest attractions? When I ask therapy clients about this they frequently remember responding to vague images of dominance and submission in movies or on TV. Most notable are the scenes in which someone is tied up, taken away, or held captive. Similar images are common among The Group’s earliest sexual fantasies. Maria, now middle-aged, explains how a fantasy she first remembers having at age twelve contains elements that still entice her today—longing and surrender in a romantic setting:
I am kidnapped by a dark, handsome man. He puts me on a boat and sails us to an island in the tropics. He builds a small bamboo hut and lays out a blanket where he undresses me and then himself. He ties my hands together and gives me oral sex and drives me utterly insane. Afterward we hold each other in the cool breeze.
Notice how he is the source of all the action. But notice also that she is the primary recipient of the attention and pleasure—after all, it’s her fantasy. It could be argued that a girl’s early fantasies of sexual surrender are part of her internal preparation for the submissive role she will later be expected to play. After all, the most familiar images of male-female sexual interaction include at least mild domination by the man along with a complementary yielding by the woman.
If, however, early submission fantasies help prepare us for adult sex-role behavior, many of the men in The Group appear to have been studying the wrong scripts as boys. When men remember images’ of power in their earliest fantasies, as they often do, they’re just as likely as women to be submitting to a highly desirable but more experienced and powerful other, as in Juan’s fantasy:
When I was in fourth or fifth grade, I had a crush on my teacher. Miss Peters. I would fantasize that I did something bad (even though in reality I tried to be her favorite) so I had to stay after school. I imagined she took off my clothes to punish me, but I didn’t mind a bit. I wanted her to touch me. I especially liked the idea of being forced to sit under her desk while she graded papers, waiting for her to spread her legs so I could sneak a peek at her panties.
With few exceptions, when The Group’s earliest fantasies involve power roles, the fantasizer, whether a boy or a girl, is being guided, coaxed, or forced into sensual or sexual experimentation. Yet such fantasies are virtually always described as pleasurable, with the frequent exception of guilt afterward. In my view, we first discover the erotic potentials of receptivity and aggression in the powerlessness, especially concerning sexual matters, of our youth.
Power positions in sex are often described as “top” (the forceful, aggressive initiator) or “bottom” (the receptive, yielding responder). At first glance it may appear obvious who’s playing which role. It’s commonly assumed, for instance, that the inserter in intercourse—vaginal or anal—is the top, while the insertee is the bottom. Likewise, a person being “done” or pleasured is seen as bottom because the “doer” is more active. Perceptions shift, however, in male-male encounters; the receiver of oral stimulation is usually seen as the top because he is assumed to be in a more manly position.
When people describe the subjective experience of a top-bottom encounter, there’s hardly anything obvious about who’s in control. I have consistently observed that whenever people engage in sexual power exchanges voluntarily and enthusiastically, whether they play the role of top or bottom, they feel an enormous sense of powerfulness and validation. Peter, a construction worker in his mid-thirties, demonstrates the paradox of empowerment through submission, as his beautiful and aggressive girlfriend teaches him a thing or two:
I had just stepped out of the shower when she rang the bell. I wrapped a towel around my waist, invited her in, and followed her to the couch. I felt excited and vulnerable to be nearly naked while she was fully clothed. Tension was rising.
She said, “If you’re not careful I’m going to rip off that towel.” I liked her taking control, but I played it cool (I knew I was driving her wild). Soon she did rip off my towel. I was totally naked and she was still fully dressed. There was something completely unnatural about this but also very satisfying.
She took total control and did something completely out of character. She turned me on my belly, draped me over the couch, stuck her finger up my asshole, and masturbated me with her hand. It was as if my whole body became a giant penis and she was massaging the whole thing, inside and out. After orgasm, I shivered for ten or fifteen minutes while we held each other. I can’t remember ever feeling more alive than I did that night.
Peter’s memorable encounter reveals a fundamental truth about power and eroticism when positively intertwined: a forceful partner demonstrates with his or her passion the value and desirability of the one who submits. The reverse is equally true: a submissive partner demonstrates through his or her surrender the irresistible erotic powers of the aggressor. Both top and bottom feel strong and affirmed. Ultimately, control resides within neither alone, because the energy is generated by their interaction.
One of the advantages of at least appearing to surrender to a more powerful other is that we can disclaim responsibility for what follows. I’m intrigued by how frequently sexual submission is used, especially by females, to circumvent the incredibly intense messages warning them not to be sexual. Marcie, a marketing executive in her late thirties, expresses her insights as she both describes and analyzes her own favorite fantasy:
I am a plaything at an exclusive men’s club. Any time, anywhere, I must do what I’m told. Sometimes I must masturbate in front of a whole room full of men. Sometimes I must not react while every part of my body is being stroked and caressed. Then there are the contests in which I see how many men I can make come in an hour—or how many times I can orgasm.
Marcie goes on to explain how much she enjoys the fact that she has no control, contrasting this with her actual life filled with the responsibilities of motherhood and a high-stress job. She allows us into her thoughts:
I always find it ironic that in real life I never willingly let men have their way with me or put me down. Yet my fantasies all revolve around my lack of control. I think it comes from my old belief that “good girls don’t.” If I have no say over what is happening then I’m not to blame for my enjoyment. I’m just following orders.
Max, a bisexual man who has a primary relationship with a woman as well as occasional trysts with men, explores similar themes of responsibility from a man’s perspective:
Sally and I have a terrific sexual relationship filled with passion and experimentation. But there are definite limits. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy, or maybe because I’m big and muscular, but Sally expects me to take charge, especially when we fuck. I’ve told her I like to be passive sometimes and she sort of tries to take control, but I can tell it’s just an act for her. I like feeling powerful when she surrenders to me, but I don’t like controlling everything all the time.
I’ve always had a special kind sexual interest in men. I recently met a bisexual guy who’s almost as large as me and who gets off on being on top. I see him once in a while, but one time was the absolute best. I had confided in him that I fantasize being tied up. Some time later he used rubber strips to tie me to the bed frame.
The rush of excitement was incredible as he stimulated me relentlessly. He sucked me almost to the point of coming and then backed off. I was surprised how I enjoyed a little pain when he pinched my nipples, tugged on my balls, or rolled me partway over and slapped my ass. The high point for me was when he got out a rubber and lube and—after loosening me up with his fingers for a good half hour—fucked me masterfully while he jacked me off. It was better than my fantasy.
Max expresses a complaint similar to those of several straight male members of The Group: that they are usually, if not always, expected to be dominant. This means rarely getting a chance to occupy the center of attention as an enthusiastic bottom. The fact that Max is bisexual and met an eager top gave him an opportunity to be submissive in a way that’s obviously not readily available for most straight men—except through fantasy.
Unlike Max’s girlfriend, some women thoroughly enjoy opportunities to dominate men sexually. But a number of men have told me that even though they fantasize about being dominated, they have a very difficult time actually surrendering to women—especially those they care about. Perhaps this is one reason that so many prostitutes report that male customers who make specific requests usually want to be dominated in one way or another.
Max emphasizes a connection between physical size, strength, and sexual power roles. He’s not alone in this. In most people’s minds, the larger, stronger person, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, is expected to play the role of top. Even gay men complain that their options are sometimes limited by their size. Large, muscular gay men say other men usually want to cast them in the dominant role, even when they would prefer a more receptive position.
Erotic interchanges energized by the dynamics of power often cast the protagonists in clearly hierarchical roles. In stories told by The Group, actual social relationships containing power discrepancies—such as teacher-student, parent-child, older sibling-younger sibling, doctor-patient, cop-suspect, master-slave, prisoner-guard, boss-employee—often provide the framework for memorable turn-ons.
Unfortunately, any social role with a built-in power inequity also can be used for sexual exploitation and manipulation. Consequently, society makes at least halfhearted attempts to restrict sexual contact in such situations. But these restrictions often backfire by increasing the erotic tension within these dyads, especially when power inequities are combined with the naughtiness factor. Holly’s favorite fantasy relies on this tantalizing mix to create a wild yet self-affirming turn-on:
I’m driving home from work, speeding down a twisting, windy road in my sports car. Ahead of me I see a police car hidden in the bushes. I decide not to slow down. As I fly past, his siren wails as he takes off after me. I pull over and watch in my rearview mirror as a gorgeous, dark-haired man gets out of the patrol car. He asks me if I realize I was speeding. “Of course,” I tell him. “I did it on purpose so I could meet you.”
He says that instead of writing me a ticket, there is another way to take care of it. I get into his patrol car and we go find a secluded place. In the backseat, we begin kissing and undressing each other. I climb on top of him and ride him for what seems like forever. Afterward he drives me back to my car and asks to see me again. He says I am the most exciting woman he has been with. I tell him that maybe he’ll be lucky and stop me again sometime, as I drive off without a ticket!
When Holly describes what makes this fantasy so exciting for her, she raises some interesting points:
First there’s the pure danger of fucking a police officer in a patrol car. But mainly it’s the fact that cops are so manipulative and power-hungry, but here I manipulate one of them with my body. I feel control over him. The most intense part of the fantasy is when I drive away without a ticket. I have triumphed!
Once again we see the paradoxes of power. Holly conjures up the image of a power-hungry cop so that she might prevail over him. Erotic scenarios fueled by the dynamics of power often involve similar reversals. The climax of the scene always occurs, as it does for Holly, when the dominator becomes the dominated, the aggressor submits.
More than a few people have felt an erotic pull toward someone whose social role, race, financial resources, or age created an imbalance of power. Such attractions are usually best explored in fantasy or in role playing with a consenting partner. Even sexual situations that would be abhorrent and traumatic if they actually happened—rape or incest, for example—can become harmless sources of excitement in fantasy or playacting. But what about people who are excited by actually manipulating, overpowering, and violating those who are helpless and vulnerable? Such people do exist and understandably create suspicion and fear, especially among women.
I’m struck by how frequently women members of The Group describe the men in their wildest encounters as either gentle or “strong, yet gentle,” while relatively few men emphasize the gentleness of women. I believe a collective female awareness of the potential for unwanted male aggression lies behind this focus on gentleness. For many women, if a partner is gentle he automatically becomes safer. When security is assured, women can appreciate opportunities for healthy dominance and powerful surrender just as much as men.
Whenever I speak to groups about the first three cornerstones, nodding heads, knowing grins, and insightful comments communicate a sense of recognition and understanding. After all, if people didn’t immediately recognize the cornerstones, I’d have to question seriously my belief that they provide the most common excitement-boosting obstacles. But as the discussion moves to the erotic significance of ambivalence, signs of recognition are initially outnumbered by puzzled looks. A common question is: How could wanting and not wanting, liking and not liking, being drawn toward and being repulsed, be anything other than confusing and inhibiting?
People begin to understand how overcoming ambivalence can be a sexual intensifier when they view the experience of mixed feelings in a larger context—as an inevitable aspect of the human condition. From birth we are all compelled by an inner urge to engage in life with curiosity and wonder. At the same time, the more we discover about the realities of existence, the more we realize that life is painful, dangerous, unpredictable, incomprehensible, notoriously unfair, and then, as the joke goes, we die.
Among life’s harshest realities is the fact that virtually everyone is hurt by love, beginning in our family relationships. Even those who are fortunate enough to feel basically loved by one or both parents still must cope with being misunderstood or ignored at times. We are so dependent as young children that it’s difficult to imagine not being emotionally wounded by the people upon whom we depend completely for nurturance and love.
As we grow, our dependency decreases, and with it some of our vulnerability. But we continue to long for human connection despite the inevitable hurt. The need to reach out versus the imperative of self-protection is such a fundamentally human conflict that it affects all areas of life, including our eroticism.
It is helpful to think of ambivalence as an internal form of the erotic equation. When someone is sexually ambivalent, the two key ingredients for high excitement—attraction and obstacles—are both active within the same person. In the right proportions, under the right circumstances, the result can be a compelling turn-on.
Most people don’t readily think of ambivalence as an aphrodisiac because it is most likely to be so just at the moment when it disappears. After all, it isn’t ambivalence alone that turns people on but rather the transformation of mixed feelings into a single-minded focus on pleasure. For this reason, when ambivalence adds intensity to sex, it usually operates in the background. By the time we are highly aroused, ambivalence has at least momentarily been swept aside.
This process is easy to see when ambivalence plays a part in The Group’s peak encounters. You can’t help noticing how reticence yields to passion as Lydia, age twenty-seven, resolves an ongoing struggle between fascination and fear:
My boyfriend kept asking me to try anal sex but I always refused. Yes I was curious, but I just wasn’t sure if it was the right thing. Besides, my friends all told me it was very painful and I believed them. Eventually, I decided to try, but I couldn’t help wondering if I was making a big mistake.
We used salad oil as a lubricant. I liked the way it felt as my boyfriend relaxed me with his finger. For the first five minutes I was too scared to get into it. Then I said, “Why don’t we try it with me on top?” Having just a little more control over my position did the trick for me. What a pleasure it was to try something new. Feeling his penis sliding deep inside of me was wonderful. Anal sex is now one of my favorite things. How wrong my friends were. I’ve never felt any pain at all.
Although Lydia seems aware that her initial reluctance contributed to her arousal, it would not be surprising if she had left out of her story the fact of her reticence (background), concentrating instead on the joy of her new discovery (foreground). Perhaps this is one reason that only about 10 percent of The Group’s peak encounters and even fewer of their favorite fantasies include explicit references to ambivalence. In discussions with clients in therapy I’ve noticed how they often downplay or “forget” about the ambivalence that preceded an exciting erotic event, unless I specifically ask them how they were feeling.
Strong attractions, whether lusty or limerent, are usually single-mindedly definite. The fact that our attractions can be so compelling, yet not controlled by logic, means that, sooner or later, most of us will come across a person who magnetically draws us while simultaneously repells us in some way. As strange as it may seem, an ambivalent attraction can, all by itself, make the object more exciting.
Those who are sexually attracted to men seem to be particularly inclined to find themselves simultaneously drawn and repelled. Among The Group, mixed feelings toward partners are mentioned much more frequently by the three subgroups drawn to men: bisexual women (25 percent), gay men (18 percent), and straight women (15 percent). Like Laura, a successful stockbroker, they usually mention traditionally masculine qualities that are both arousing and distasteful:
There was a big, muscular hunk in my office who was always putting the make on me. His attitudes about almost everything disgusted me, even the way he propositioned me was so tasteless I had to refuse. But just thinking about him made my blood boil.
Once after an office party, I let him drive me home. We made out in the car. Unfortunately, he was a terrific kisser. I invited him in. Rarely have I felt so excited. In bed he was aggressive, yet totally aware of what I wanted. His body was even better naked.
I’ve been refusing him ever since. He’s still a pig at the office but I’ll always enjoy that memory.
Why would anyone be moved by such profound, erotic stirrings toward someone so distasteful? Laura is quite articulate about her dilemma:
I can’t tell you how much I resent that masculine superiority shit. I guess he gets to me because he’s the exact opposite of the way I think people should be. It pisses me off to think that this tension could excite me so (I would never admit it to anyone). The truth is, I’m incapable of feeling indifferent toward him and the bastard knows it, too.
Ambivalent attractions refuse to be limited by logic or politics, a fact that Laura reluctantly acknowledges because she’s too smart not to. She realizes that the contrasts between her and “the hunk,” intensified by her negative emotions toward him—not to mention his terrific body—all combine to produce an unavoidable attraction. As is so often the case, the more she tries to resist it, the stronger it becomes.
Even though her wayward attraction bothered her, at least Laura enjoyed her encounter. For many others, ambivalent turn-ons are as distressingly negative as they are compelling. In such instances, the erotic mind displays an uncanny ability to convert negative real-life experiences into exciting fantasies. Notice how George, a gay man approaching forty, transforms a traumatic encounter into something positive:
I was attracted to a large football player type who was the bouncer at a gay disco. I eventually went on a “date” with him which just meant going to his house for sex. The man turned me on no end, even though the more we talked the more I realized he was a pig-headed jerk. He said he had fathered a couple of children and that women loved to be treated like dirt.
But the most unpleasant part was that I was going to get fucked, which I normally would enjoy, except for the size of his penis. Just as they say in dirty magazines—it was the dick of death! Anyway, I suggested some other act but he said he was “sick and tired of hearing this shit from faggots.” So he pinned me down and forcibly fucked me. I’m not sure if he used a lubricant, but the pain was horrible. I lost my erection and prayed he would finish as quickly as possible. Because, I believe, my resistance was a turn-on to him, he did come quickly.
Afterward I felt dazed and, amazingly, I was almost affectionate to him as I left, saying something like “I’ll see you soon.” Only later did I realize I had been raped! I would not like to repeat this experience, but even now I sometimes think about it while masturbating. In my fantasy, the pain doesn’t really hurt. But that jerk can still turn me on.
Notice how ambivalence combines with intense power dynamics to make this encounter/fantasy memorable in spite of (or because of?) George’s distasteful partner. In a roundabout way, this experience is also energized by a deep longing for the sensitivity and caring that are so noticeably absent. George explains:
Even as a kid I admired supermasculine men, the ones who never had to worry about being called a sissy. I remember imagining that one of them—the rougher and tougher the better—would fuck me with love and respect. I knew it would never happen, but I guess that’s what fantasies are for.
It’s fascinating how George is able to retain in fantasy the exciting features of the encounter while filtering out the distasteful, hurtful parts. Both men and women report using this technique.
Sometimes the drama of overcoming ambivalence is most poignant in those on-again, off-again relationships that can be so tempestuous. Notice, for example, how a deep reluctance joins forces with longing for Joyce, a woman who was divorcing her husband. She hadn’t seen him in four months, or had sex with him for even longer:
He called me at work to say he needed to see me. I was hesitant because in the past these encounters have led to either fights or outrageous sex. At the time I didn’t want either from him. Yet he was very persuasive so I agreed to meet him in spite of my better judgment.
From the moment I saw him, it was like the beginning of our relationship all over again. Sexual sparks were flying everywhere. He knew the right places to touch me and the perfect words to say. And he used all his tricks until I was like jelly. Incredible!
Joyce’s explosive encounter is defined and energized by the push-pull of ambivalence. Her desire to avoid him only intensifies the magnetism of his “tricks.” Yet by the end of the story, her ambivalence is nowhere to be seen. In a burst of passion, ambivalence is transformed.
None of the cornerstones is required for sexual arousal. A strong mutual attraction combined with a vital sensuality can, by themselves, create a very satisfying turn-on. But as you have seen, the cornerstones are extremely effective arousal intensifiers. And because excitement is notably heightened in the peak moment, all the features that contribute to our arousal, including any of the cornerstones, are especially visible.
You’ve probably noticed that many of The Group’s encounters and fantasies include more than one cornerstone—even though I’ve deliberately selected stories that are relatively pure examples of whichever cornerstone I’m discussing at the time. Three-quarters of The Group’s memorable encounters and fantasies contain at least one cornerstone, and about 40 percent mention two or more. Zack alludes to all cornerstones except ambivalence:
There was this girl that I wanted for a year and had often used her as a model during masturbation sessions [longing]. When we finally had sex for the first time it was great. I enjoyed being the aggressor, since I had always been the passive one in my previous sexual relationships. I enjoyed having her submit to me and let me do as I pleased [power]. What really turned me on was seeing her naked and hearing her breathe deeply. We were also in a place that was risky to be fooling around in [naughtiness factor]. I had just about come by the time I had her clothes off. It was extremely arousing when she started touching me. I had always imagined what it would be like and it turned out to be even better.
Many people have a particular affinity for just one or two of the cornerstones, while the others are of little interest. In general, those cornerstones that were most consistently a part of your earliest experiences of arousal are likely to be the ones you respond to today.
Sometimes, although not always, it is essential to become aware of which cornerstone or cornerstones excite you. I learned this when Alice entered therapy with me because she was tired of acquiescing to sex with Hugh, her husband of nineteen years. Rarely had she felt genuine desire during her marriage. But now an undeniable revulsion was forcing her to stop going through the motions and discover why she was so turned off.
The reasons for her dilemma quickly became apparent as she described how much she had enjoyed sex with Hugh before they married. Both were active in the church youth group. But Alice was a bit wilder and enjoyed seducing Hugh, who, although horny, believed in abstaining from sex until marriage because he hoped to become a minister. When I explained the naughtiness factor, Alice understood it immediately and soon realized what had gone wrong with her sex life. “The moment we married,” Alice proclaimed, “I felt completely different about sex. Now it was proper, a duty, a bore!” Her challenge was to restore a little naughtiness to her relationship, not an easy task for a minister’s wife.
As you zero in on the cornerstones that are most important to you erotically, think of each one as operating on a continuum, ranging from subtle to dramatic. Many of The Group’s stories have considerable drama. But keep in mind that less can be more. Sometimes just a hint of naughtiness, a tease of anticipation, or a whisper of domination is the right amount.
Not only is there tremendous variation in the intensity with which each cornerstone comes into play, but timing is also important. Both longing and ambivalence usually create erotic tension preceding sex. The first passionate embrace may actually cause a reduction in longing or ambivalence—accompanied by an explosion of excitement. On the other hand, violating prohibitions and searching for power are often most exciting during an encounter. Sometimes a cornerstone fuels arousal throughout an entire encounter or fantasy. But the effect of any cornerstone may also come and go in an instant when, for example, a fleeting thought of someone watching boosts excitement with a short-lived burst of naughtiness.
Keep in mind that you may not always be aware of the things that excite you. Sometimes a cornerstone works on the edge of consciousness—a subtle impulse you don’t have to, and may not want to, think about. Sometimes awareness actually gets in the way, especially if you are being excited in ways you wish you weren’t. Then consciousness turns to self-consciousness; the spell is broken. But in some cases awareness seems to be crucial for full enjoyment of the cornerstone. After all, if you’re not aware of feeling naughty, how can you possibly enjoy being naughty? What’s the point of unconsciously longing for someone? Why bother surrendering if no one notices?
Observing the effects of the four cornerstones reminds us again that intense eroticism is paradoxical and unpredictable. Almost anything that arouses us may—under different circumstances, or with greater or lesser intensity—also turn us off. And virtually anything that inhibits us sexually can reappear later as a turn-on. Once we grasp the implications of this, we are able to appreciate more fully the richness and complexity of our erotic minds. With this deepened appreciation, we can enlarge our perspective further still by considering some of the most ancient and powerful of all aphrodisiacs.