An internal blueprint for arousal transforms old wounds and conflicts into excitation.
When you contemplate the assortment of images and encounters that have aroused you, what do you see? There are those who perceive merely a random collection of events, each the result of a unique set of circumstances, separate and unrelated. Considering the effort you’ve invested in exploring your peak turn-ons, I suspect you’ve glimpsed recurring patterns among varied erotic experiences. But like most people, you’re probably confused about what these patterns mean—or even what to call them.
Borrowing a term from the dramatic arts that everybody understands, sociologists William Simon and John Gagnon have proposed that we name these patterns “sexual scripts.” Furthermore, they insist that our sexual fantasies and activities are influenced by these scripts to a far greater degree than most of us realize. They divide them into three basic types: (1) cultural scripts, (2) interpersonal scripts, and (3) intrapsychic (within the mind) scripts.1
All of us absorb an array of customs and traditions from our cultures, many having to do with sexuality. Invariably included are strong expectations for each gender along with deep-seated ideas about when, where, with whom, how, and how much sex is appropriate. Because cultural scripts are pervasive and begin impinging upon us from our first breaths, they become as much a part of who we are as our native language. Accordingly, they function automatically and are rarely questioned. Even sexual rebels are products of their cultures. They may violate society’s norms and ideals, but they can only stake out their positions in relation to the very standards they’re rejecting.
Whereas cultural scripts are totally disinterested in our individual preferences, interpersonal scripts are very different. Because they develop gradually as we learn the rules of social engagement, first within our families, and later with peers, our personalities play major roles in this learning process. As a result, even in the most restrictive cultures a variety of erotic styles coexist. Even so, members of subgroups within a culture often share a remarkable commonality in how they think about sex, who they consider attractive, and what roles they are drawn to play in sexual interactions.
Intrapsychic sexual scripts are the most idiosyncratic of all. Although inevitably influenced by cultural mores and interpersonal norms, intrapsychic scripts are, first and foremost, expressions of each person’s unique responses to his or her life experience—beginning as a small child. As a result, there are an infinite number of intrapsychic scripts in the world. I’m particularly fascinated by intrapsychic scripts because they reflect the eccentricities of each individual’s erotic mind more so than any other kind. But the sheer volume of these scripts makes it extremely difficult to identify which, if any, common threads connect them. This is why I’ve borrowed another term from the world of drama: themes.
An easy way to distinguish between scripts and themes is to recall the enormously popular television series “Columbo,” still enjoyed in reruns by millions around the world. The theme of the show is always the same: a murder is committed on camera, so we, the viewers, know who did it, how it was done, and the motive for it. We watch the rest of the show not to find out whodunit, but to see how the disheveled lieutenant will identify and corner the killer. This same theme is repeated in every episode, yet the script is always different—new characters, motives, methods, and slip-ups.
Themes are the underlying forms from which scripts unfold. Whereas scripts tend to be detailed, themes are simple and can often be described in a sentence or two, sometimes a single phrase. My studies have led me to conclude that the existence of themes is what gives us that sense of déià vu in our erotic lives. Most of us act out many sexual scripts, but only a few themes.
In this chapter I am going even further by proposing that our most compelling turn-ons are shaped by one unifying scenario that I call the core erotic theme (CET).2 The CET is core because it occupies a place at the heart of each individual’s eroticism. And it’s thematic in the sense that an infinite array of storylines, characters, and plot twists can all be inspired by a simple, yet profoundly meaningful, dramatic concept. If you wish to touch the deepest sources of your eroticism, delve into your CET, for it is the most ingenious invention of your erotic mind.
Your CET begins its long evolution during childhood and is first sketched out in fantasies and daydreams you probably don’t remember. Because these early images almost certainly grew out of impulses and interests considered inappropriate for children, they were veiled in secrecy. Even now you probably still keep certain ultra-personal turn-ons—those that spring from your CET—hidden from other people and quite possibly even from yourself.3 To whatever extent you feel comfortable, take the risk of exploring your CET. Its significance is so vast that even small discoveries about it can be highly revealing and useful.
At the most fundamental level, your CET is an amazingly efficient shorthand encapsulating crucial lessons about which people, situations, and images tend to evoke your most forceful genital and psychic responses. The CET, however, is far more than a mere checklist of what and who turns you on. Its extraordinary power arises from the fact that it links today’s compelling turn-ons with crucial challenges and difficulties from your past. Hidden within your CET is a formula for transforming unfinished emotional business from childhood and adolescence into excitation and pleasure.
The same peak turn-ons that have already yielded so much information about the inner workings of your eroticism are also rich with clues about your CET. As you ponder an exciting experience, looking beyond the captivating details and thrilling sensations, try to see why these experiences were so exciting. Look closely enough and you’ll undoubtedly find subtle reminders of one or more of your most vexatious problems. Although it may seem illogical that exciting sex should have anything to do with life’s unresolved struggles, one of the most important insights you can have about the erotic mind is that high states of arousal flow from the tension between persistent problems and triumphant solutions.
You can enjoy sex without giving any thought to your CET. In most cases the scripts and themes that guide erotic life perform their functions subconsciously. In fact, some people have told me in no uncertain terms that they prefer not to know about the deeper meanings of their hottest turn-ons. I’ve noticed, however, that those who study their CETs consistently develop a new level of respect for their eroticism and a greater ability to understand and influence their sexual choices. This chapter is designed so you can choose the level of awareness that feels most comfortable. You may read it either as an examination of other people’s sexual quirks and eccentricities or as an opportunity to look more closely at your own. I suggest you do both.
Even though your eroticism subtly reflects the challenges you faced while growing up, when you’re caught up in the thrill of escalating arousal and orgasm you aren’t consciously thinking about these problems; your attention is riveted on the pleasures of the moment. The fact that you are excited shows that your CET is working. After all, the purpose of your CET is to use old wounds and conflicts as aphrodisiacs.
The relationship between someone’s CET and his or her difficulties from the past isn’t easy to recognize—a fact I’ve repeatedly encountered as a therapist. Similarly, in spite of The Group’s incredible openness in describing their peak turn-ons, when the Sexual Excitement Survey asks for their ideas about what made these experiences so arousing, most summarize what they’ve already said, without venturing into deeper territory. But some unusually perceptive members of The Group spontaneously offer insightful comments about connections they see between their peak experiences and significant lifelong dilemmas.
Jana: Object of pursuit
Jana, a thirty-seven-year-old public health nurse, describes her fascination with the process of selecting memorable turn-ons. Her curiosity uncovers a common thread of which she had previously been unaware:
I had trouble picking just two exciting encounters so I made a list of them all. It dawned on me that in virtually every case I’m being aggressively pursued by a handsome and determined man. My role is to act rather coy and passive, as if I want them to prove their interest in me through sheer persistence.
I had never seen this so clearly before because I’m usually obsessed with how handsome the man is or how big or strong. I’ve never stopped to question what I’m feeling. But once I saw my taste for being pursued I couldn’t stop thinking about it and even brought the subject up with my therapist.
Most people begin exploring their CETs much as Jana did. First they’ll notice a recurring motif—in Jana’s case, her need to be pursued. Next they become curious about its broader meaning. They wonder, “How has this theme played itself out in my life?” Jana recognizes that similar scenarios interested her as a girl:
I remember the desire to be pursued in sexual fantasies as far back as age eight or nine, maybe before. I use feminine poses to attract a rich and famous man. But because I’m so shy and reserved he’s “forced” to seduce me. Once I surrender he whisks me away on his yacht or horse and I feel chosen and very special. In all my fantasies today, and my best encounters too, I feel exactly the same way.
The imperative of feeling desirable stands out for me because in reality I’ve never seen myself as attractive. On the contrary, I’ve always wished I were as pretty and sophisticated as my older sister. She got all the attention from guys, teachers—everyone. I was an awkward “tomboy” and I believed my parents liked her better. I remember crying myself to sleep over my fate. Now I know intellectually that I’m not ugly, but I still think of myself that way. I’m always trying to fix this by getting men to want me.
If I surrender too quickly it’s not nearly so exciting as when I get the full seduction treatment. It makes me feel feminine and beguiling to be chased. I imagine they can’t resist me. Now that I live with a wonderful man I’m still always waiting for him to initiate sex (which he complains about a lot). It’s hard to admit, but when he comes on to me forcefully it’s almost like getting even with my sister who I both loved and hated for being so damned perfect. When it all works—which it always does in fantasy and occasionally in reality—I’m getting the attention I’ve craved all my life.
As is usually the case, the goal of Jana’s CET is simple and straightforward: to demonstrate her worth by being the object of pursuit. Her CET is a formula for soothing the hurt of perceiving herself as ugly, inferior, second-best. At the same time, her CET reverses the outcome of the painful rivalry she felt with her sister because she wins; now she’s the desired one.
Within its simple framework, a CET brings together all the varied aspects of erotic life we have explored thus far. Notice, for instance, how Jana makes her pursuers surmount obstacles to get to her. Without consciously realizing it she’s been using the erotic equation. In addition, virtually every CET I’ve heard of rests on one or more of the four cornerstones of eroticism. For Jana, the drama of searching for power is played out when she demonstrates her control by “forcing” men to pursue her. By winning the prize of an appealing man, she temporarily conquers her feelings of inferiority.
I’ve consistently noticed that in pursuer-pursued scenarios—among the most common of all CETs—overcoming ambivalence also plays a central role. Although Jana doesn’t say so, I would guess that she experiences ambivalence toward her pursuers similarly to what she always has felt toward her sister. After all, her worth is on the line; she’s at their mercy. In addition, just below the surface of Jana’s story flows a deep undercurrent of longing for the love and respect that came so easily to her sister.
Every CET is also energized by one or more emotional aphrodisiacs. Jana is courageously honest in recognizing that she enjoys a sense of revenge against her sister as her own value is acclaimed. I would also speculate that when it’s unclear if the pursuer will be sufficiently persistent, Jana’s anxiety level escalates considerably.
Not only is the CET a creative strategy for transforming emotional pain into excitation, it’s also an expression of a quest for wholeness and completion. CETs help us select partners who value our strengths and compensate for our weaknesses, crucial aspects of the “chemistry” of attraction. Through a process Dr. Tripp calls “exporting,” our self-esteem is boosted when someone wants what we have to offer. It can be particularly rewarding to be desired for qualities about which we normally feel insecure.
Through a complementary process called “importing,” we zero in on characteristics of the other that fill in our own missing or underdeveloped aspects. Whereas the goal of exporting is personal validation, the purpose of importing is the pursuit of wholeness. When we feel attracted, few of us are consciously thinking, “This person is desirable because he or she exudes the qualities I lack.” But to understand as much as possible about our attractions, we must look at how we feel deficient or out of balance—not always a pleasant task, but an extremely important one.
Claude: Awakening the lioness
It’s easy to see why Claude, an economist in his mid-thirties, feels so good about this peak encounter:
I attended a party where I knew only the host. While sitting in a corner I sported a new arrival, a smartly dressed, petite woman with jet black hair and delicate features. I decided to venture out and introduce myself. She was soft-spoken but friendly and highly intelligent about many topics. We talked until the party was breaking up. Finally, I mustered the courage to invite her home for coffee and she accepted.
After more conversation we began kissing. Her lips were soft and sensuous. Soon we were fondling each other quite freely, still fully clothed. I laid out a comforter in front of the fireplace where we stripped each other as our kissing and groping grew more urgent. Much to my surprise and delight this soft-spoken lady became a lioness in heat. When I sucked her nipples she groaned and writhed. And when I buried my face in her bush she sighed and whimpered and screamed.
Obviously, she was losing control which turned me on immensely. This little doll became overwhelmed with passion. I couldn’t believe I lasted so long because her screams excited me so. It was unbelievable when she came. Her spasms went on and on, rippling through her body like earthquakes. She was the most passionate, loudest, and uninhibited comer I’d ever been with. We repeated an equally noisy romp the next morning. Since then we’ve talked a couple of times on the phone but we never met again. I know I won’t forget her, though.
Judging from this story, Claude’s CET involves being the catalyst for escalating passion in his partner. Millions of men—and more than a few women—can empathize with Claude’s delight at releasing a wild, sex-crazed animal from a reserved, soft-spoken lady. He is exporting masculine erotic vigor. And the fact that his partner responds so enthusiastically confirms his virility:
She might have reacted the same to every guy, but to me her wildness was my personal cheering section. Her screams and moans made me feel like a terrific lover. In fact, all of my best sex has been with women like this—hidden lionesses. My super hard-on and staying power showed how confident she made me.
So common is this theme among men that we could easily decide that no further analysis is necessary. But Claude reveals another dimension to his arousal, one not visible on the surface:
Both in and out of bed I’ve been called the “strong, silent type.” Women always want me to say more about what I feel, to be more passionate and less cool. Even when I come I hardly make a sound. I’ve always picked women who have emotions about everything. I’m sure my attraction has to do with my difficulty expressing myself. It’s almost as if they feel the passion for both of us. I admire these women and wish I could be more like them.
By stimulating a lover to be demonstrative in ways he can’t, he maintains a profoundly exciting contrast with his lovers and exposes himself to characteristics he lacks. As it is with Claude, attractive others are, at least in part, mirrors in whom we perceive underdeveloped or missing aspects of our own personalities. Mature lovers recognize that intimate involvements are opportunities for growing. Through our attachments we can gradually cultivate within ourselves the very characteristics we find so appealing in our partners.
Jana and Claude’s insights demonstrate how much can be revealed by patiently probing your real-life attractions and encounters. There are, however, limitations to this method. It is important to keep in mind that your CET exists and operates internally even when it is expressed externally through your choices of partners and preferred sexual practices. During partner sex your emphasis is on the interplay between you. Unless both of you are unusually forthright in acting out your innermost desires, the niceties of social-sexual interaction can easily divert you from the unedited content of your CET.
Awareness of your CET during partner sex is also limited by the fact that it probably includes one or more aspects you don’t want to act out with a real partner. Quite naturally, you conceal these extremely personal aspects of your CET. In my experience the CET can be most freely explored when it need not be negotiated to mesh with the needs of another. Simon and Gagnon rightly insist that “the sexual dialogue with the other often bears little resemblance to the sexual dialogue with the self.”4
Your CET, with its intimate connection to your deepest and often hidden concerns, has much in common with dreams. Emanating from the subconscious world beyond the constraints of logic, social obligations, and morality, the dream is a canvas upon which anything can be painted. Just as Freud declared the unfettered imagery of dreams to be a “royal road to a knowledge of the unconscious activities or the mind;”5 sexual fantasies and daydreams are the royal road to your CET. When you allow your fantasies free rein, especially the ones you repeatedly gravitate toward during masturbation, “pure” representations of your CET hover closer to consciousness than at any other time.
Perhaps this explains two fascinating findings from the SES. After respondents write about their favorite fantasies, I ask them to estimate the proportion of other arousing fantasies they think are based on similar themes. Almost two-thirds of The Group say that at least 80 percent of all their fantasies closely resemble their favorite one! Equally striking is the fact that almost as large a proportion recall having similar fantasies for ten or more years, often for as long as they can remember. In other words, although fantasy scenarios vary tremendously from person to person, and even within the same person, there is a high degree of repetition when it comes to our most compelling ones—which argues for the influence of an underlying motif.
Those who give themselves permission to examine their fantasies usually find it easier to identify the themes from which those images derive their erotic power. But what if you fantasize very little or not at all? You can still explore, although in subtler form, the dramatic elements that animate your passions by paying close attention to the content of your strongest attractions as well as the features of real-life encounters that produce high levels of arousal.
But before you abandon fantasy as a potentially rich source of information about your CET, I recommend that you reconsider your beliefs about fantasy. In most cases I’ve found that those who think they rarely or never fantasize are similar to people who don’t remember dreaming. They’re simply not in the habit of paying sufficiently close attention. Consider a discussion I had with Lorna, who came to me for therapy because she usually lubricated very little during intercourse with her husband, Mike, resulting in irritation rather than pleasure. She realized her lack of lubrication reflected a lack of arousal, so I asked if she ever used fantasy to help turn herself on:
Lorna: |
I don’t really have sexual fantasies. |
Jack: |
You mentioned you were necking with Mike last week and you felt aroused. What was going through your mind then? |
Lorna: |
Nothing in particular. Just feeling nice—warm and tingly. |
Jack: |
Did you notice any thoughts or feelings along with those wonderful sensations? |
Lorna: |
(after a long silence) Well, I vaguely remember noticing how muscular and hard his back was as I held on. I’ve always liked his muscles. |
Jack: |
What about them? |
Lorna: |
Oh, you know, I like remembering how masculine he was when we first met. He was hairy and big and I soft and naive. I’ve always liked the contrast. |
Jack: |
Did that memory help turn you on? |
Lorna: |
I suppose it did. The differences are still there, even though I’m not as naive anymore. |
Jack: |
Lorna, you may not think so, but what you just described to me is a fantasy. It all took place in your mind. |
Sexy thoughts that aren’t considered fantasy are especially common among women. In Lorna’s case, recognizing that she had fantasies allowed her to focus on the images that turned her on, which in turn gradually increased her arousal and thus her lubrication. As with many people, Lorna’s fantasies were mere snippets of erotic thought, although these fragments grew richer as she acknowledged their existence. Eventually, she discovered that if she imagined herself, innocent and naive, being taken by a strong and virile Mike, her arousal would intensify—quite impressive for a woman who didn’t fantasize!
The amazing capacity of the CET to encapsulate an incredible amount of detail is one reason that Lorna didn’t readily perceive herself as a fantasizer. Her experience demonstrates the importance of erotic cues in our CETs. These cues are extremely subtle and specific, perhaps a particular gesture, a stance, the shape of a single body part, or a certain look. Whenever Lorna focused on Mike’s muscles and hairy body, these characteristics served as a supercondensed shorthand for her fascination with the contrast between masculinity and femininity.
Men and women with active fantasy lives are usually quite familiar with the sorts of partners and situations likely to electrify them. In most cases exceptionally exciting fantasies are closely related to a person’s CET. The challenge is to discover the links between these fantasies and the unfinished emotional business they’re trying to resolve.
Although we’ll focus on just a handful of specific themes in this chapter, it is not my intention to limit what you might discover for yourself. After all, the possibilities are practically limitless.6 I’ve chosen examples that I hope will both pique your interest and demonstrate how the erotic mind is involved in all spheres of life.
To illustrate how fantasy can illuminate a CET’s deeper significance, I want to highlight a theme that I had an opportunity to explore with a client in therapy. An ongoing therapeutic dialogue is often the best avenue for peeling back layers of meaning. This scenario revolves around shocking or overwhelming an unsuspecting partner with a voracious passion that the fantasizer normally keeps hidden. Judging from The Group’s favorite fantasies, as well as those I hear from many other clients, it’s quite a popular concept. But what gives this theme its power to arouse?
Felicia: The nympho within
Considering that CETs begin forming early in our lives, it should come as no surprise that many scenarios revolve around having a secret “alter-ego,” a part of oneself with the freedom to be unabashedly erotic in ways that were impossible as a child. Felicia, a forty-one-year-old social worker, reveals hers:
I invite a proper gentleman over for tea. He’s seen me only in my role as a dedicated professional and assumes this will be just a friendly date. I maintain an air of formality until I can’t wait to let the nymphomaniac in me come out. I casually unbutton my blouse (wearing no bra, of course). He’s obviously taken aback, especially when I move in closer.
“Why don’t I loosen that tie?” I ask, not waiting for a response before I remove it and slowly unbutton his shirt. I can feel his nervous excitement. I gently rub his crotch. “Felicia, I…” he protests, but I cover his mouth as I unzip and go down on him. I’m in total control. He’s under the spell of my expert lips and tongue. When I feel him getting extra hard just before he’s about to come, I stop until he calms down a little.
Then I really get loose, brazenly undressing both of us. I know I’m blowing him away because he never expected this from me. I lay him out on the sofa and fuck him wildly with me on top. I’m holding his arms down, kissing him and rubbing my breasts all over him. Soon he’s thrusting as wildly as I am until I feel him explode inside me.
I keep him inside even after he starts to go soft. I lay still except for licking his nipples. As he starts to rise again I begin moving ever so slightly, milking his dick with my expert vagina. I release his hands so he can rub my clit as we fuck again.
After dressing in silence we both assume our proper roles and I escort him to the door. He doesn’t know what’s hit him but I’m sure he’ll be back for more.
Felicia’s delight in shocking her unsuspecting partner as she reveals the raw energy of her sexuality is common among both sexes, but especially women. She goes on to explain the special significance of letting out what she calls “the nympho within”:
This fantasy has always given me such a thrill because it’s a secret me that hardly anyone sees. I take after my mom who’s always worried what others think. She’s so uptight. But I was a sexy girl, always very interested in naked bodies. I knew by her complete silence on the subject that Mom hated sex. I had no choice but to adopt her demeanor.
On the surface I gave in to her by becoming the perfect child. But I wasn’t about to let her de-sex me! In my fantasies I’m as wild as I want to be. Unfortunately, I wish I could be more that way with my husband. I like sex with him but I’m rather inhibited much of the time. But if it weren’t for my fantasies I’d probably be as asexual as my mom.
Felicia understands the role of her CET: to act out without reservation the eroticism that she suppressed in deference to her mother. Her CET both expresses and solves her predicament as a sexy girl growing up in an antisexual environment. In her secret fantasy life she nurtures erotic vitality while providing an outlet for the repressed aspects of her personality.
We’ve seen how the CET, as a product of the imagination, is often expressed most clearly in fantasy. It’s not unusual, though, for both men and women to use external stimulation such as sexually explicit stories or pictures to ignite their imaginations. If you enjoy these materials, studying the ones that move you may give you valuable insights into the content of your CET.
Visual porn, the most popular kind produced by and for men, is relatively generic in the sense that a succession of sexy acts can serve as erotic cues for a wide range of fantasies. The focus is on raw, unencumbered lust. Toward that end, most male porn makes a point of creating a sleazy atmosphere to set it apart clearly from everyday reality. Also common are variations on themes of dominance and submission, male prowess (symbolized by huge genitals and buckets of semen), and group sex with two or more women, often including sexual interactions between the women—all for the entertainment of the man, of course. But the primary focus is on erogenous zones in states of feverish interaction.
Pornography produced by and for women, while not devoid of wanton lust, sleaze, or power scenes, virtually always has a context. There is a lead-in to generate a mood and anchor the characters in at least a minimal relationship, even if coercion or rape will become part of the story. Although women may want their erotica to have a plot, often a romantic one, research has shown that when it comes to producing genital arousal, explicit sex is what turns women on—just as it does men. But women don’t always realize they’re aroused.7
Erotic materials can only shed light on your CET if they help you pinpoint exactly what arouses you. If the erotica is visual, notice the body types of the characters who fascinate you and contemplate what these bodies represent. What attitudes do the characters exude? What is it about these attitudes that stimulates you? How do the characters interact? What do you imagine they are thinking and feeling? This process works best if you can relate what you see to your own fantasies. For some people, especially men who consistently masturbate to visual porn, explicit images can actually distract them from their CETs. They feel highly turned on but without any idea why.8
Written stories contain more detail and therefore offer greater opportunities for studying specific characters and scenes that coincide with your CET. If the idea appeals to you, select one or more of the many collections of sexy stories or fantasies written by men, women, or both.9 As you read them, notice which ones generate a strong erotic response, without worrying about why. Keep in mind, however, that you are likely to feel arousal in response to many scenes, some of which may surprise you. Just because you’re turned on doesn’t necessarily mean your CET is involved. But once you identify several stories that excite you consistently and powerfully, make a list of features they have in common. This list will contain invaluable clues about your CET.
The long process of learning which feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are acceptable and which are not begins in infancy. During our psychological development we repudiate certain aspects of ourselves that we fear might lead to disapproval or abandonment by those we depend upon for survival. Gradually, images and impulses that are denied conscious recognition coalesce into a portion of the unconscious that Carl Jung aptly named “the shadow.” Although we may try to ignore the shadow, it is a universal dimension of life and therefore of eros.
Having been banished from consciousness, shadow impulses tend to fester, assuming exaggerated and distorted proportions—which is why the shadow so often breaks into consciousness in the form of bizarre or “perverted” sexual fantasies that flagrantly disregard both cultural norms and personal values. Shadow fantasies commonly involve manipulation, exploitation, coercion, and a host of other violations, both large and small. Sexologists now realize that such fantasies are normal expressions of the erotic imagination.
Shadow fantasies, even vile ones, rarely cause harm. Most people don’t really want to act out their darker fantasies, especially in ways that are clearly damaging. But many thoroughly enjoy consensual role playing in which all kinds of violations are reenacted, sometimes complete with elaborate props. Problems most commonly erupt in those who keep the shadow locked away in its unconscious dungeon, thus eliminating any chance for them to reintegrate their rejected aspects into an expanded self-awareness. Jung insisted that learning to accept one’s shadow is absolutely essential for psychological wholeness:
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The later procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.10
The shadow, including its erotic manifestations, holds the key to the whole self, as opposed to the limited self to which most of us have become accustomed. When shadow material is denied an outlet, pressure builds for it to push beyond the safe boundaries of the imagination and become destructive. The shadow is darkest when we refuse to look at it. In this section our goal is to gaze at the shadow of eros to comprehend its motives.
In a remarkable book, Sexual Excitement, psychoanalyst Robert Stoller makes a stunning assertion:
Putting aside the obvious effects that result from direct stimulation of erotic body parts, it is hostility—the desire, overt or hidden, to harm another person—that generates and enhances sexual excitement [italics added]. The absence of hostility leads to sexual indifference and boredom. The hostility of erotism [sic] is an attempt, repeated over and over, to undo childhood traumas and frustrations that threatened the development of one’s masculinity and femininity.11
Stoller’s emphasis on hostility as the motivating force behind high excitement is difficult to accept, although it is a bit easier for us because we have already become familiar with anger as an emotional aphrodisiac. I’m sure you can also see Stoller’s contribution to my concept of the CET as a formula for transforming unfinished emotional business into arousal. However, I disagree with him on several points.
I believe hostility is just one of many emotions that energize our eroticism and not necessarily the most important. In addition, Stoller has little to say about how readily hostility can coexist with, or transform into, positive feelings. Finally, I believe that any threats to our self-esteem—not just those involving gender identity—can become intertwined with our eroticism. But I strongly concur that to understand our deepest erotic impulses, especially our strategies for undoing traumas from the past, we must face our psychic wounds, and with them our hidden desire to avenge ourselves.
Nadine: Turning the tables
Several members of The Group recognize the presence of hostility in their peak turn-ons. Nadine, a graduate student of psychology in her mid-thirties, confronts her shadow as she recounts this fantasy:
I’m a pubescent girl in the care of a middle-aged man I don’t know. He takes good care of me but forces me to have sex with him and his friends and strangers. They examine, fondle, and praise my body parts. They strip me while they’re dressed except for their penises sticking out. They touch and prod me everywhere—my mouth, ass, pussy. Some squeeze my breasts while others are jacking off and coming all over me. Before long I’m dripping with semen.
I have to be available at all times to be taken and used by this man or anyone else he pleases. These are always rough, disgusting men. I am naked and totally exposed. I vary my fantasies as much as possible. Sometimes we are on trains, in back alleys, or even in hidden caverns of a church. The men are interchangeable because I don’t care about their faces. But I always feel forced and exposed. In this sense my fantasies are essentially the same as when I first imagined being kidnapped by pirates as a little girl.”
For at least twenty-five years Nadine’s CET has drawn its energy from her being overpowered, exposed, and used by distasteful men. When she offers her ideas about the meaning of her fantasy, she first mentions a paradox we have encountered before: her tormentors demonstrate her desirability by being so turned on by her that they must have and use her; they can’t help themselves. Her complete submission also places her at the center of attention. Nadine has additional insights about the key themes of helplessness and exposure:
The submission idea has always held a great appeal. As a girl I obviously couldn’t be responsible for such disgusting wishes so I always needed outside aggressors to make things happen. I suppose this is a prime reason why I prefer to be a budding young woman in my fantasies, supposedly innocent—but not really, of course.
But more than being overpowered I relish the exposure, having every part of me examined in detail. In a strange way, this scrutiny reminds me of the hours I used to spend examining myself as a girl, usually feeling horrible about being overweight and obsessed with zits and other imperfections. Going to school was an ordeal because I couldn’t hide my fat or face. I worried about teasing far more than it actually happened. In my fantasy I’m trim and gorgeous. Even though I haven’t been fat since my teens, I still feel that way.
I see how many problems get handled through this scene, though I know it appears to be torture and abuse. I feel so hot and sexy and wonderfully helpless and everyone does what I want. My “caretaker” sets up everything for me and makes me feel safe, even though I don’t know him because I would never bring anyone who knows me into a fantasy like this.
I’m not sure why I pick such gross men. I don’t like macho guys, preferring more sensitive ones. These are the men I love but not the ones who excite me in fantasy. I think it has to do with how much I resent the way macho types see women only as sex objects. Maybe it’s odd that I love being an object in fantasy. But I’m actually making them objects—I give them no real identity of their own. They are simply the tools of my pleasure—dispensable nobodies.
Through self-analysis Nadine has stumbled upon one of the most widespread shadow themes—and one of special interest to Dr. Stoller—dehumanization. He has described how the hostile imagination often robs its objects of their personhood. In a sense, Nadine’s coarse men are fetish objects whom she can manipulate by having them manipulate her. In the process her pain is magically transformed into excitement.
But is she healed by her turn-on or simply repeating the same old story and paying a higher price for the privilege than she realizes? How can anyone who wants to be treated so badly possibly feel good about herself? These and other questions will occupy us in Part II, “Troublesome Turn-ons.” One thing I know: many people are healed—at least temporarily—by such fantasies. They wouldn’t be nearly so widespread if they didn’t have much to offer.
Two centuries ago, the infamous Marquis de Sade laid out his dark vision of sex and human nature in a deliberately odious collection of novels, plays, and essays that remain the quintessential literature of the sexual shadow. In his provocative book Dark Eros, Thomas Moore describes Sade’s unsavory aesthetic:
Sade seems to have fixed his vision on this underworld with the tenacity and intensity you might find in mystical literature. He approaches humankind’s love of evil with the devotion and faithfulness of a saint, and so with good reason he has been called “The Divine Marquis.”12
Sade’s hatred of convention and sentimentality is not just personal misanthropy. It is a positive recognition of the dangers of pleasantness taken to the extreme and made into a rule. Sade’s leather straps reflect as in a mirror the ways in which the conventional world can handcuff a life.13
In the Sadian aesthetic, as is so often the case in the shadow world, the usual order of things is reversed. He revels in everything considered disgusting, perverse, or depraved: cruelty is a virtue, degradation is a sacred act, feces are objects of enthusiasm, and pain is pleasure.
Sade is best known for a form of kinky sex that bears his name—sadism, which is one side of a unitary phenomenon known as sadomasochism (S-M in popular parlance). Sadomasochists create a unique kind of erotic intensity by inflicting and/or receiving physical or emotional pain. The pain may range from very mild to extreme but it always symbolizes eroticized power, a combination with which we have become familiar. Most S-M impulses are expressed in fantasy, but many are also acted out in role playing—often with paraphernalia such as whips or any of a variety of devices for bondage, restraint, and punishment.
Some of the pain inflicted or enjoyed in wild sex is simply a response to escalating passions. Not only might you feel inclined to bite, scratch, pinch, or slap when highly aroused, but at the same time, you’re less likely to be hurt by these activities because your pain threshold actually goes up in the heat of passion. In other words, things that would normally hurt can feel terrific when you’re excited. You may discover extra intense sensation at the changeable boundary between pleasure and pain. This intensity doesn’t necessarily have much to do with S-M. However, if you’ve ever enjoyed the point at which pleasure and pain begin to blur, you’ll probably find it a bit easier to understand how pain can become a turn-on.
Like all CETs, S-M scenarios are primarily concerned with the resolution of childhood conflicts and hurt. But instead of addressing hurtful problems in disguised or subtle ways as most CETs do, sadomasochism turns the spotlight on pain and provides two complementary strategies for mastering it.
The sadist takes command of his or her psychic wounds by skillfully administering pain to an enthusiastic recipient. The sadist is spared the discomfort of the hurt and is also gratified and subconsciously relieved to observe that the masochist clearly likes it. Old wounds are simultaneously avenged and transformed into an erotic high. The sadist is beyond merely being safe and has the illusion of omnipotence.
For many people the allure of masochism is incomprehensible. Yet sexologists have long recognized that more people imagine or play the masochistic role than the sadistic role, a preference that is clearly evident in The Group’s peak turn-ons. What could anyone possibly gain from being hurt or humiliated? And if resolving pain is a chief goal of our CETs, why would someone seek it out? Dr. Stoller explains a crucial piece of the puzzle:
Masochism is a technique of control, first discovered in childhood following trauma, the onslaught of the unexpected. The child believes it can prevent further trauma by reenacting the original trauma. Then, as master of the script, he is no longer a victim; he can decide for himself when to suffer pain rather than having it strike without warning.14
The notion that masochistic scenarios help participants seize control of early trauma is supported by the fact that masochists frequently report feeling validated and powerful—just the opposite of what you might expect. Psychologists who have analyzed S-M dynamics have noted that the masochist is the true master, often aggressively choreographing the entire encounter.15
Interestingly, The Group doesn’t report any peak experiences, not even fantasies, in which they enjoy inflicting physical pain on their partners. For reasonably healthy people, actually hurting someone is rarely, if ever, a peak experience. Symbolically hurting them, however, is a different matter altogether.
Web: Defiling innocence
The erotic imagination is fascinated by the contrast between innocent purity and wanton violations. Not only does the ravisher require an unspoiled object, but the unjaded freshness of naive, virginal characters seems to cry out to be defiled. And if you believe urges to trample on innocence are solely the invention of depraved adults, think again. When The Group recalls their earliest fantasies, many of the most common, especially among women, involve being corrupted by faceless strangers or virtuous authority figures, such as priests, nuns, teachers, or doctors.
The joy of defilement is at the center of Web’s favorite fantasy. This sixty-one-year-old retired executive is aware of the all-important reciprocity between the defiler and the defiled:
The fantasy that stirs me most is a scene where a young virgin confides in me about a problem with her overhorny boyfriend. I tell her I will only help her if she follows my directions without question. She agrees. I tie her against a pillar and slowly caress her while she both protests and groans.
Then I shock her by ripping off her cute little dress, tossing it on the floor in a shredded heap. I like that she’s afraid but I reassure her with my eyes and a slight smile. She surrenders completely and her body comes alive with pleasure. As her teacher I fuck her mercilessly—but also with love.
As is so often the case, at the dramatic moment when reticence is transformed into enthusiastic compliance, a burst of erotic energy is released. Web shows considerable insight into what he’s doing and why:
In a way I’m reliving my younger years and all the frustration I felt about being sexually restrained as a child and then later with sexually uptight girls (back then virginity was popular). In my fantasy, I’m obviously manipulating and mistreating her. But I’m also worshipping the purity I must destroy so she can become the woman I crave.
His CET is animated by a complex concoction of hostility, revenge, and an abiding affection. The central dilemma is Web’s love-hate relationship with innocence, which simultaneously attracts and frustrates him. Through years of experimentation he has perfected an imaginative formula in which this long-standing conflict generates high erotic intensity. He begins with the unspoiled purity that fascinates him—a slut, of course, would never do. But instead of feeling rejected by innocence as he has in the past, he corrupts it. And through the defilement, passion is released in both participants. Web’s CET is touched by the shadow but is neither cruel nor malicious.
Margo: The joy of humiliation
The paradox of masochism, wherein one finds pleasure and empowerment by being put down or humiliated by a sadistic partner, is evident in a peak encounter described by Margo, an articulate, introspective sexual adventurer who has been earning her way through college as an erotic dancer:
I often perform at bachelor parties and am excited all evening, like constant foreplay. I am very sensual and love it, although I understand the difference between sexual tit-illation and love and sex with my boyfriend. One evening I was uncontrollably turned on by a guy at a party (instead of my usual “tease” which has a certain distance to it).
He was gorgeous, an arrogant, sexy, cold model—exactly the type I dislike, so egotistical and smug in his sexiness. But it was pure animal attraction and I felt a surge of energy. All night I came back to him and when I kissed him it was real and everyone in the place could see it. Later I loved it when he grabbed my hand and dragged me (no words spoken) into a storage room and watched—detached—as I went down on him. I was drawn to his icy ways, to his restrained aggression, and to his incredible physical beauty.
After the party, he brought me home to his bed and denied me his cock, although I knew he wanted me. I felt extreme passion in the denial. He treated me coldly like the whore I wanted to be. He held my head down and spoke to me in the language of hot, hot lust. “I want your juicy cunt you nasty bitch,” he said with disdain. It was egotistical sex, two people flattering and demeaning each other. I was slave and master.
When I got home very late and told my boyfriend I had “slipped,” he was so angry and completely disgusted he turned cold. It hurt to be treated that way but I was also incredibly excited when he ordered me to get down on my knees and said, “Did he like how you suck cock, too?” It was emotional S-M and much more exciting than actual physical bondage ever could be.
I liked the freedom to experience the dark side of myself. To be a whore, just a body, fulfilling each other’s nastiest fantasies. I wanted to be hurt, denied, insulted and he wanted control.
Judging by the intensity of her response, we can reasonably assume that Margo’s CET energizes these encounters. But what unseen needs make Margo enjoy a double dose of humiliation and mistreatment? Is this the price she must pay for being a sex-crazed erotic dancer? If so, she shows barely a trace of suffering. Instead the hostility of her cold and arrogant customer, and later the retaliatory anger of her boyfriend, both open the door to her shadow, apparently the home of her raw, animal lust.
With its melodramatic flair, her story is vintage S-M. Although she obviously gravitates toward the masochistic end of the continuum, Margo is far from helpless. Not only does she tease her audience with detached assurance, she also effectively targets and draws out the sadism of her aloof customer. Consider too how she sets up her boyfriend. Why would she tell him of her slip if not to provoke him? Her confession is strategic. By stirring up his anger, she forces him to punish her by replaying the whole scenario. She ends up the eager “victim” of two angry men, yet she has transformed their hostility—and undoubtedly her own as well—into a secret source of dark passion.
Her CET is clearly concerned with mastering and choreographing her own humiliation with consummate skill. Margo provides us with only a few small clues about why she has become so brash and shrewd at creating what looks like abuse. She hints at being sexually used by at least one important man in her life, mentions her determination to be as unlike her passive mother as possible, and confesses that learning to be sexually “out there” didn’t come easily. But most telling of all is her concluding comment: “Ever since I learned about my hidden sex power I’ve felt confident and safe.”
The concept of finding pleasure and safety in humiliation is contrary to the direct validation most of us look for in sex and thus, for many, is impossible to comprehend. But Margo is far from unique. Those who find ways to satisfy their masochistic desires—perhaps by hiring a prostitute to humiliate or degrade them (it’s one of the most common requests men make), convincing a lover to act out an S-M scene, or constructing a private fantasy—almost invariably report a rush of affirmation. Through sleight of hand—more accurately, sleight of mind—the skillful choreography of painful scenarios makes their sting sweet.
People are fascinated by the idea of an ultra-personal scenario underlying each individual’s eroticism. Whenever I lecture about CETs I always leave plenty of time for the insightful questions and comments that invariably arise. Audiences especially want to know more about how CETs work in everyday life. This sampling of questions and answers touches on fundamental issues.
I think I understand the idea of a CET, but no matter how hard I try I can’t figure mine out. Does everyone have one?
I believe each person’s eroticism is shaped, to some degree, by recurring themes. But don’t be concerned if you can’t identify yours. Keep in mind that CETs typically operate, if not completely unconsciously, then at the edges of awareness. And there are other reasons that you might be having trouble. Many CETs are extremely subtle and easily missed. As a woman, you may have learned to focus on your partner’s needs and preferences rather than on yours.
Also, women are particularly prone to feeling uncomfortable with the lusty urges expressed, unvarnished, in their CETs. Especially if you’re a person who doesn’t masturbate very much, or doesn’t use fantasy to turn yourself on, you may have limited direct experience with the scenarios that produce strong genital responses.
There’s no reason why you have to recognize your CET—unless you repeatedly gravitate toward sexual situations you don’t like or that harm you in some way. If your sex life is fine, just enjoy it. If, however, you’d like to understand your turn-ons better, make a conscious decision to pay more attention to the images that accompany your arousal. Whatever you do, don’t struggle with this process. Take your time and have some fun with it.
You seem to be saying we’re slaves to our CETs. Do I have any choice about who or what turns me on?
Your CET isn’t a prison. It’s merely a framework for the creation of arousing scripts based on dilemmas from your childhood and adolescence. As your CET has evolved over the years, you’ve already made a number of choices that have contributed to its form and texture. Even now you regularly choose whether to embrace your CET—by trying out new variations, for example—or to fight or downplay it.
You raise a crucial question about the sphere of free will, something philosophers and psychologists will never stop debating. On the one hand, if you’ve ever fallen head over heels in love or been overcome by lust, you’ve surely noticed that these experiences happened to you. Your choices are limited to surrendering to or running from your desires. The only people who can honestly claim to be completely free agents in matters of eros are those who have shielded themselves from its risks—at the cost of limiting their pleasures.
In eroticism, as in life, free choice increases with consciousness. One of the major benefits of identifying your CET is that once you know what it is, how it formed, and what it’s trying to accomplish, you can begin to work with it and coax it in directions consistent with where you wish to go. Those who simply act out their impulses blindly are the least free of all.
I’m turned on by all kinds of people and situations. Can a person have many different CETs?
Some people clearly respond to more than one erotic scenario. It’s not unusual for someone to have a particular script for one type of partner, a completely differently kind for someone else, and still other scenarios reserved strictly for fantasy. As you know, CETs revolve around the challenges and wounds of early life. I’ve known people who appeared to have quite a collection of CETs, each addressing a different issue. Most of us, however, tend to zero in on one or two. One reason CETs have such power is that they are highly specific and focused.
To help you decide if you have one or many CETs, ask yourself some questions: Might there be a common thread you haven’t yet recognized that subtly links the varied partners and situations that arouse you? Is it possible, for example, that your love of variety is itself a key feature of your CET? Might you be saying through your behavior, “I’m a sex fiend who can’t be controlled”?
My favorite sex scene—which has to do with “servicing” someone who is completely indifferent to me except for my genitals—is obvious to me in casual sex and fantasy but seems totally irrelevant with my girlfriend. Could I have a part-time CET?
This is an extremely important point: sexual scenarios, even well-established ones, may be activated only under certain conditions. You’ve mentioned the three situations that are most likely to elicit noticeably different responses: fantasy, casual encounters, and intimate involvements. Like you, many men and women report that the CETs that are obvious during fantasy or in purely lusty encounters seem to disappear when they become emotionally involved.
This effect is particularly evident during early limerence, when the joy of the romantic bond becomes the ultimate aphrodisiac. Later on, however, as romantic passions cool, many find themselves missing the intensity. Some return to their CET in fantasy, either during masturbation or possibly while having sex with their lovers. But some find this awkward, especially if the flavor of the CET seems incompatible with tender feelings—which appears to be the case for you. Consider yourself fortunate that you are able to enjoy the theme of turning on an indifferent lover without having to find that lover in real life.
Sometimes I’m so horny that any halfway attractive woman will do. But if I get what you’re saying, my CET should make me more selective than I am. Surely I’m not the only horny guy out there.
Rest assured you’re in good company. Your CET outlines a framework for special turn-ons, not all turn-ons. Many people, especially men, would agree with you that their selectivity declines noticeably as horniness increases. There’s no denying that some encounters are simply a means of releasing pent-up sexual tension, almost like scratching an itch. But haven’t you come across women who stir qualitatively different passions in you? If you have, I bet you suddenly become far more selective, no matter how horny you are.
I used to have a thing for aggressive, cold men, but now they bore me. Did my CET change?
Perhaps. I agree with Simon and Gagnon when they say, “Few individuals, like few novelists or dramatists, wander far from the formulas of their most predictable successes?”16 On the other hand, people definitely grow. The change in your attractions away from aggressive men may represent a shift in your attitudes toward yourself and a corresponding adjustment in your CET. Or maybe you’ve been hurt too many times by cold men and are determined to protect yourself.
CETs normally don’t change radically. I doubt, for example, that you’ll ever be drawn to passive, emotionally effusive men—although anything’s possible. Most likely, you’ll continue to appreciate a certain amount of aggressiveness and emotional reserve in a lover. But perhaps you now also require an all-important increase in warmth and affection. One more thing: it’s certainly conceivable that you’ll continue fantasizing about cold men, even though they bore you in reality. I mention this possibility because people often get upset when ingrained fantasies don’t keep pace with their evolving attractions.
I’m afraid if I uncover too much about my CET I’ll ruin it. Could this happen? Also, do I have to tell my spouse about my CET?
I wish I could give you the unequivocal reassurance you seek. But alas I must remind you that expanding consciousness is risky. You might, for example, be shocked by certain images that lurk, unrecognized, in the hidden recesses of your erotic mind. On the other hand, chances are slim that you will be confronted with anything you aren’t ready to handle. Your mind knows when not to notice. Implied in your question is the realization that you can, at least to some degree, decide whether to see—and how much, how fast, how clearly, or how deeply to absorb your impressions. Experimentation is the watchword.
That said, I must also stress that expanding consciousness has a way of changing things—ultimately, I believe, for the better, but often not before shaking everything up. What if the original purpose of your CET was to convert a conflict from your early life into excitement? If you faced that conflict head-on and worked it through, you might no longer need your CET—at least not in the same way. But I doubt your CET would be totally ruined. Most likely you’d simply modify it or change how you use it.
As to telling your spouse about your CET, here I can be unequivocal: you don’t have to. As we will see in Chapter 9, it may be in your interest to let a partner know something about what turns you on. But your CET itself is private. You, and only you, should decide when and if you want to discuss it.
Because your CET develops gradually in response to pivotal situations, in a sense it chooses you rather than you choosing it. This means you may not feel good about everything it contains, especially any shadow material that may have become a part of it. While it is clear that CETs are influenced by cultural norms, they also refuse to be limited by propriety. By nature your CET is untamed, primitive.
For these and other reasons it is all too easy to mistrust or reject your CET. However, if you go to the trouble of uncovering it only to criticize what you discover, you’ll do yourself a terrible disservice. CETs hide from the light of full consciousness to protect themselves from such judgments. If you choose to see your CET, your erotic well-being requires that you honor it. Even scenarios that appear depraved and without redeeming qualities are engaged in important emotional work and deserve your respect.
However, as we shall see in Part II, not all CETs bring joyous results. Some troublesome turn-ons prompt us to continue acting out unfulfilling or destructive patterns that may preclude intimacy or undermine self-esteem. The healing impulses of the CET can go haywire and end up hurting us in exactly the areas in which they are trying to help.
One thing you should always remember: CETs speak the primal language of the erotic mind. Learn this language, and you will know the sources of passion.