That Friday afternoon the wind was up on the water and white caps rolled across the sound as the ferry made its way out of Eagle Harbor and turned east. To the north I saw the rhythmic turning over of dorsal fins and the light exhaling spray from a small pod of dolphins; it’s always good to see dolphins. The wind was cool enough to keep me inside, and I was pondering what to do on the show. My thoughts settled on an exercise I had used in workshops before: asking participants to relate in some detail their first sexual experience. Generally, it stirred some good memories and had something to do with their attitudes about their sexual life now.
“That’s a great idea,” Sid said. Sid was in the studio with Elaine. “I think it will get people involved.”
“I like it too,” Elaine said. “Maybe we can get Sid to call in.” This produced a long, loud laugh from Sid.
“First of all it would get me in big trouble with you-know-who; second, that happened somewhere in the Jurassic Period.” We all laughed and Sid turned as if to go. He stopped and turned to face me. “But seriously, Rex, I think you’re doing a great job. The show has moved steadily up in its time period and—this surprised me—I’m hearing great comments from my colleagues. I think they may be envious.”
“Thanks, Sid,” I said. “I’m enjoying it, and I think we’re building some kind of trust with the listeners.”
“Good for you, Rex, good for you.” He turned and left the studio. Elaine, smiling a big satisfied grin, punched me in the shoulder.
“How about that, big boy? And all from a fender bender on the ferry.”
“Thanks to you, Elaine. I owe you a lot.”
“And don’t think I won’t collect on it. Gimme a low five.” We slapped hands at knee level and she walked away still smiling.
***
The first caller was a woman with a very pretty voice, full, steady, and laced with feeling. She could have been a singer.
“I don’t know if this qualifies, Rex, but here’s my first sexual experience, and it’s one that sticks with me to this day. It’s still pleasant, and I can see it in detail.”
“Sounds great.”
“My family and I were going on a big picnic a ways away from our home in Hawaii, on the big island. I was eleven and pretty independent. I loved where we lived and really enjoyed my time in the outdoors. So the picnic was at a beach about a mile away from our home, and I talked my mom into letting me ride our horse from our house to the picnic. He was a big white horse with a pink nose, and he and I had practically grown up together. I named him ‘Charles.’ The rest of the family went on ahead in the car, and I jumped up on Charles and headed for the beach. I almost never used a saddle and loved the feeling of Charles’ broad back and warm hair on my legs. About halfway there I became aware of a feeling in my young genitals, a kind of buzzing. Pretty soon, that buzzing feeling radiated up into my abdomen, and then it moved out onto my inner thighs. The sun was warm on my face, Charles was walking along at a nice, even pace, and the birds were singing like crazy. That hum, Rex, in my lower body was one of the best feelings I have ever had. It just said peace, joy, pleasure, and excitement all at the same time. I must have ridden on like that for another fifteen minutes, thoroughly enjoying myself, in some kind of trance. I was in no hurry to arrive, I’ll tell you that. When I got there, Dad came over to help me get down, and I said pretty strongly, “No, Dad, I’m staying on a while.” They couldn’t get me off. Eventually that feeling subsided, and I slipped down off Charles and joined my family at the picnic. It was some kind of passage for me, some kind of shift from innocent young girl to aware young woman. I had a distinct, very pleasurable idea of what I was going to feel like as a woman, and I absolutely loved it.”
“Wow. That’s a terrific story. Thank you so much for sharing it.”
“My pleasure, Rex, my pleasure.”
There were two lights on now. I pushed the one of the left.
“Hey Rex, how are you?”
“I’m good. What’s on your mind tonight?”
“Sharing something with you.” Her voice was young, relaxed, and pleasant. “I’m not sure why but your whole program is encouraging to me, and I want to add to it.”
“Excellent. Go ahead.”
“OK, I’m Asian-American and I’ve been in this country since I was fourteen. I’m now in my twenties, and I want to share my first sexual experience with you.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” And I meant it. Something in her voice was soothing and attractive.
“I’m going to speak in the present tense because it helps take me back there. I am twelve and I am all dressed up in a frilly white dress. My mother takes me to a function in our church, and as we enter I see my girlfriend and she has on a frilly blue dress. We’re kind of like twins but just a slightly different color. All the adults are milling around talking about the usual things, and my friend and I go over to a big table that is filled with desserts for the evening. We haven’t eaten dinner yet, but that doesn’t matter to my friend and me. We are eyeing the chocolates. Are you following me?”
“Of course. The plot thickens.” I was in love with this young woman.
“Yes. So just then both of our mothers come over and say, you know, the usual parent message: ‘Don’t you girls touch those chocolates. We have to eat our dinners first.’
“So we nod and move aside. Our mothers go back to chatting with each other. We stand there for a moment and our eyes meet, my girlfriend and me, and we reach for the chocolates. We scoop up big handfuls of milk chocolates and caramels and chocolate cookies. Sensing that we would be caught, we sneak out of the big dining room and discover some stairs that lead down to the basement of the church. Boy, this is emotional just talking to you about it.”
“I can hear that.”
“So we creep quietly down the stairs and find an old sofa in the corner of the basement room. It’s kind of chilly, I remember. We sit on the small couch and begin to eat our stolen chocolate. We can hear the adults upstairs, scuffling around, and talking. We feel so ‘naughty,’ I guess, is the word. Sneaking off alone, disobeying our parents, which in our culture was a big deal, and stuffing ourselves with this hoard of chocolate. Anyway, we couldn’t eat it all, but we certainly eat enough. I look at her and see that her mouth is ringed with chocolate. She even has a dab on the tip of her nose. So, Rex, I move a little closer to her and lean over and kiss her sweet lips, her brown, smeared-with-chocolate lips. I’m just drawn to her like a magnet, and she responds. We don’t really know what we’re doing—I think now—but who knows? I sit back and look her in the eyes, and slowly, we begin to laugh. We quickly grow quiet, not wanting to draw attention from upstairs. We sit back on the sofa and then she turns to me and kisses me, full in the mouth with her tongue. Both of our mouths, of course, are still hanging on to a lot of chocolate, and needless to say, it is the best kiss either of us has ever experienced. We didn’t eat any more chocolate, but we kiss some more, and eventually we creep back up the stairs and try to merge with the adults.”
“Wow.” I realized I had been holding my breath. “What happened next?”
“Funny you should ask. We are now together in Seattle, and she is right here next to me. It’s been a long, strange trip, but a sweet one.”
“And you’re eating chocolate?”
“God, that would be too much, wouldn’t it? We should have planned that.”
“Well, thank you so much from the bottom of my chocolate heart for sharing with us tonight.”
“You’re welcome and sweet dreams.”
I smiled and punched in the next caller.
“Rex, this is Doug. I’ve got a story for you.”
“Great, shoot.”
“OK. My girlfriend and I were just out of high school and headed in different directions. We lived in San Diego at the time; both of us had grown up there, in Del Mar and Pacific Beach. Her name was Dawn and she loved animals, just as I did. She was headed for vet school in Iowa and I had snagged a job at the San Diego Zoo. Anyway, we’d been together since our junior year and loved each other for those two and a half years, but we both had accepted the fact that our lives were taking different paths. Up ’til this time, we’d done a lot of heavy petting but had never done the deed. So, one night in July, we agreed it would be a damn shame if we didn’t consummate this relationship, and we planned a night to do just that. I had an old Chevy pickup truck and we put our air mattress in the back, threw in a down comforter, and grabbed a six-pack of beer. It was Grolsch, that beer from Holland; I remember that. Then we drove out to La Jolla and went out on the cliffs overlooking Black’s Beach. It was west of UCSD, but the land out there then was mostly tumbleweed, Scotch broom, and rabbits. Once we found a good spot, we turned the back of the truck to the west and looked out over the vast Pacific Ocean. Down to the left was the La Jolla coastline. So we were pretty primed and got into it quickly. Our lust and the pressure of two years of petting just poured out of us and it was over pretty quickly. But we opened a cold beer, talked a little, and went at it again. And then a third time. Each time we got slower and more attentive to each other. I know for sure that the poignancy of leaving each other colored the whole evening. Finally we just sat back with our backs against the cab of the truck, opened another beer, and watched the sky fill with stars. There was a slight breeze coming in from the ocean and when it hit the cliffs, the wind just headed straight up. Just as we were about to leave, we heard this creaky, fluffy sound over our heads. It was about ten pelicans, coasting south, riding the updraft, just as peaceful and easy as could be. It was a wonderful moment really. To me it was an affirmation that we were going to be all right; that if we did it right, we would just ride that updraft to where we were going. A month later she was off to Iowa and I was picking up after camels. I saw her a few years later, but things had changed. I’m left with a beautiful memory of my first time, and I know she is too.”
“Doug, that was lovely. I hope you’re doing well now.”
“Thanks, Rex. I’ve moved on from pooper-scooping to high finance, and I’m married with two kids. Thanks for hearing me out.”
I felt very grateful at that moment, that people like Doug, the chocolate eaters, and the Hawaiian horseback rider allowed me a glimpse into their lives. And there was another call waiting.
“Hey, this is Rex, the sex guy. What’s keeping you up?”
“Hello, Dr. Rex, this is Jennifer.”
“Hello, Jennifer, welcome.”
“I have a not-so-pretty story for you. I figured you’d get the romantics and the young people in love stories, but I have one that needs to be told too.”
“Go right ahead.” I heard fear and pain in her voice.
“I’m nineteen and I live in Kirkland with my boyfriend. He’s the only other person I’ve told this story too, so this is kind of . . . experimental. I was twelve. My parents and I lived down near Olympia in a little cottage. My dad worked on the gardens at the state capitol and my mom mostly stayed home as a housewife, but she did some house cleaning, baby sitting—things like that. My mom and dad used to have parties at the house, for holidays and birthdays. They liked to entertain. One of their regular guests was my uncle, my father’s brother, and on this particular night, my twelfth birthday, he came into my room after I’d gone to bed.”
I could hear her voice shaking. “How am I doing so far?”
“You’re doing fine, Jennifer.” This was already breaking my heart.
“So, first he started rubbing my back, which was a little odd, but it didn’t scare me. Then he started rubbing my butt, just lightly stroking it. I turned around to look him in the face, and he pushed me back down and put his finger to his lips. I remember that he smelled like a big, stinky cigar. It was all over him. Then he started to rub my breasts. I had little tiny breasts; they were just starting. I could hear his heavy breath. Then he rubbed my stomach and then my pubic area. I tried to sit up to get out of bed, but he pushed me back down, smiling at me as he did it. Then. Then he put his big old hairy finger in me and pushed. I cried out and he stopped, but for just a minute, then put it in deeper. He was breathing really hard, and he just left his finger in me. I started to cry. I tried to hold it in, but I couldn’t. I just started crying and shaking. After a few minutes he just got up and left the room.
“That same thing happened three or four more times that year. Then my parents moved to Green Lake and we didn’t see my uncle as much. I never told them, and I think it was because—get this—I didn’t want to get my uncle in trouble. I thought my dad would probably kill him or something close to that. So, anyway, Dr. Rex, that is the story of my first time. You know, until this day, I can’t let my boyfriend get close to me if he smells like tobacco. It just freaks me out.
“I guess I wanted everyone to know that sex isn’t that great for some people; not that it can’t be, in the future I mean, but for now it’s still a little scary for me.”
I went with what was happening in me at the moment and I never know if that’s going to be “the right thing” to say.
“Jennifer, I am so impacted by your story and by the courage it took for you to call. I know this kind of thing goes on in our society, but the risk you took and your openness is just very impressive.”
“Thank you. It wasn’t easy. My boyfriend is here with me, holding me right now.”
“I’m so happy to hear that. And honestly it’s not easy for me to hear. I have a daughter a little younger than you are, so this hits close to home, really close to home.
“One more thing, Jennifer, actually two: I want you to know how you have helped young women out there by saying all this publicly. You have raised awareness and given courage to some. I have no doubt of that. Second, if you need help, ever, in coming to terms with this in your life, I hope you know there is help out there. As close as this phone.”
“Thanks, Rex. That feels good. I think I’ll say goodnight now.”
“Goodnight, Jennifer. Thank you.”
The ferry ride home that night was long, rainy, and dark. I played the call from Jennifer over in my mind and thought about Dorothy and her project. I couldn’t wait to get home and hug my girl.
What have I learned?
I have witnessed and admired the courage and resiliency of a young woman and gained even more respect for young women everywhere.