SKILL 1
Self-Regard
Simply defined, self-regard indicates how good we feel about ourselves. It also reflects our ability to accept ourselves warts and all. Webster’s (1993) dictionary defines self-regard as “consideration of oneself or one’s own interests.” In contrast, it defines self-esteem as “a confidence and satisfaction in one’s self: self-respect.”
Self-regard is demonstrated when we like ourselves, can accept our good parts and more challenging parts, and present ourselves with dignity. “Feeling sure of oneself is dependent on self-respect and self-esteem, which are based on a fairly well developed sense of identity. A person with good self-regard feels fulfilled and satisfied with himself/herself. At the opposite end of the continuum are feelings of personal inadequacy and inferiority” (Bar-On, 2002, p. 15).
WHY SHOULD WE CARE ABOUT SELF-REGARD?
This is obviously a bit like asking, “Why should I care about myself?” Self-regard is a critical competency because, without a well-integrated identity that allows you to know and respect yourself, there is no way you can ever participate authentically in life, be truly reliable in work or love, or fully express all the gifts you have to give. A lack of self-regard often indicates feelings of uncertainty and insecurity, an unwillingness to venture out into one’s own world and explore it with appropriate reality testing.
In his research, Bar-On (2000, p. 374) found that self-regard emerged “as one of the most powerful predictors of competent behavior.”
Stand in front of the mirror. Look deep in your eyes. Call your name out loud with authority three times, then be silent and feel yourself show up! Now clap wildly and bow.
How worthy or unworthy you feel about receiving good in your life results from a blend of ingredients that includes your experiences, values, attitudes, behaviors, and expectations. You will perceive these conditions more or less accurately, depending on how honest and self-aware you are.
Where emotional self-awareness reflects how well you know your feelings, think of self-regard as how well you know, and like, the whole constellation of features that combine to make up who you are. This is determined to a large degree by how congruently you express your values and desires through your external behavior. Because much of your motivation to move toward some things and away from others is unconscious, building healthy self-regard must include a process of ongoing self-exploration so that you can continue to discover more of your full self and give more complete expression to the whole you.
The overlap with emotional self-awareness demonstrates the deep integration of all sixteen factors of the EQ-i2.0®. Other examples that illustrate this deep interconnectedness between skills include the way in which self-regard relates to problem solving and assertiveness. It is not possible to hold oneself in the highest regard if one is unsuccessful in solving problems in one’s life or unable to assert one’s desires with sufficient strength to satisfy them. Reciprocally, as one strengthens his or her self-regard, his or her problem-solving and assertiveness skills may also strengthen.
As self-regard is one of the most powerful predictors of competent behavior, then the benefits of its development will include an expanding knowledge of identity that is richer, more flexible, more confident, and more secure. As we continue to build increasingly positive self-regard, we expand our capacity to enjoy our lives and be of service to others.
STAR PERFORMERDoris Lessing is a self-educated writer who was born to British parents in what is now Iran. She was raised in colonial Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe, and lives in London. She is a writer extraordinaire and winner of the Nobel Prize for literature in 2007 as well as numerous other prizes. She’s considered an African writer, a women’s writer, and has been described by Irving Howe as “the archaeologist of human relations.” In announcing the award in Stockholm in October 2007, the Swedish Academy called her an “epicist of the female experience, who with skepticism, fire, and visionary power has subjected a divided civilization to scrutiny.”
She is highly regarded as one of the most important English-language post-World War II writers. Her novels, short stories, and essays have focused on a wide range of issues, from the politics of race that she confronted in her early novels set in Africa, to the politics of gender, which has led to her adoption by the feminist movement, especially for her novel The Golden Notebook, to the role of the family and the individual in society, explored in her space fiction of the late 1970s and early 1980s.
Lessing helps us take a look at ourselves both as individuals and in relationship with one another. Her unflinching willingness to observe and report often cost her in many ways, including as a woman writer when that frankness was often disapproved. Yet, her powerful courage and commitment to tell the truth as she saw it has made us better people. Her healthy self-regard is at the core of her ability to share her skills and we are grateful.
REEL PERFORMERJennifer Aniston in The Good Girl presents a remarkable example of the development of self-regard. As a young high school graduate, she’s married and working in a chain discount store. Her life is predictable and boring. She undertakes self-exploration in part by developing a relationship with a young man who is very “out there” for this conservative small town. Through challenges, including her pregnancy and the young man’s suicide, she begins to come into herself, becoming much more alive and whole. She becomes more aware and accepting of herself.