EXERCISE 1.3

Self-Regard

Reconciliation

Purpose

To give participants an experience of increased self-regard through a reconciliation process.

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35 minutes or more, depending on number of participants, plus individual working time between sessions

The participants revisit two situations—one in which they feel like they caused hurt or harm to someone else, and one in which they felt that they were harmed—and undertake to reach better resolutions. This also can be used as a self-directed practice.

Outcome

To experience the elevated sense of self-regard that comes from initiating a reconciliation process.

Audience

Facilitator Competencies image

Advanced

Materials

Time Matrix

Activity Estimated Time
Facilitator explains the process of reconciliation 20 minutes
Individuals conduct steps one and two On their own
Each individual discusses the experience 15 minutes per person
Total 35 minutes or more + individual time

Instructions

1. Provide writing paper and pens.

2. Distribute the handout. Tell the participants that this is an exercise on forgiveness and reconciliation, that it’s not necessarily an easy process for anyone, but making apologies and repairing relationships is actually a normal and common part of human behavior. Since they are choosing the incidents to deal with, and because at least this step of it is only hypothetical, they should generally be able to handle the tension okay. Be optimistic and suggest to them that new behavior is easy once a new understanding of the situation becomes available.

3. Ask them to list three relationships in their lives where they hurt or offended someone and would like to repair things. Have them rank the incidents in order from the apparently least difficult to the apparently most difficult to repair.

4. Ask them to read Step One from the handout and then, starting with the apparently least difficult incident, ask them to write down the actual things that they would say to the person whose forgiveness they seek. Have them write the responses they realistically anticipate they would receive in response to each of their comments.

5. Explain that this exercise provides them with an off-line opportunity to thoroughly think through the exchange of feelings and reasons they will be having with this other person—someone who may still feel like the damage cannot be undone. It’s true that the facts cannot be changed, but what they mean most assuredly can be. (Ask the participants to do this with the other two incidents as well, now if they have time, or later on their own.)

6. Encourage them to follow through and actually have these conversations and remind them that much of who we think we are gets built up around our experiences of being treated unfairly, so there are likely to be some strong emotional responses from the other person as the emotional energy patterns are released.

7. Now ask them to read Step Two, list three incidents in which they felt harmed, and proceed in a similar manner.

8. Ask them to write for five or ten minutes about what they learned from this exercise and again encourage them to follow through and actually have these conversations.

9. If you have time, and wish to do so, invite participants to share some of their reflections using the kinds of questions below:

RECONCILIATION HANDOUT image

People benefit from conducting a reconciliation process because two kinds of emotional anchors drag on our productivity and impede our enjoyment of life—guilt and rejection. If you look carefully, you will notice they are the flip sides of the same coin: When we choose not to forgive others, we are putting a barrier between them and us that they cannot remove, and regardless of how justified our rejection may seem, at least at the subconscious level, we feel guilty for excluding them, just as they feel guilty for having injured us. Self-regard can’t help but grow when those sorts of burdens are relieved.

Step One

First, you are going to seek reconciliation with someone you have hurt or offended or who thinks you have. Obviously, sincere humility and apology are crucial ingredients, but it does not mean you should grovel. It is important that you bring your healthiest level of appropriate self-regard with you so the other person can recognize he or she is not dealing with a needy beggar but an intact individual who sincerely wants to repair a valuable relationship. When you approach someone who feels that you have harmed him or her, expressing your vulnerability (instead of concealing it as we usually do) is generally the best defense.

Tell the person that you have been thinking about the incident a lot lately and feel that it is time to make a new effort to resolve it. Tell the person that you’d like to start off by offering a sincere apology and ask forgiveness for whatever it was you did (or he or she says you did). Sometimes people may still feel very hurt and harbor a level of hostility and resentment that causes them to try to extort a confession from you for something that you never did. It’s okay. This is no longer a contest about who’s right and wrong. Sincerely say the following sentence (exactly!), “I have never felt as if I did that, but if you do, then I need your forgiveness more than ever.”

If the person is ready, it will unfold pretty easily and naturally from there. If he or she is not, say that you understand and that you just wanted to do whatever you could to get things started. Eight out of ten times the person will be ready. In the other two you’ll have done your best and know you can feel good about it. But in that instance be careful not to start judging and blaming the person for not accepting your invitation. He or she also did his or her best. Otherwise, the good results you started may be further delayed for both of you.

Remember that much of our identity and who we think we are gets built up around our experiences of being treated unfairly, so there are likely to be some strong emotional responses from both of you as the patterns that had been holding this energy in place begin to dissolve and are released.

Step Two

The second step in this exercise is to extend reconciliation to someone who has hurt or harmed you in some way that is still unresolved. This is a little tricky because if you just walk up to someone you haven’t been speaking to and say, “I forgive you for the terrible thing you did to me!” it’s a bit more like a fresh accusation than a genuine attempt at reconciliation.

In fact, things will probably proceed best if you begin pretty much like you did when you were asking for reconciliation from another. Say that you’ve been thinking about the way things ended up and you want to do whatever you can to get your relationship into better balance. It’s true that the facts cannot be changed, but what they mean to your relationship most assuredly can be.

Whether the other person shows it or not, one of his or her biggest concerns is that you are condemning him or her for what happened. However, if you maintain an open, non-judgmental attitude and posture, it will help remove this stumbling block. Whether you are standing or sitting, fold your hands loosely in front of you in a relaxed manner. Make gentle, brief but repeated eye contact in a manner that says, “Just curious . . . just wondering.” Let your body seem a little tired, as if you are tired from carrying the weight of this matter.

These kinds of nonverbal cues for openness will make it easier for the person to connect at a deeper level and begin to express how he or she feels about the situation. Just to start talking about things again will help lead toward the person’s ability or desire to ask for your forgiveness.

To encourage an atmosphere of communication, you can give the person two messages that will help. Whether you say it directly or not, convey, “I don’t like to have these awkward feelings between us” and “We are both losing out on something valuable as long as they persist.”

If the person shows a willingness to go further, after having had a chance to say something about what it’s like from the other side, you can respond matter-of-factly, “Look, it hurt, but I’ve been healing, and I’m not stuck on this the way I used to be.” Then you will be conveying your forgiveness honestly and sincerely, whether he or she feels worthy of receiving it yet or not.

After you complete the writing assignment in preparation for each of these conversations, take some time to reflect about what you learned and how you feel about yourself, your strengths, and your shortcomings. Then follow through, have conversations, and see how much better everyone feels!