EXERCISE 8.1

Empathy

Recipe for Influence: Curiosity and Compassion

Purpose

Clients learn a focused and easy strategy for building influence by expressing empathy.

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50 minutes

Experience building understanding about the power of influence and the awareness of a strategy for expressing empathy that will expand influence. Demonstrate and practice in pairs.

Outcomes

• Build skills in expressing empathy
• Recognize elegant ways to engage emotions to more effectively influence others

Audience

• Intact teams
• Unaffiliated group
• Individual working with a coach

Facilitator Competencies

Moderate

Materials

• None needed

Time Matrix

Activity	Estimated Time
Discuss the importance of and ways to exercise influence	10 minutes
Present and demonstrate the formula	10 minutes
Practice the formula in pairs	15 minutes
Debrief with full group/team and ask for a commitment to apply	15 minutes
Total Time	50 minutes

Instructions

1. Discuss with your group/team or coachee the many ways in which they need to be effective at influencing people. Influencing is needed for employee management and motivation, for moving people from no to yes, and to gain buy-in or be persuasive in many other forms of engagements. To build this awareness:

• Ask when was the last time they tried to “make” someone do something. Ask them to describe what happened and how successful it was in the long run. You’re likely to hear them say that, even if people are direct reports, leaders exercise their success through influencing.
• Note that whenever one is negotiating or seeking to resolve a conflict, the goal is to influence others to move from no to yes.
• Persuasion requires people feeling that you are credible and have useful information for them.

  People are much more likely to follow the advice of someone when they believe that person has his or her best interests in mind. We reflect that positive interest by letting people know that we understand and care about who they are. To do this requires demonstrating empathy. Explain that this exercise will help them build influence by expanding their skills in extending empathy.

2. Explain that empathy is exhibited by paying attention to someone and then reflecting back that you have noticed what is important to him or her and that you care. The formula is: Curiosity + Compassion = Empathy. You can practice this with a client by asking with curiosity about something you recognize he or she cares about; when you do this, you are role modeling to your client a process you’ll next ask him or her to do. For example, “You are involved in a big project with your team; how is it going?” Wait for the response and listen attentively. Then reflect back, “You are excited about the potential of this project making a big difference for the whole team, but worried about whether there are enough staff to get the job done in time. I can tell you really are invested in success!” Now suggest a way that your participant can apply influence, such as by saying something like, “I know it adds some time up-front, but how about taking time with each team member to ask how he or she is doing and what you can do to support his or her effectiveness? I’ve found that when people feel that you care and are paying attention, they are motivated to work more quickly. Also, you might discover ways to easily provide assistance.”

3. Now ask your participants to form pairs and trade off applying this strategy for expressing empathy and building influence to something really going on in their lives, whether it’s at work or at home. What’s important is that it’s being applied to a real situation. Experiencing empathy authentically through this formula will help build the desire to use it later. Instruct the pairs to focus first on one person for five minutes and then to trade roles. Explain that you’ll debrief when you bring everyone back together again.

4. Bring your participants back together and ask about their reflections. Deliberately discuss some of the applications of empathy they discussed and emphasize the power of this strategy by talking about the potential long-term benefits they can achieve. Ask for commitment to using this strategy by asking each person to turn to a neighbor and name two times in the next week when he or she will use this strategy for building influence through effectively expressing empathy.