Life behind the monastery walls was nothing like I had anticipated. The first three months were spent under the careful eye of a specially appointed ascetic spiritual father. He assessed my character, giving me menial tasks to perform, like cleaning toilets and washing and polishing floors. Sometimes, after a full morning’s work, I would return from lunch to find water emptied all over my polished floor. I was expected to dry and polish the floor again without a word. I gritted my teeth and pretended that nothing could break my patience and obedience. I convinced them. Three months to the day after my arrival, I received my Jesuit tunic and was accepted into the noviciate.
The life of the novice was one of unvarying routine. At five o’clock in the morning, to the sound of the monastery bell, I got up and went to the assembly rooms for one hour’s meditation, the points of the meditation having been provided by the spiritual father the previous evening. Mass and Holy Communion followed. After this we were allowed to eat. Four hours’ solid study came next, and then lunch. We were then allowed one hour’s recreation, which we usually spent playing chess or table tennis. Somewhat refreshed, we then attended to the general duties or chores that had been assigned to us. Our academic day ended with two hours of reading, bible studies, Latin and ascetic books. During the evening the Master of Novices would issue his instructions for the following morning’s meditation. We ended the day with long religious debates which lasted until the sound of the monastery bell summoned us to our beds.
The Novice Master was my spiritual and moral adviser. It was my responsibility to open my heart to him, to discuss my problems and temptations and to ask his advice on anything that was worrying me. I found I could not be sincere with him, especially when he suggested different bodily punishments for my temptations. Sexual temptations were dealt with by flagellation. The flagella, or whip, made of five leather thongs fastened together and knotted at the end, was drawn across your back while you recited the psalm De profundis clamavi. Sometimes, during the recreation periods, the Novice Master would enter the room unexpectedly, calling all the students present to a debate. One poor fellow would be singled out as needing spiritual help. He would kneel before the Master, kiss the floor and recite Carissimi Patres et Fratres Peto Eleumusinam Spiritualem, meaning ‘Dearest fathers and brothers, give me spiritual help’. The student, still kneeling, would be interrogated about his sins as if in a court of law. Admitted misdemeanours would receive a penalty. Light punishment meant cleaning out the toilets and kitchen during the recreation period. Heavy punishment involved lying prostrate on the hard floor, legs together and arms outstretched for one hour. Any movement at all would mean that the prostration would have to resume the following day, and every day until the whole hour had been spent totally immobile.
It was a strict, hard life. Students were bullied and punished for trivial offences and many left the monastery before their noviciate was completed and they had to take the perpetual vows of obedience, chastity and poverty. I was stubborn and not the type to give in to harassment. I had a strong will which seemed to grow stronger with the treatment I received.
As the date of my perpetual vows drew near, my mind was once more in a turmoil. During the probationary period we were constantly reminded about God’s severity, and how sinning against God would mean eternal banishment. This rigorous doctrine was never tempered by mention of the love and mercy of the Almighty. We, the chosen few, would attain eternal salvation only if we believed in God’s severity and became totally submissive to His will. Passing through the gates of heaven was like getting through the eye of the proverbial needle. It was naturally with some trepidation that I finally agreed to take my vows.
Yet, having done so, I found myself in a whole new world with much more freedom. I was sent, with a handful of other students who had survived the noviciate, to the Jesuit Scholasticat on the River Pina in eastern Poland. This was the first time I had been outside the walls for two years. There was an immediate improvement: the atmosphere was more relaxed, the educational standards improved, leisure time became more abundant. The past two years had been thoroughly depressing and I looked forward to life in the Scholasticat with great anticipation. Unfortunately for me, there were temptations on every side.
For example, sailing was permitted on the stretch of the Pina near the monastery walls. Beautiful girls swam in the cool waters and sunbathed on the river bank. Older, more mature students acted as our guardians, teaching us to ‘observe the modesty of our eyes’. But though I tried to avert my eyes, curiosity prevailed and for the first time in my life I felt the stirring of desire awaken in my body. Needless to say I was still a virgin and my sex education had been nil. I had never thought about the opposite sex, being too absorbed in my education and spiritual welfare. My life in the monastery had indoctrinated me into fighting all temptations. But now doubts started to assail me. Had God created me to be a kind of mechanical robot, devoid of all sexual feelings? Though I had taken my vows, my body had not changed and I was still the same person beneath my monk’s habit. For the first time I began to question the vow of chastity.
My constant thoughts on this subject caused my studies to suffer and progress came to a halt. My nights were spent dreaming about the beautiful girls on the banks of the Pina. No longer naive about sexual matters, I transported myself into their bedrooms and invariably woke the following mornings having had a ‘wet dream’. This was classed as a heavy sin which I had to confess before taking Holy Communion each morning. This, my one and only sin, was confessed most mornings on a regular basis. Normal confessions are private and confidential but in a monastery this convention is not observed.
Eventually I was summoned to the office for an interview with my Spiritual Father who degraded me, called me unclean and unholy and accused me of being worse than an animal and unfit to wear the monk’s robe. I was ordered to kneel before the cross for twelve hours and to pray to God to purify my thoughts. This had the opposite effect to the one intended, adding fuel to the fire. My thoughts began, almost inexorably, to turn away from the Church.
Over the next few months I worked out what I thought was a logical philosophy. Surely, according to religion, God created me in His own image, designing my body for a purpose. Not to use my body for that purpose was contrary to nature and automatically against the will of the Creator. I was surrounded by people who claimed to love God but at the same time rejected the most essential element of His creation, without which the human race could not continue to exist. I felt that the rule of celibacy was created by a generation of monks who wished to keep an upper hand over their subordinates. I was aware that other Christian churches did not maintain the rule of celibacy, allowing their members to use their bodies in the way that God intended. In my studies of the scriptures I tried, unsuccessfully, to find passages supporting the Jesuits’ interpretation of their doctrine.
Having arranged an interview with my superiors, I put forward my views. Unfortunately my logical philosophy clashed with the teachings of the Church. It was, I was told, a grave sin to even think about the opposite sex and to engage in any sexual activity meant condemnation by the Creator to eternal torment. I was advised to think again, whilst being assured that many students went through a period of ‘unrest’. I was reminded of my vows and of my promise to sacrifice my normal life for God. These words stayed with me through my entire life. More than anything in the world I wanted to be relieved of my vows and to resume a normal life. A kind of claustrophobia took possession of me. I felt like a trapped animal. The only answer, said my superiors, was prayer. On the contrary, I came to the conclusion that God could not be wrong. Since I had followed his scriptures, I was not wrong either.
It was at this time that I started to look for a substitute. I began to feel desire when I was with one of my fellow students. He was angelic, rather womanly in his mannerisms. I would watch him undress by the river, following him with my eyes as he swam in the cool waters. Sometimes I would touch him accidently as we both swam. For a time I was happy in my fantasy. I did not reveal my feelings for fear of being rebuffed. If he had responded to my loving gazes my life would have been totally changed and I would have become a homosexual.
Eventually my misery became so acute that I thought of throwing myself from the bell tower. But the thought of punishment, if I lived, deterred me. I knew that if I died I would be damned to eternal hell for taking my own life. I abandoned the idea. In desperation one afternoon, I went to see the Magister of Biology, a kindly man of around seventy. I needed someone to give me spiritual stability. I sat with him in his study for two hours pouring out my heart to him while he listened in silence. Eventually he responded.
‘You have a vivid imagination, my son, but you are not alone. Most of us have had difficulties like yours at some time in our lives. God knows about your suffering here on the earth and He will reward you with eternal freedom and peace after your death. Be patient, since these feelings will soon pass. I was well into my third decade before I found peace of mind, but it will come for you as it did for me. Gain your strength in prayer and direct your desires into your studies. I will pray for your guidance.’
I kissed his hands, and looked into the eyes of this sad, seventy-year-old man. I saw myself in the years to come. Did I really want to stay in the monastery for the rest of my life like this man or did I want to break with the Jesuits and start a new life whilst I was still young and strong? I took my decision and sleep came easily that night.