“She doesn’t know you’re here, does she?” Cameron asked, squinting as if trying to read a blurry billboard.
“No. I thought it was best I come here alone to talk,” Joey said, feeling the weight of his omission heavily on his shoulders.
“Trouble in paradise?”
“Not at all. I just think we need to settle some things together.”
“Like what?”
“Like what’s going to happen if you’re granted parole and you ask for custody. Is that your intention?”
“She’s my daughter. Yes, it’s my intention. I haven’t seen her since the day she was born, Joe. You won’t let me.” Her raspy voice filtered through his mind like cotton candy, weaving a convoluted spell on his brain, making him remember things he had no business remembering.
“Do you understand why I’ve kept her away?” he asked, pushing his thoughts aside.
“Yeah. You’re smitten with your new wife and want her to play mommy since I can’t.”
Her harsh words surprised him since the last time he’d seen her she’d been so accommodating to Stacey. “No, Cameron. I meant what I said in the courtroom. I know you’ve got it in you to be a good person, and you proved it the day Rachel was born and signed her over to me until you got out. But you understand my hesitancy to bring you into her life when Stacey is all she’s ever known.”
Cameron leaned back in her chair, studying her nails. “It doesn’t change the facts, Joe. I’m her mother. We conceived her. You suddenly seem to forget I’m part of the equation here. Prison doesn’t mean I stopped existing.”
“But it means you made some bad choices.”
“Doesn’t every one?”
“Yes. But do you even want to do better?”
“I want my daughter. She should be with me. You’re not going to come in here with some psychobabble and make me think I’m not good enough. Rachel might only know your little wife as her mother, but it won’t be long before she knows all about me. Do you understand, Joe?”
He felt his shoulders slump against his will. “You’re missing the point—”
“All I’m hearing is you want more things to throw at me in court when I try to do something to stay in touch with my kid. I’m not giving you any more ammunition. Besides, I know exactly who was behind your little rant in the courtroom.”
“Don’t blame this on Stacey. She’s been there for your kid when you couldn’t be.”
With a sigh, Cameron sat up and took one of Joey’s hands in hers. “Joey, I still love you, okay? It hurts me to see you with her. What you said in the courtroom hurt me. And I know she was just a replacement. When I get out of here, I want to try again. We can make it this time. I was terrified of settling down and being stuck with one person the rest of my life who didn’t know what went on after dark. But Rachel changed everything for me. I want to share all those new memories with you and be your wife. I know Stacey doesn’t please you as much as I did. It’s all over your face.”
“What doesn’t please me is you being a home-wrecker on top of a drug addict. Stacey is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Cameron.”
“We both know that’s not true,” she whispered, looking deep into his eyes.
“There’s a part of me that will always love you. I could never deny that. That’s not a secret. You gave birth to my daughter. But getting back together just isn’t an option, and I need you to accept it.”
Slowly, Cameron nodded. “It still hurts. All this was supposed to be my life and now someone else is living it. You don’t sit in a prison cell all day without learning a few lessons.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you.”
“Then don’t hurt me. Let’s work together to get me out of here so we can live the life we wanted.”
Joey studied her. Since giving birth to Rachel, dark circles were under her blue eyes. He remembered a time when those blue eyes sparkled with mischief and love for him. Now they were dull and lifeless.
“I don’t think it’s what I want anymore. I just want us to figure out a way to give Rachel the best life possible. I want us to do that together. Without all the lawyers and mud-slinging.”
Cameron slowly nodded. “I want that, too.”
“Then let’s do it.”
With great precision, Cameron leaned forward and took his hand in her small one. Her soft skin brought back far too many memories. “On one condition, Joe.”
Looking into her eyes, he knew he would do anything to keep things from escalating and jeopardizing his marriage. “What?”
“I want you to come see me every day after work. Until we know if I’m granted parole. When this is over I want you to look in my eyes and tell me you don’t still love me.”
He shouldn’t agree. He knew it was just a ploy for her to get under his skin again. His head screamed at him to say no, to tell her it was blackmail, pure and simple. But he thought of Stacey and Rachel at home and how perfect his life seemed the last few months and how sure he was that he could meet her demands. He didn’t want his wife or his perfect life to go away, and he didn’t want Stacey to worry Rachel would be taken from her. If coming here meant keeping peace, he’d do it as long as she wanted.
“I’ll be here,” he whispered.
****
“You’re home late tonight,” Stacey said as she placed a steaming plate of lasagna in front of him. “Rough day?”
Joey thought of his trip to see Cameron and how wounded Stacey would be that he’d agreed to see her every day. But then he thought about how the end justified the means and relaxed a little.
“No, just a lot of things I had to take care of.”
She eyed him carefully, but he schooled his expression so he didn’t reveal anything. “Like what?”
“Work stuff.”
Rachel let out a shriek and they both jumped. With a chuckle, Joey lifted her out of her seat and placed a big kiss on her cheek. “I love you, Itsy Bitsy. How was your day with Mama today?”
Another squeal and her arms flailed. Then she promptly shoved her fingers in her mouth, and a string of drool puddled on her bib. “Mamamamamama.”
It was as if time stood still. He lifted his gaze to Stacey’s and saw the shock registered on her face. “Did you hear that?” he asked softly.
“Tell me I didn’t imagine it,” she whispered.
“You didn’t. Say it again, Rachel. Ma-ma.”
“Mamamamamama,” she chanted and reached her arms out to Stacey. Stacey lifted her and spun her around in a circle, then hugged her close, pure joy in her wide eyes and open mouth.
“You said Mama!” she exclaimed and laughed.
“Because you are,” he issued, more sure than ever he’d made the right decision with Cameron now.
“I know. What about Da-da? Can you say Da-da?”
“Mamamama!” Rachel squealed again, each syllable getting louder and louder. Then she laid her downy head on Stacey’s shoulder and said, “Mamama.”
Tears flooded Stacey’s eyes, and Joey stood. He wrapped his arms around his family, more humble than ever. Stacey was Rachel’s mother, and everything he’d gone through in the last year was suddenly worth it.
“I love you,” he said into Stacey’s ear. This seemed to make the tears flow faster. He kissed them each away and rubbed his daughter’s head.
“I love you, too,” she said with a wobbly smile. “And I love you, Rachel.”
“Mamama.”
They both laughed, and Stacey moved away from him, grabbing Rachel’s bottle and feeding her with one hand as she placed her palm on Joey’s cheek. The moment intensified when Stacey looked up to him, not a hint of shyness in her demeanor. He barely recognized the woman in front of him anymore. He knew the depth of her transformation went further than he could fathom, but in that moment, he realized he was truly clueless over how much she’d changed.
“Thank you, Joey. Thank you for everything.”
Joey captured her mouth in a quick kiss. “You’re thanking me? I’m the lucky one. Always remember that.”
A sense of foreboding fell over Joey as they sat down to eat their dinner. He’d make a deal with the devil to protect what was his. But what if he had already done just that?
****
Stacey was starting to worry. Every night for the last week, Joey was late coming home from work. By several hours. As he walked in after nine p.m. eight days later, she simply sent him a look that told him they needed to talk. Rachel was already in bed, and Stacey had some time to think.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as he sat at the table for dinner.
“Nothing, why?”
“Have I done something to upset you? You haven’t been coming home until late.”
“No, everything’s fine. I just have a lot of stuff to do lately.”
Placing a kiss underneath his ear, she heard his harsh exhale and then he dug into his food with fervor.
Still, Stacey couldn’t place it, but she knew something was wrong. Joey had been evasive when she asked him questions about his workload, and suddenly it all made sense. Did he not want to be with her anymore? Was there someone else?
She plopped down in the chair and studied him closely. It was as if she wasn’t there. Days had passed since they’d last made love or they’d enjoyed a simple night together without any expectations. She knew as soon as he was finished eating, he’d announce he was tired and go to bed.
And she’d follow like a loyal puppy, waiting for a scrap of affection.
The thing was, just as Joey had said, being a mother to Rachel had changed her. It made her see life for what it was now. A fleeting blip on the map God had given her to make a difference in a little girl’s life. And possibly the man she’d always loved. But she could only do so much before frustration sat in, and she knew now that was the feeling in her chest.
She never wanted to go back to being the person she was before Joey came along. That person had been weak and lost and sad from her grandfather’s passing. She had direction now. That direction was for Rachel and Joey. Being a wife made her happy, and having someone who came home to her every night felt like warm cookies at Christmastime.
But what if all those fears she thought she’d conquered came racing back? What if, despite all his admissions to the contrary, Joey still loved Cameron and wanted her back? What if, the second she was granted parole, Stacey was served with divorce papers?
He’d made it no secret in the beginning their marriage was no love match. He needed her for Rachel and to help him look stable for the courts. Now that he’d been given temporary custody, did he really need her anymore? Even though the battle wasn’t over, he’d put up a respectable fight for his daughter.
If Stacey hadn’t already been seated, she might have sat straight on the floor. She worried her lip in an effort to stave off the helpless feeling taking root in her gut. The reality was she couldn’t make Joey love her. She couldn’t make him stay. And considering he’d been such a player his whole adult life, he’d settled down remarkably fast and furious for a man with so many notches on his bed post. She’d been foolish to let those fears slide by in the name of love.
Now, as he studiously avoided her gaze, she realized Rachel was probably next. She’d be gone, Stacey’s life would go right back to where she was when Joey knocked on her door months ago — lonely and scared. Only this time, she wouldn’t have her grandfather to help her pick up after the fall.
She missed her grandfather’s gentle assurances and his quiet smiles. For all intents and purposes, he’d been both her mother and her father when her parents died. What she wouldn’t give for some of his advice.
“I think I’ll go to bed,” Stacey said and rose on wobbly legs.
He gave her a strange look that spoke of confusion. “I’m not far behind you. I’m exhausted.”
“I know you are,” she said sadly. It meant there would be no physical affection tonight to keep her fears at bay. The insecurities were rearing their ugly faces again, and she was helpless to stop it. She felt rage consume her. Her hands shook as she grabbed the doorframe, looking back at Joey again.
“Hey, Stace?” he asked without looking up.
“Yeah?”
Finally he turned his expressionless gaze toward her and said, “I love you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah.”
But she didn’t know anything at all.
****
Joey was a liar. Plain and simple. Not even just once, but twice now. His visits to see Cameron were eating at him, knowing Stacey waited for him at home and took care of Rachel all so he could stop and feed some strange need Cameron had to see him.
Suddenly his perfect life wasn’t so perfect anymore.
He was angry with Cameron for putting him in this position. Even angrier with himself for letting her put him in this position. The only good that had come from his visits was how reassured he was doing the right thing. He’d ignored the times his ex entered the visitation room looking pretty and soft, reminding him of the first time they’d met, before the drugs had taken over her life.
He tried to ignore the feelings of doubt he had buried deep inside that told him he was cheating Stacey out of the truth. She would eventually find out what he was doing and she would be angry. Even more hurt. If he got what he deserved, she’d kick him out on his behind.
On the good days, when Cameron said and did everything right, he sometimes wondered what he was doing and how he’d found himself married before he’d worked out all his emotions. Cameron was the first woman he’d loved and wanted to settle down with. Truthfully, the only woman he’d loved and wanted to settle down with. Before he had time to blink, he was married to his friend, and it was a whole new set of feelings he had to deal with. He hadn’t loved Stacey in the beginning, and he certainly hadn’t wanted a homebody as a wife. He was the fraternity guy at college who hosted parties all the time, for crying out loud!
With Stacey, their love was quiet and assuring, steadfast and powerful. With Cameron, his feelings were wild and wreckless and didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Even knowing this didn’t stop him from wondering about the what-ifs.
What if she had never started drugs? Would they be somewhere different? Would they still be together? What if he’d worked harder to help her? What if Cameron straightened her life out after prison and never touched drugs again?
He honestly had no idea how he would feel, and it scared him. He liked to think maybe he’d shake off their relationship like water droplets from a shower. And the crazy thing was, if he compared Stacey and Cameron, Stacey always won, hands down. But there was still this pull with Cameron he couldn’t put his finger on, and it killed him. He wanted to give everything he had to Stacey, including his heart.
Cameron walked in the visitation room and sat down across from him. She smiled and took his hand in hers. It was something she did every day since he’d agreed to visit her. He let her, mainly because he didn’t know how to tell her no.
“I missed you,” she said, her eyes bright and alert.
To this, Joey said nothing.
“You seem unhappy. Is everything okay? Is Rachel okay?”
“Everything is fine.” Another lie. He was becoming a world-class jerk.
“How is Rachel?” Cameron’s eyes went soft, and she smiled.
“She’s good. She’s with Stacey.” It was the same comment he gave her every evening.
“Joe?”
He studied their hands, her delicate fingers with blunt nails and his larger ones. He’d once felt they fit together perfectly. “Yeah?”
“I love you. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I feel like since you’ve been visiting, we’ve been on a different level. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sober for so long, but it’s opened my eyes to what a great person you really are. And a great father. Not many men would have done what you did just to save your baby and give up all the fun you had in college to settle down.”
“I did what any man should have done. And Rachel isn’t a burden to me. She’s my daughter, and I love her.”
“And I know she loves you. I just wish I was the one you came home to every night.”
“You made your choice.”
“But it was a stupid one. And we’re all entitled to make mistakes, and this was mine.”
“What do you want me to say?” He found he was absently rubbing the pad of his thumb across her skin. Suddenly, he pulled his hand away from hers like he’d been burned. What was he doing?
“My lawyer says the judge is looking over my parole tomorrow. We should have an answer by the end of the day.”
Panic seized his chest. Did this mean she’d be out of prison and back in his life? Back in Rachel’s life?
“What do you think he will decide?”
“I think it will be granted. I’m still doing well here, and I’ve stopped making those phone calls you tattled on me about. Hard to do when you got the poor man fired.” Her smile lessened the sting of her words. “We need to talk about visitation rights with our daughter.”
He thought of his selfless wife sitting at home waiting on him, his dinner no doubt hot and ready, his daughter fed and bathed. What right did Cameron have to her? What had she done other than jeopardize her entire existence by her drug use?
Joey looked at her. “What do you suggest?”
“I suggest we split our time with her. She’s half mine anyway.”
He bit his tongue hard enough to taste blood. “I don’t think it makes for much stability in her life being shuffled between us half of the time.”
“I gave birth to her, Joe. Don’t forget it.”
“I haven’t. And this isn’t about who she belongs to. It’s not a personal attack on you. It’s about what’s good for Rachel and what she needs. And I don’t think splitting her life up into fifty percent increments is what’s best.”
“What do you think is best? For me to fade quietly into the background and let your little wife raise my kid?” Her back was straight and her chin was lifted, a telltale sign she was ready to rumble.
“I think it’s best for Rachel to be with the people she knows as her parents. And that’s Stacey and me.”
“You’re delusional if you think I’m going to let her go so easily.”
Joey sat up and took her hand in his, hoping against hope he could see the real Cameron when he asked his next question. “Can you honestly tell me you aren’t tempted to go back to your old lifestyle?”
“I haven’t been out of prison yet, so I can’t answer.”
“What if you go back to drugs? What if Rachel is with you and you make a big mistake and get behind the wheel of your car with her? How do you think I could live with myself knowing I allowed that?”
It was Cameron’s turn to look at their hands. With sad eyes, she shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe we could take it slow. Make sure I’m out of the woods or something. I know it’s going to be a temptation.”
“So you agree we should do supervised at first? Let Rachel get to know you a little at a time? Make sure you don’t relapse before we go full speed?”
Cameron seemed to think a moment. “Yes. I think I could agree to that. I want what’s best for her, too, you know. And even though I say it won’t happen, I know the reality of my situation. Addiction is addiction.”
Sounded like the counseling was working. Or maybe it was what her lawyer had suggested she say so visitation was even an option. Either way, he was on alert and wasn’t going to give in to her the way he had for so long.
Abruptly, Joey stood. “I’m glad we agree on something, Cam. I’ll be interested to see what happens next.”
“Joe!” she said, scrambling from her position and rounding the table. “I need to know there’s hope.”
“I told you we’ll take things slow with Rachel.”
“I mean for you and me. You were the only thing stable in my life, and I need to know we’re not over.”
“I’m married. What part of those words do you not understand?”
“C’mon, I know that was never a thing for you before. You hit on attached women all the time when you were with me.”
“No, I didn’t. I was always faithful to you. Always. If there’s one good thing I can say for my sordid past, I was always faithful to whoever I dated. I was brought up to believe in marriage as being sacred and irreversible. Stacey and I both feel same way. We were over a long time ago, Cameron, and you need to accept it.”
A chilly, stone-like gaze replaced Cameron’s pleading one. “It’s not smart to go against me right now, Joe. A mother never loses in court.”
A moment of dread filled him, but he pushed it back. He wouldn’t be intimidated.
“You know coming here to see me puts everything your attorney brings up in question, right?”
And just like that, Joey felt the ball drop. It was why she’d asked for visits from him. She was planning on manipulating him in court. It all made sense.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…” he said sadly, shaking his head at his own stupidity.
“That’s just it, Joe. You’ve always been an easy target. I don’t like what I’ve had to do to get visitation, but I’m determined to spend time with my daughter. No matter what.”
Without a word, Joey backed up. The lump in his throat was more than he could take. He didn’t want her to see him break down and cry like a baby.
Now everything he held dear, his wife, his daughter and his own sanity was at risk because of one prisoner. He didn’t know what ever possessed him to love Cameron so deeply.
“Joe,” she said, her voice soft. “I didn’t want to hurt you…”
He held his hands up to silence her as he continued to the door.
“I still love you, Joe. Even if you don’t believe me. But it’s like you said, being a parent changed me. And I deserve to know my little girl.”
I, I, I, was all Joey heard. What about Rachel? Last time he checked, it wasn’t about him or Cameron, but about what stability Rachel should have.
Without a backward glance, Joey left the prison and told himself he wasn’t going to return. Whatever feelings he thought he’d felt for Cameron blew away like sand in a storm. And what a storm it was.