The moment Joey walked in that night, Stacey knew something was truly wrong. Anger was all over his face, more pronounced in his clenched jaw and furrowed brows.
“Is Rachel asleep?” he asked without a greeting, throwing his briefcase on the table.
“Y-yes,” Stacey said and took his plate out of the microwave.
“No. I can’t eat right now. We need to talk.”
Stacey slowly closed the microwave door, giving herself time to regroup. “Have I done something?”
“Stace, there’s nothing you could ever do to upset me like this.” He came up behind her and kissed her hair, his masculine scent surrounding her and making her feel cozy despite the seriousness of his situation.
“Let’s go sit in the living room. This might take a while.”
Again, Stacey took her time following Joey into the living room. She wasn’t sure what was about to happen. Would he tell her tonight he was having an affair? Wanted a divorce? Needed space?
“I need to tell you something,” he said, running his hands down his face.
With a deep breath and a thick swallow, she nodded. “Okay.”
It took Joey a minute to spit out the words and when he did, she was floored. “I’ve been going to the prison to see Cameron.”
The betrayal sank deep inside Stacey. Maybe it would have been easier with someone who didn’t have such a history, or easier because another woman was prettier or skinnier, but Cameron was the very woman who had given her a husband and a child. In a weird sort of way, she owed everything she had to her. But just as she’d always known in the back of her mind, her happiness was only temporary. She wasn’t cut out for a man like Joey. People like him wanted it all. They wanted the trophy wife and the flashy cars, not a childhood friend for a wife who drove a used vehicle.
“I think you should pack your things,” she said softly. Ironically, tears didn’t come. Just a sad acceptance.
“Stacey, let me explain.”
“You lied to me. Again. I asked you not to.”
“I was trying to protect what we have! She said if I came to see her, she’d work with me on visitation rights. I thought it would be easier on all of us!”
It was too much. Stacey shook her head and stood. “I can’t trust you. I’m not sure I ever have now.”
“Don’t do this.”
“You did it, not me. I got dragged into this and had stars in my eyes, Joey! I thought somehow you’d fall in love with me, and we’d live happily ever after. I wasn’t thinking!” Furious with herself now, she threw a pair of socks at him, not even stopping to consider how silly it was.
He caught them easily and stared at her.
“Get out.”
“I promised you I wouldn’t leave you. I don’t want this to be over.” His eyes shone bright, and Stacey felt the anger boiling to a full roll.
“Don’t men like you make promises just to prove you can break them? Then you call up all your friends and laugh about it?”
“I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“No, but you’d sneak around behind my back and see your ex girlfriend who is in prison! I’m not sure what’s worse, you lying to me or that I’m not any better than a drug-addicted convict.”
Stacey tried to avoid him, but he backed her into the same corner of the living room where they’d shared their very first adult kiss.
“I did it because I thought she would make it easier on us to keep our family together.”
“You’re a fool for her, Joey. And I’m a fool for thinking anything would be different. I need some space. I can’t sleep next to you tonight knowing you’ve lied to me and taken away my faith in you.”
“I’m not leaving you. I don’t care how mad you are at me. We’re going to work through this. I promised you I wouldn’t leave you, and I’m going to prove to you I won’t. If I don’t do anything else right, I can do this.”
“Suit yourself. But you won’t be sleeping in my bed.”
“Tomorrow is the hearing for Cameron’s parole. I don’t expect you to come, but I have to be there by eight. She’s expecting to walk out of there afterward.”
Stacey turned and looked at him, sadness emanating throughout her body. “Maybe you guys can have your happily ever after after all. Count me out.”
Without warning, Joey pinned her against the wall, his hands gating her in with no chance of escape. “You’re my wife, Stacey. I need you there. No one has ever been there for me like you have. What am I going to do when the judge sees you’re not there? How do you think it will effect visitation? If you don’t do it for me, do it for Rachel. She deserves being with someone she knows. Not a stranger who could kill her if she makes a bad decision.”
Numbness made her next words come out colder than she ever wanted to be about the little girl she’d come to love as her own. “You made the choice to lie to me. You made the choice to do something without consulting me. Rachel is an innocent bystander in all this, and I’m really sad you’ve made the wrong decisions so far in your life. But you’ve made your bed, and now you have to sleep in it.”
The soft thud of the door closing behind her as she entered their bedroom was like a gunshot echoing through the night. Or maybe it was the dam that held back her tears crumbling into dust.
****
The next morning, it was clear Joey hadn’t slept well. Stacey hadn’t either, but she’d refused to help him when Rachel cried during the night. Despite the urgent calls she kept hearing. “Mamamamama!” She refused to go to her. It was best to make the transition a clean one. They were both way too attached, it seemed.
As she entered the kitchen, she didn’t even bother to look their way, but from her peripheral vision she saw Joey was feeding Rachel baby food, and Rachel was pouting and shoving the food away.
“You’ve got to eat, baby,” he cooed, spooning another bite toward her. Stacey looked and saw he was trying to feed her peas. She hated peas, and if he wasn’t careful, she’d throw up on him. The only thing that stopped her from letting him figure it out on his own was knowing how uncomfortable Rachel would be getting sick.
“She hates peas,” she stated simply and handed him a jar of applesauce. “Especially for breakfast.”
Joey looked relieved and gave her a weak smile. “Good to know. Listen, Stace…”
She held up her hand, effectively silencing him. “That wasn’t an invitation to speak to me. The more I think about this, the angrier I get. The only reason I’m speaking to you is because of Rachel.”
A few moments of silence reigned peacefully as Rachel ate and Joey spooned. She fixed herself some fruit for breakfast and kept her back to Joey. She was a marshmallow when it came to him, and if she wasn’t careful, she’d be right back where she started, shy, embarrassed, and willing to do anything for him, no matter what the cost to her own heart.
Heat surrounded her as Joey’s hands urged her to turn around.
“No,” she issued.
“Yes. We need to talk.” His hands were insistent, but she held on to the counter.
“You’re not going to make me any less angry by trying to sweet talk your way out of this. You hurt me, Joey.”
“Will you look at me?”
“No.”
“Please?”
Slowly, she turned. It wasn’t smart but then again, she’d never made good grades in school.
“I’m sorry I made you cry,” he said softly. “It was all I could do not to take down the door and hold you. The only thing stopping me was knowing it might hurt you even more.”
Stacey kept her gaze trained on a piece of lint on his shirt. Sometimes saying nothing at all was easiest.
“I’m sorry I lied to you. I promise you I never intended to hurt you or make you feel like less than the wonderful wife and friend you are to me. I knew in my heart it was wrong the whole time, but I reasoned the end would justify the means. If I could get Cameron to back down on visitation, maybe I could live with my choice.”
Again, she said nothing. Everything he said was an excuse. A justification of what he’d done to cut her so deeply.
“What else do you want me to say?” he asked after a moment of her silence.
“I shouldn’t have to tell you what to apologize for, Joey.”
“I don’t want you to, but I am curious if there’s anything else I’ve done that maybe I haven’t realized. I am a man, you know.”
“How about loving Cameron more than me?”
“Do you really believe that?” He pulled back and looked in her eyes. Stacey met his gaze square on, showing him how serious she was.
“Do you feel like you should apologize for it, Joey? For loving another woman more than your wife?”
“But I haven’t! I don’t!”
“No? Every choice you’ve made has been for her.” She moved away from him, his heat leaving her cold in its wake. “I can’t live like this. I fooled myself into thinking I could love you enough for the both of us. But it was just a simpleton’s dream. You and I both know this won’t work until you’ve settled your feelings with Cameron.”
“But I have, Stacey! These visits with her proved to me what I knew all along!”
Stacey shook her head. “No, they didn’t. The fact you can’t see that tells me everything I need to know.”
“What do you want from me?”
Stacey startled a little at his raised voice, but she squared her shoulders and cocked an eyebrow at him. “I want you to love me.”
“I do love you! I’ve told you a million times!”
“I don’t want a feeling, Joey. Love isn’t always mushy smiles and hugs and kisses and great sex. Those things fade with time. It’s gritty. It’s hard. And it’s a choice.”
“What are you talking about?”
Why did it surprise her so that he didn’t understand? Back when her faith was stronger, before her duties as a wife had caused her to slip with her daily Bible readings, she’d loved one particular passage. It gave her hope one day she’d find the kind of love Jesus spoke of in regard to her husband:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Could she say she was being the kind of spouse he wanted? Certainly she was justified in being angry at his lies about Cameron. And she was right to feel betrayed. But that didn’t mean she could negate their marriage on a lie. Marrying him was her choice, right or wrong. She wasn’t perfect either.
But she wasn’t ready to admit anything to him yet. And now was as good a time as any to demonstrate what she wanted from him.
“If you’ll give me ten minutes, I’ll get ready to go to the courthouse with you.”
“You’re going?”
She looked at him with a frown. “You said you needed me to go, didn’t you?”
He swallowed so hard she saw his Adam’s apple bob with the effort. “I do need you.”
“Ten minutes.”
And she walked into the bathroom, a prayer on her lips.