A lot has happened since the moment when Mom stood in my bedroom doorway and said the words that changed everything.
I’ve been angry with you. But lately, I’ve been angry with myself, too. I’ve been learning that forgiving my own mistakes isn’t that simple, even though I’m truly sorry for what I did. I think you probably know all about that. You might have had some advice for me if you were still around. Or, you might not.
Of course, anger has only been a small part of it. These have been the most emotional months of my life. So much of it left me worn out, lost and empty.
Then, as I thought about the past year and all that’s changed, I found myself sorting through some specific moments and memories. Nine in all. And something still settled in me as I realized that each of these had one thing in common. You know what that was? Your hugs. I saw that, through all of the bad and sad and glad moments, my father’s arms were there to protect or comfort or celebrate with me.
Tears come when I remember the hug you gave me on the night you died. It was “goodbye” although we did not know it. But like every hug you’ve ever given me, it was also, “I love you. I’ll always love you.”
And now, looking back and seeing past the moments to the whole, I know I can forgive you. That I will forgive you. It may take a while longer, but I’ve already begun.
I’m just now beginning to feel ... ready.
For what lies ahead.
With love from your daughter,
Laren