2 Solitary dining is full of recipes created mostly in the Security Housing Units. These meals are usually for one, but they’re easily stretched to feed two. Many of the ingredients used to prepare these dishes would have been smuggled in by correctional officers or brought in through approved vendors; others would have been purchased weekly through commissary. Everything is brought to your cell, just like ordering a pizza. Except not at all.
In the federal prisons, there aren’t a lot of jobs for inmates, and what jobs there are don’t pay very much. So people got creative. Some would steal food from the kitchen and sell it for a quick come-up. It was amazing how many food items were smuggled out of kitchen storage—vegetables, fruit, bags of sugar, even raw eggs. Some guys got busted, but others were masterful in their techniques. I’ve seen several different designs for smuggling underwear with pockets sewn into the crotch area and waist belts made from T-shirts.
I knew a guy who would smuggle raw eggs and shredded Jack cheese every Saturday morning. He was a heavyset guy—at least 250 pounds and just a little over five feet tall. His trick was not only wearing his specially designed underwear; he would also rub a dirty towel from the kitchen’s mop room all over his clothes so that his odor was repellent. Most officers didn’t like to search him for just that reason. This guy made a lot of money smuggling food from the kitchen. Other guys weren’t so fortunate. A couple of raw eggs got them a couple of months in the Hole.
Ingredients
2 packs chili flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
½ cup or ¼ pound cooked beef tips (4 ounces)
½ cup steamed broccoli florets (4 ounces)
½ onion, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
6 tablespoons soy sauce
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Mix the beef tips, broccoli, onion, and carrot in a large microwavable bowl. Add the soy sauce and stir. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes, until hot.
5. Add the Ramen and half of the seasoning. Mix well.
I’ve met many guys who will be in prison for the rest of their lives. Some of these guys committed violent acts, even taking a life, while others were just along for the ride. One of the latter was a good friend of mine—Robert, aka Big Rob. He was fresh out of high school when he made the mistake of going cruising with his high school friends. Unfortunately, those friends were gang members. They were out for a drive on a summer night when another car from a rival gang pulled up beside them. Gang slurs were exchanged and gunshots rang out. Robert was hiding in the back seat, in a fetal position, scared shitless. Their car sped off but they didn’t get more than a few blocks before they were cut off and cornered by the local police. A passenger in the other car had been killed by retaliatory gunfire. Even with no prior convictions of any sort, Robert was charged with accessory to first degree murder and was sentenced to twenty-five to life when he was eighteen years of age.
I met him in 2007 when he was in his early thirties. He wasn’t in a prison gang or even associated with one. He’d never had a problem since he was arrested. While in prison he took every class he could, becoming accomplished at many trades and earning degrees. He never used drugs or alcohol. He was a good, square guy. It didn’t make sense that he had to serve as much time as the trigger man. Robert and his family didn’t have the money to hire a good attorney. He was one of the many poorly represented guys who were railroaded by the “dump truck”—what we call the plea offers from the public defender. Robert paid more than he should have for being a dumb kid.
Ingredients
2 packs chili flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
½ cup chopped carrots
½ cup chopped celery
½ cup corn kernels
1 tomato, chopped
1 jalapeño chile, chopped
½ onion, chopped
1 tablespoon garlic powder
½ cup tomato puree (3 tablespoons tomato paste thinned with enough water to make ½ cup also works well)
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a microwavable bowl.
2. Add the water, carrots, celery, corn, tomato, jalapeño, onion, garlic powder, and tomato puree. Mix well.
3. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes.
4. Stir, then re-cover and microwave for 5 minutes more, until the Ramen is soft and the soup is hot.
People get tattoos for different reasons. Some are indulging boredom, others are asserting some control over their own bodies, and many are pledging allegiance to a gang. But for Southern Hispanics, it’s a bit more than any of that. We favor Aztec culture tattoos because they represent the life of an Aztec warrior. The warriors fought battles to defend their land, worship the way they chose, and to retrieve prisoners from warring tribes. When an inmate is deemed trustworthy enough to defend his tribe by executing a hit, he knows he risks spending the rest of his life in the SHU. In recognition of the risk and—hopefully—the success, certain tattoos are specific to certain accomplishments. Inmates believe these tattoos represent strength, aggressiveness, and competitiveness.
I got my whole back piece done over two weeks, lying on my stomach for two to three hours at a time. The session took place in a container—like a trailer—used to store weights. There would be two guys standing outside as lookouts while the tattoo artist worked. Halfway through, the tattoo artist and I got into a heated argument that resulted in a vicious fight! He took out his aggression by practically butchering me with his homemade tattoo gun. I made it through and recovered with help from the homies. It’s a wonder the infections didn’t put me down for good.
Ingredients
1 pack chicken flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped
2 tablespoons honey
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Microwave the sausage in a separate bowl until hot.
5. Add the sausage and seasoning to the Ramen and stir.
6. Drizzle the honey on top.
When you get arrested in Los Angeles, your first stop is the city’s substation jail—a police station holding cell. If you can’t make bail, you’re sent to the L.A. County jail. There, the smell attacks you the minute you walk inside. If you don’t notice it immediately, it’s probably because all you can smell is the stinky ass of the guy in front of you.
If you’re not a first-time convict, you’ll probably be sent to state prison, where you’re surrounded by killers, lifers, and prison gang members. If you get in trouble in prison you go to Administrative Segregation, aka the Hole, either for your own safety or for others’. If you screw up in the Hole—maybe fighting with your cellmate or assaulting an officer—you go to the Security Housing Unit (SHU). This is a single-man cell, and you’re handcuffed and escorted by officers wherever you go—even to take a shower. If you need to shave, the officer will hand you a dull disposable razor once you’re inside the shower cell. Then the officer will check the razor for its blade upon its return. You are escorted outside to the yard for one hour a day, staying inside what appears to be a large dog kennel. Usually, there are ten kennels in an area about as big as a basketball court, surrounded by fifteen-foot-high walls. Only thing you can see is the sky. If you get into trouble while in SHU, then you end up in the last stop.
Deep Administration Segregation (Deep AD-SEG) is known as your final time-out. It’s underground or far away from other cells. You are all alone, with no cellmate or anyone close enough to talk to through the vents. No TV, radio, or any appliance. Just you, four walls, a toilet, and your cement bed. The only light is controlled by officers you can’t see or talk to. It’s not unusual to be stuck there for a full year. In my experience, most guys who end up in solitary confinement suffer from some type of antisocial disorder.
Ingredients
2 packs shrimp flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
¾ cup prepared clam chowder
½ cup chopped baby carrots
½ cup chopped onion
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, stir, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes. Do not drain.
3. Mix the clam chowder, carrots, onion, and garlic powder in a microwavable bowl.
4. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes, until hot.
5. Add to the Ramen. Mix well.
In the late 1990s, an inmate was entitled to thirty pounds of groceries every three months from an approved vendor—always one of the local grocers. On visiting day, an inmate’s family members would go to the approved grocer, pick up the groceries, and bring them to the inmate. It was the highlight of the month.
Back then, there was a guy who claimed to be a major pimp on the streets, boasting and bragging about all the women he had out there taking care of him. How he was such a player that sometimes he had two women visiting him at the same time, always showing off nude photos of different women. This bragging sometimes went on for hours. One time on our way to package pickup, he kept bragging about his girls and saying things like, “I wonder which of my girls is sending me a package this time” and “Pimping ain’t easy but it sure is fun!” This was getting on everyone’s nerves. Even the officer had had enough and told him to pipe down with all that bullshit. When this “pimp” was finally called to step up and receive his package, to his and everybody’s surprise, his “girl” sent him thirty pounds of canned dog food! The look on this guy’s face went from pimp to wimp! His homies couldn’t stop clowning him, and even the officers had a good laugh and some shit to say. But turns out the pimp didn’t come up empty-handed. The officer passing out the packages offered him twenty bucks for the box of dog food, saying he had two “bitches” at home that would love this care package.
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 can (5 to 6 ounces) tuna, drained
¼ pound small red potatoes, cooked and quartered
½ green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1½ teaspoons dried dill
¼ cup olive oil
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Mix the tuna, potatoes, green pepper, dill, olive oil, and seasoning in a large bowl.
5. Add the Ramen. Mix well.
The L.A. County jail has its urban legends, but one I can say might have been true was about the punch that was served with lunch and dinner. There was always plenty on every table, as it was served in big pitchers, and I always had a few cups with dinner. Three months into my first time in L.A. County, I was finally told by an older homeboy, “Stop drinking the punch; it’s not good for you, little homie.” He said it was made with a substance called saltpeter, which contained potassium nitrate. Clueless of what he was telling me, I said, “Saltpeter? Potassium nitrate? What the hell is all that?”
He laughed and said, “Okay, let me ask you this. When’s the last time you beat your meat?” I asked him what the hell that had to do with saltpeter or potassium nitrate? He said saltpeter is put in the punch in order to suppress our sexual urges. It makes us less violent and keeps us calm. I really couldn’t believe what he was telling me, and I just brushed him off. But back in my cell I started to wonder why I hadn’t beat my meat in just over three months. Then it started to mess with my head—both heads. I wasn’t able to get the usual morning erection as before, and didn’t even have the urge to stroke it. That did it.
From then on, I refused to drink that punch. After a few days, as I started to forget about the whole saltpeter thing, I was awakened by the stiffest boner I ever had in my life! Man, it was at attention and saluting proudly. What else could I do but . . . relieve my stress.
Ingredients
1 pack shrimp flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
¼ cup chopped red onion
2 jalapeño chiles, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
Pinch of dried oregano
2 cans (3 ounces each) baby clams, drained
½ avocado, sliced
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Mix the onion, jalapeños, tomato, and oregano in a separate bowl.
5. Add the Ramen, seasoning, and baby clams. Mix well.
6. Top with the avocado slices.
By David Anthony Faustino
Being a celebrity from a hit TV show had its advantages. Dinner at the finest restaurants without a reservation. The front of the line of the hardest clubs to get into. Getting attention from girls I should never get attention from. Also, rarely getting harassed by cops. I’d fly down the 101 like a spoiled little brat, and when I’d get pulled over, they’d say, “Hey. It’s Bud Bundy! How’s your sister, bro?” No tickets for me in L.A. or anywhere nearby.
Once, my (now ex) wife and I went to visit her family from Daytona Beach, Florida. We went out with some friends one night and I got extremely drunk. I started to argue with my wife in public. It got so bad that three cops swooped down on us. I tried pulling the old “I’m Bud Bundy” shit, but I was such a sloppy, rude drunk, the cops said, “We don’t care. You’re going to jail.” I spent about six hours in a single-man cell. Unbelievably, when they came to get me, I start talking shit again. I called the woman who was booking me all kinds of names. Finally, another officer yelled out, “Yo, dog, I swear to God, shut up or you’re back in that cell for a long time!” I shut my mouth and didn’t say another word.
After this incident, I cut way back on alcohol. I realized that when I drink too much, I’m nothing more than that loud asshole at the party that no one likes. Who wants to be that guy?
David Anthony Faustino is an American rapper who has appeared in dozens of films and television series, and is primarily known for his role as Bud Bundy on the FOX sitcom Married . . . with Children from 1987 to 1997, and for voicing Mako in The Legend of Korra.
Ingredients
2 flour tortillas
1 bag (8 ounces) of Cheez-Its, or any other empty plastic chip bag to form the burrito
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
½ cup of Cheez-Its or any cheese cracker
½ cup refried beans
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped, or 1 can (9 ounces) Vienna sausage, drained and chopped
1 small bag (about ¼ cup) Cheetos, crushed in bag
1 hot pickle, chopped
1½ cups boiling water
3 tablespoons squeezable cheese, or more to taste
1. Place one flour tortilla, open, inside the bottom of the plastic chip bag.
2. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper. Pour it into the bag on top of the open tortilla.
3. Add the seasoning, Cheez-Its, refried beans, sausage, Cheetos, and hot pickle.
4. Cover the mixture with the other flour tortilla. Wrap the top tortilla together with the bottom tortilla, nice and tight. The bag helps to hold the form of the burrito.
5. Add the water. Carefully fold the bag tightly and let sit for about 8 minutes.
6. When ready, slide the burrito out of the bag and onto a plate, and top it with the squeezable cheese.
In the federal prison system, carrying a weapon undetected is an art. There are metal detectors in every officer’s hand, and everyone is swiped before entering any building. So inmates came up with a much deadlier weapon, one that’s a lot easier to hide from the common metal detector: the razor blade. Masterfully cracking open the plastic housing of a disposable shaving razor with a set of nail clippers, you very carefully remove the delicate blade from the plastic shaver. If used properly, you can slice a man’s jugular vein in one quick swipe. Easy to carry, easy to hide. It can be carried in the mouth, sticking to the side of your tongue or against your cheek. The COs never seem to swipe a face with their metal detectors.
Ingredients
2 packs beef flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
1 jar or pouch (10 ounces) meatballs in tomato sauce
1 onion, chopped
Pinch of garlic powder
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside one of the seasoning packets; save the other for another use.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, mix the meatballs, onion, seasoning, and garlic powder in a microwavable bowl.
5. Cover and microwave for 3 to 5 minutes, until hot.
6. Pour the mixture over the Ramen.
For years, outside my cell window stood a huge fence, twenty feet high, covered with razor-tipped barbed wire. I have no doubt that almost every prisoner thought of hitting that fence at least once. Some guys would do more than think about it. For many of us, doing time became worse than the idea of being dead. Those were the ones that would make a run for the fence, hoping to be shot and killed. This was known as “suicide by escape.”
I saw it in action in a way that just broke my heart. A good friend of mine was waiting for his family on visitation day. It was the best part of his week and they were very reliable. He’d always leave his time with them with a smile on his face and plenty of goodwill for everyone he ran into. One day, they just didn’t show up. He sat there, hour after hour, wondering what the holdup was. They didn’t show up all day and didn’t answer the phone when he called.
Two days later a guard came to escort him to the chapel where the chaplain gave him the bad news. His family had crashed on the highway on their way up to visit him. His wife, kids, and mother-in-law all died in the accident. There were no survivors. With many years to go in his sentence, he literally had nothing to live for.
Rumors quickly spread that he actually made it over the first fence. But by the second fence, two shots from a Mini-14 rifle gave him his freedom . . . to be with his family.
Ingredients
1 pack chicken flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
½ cup chopped baby carrots
¼ cup chopped onion
Pinch of garlic powder
½ cup shredded or chopped cooked chicken breast
1 jalapeño chile, chopped
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, stir, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Add the carrots, onion, garlic powder, chicken, and jalapeño. Mix well.
4. Cover and let sit until the vegetables are warm.
by Alma Blake, former Correctional Officer
As a former CO, I was a curiosity to the women I was incarcerated with. The first person to befriend me was Colombiana, and she resembled my mother. With her heavy accent she told me, “You see all these women? They all have a trade. They all know how to do or make something to help them get by. We all work at something. What can you do?” I didn’t have a response, so she peppered me with questions: “ Can you cook prison style? Can you draw? Can you color, gamble, thread eyebrows, sew?” My silence said it all. I didn’t know how to do any of those things. She offered me a plate of her delicious food and told me, “Don’t worry, Mami, we will find you something to do.” I felt ashamed that even though I had worked for over eight years in a prison, I was the most ignorant inmate. Then Colombiana asked, “Can you read and write?” Almost laughing, I said “Yes!” She gave me a piece of paper and told me to write out a recipe she’d dictate. When she saw my handwriting she smiled at me and said, “I think I just found you a job.” Colombiana was a fine artist and made greeting cards for anyone in need of a birthday or holiday card, but she had terrible handwriting. I became her apprentice and filled in the greetings on the cards. I would not have made it through my time in prison without her help. We developed a friendship that lasts to this day.
Alma Blake worked as a correctional officer. She served time for an infraction committed while a CO. She now works in a civilian capacity in her hometown of El Paso, TX. She teaches her sons to respect and understand the reasons for the law, with the hope that they may pursue a career in it one day.
Ingredients
2 packs chicken picante flavor Ramen
3 cups boiling water
½ teaspoon crushed red pepper
¼ teaspoon garlic powder
½ teaspoon soy sauce
Tortilla chips
1. Place the Ramen into a bowl without breaking it. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the boiling water, crushed red pepper, garlic powder, and soy sauce.
3. Mix well, and let it sit for 8 minutes.
4. When ready, top it with a handful of tortilla chips.
There was a time back in the day when convicts, all dressed in blue, wouldn’t fight one another. Instead we’d stand united, fighting against the cops who would be dressed in green. Those days are long gone. We don’t have the unity we once had.
A riot can occur at the most unexpected times. It seems to me that racial fighting was the main motivation in most of the riots I saw . . . and participated in. Black against white, brown against black, or brown against white. Sometimes, there was even fighting within the races, but it was still about race. For example, you’d have Mexican immigrants fighting in big riots against the Mexican American homeboys. This discourages me because I feel as if the guys I’m fighting against could be my uncles or my brothers.
These stupid riots between us always stem from some type of drug debt or power trip. I’ve been in many riots, but riots against my own race have been the most tragic. Lots of stabbing and fighting to the death. Vicious soldiers out to destroy one another, fighting the wrong enemy.
Ingredients
1 pack picante beef flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped, or 1 can (9 ounces) Vienna sausage, drained and chopped
1 can (about 12 ounces) ready-to-eat roast beef
1 bag (about 4 ounces) pork skins or rinds
½ onion, chopped
3 jalapeño chiles, chopped
¾ cup soy sauce
¾ cup grape jelly
Note: This was often sold in the commissary as “roast beef dinner with gravy.” If that’s what you find, drain off the gravy.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, combine the sausage, roast beef, pork skins, onion, jalapeños, seasoning, soy sauce, and jelly in a microwavable bowl. Mix well.
5. Cover and microwave for about 10 minutes, until hot.
6. Add the Ramen. Mix well.
by Rusty Coones
In 1999 I was rounded up in a federal conspiracy case. An attorney was once quoted as saying, “A grand jury could indict a ham sandwich under federal conspiracy laws.” I saw the evidence of that. Eventually, I was sentenced to eight years.
We had our own table where only “our guys” sat. On Sundays they brought out the toasters, but there was always a line waiting to toast bread. So we had a guy who would wait in line for us and toast the bread. We named him the Toastmaster General.
We were always looking for something to break the monotony of doing time. I liked pranking people. I got together with a couple of guys one time and we posted notices on the bulletin boards all over the prison saying it was mattress exchange day. Everyone was required to take his mattress up to the laundry room during yard time before lunch. About a hundred guys lined up at the guard shack, trying to get through the metal detector with their mattresses, until the guards figured out it was a hoax.
Rusty Coones is the lead guitar player for Attika7, a custom bike builder for Illusion Motorcycles, and a costar on Sons of Anarchy.
Ingredients
1 pack chicken flavor Ramen
½ cup water
½ cup chopped baked chicken breast
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, stir, cover, and microwave for 3 to 5 minutes, until the Ramen is soft.
3. Add the chicken, stir, re-cover, and microwave for 1 minute more.
Inmates are separated for a variety of reasons, including what is easy to see (race) and what is much more complex (gang affiliation). There’s a little prison legend about how two Hispanic groups broke apart. A long time ago, it is said that all California Hispanics were united as one in the California Department of Corrections. Northern and Southern California Hispanics stuck together and were powerful in prison and on the streets. Supposedly, one day in the late 1960s all that changed. A Southern Hispanic gang member accused a Northern gang member of stealing his boots. After weeks of mounting tension, a most vicious riot occurred between the Northern and Southern Hispanics. I’m sure there was more to it than those stinking boots, but my experience is that we Hispanics are a prideful lot, and we don’t back down from a disagreement, no matter how ridiculous it is.
To this day, these two sides are worst enemies, both in prison and now on the streets. The only thing other than race they have in common is their stinking, ugly prison boots.
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 package (5.7 to 8 ounces) microwavable dirty rice
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped, or 1 can (9 ounces) Vienna sausage, drained and chopped
½ cup chopped green beans
½ cup chopped carrots
½ cup chopped onion
Note: “Dirty rice” is white rice cooked with seasonings. If you can’t find it, any flavored microwavable rice will do.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, microwave the rice as directed on the package.
5. Add the rice to the Ramen.
6. Mix the sausage, green beans, carrots, and onion in a microwavable bowl. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes, until hot.
7. Add the sausage mixture to the Ramen and rice. Mix well.
When I first started doing time in the early 1990s, every gun tower had a sign with the same promise: ONE WARNING SHOT. This meant that if you did not get down when the alarm rang, or as soon as the first warning shot let out, the next shot would have your name on it. Many a time, I’d be eating indoors in the chow hall when a fight would start outside on the yard. The alarm would go off, signifying get down. A second later, you’d hear the first warning shot—a Mini-14 rifle aimed out the window of the gun tower toward the sky. The sound was so loud it left your ear drums ringing. It was a real attention-getter.
Gang hits in the late ’90s were getting crazier by the day—most of the attacks would continue even after the first shot rang out. Performing a hit this way, with total disregard for the warning shots, is called a “torpedo hit.” These acts were usually done by youngsters trying to make a name for themselves. Some were successful in the hit, while others might get shot and end up in worse condition than the guy they were sent out to hit.
During my time at Corcoran, in order to control the boldness of the inmates, staff made it clear that there would be no more warning shots. So then the writing under every gun tower read: WARNING. NO WARNING SHOTS! You better believe they take this shit seriously. There’s an officer straight out of the military, specialized as a sniper, just waiting to show off his marksmanship.
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 large hoagie or hero roll (big enough for two people), split open
¼ cup mayonnaise
¼ cup mustard
¼ pound sliced turkey
¼ pound sliced ham
¼ pound sliced chicken breast
1 tomato, sliced
1 onion, sliced
About 6 lettuce leaves or a handful of shredded lettuce
¼ pound sliced pepper Jack cheese
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Open the roll, leaving the sides attached. Spread the mayonnaise and mustard on the inside of the roll.
5. Spread half of the Ramen on the roll. Sprinkle half the seasoning over the Ramen.
6. Lay the turkey, ham, chicken, tomato, onion, and lettuce on top of the Ramen.
7. Add the rest of the Ramen and sprinkle with the remainder of the seasoning.
8. Top with the cheese. Close gently and hold it down while cutting it in half.
It was a cool afternoon, and I was waiting for my turn to play handball with the homies. We all noticed the scuffle on the other side of the prison yard. Once we saw who was fighting—black and brown—it was like a domino effect. One after another, every black and Hispanic inmate in the vicinity ran toward the square dance. Midway, we were cut off by a few brothers running in from the basketball court. They were squaring up to fight, and it looked like we were outnumbered and outsized. But before they could swing, the two homies I was with pulled out shanks. The square dancing continued and the brothers didn’t back down from a knife fight. Finally, there were tear gas shots, rubber bullets, and warning shots to the sky. The goon squad—special task force officers—ran in with zip ties and cuffs, and the riot was contained.
I was lying facedown in the main yard with my hands cuffed, waiting to be placed in AD-SEG (Administration Segregation), where everyone in the riot was headed. All around me I heard moans of agony and pain, but I had managed to avoid being cut or wounded badly. All I could think of at the time was eating a warm bowl of this Spicy Ramen Rice Casserole, a recipe I had just gotten right. Go figure. The stuff we think of in the most unusual circumstances.
Ingredients
2 packs chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 package (7.5 to 8.5 ounces) cheesy rice
1 pouch (5 ounces) seasoned beef crumbles or ¾ cup seasoned crumbled cooked ground beef
2 to 3 tablespoons picante sauce, or to taste
1 jalapeño chile, chopped
Notes:
• Uncle Ben’s and Old El Paso both make a cheesy rice.
• Libby’s beef crumbles were for sale at the commissary.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Meanwhile, prepare the rice as directed on the package.
5. Combine the seasoning, beef, picante sauce (to taste), and jalapeño in a separate bowl. Mix well.
6. Cover and microwave for 5 to 10 minutes, until hot.
7. Mix the beef and Ramen into the rice.
It was six-thirty on a cool Saturday morning in the California State Prison, Corcoran. My road dog Spider and I were out for our usual morning walk around the yard. Coffee in hand, beanies down past our eyebrows, we were strolling along when something caught our attention. There was an unusual number of black inmates and white inmates on the yard. They were in groups of about ten each. The vibe in the air was cold—and not just from the weather. We decided not to walk past them, and just posted up against the wall facing both large groups. Sure enough, they kicked it off! A full-blown race riot. We weren’t in a position to run from it, so we got down on the ground the second it started. From where we lay, we saw men getting stabbed, beat, and finally shot by the CO in the tower.
After the smoke from the pepper gas canisters cleared, Spider and I were escorted back to our building, unharmed. It reminded me of the movie Braveheart, the scene where the two masses run toward each other with weapons, and the bloodiest feud unfolds. It’s one thing to see it on TV or even a big movie screen, but when it’s ten feet in front of you, it’s something else altogether—and a lot more memorable, unfortunately.
Ingredients
2 packs beef flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
1½ cups or ¾ pound beef chunks (about 11 ounces)
½ cup chopped cooked potatoes
½ cup chopped celery
½ cup chopped onion
2 jalapeño chiles, chopped
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
Note: I’ve been known to double the mayonnaise if I have it handy.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Mix the roast beef, potatoes, celery, onion, and jalapeños in a large microwavable bowl. Add a little water to moisten—about 2 tablespoons.
5. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes, until hot.
6. Add the Ramen and mayonnaise. Mix well.
by Troy Duffy
I’m sitting in the courtroom facing my imminent demise, while the loud shrieks of “You killed my husband! Now his children will grow up with no daddy,” etc., etc. ring in my ears. These are the voices of the family members of the men I had killed. I feel in some way betrayed. Don’t they know what these animals they called father or husband were about? All these men were scum, the scum of this very earth! But I had been charged with three murder counts!
Then the judge gives me four f’ing minutes to respond before he sentences me on three counts of murder in the first! I’m like, “Really, Judge?!!” I’m thinking, Oh hell naaah! So I stand to respectfully retort.
“Your Honor, three? Just three? I was on Donkey Kong that day, it had to be more than three, had to be. I demand a recount!”
I also addressed the gallery. “As for your husbands, fathers, and sons, apparently neither this court nor the media asked the following rather obvious questions. What were they all doing in those woods, armed to the teeth, with twenty other douches assaulting a house filled with people who kill known criminals for a living? Now, granted I’m aware that I was fresh in the game. I get it. I totally get it. I’m a nobody. But those other three? My associates? Whooo, all they did was kill assholes, all day every day. Seriously, they’re like the holy trinity of asshole killers! Now, during the discovery process, I was provided the criminal histories of your husbands, fathers, and sons . . .”
At this point my lawyer rudely interrupts me and whispers in my ear, “I gave those to you confidentially, wasn’t supposed to, blah blah blah . . .” To which I say, “WTF?! You were a shitty lawyer anyways. I hope you get in trouble. And Judge, if you need me to testify against this douche bag, no problem! Back to biz!”
So I turn to the gallery to perform my well-thought-out last hurrah speech, looking each person in the eyes. “Your husband was a rapist. Your father was a murdering rapist, and your son was a drug-dealing murderer who, to his credit, wasn’t much for rape. Guess he really stood up to the peer pressure. But let’s talk big picture. If there is any justice in the next world, your husbands, fathers, and sons are spending their days being force-fed demon cocks in hell and capping off every evening with a good old-fashioned ass raping from Satan himself. Well, except the lone nonrapist. Let’s hope the Prince of Darkness rolls with the ‘punishment fits the crime’ crowd.”
Then out of the corner of my eye, I catch this little girl, and my heart bleeds. “My only regret here is you, dear. I think in the years to come you are going to look into this and come down to my side, especially once you realize how your own family pimped you out to the media. For you, I just have sort of a, a, like a very soft ‘fuck you.’ Enough to let you know where I sat, ya’ know? But not enough to . . .” Then she starts wailing.
I can’t take it, so I turn to the judge. “Well, shit. Sorry. Judge, go ahead and throw the book. You know you want to.”
The judge can’t wait to sentence me, but then I realize I still have some time on the clock!
“HANG ON! Still got some time, and I’d just like to say . . . prison: looking forward to it. Haven’t seen the ‘family’ in a while; besides, it’s time to check in. Back to three hots and a cot and mandatory workouts. Could use a little more ink, too. Shit, ain’t nothing changed but the time and the weather! Looking forward to cooking up my old Ramen spread with the fellows!”
Troy Duffy is a director, screenwriter, and musician. He directed The Boondock Saints and The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. This monologue imagines a scene in which Romeo from Boondock II, played by Clifton Collins Jr. as a ferocious underdog, addresses the court. He is on trial for murder after a barrage of bullets ended in a bloodbath that left several mobsters dead.
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1½ cans (about 4 ounces each) mackerel, drained
1 can (3 to 4 ounces) sardines in hot sauce
1 can (3 to 4 ounces) smoked oysters, drained
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Add the seasoning, mackerel, sardines, oysters, and mayonnaise. Mix well.
When a federal inmate gets transferred to another prison, it’s usually by air or bus. If it’s by air, it’s con-air. Do not eat or drink the night before a transfer of any kind. When you are handcuffed, shackled from waist and ankles, it is very difficult to use the restroom. And the guards don’t really care how difficult it might be. I learned from the accidents of others that it’s better to stay prepared for what’s ahead. No matter how hungry I get or how weak I feel, I’d rather have an empty stomach than a full load.
A few days before you transfer, try a meal like this one. You’ll have energy to spare, even after you’ve eliminated most of the meal.
Ingredients
2 packs beef flavor Ramen
3 cups water
½ cup chopped carrots
½ cup chopped cooked potatoes
½ cup chopped celery
½ cup chopped green beans
½ cup beef broth
3 tablespoons soy sauce
½ cup cooked beef chunks
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a large microwavable bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, carrots, potatoes, celery, green beans, beef broth, soy sauce, and beef. Mix well.
3. Cover and microwave for 8 to 10 minutes, until hot.
by Jacob Vargas
A lot of people ask me how I got to be known as the “Aztec Warrior.” It all started when I was doing a stretch at Tracy. I hated doing time, eh. I got claustrophobia and shit, eh. I don’t like locked doors! No more locked doors! Damn where was I? Oh yeah. So I was locked up and there was this female prison guard who kept flirting with me and shit. She told me she wanted to see my mini me. I must admit I was a bit nervous. It had been a long time since I’d done it with an actual woman. So my cellmate Lil Puppet (every Vato Loco knows a Lil Puppet) schooled me on a secret Ramen recipe that is guaranteed to get your lil soldier to attack and take no prisoners! It was called Ramen-Agra. Let me tell you this shit worked, eh! I took care of business and then some. I gave new meaning to the term “penal system”! She called me her Aztec Warrior. Ramen-Agra is great to eat right before a conjugal visit. Your lady will keep coming back for more. It will also keep her from running into Sancho’s arms while you’re locked up. If you’re freaky and want to make it extra pungent, add a little oyster sauce. Just make sure your lady isn’t allergic to seafood, if you know what I mean. Also make sure your cellmate doesn’t eat too much of it or you might have to sleep with one eye open.
Jacob Vargas is an actor who has appeared in several films, notably Traffic and Jarhead. He is perhaps most identified with his role as Joker in the film Next Friday. Vargas wrote this piece as Joker, taking his life a step beyond the movie. This is Joker telling the story of his time behind bars.
Ingredients
1 pack shrimp flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
3 cans (about 3 ounces each) smoked oysters
1½ cans (about 4 ounces) mackerel
2 cans (3 ounces each) smoked baby clams
2 jalapeño chiles, chopped
Hot sauce
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl with seasoning from the packet.
2. Add the boiling water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Add the oysters, mackerel, baby clams, and jalapeños. Mix well.
4. Add hot sauce to taste.
Sometimes the inmate-on-inmate beatings you see in prison are for reasons that could make you laugh if they weren’t ultimately so tragic. I watched a guy get beaten so badly he lost his eye. He was caught red-handed stealing onions that a bunch of other inmates had smuggled in. He was beaten with a weapon known as the “lock in the sock.” This is a heavy iron padlock concealed inside a tube sock. The sock is knotted, and when it is swung quickly, making contact with soft parts of the body, it will cause severe damage, sometimes death.
One man loses an eye, another gets years added to his sentence. For vegetables! The guys who had been stolen from may have wanted to forget it, and say it’s just not worth it, but there was no option. It’s the convict code, the law of the land. Fight, and you spend longer in prison; walk away, and your life in prison is made even harder because you’re an easy mark. You’re stuck either way.
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
¾ cup boiling water
¾ cup crumbled cooked hamburger
¾ cup chopped cooked chicken breast
½ red onion, chopped
1 jalapeño chile, chopped
½ bag (2-ounce bag) pork skins or rinds
3 tablespoons strawberry jelly
3 tablespoons soy sauce
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Mix the hamburger, chicken, seasoning, onion, jalapeño, pork skins, jelly, and soy sauce in a large microwavable bowl.
4. Cover and microwave for about 5 minutes. Stir, re-cover, and microwave for 5 minutes more, until hot.
5. Add the Ramen. Mix well.
Gustavo “Goose” Alvarez
I was in my mid-thirties when I joined a recovery program at the California Correctional Institution in Tehachapi. I was tired of hearing the same bullshit in my life. I knew I had issues with my temper, but I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do about it. Until my recovery counselor told me a story that I continue to share with anyone who seems to need it. This is how I remember hearing it.
There was a village in Africa that was suffering from a mysterious disease. It was killing the animals, the elders, the kids—just everyone. A group of scientists came to investigate. They found that the drinking water from the local river was contaminated with a deadly bacteria. They went to find the source of the water. It turns out it was coming from a mountain range where there was a huge pool of fresh water from melted mountain snow. The researchers tested that pool of water and found it worse than the actual river water! So they had a diving team go to the bottom of the pool to see what was causing this deadly bacteria. At the bottom of the pool they found a huge wild boar stuck at the opening where all the fresh water flowed into the river and down to the village. All the water was being filtered through this rotten pig, which caused the deadly bacteria to flow all the way down the river and infect everyone. Once the pig was pulled out, the fresh water coursed through and everyone was able to live healthy, normal lives.
I didn’t understand what this story had to do with my anger problems until my counselor asked me some questions. We ended up talking about one of my childhood friends. He was a crime partner I thought I could trust. When he had a chance to snitch and go free, that’s exactly what he did. He pointed a finger and gave up all the evidence to find me guilty and sentenced to ten years. We had been best friends, and I never thought this could happen. I buried this anger and betrayal deep down, but it was affecting me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. When there was a snitch on the prison yard, I would volunteer to “handle him,” as we’d say. My trust issues were ruining my relationships with everyone. Having a short fuse didn’t help.
When I finally came to terms with all this and realized my old friend was the rotten pig affecting me and my “village,” I was told to do what seemed impossible: forgive him. You can imagine my anger when I heard this. After a couple of months, I finally stepped up to face it. Not many convicts agree with the idea of forgiveness, but I was tired and just needed some change in my life. So I forgave him. I even sent him a letter explaining how I had been feeling all these years and told him not to worry. Our feud was over and I did not hold him responsible anymore. He responded, and from his letter it was clear he’d been carrying the heavy weight of what he had done. His apology was sincere, and I accepted it. Things have turned out so much better.
When you let stuff go, it’s like being able to take a deep breath for the first time. Check yourself. Who knows what rotten pig you may be dealing with and how it might affect others in your life. I have found that life is just too short for grudges.
