DIRECTOR'S OFFICE, RADCLIFFE ASYLUM
"I 'm not going to do that!" Tom Truckle protests. He fidgets in his place and reaches for his pills from the drawer.
The Pillar and I sit opposite to him in his office. We exchange looks while we're on the verge of bursting into laughter. I have to admit that spending time with the Pillar has taught me to just let go and give in to all the madness in the world.
"I am not asking much," I tell Truckle. "I just want a Certificate of Insanity."
"There is no such thing." Truckle gulps water to let the pill slide down. "And even if there is, I just can't do it. This is insane. You are insane."
"See, that's why I want a Certificate of Insanity." I am doing my best not to giggle.
"Please, Tommy." The Pillar rests his hands on his cane. "We've got work to do, and you're stalling."
"You are insane as well," Truckle says.
"Thank you, but I don't need a certificate myself. It's poor Alice here who needs it. Look at her. She is so innocent." I pull my legs together and squeeze my hands between them, flapping my eyelashes and sulking all over him. I'm really enjoying this. "How else can we prove she is insane?" the Pillar adds.
"Something tells me you're going to do something mad with this certificate." Truckle is losing it. The pressure the Pillar is putting him under is unbelievable. The doctor is breaking all the rules to keep his job.
"Please don't use words like 'mad' and 'retarded.' It really hurts." The Pillar is playing this just right. I am going to laugh until I cry when I get out.
"I didn't say 'retarded'!" Truckle grips his chair, face red like a tomato before the explosion. "Besides, what do you want me to call you?"
"'Mushroom' is a good word. Right, Alice?" The Pillar looks at me.
"Yes." I blink innocently again. "Mushroom. I am a Mushroom." The Pillar nods and pats me gently. "You're a Mushroom," I say to the Pillar, then turn to Dr. Truckle. "And you're a Mushroom, too."
"I'm not a Mushroom!" Dr. Truckle stands up, slamming his hands on the desk. I think he should seriously consider reporting the Pillar's escape and lose his job, or he'll end up in one of the underground wards.
"Yes, you are." I stare at him as if he is sick. "You have those red spots on your face. What are those, Dr. Truckle?"
"What?" He touches his face. "What spots?"
"I think it may be chickenpox." The Pillar worsens the joke: "Mushroompox , maybe?"
"You're messing with my head!" Dr. Truckle screams. I can see the veins pumping on his neck. "Here is your certificate." He pulls out an official paper from the drawer and signs it. "Get out!"
The Pillar cranes his neck to see what Dr. Truckle is writing. "Please, Dr. Truckle. Don't write that," he protests.
Dr. Truckle looks puzzled.
"What did he write?" I stand up and stamp my feet. "Is it about me?" I fold my arms in front of me.
"He wrote…" The Pillar pretends he can't bring himself to say it. "He wrote that you're 'insane in the membrane' and 'cuckoo in the head.'"
"Did you write that?" I sneer at Dr. Truckle.
"No." Dr. Truckle waves his arms defensively. "I swear I didn't."
I take the certificate angrily, then read it. It's what we're looking for. The Pillar and I stand up, ready to leave. But before we go, I get onto the desk and kiss Dr. Truckle on the cheek, then run my hands slowly over his nose. We've played the poor guy too much. When I kiss him, it's like I've electrocuted him with my lips. I think he is going to pee himself. "And you haven't even tried shock therapy yet," I whisper in his ear.
"Let's go, Alice," the Pillar says. "We're late for our plane to London." He waves my Certificate of Insanity in front of him. We're going to need it to meet the Duchess.