"I am my son." I do my best to sound like older folks.
"What's with your voice, father? Ah, it must have softened from gazing at the holy face of the Lord," Jack says. He's dead serious. I didn't know he has this side to him. "Tell me, father. What does he look like?"
"Who?" I frown in the dark as I hear the battle taking place outside.
"The Lord, father. I bet he is a cool guy, right?"
"How dare you even think to speak of the Lord?" It takes all the breath in my stomach to imitate such a voice.
"Oh, I am sorry." Jack's eyes are trying to see through the dark. "You see, I came to ask your opinion on something. I am in love with a girl. Her name is Alice. Alice Wonder. She is awesome, like marshmallow awesome."
I don't say anything, or I will laugh. I am not affected by him saying he is in love with me. I don't even know him, and he is weird. Also, I think he is a player. Good-looking guys like him must have a lot of girlfriends.
"I am crazy about her," he says. "I mean, really. I have no idea why. You know what I think, father? I think she is insane. Like, really insane. Tutti frutti insane."
"Then why are you telling me this?" I cough to hide my voice.
"I thought you could talk to her about me. Tell her that I am a great guy. All I need is a date with her."
A spear smashes through the confession booth and hits the wall behind me, right behind my ear. I scream.
"Father? Seriously, something's wrong with your voice," Jack says.
"I'm not a father, you annoying stalker!" I yell at him.
"Alice? What are you doing here in the Vatican?"
"I was going to ask you the same question." I bang the door open. Fighting the Reds is much better than talking nonsense to this Jack Diamonds.
"Use the hood," he tells me when we're outside.
"Can you just go?" I bang one of the Reds with my umbrella.
"Suit yourself," he says and puts on the Red's hood. "I'm going to disappear." He buries his face under the hood and turns hollow. He begins killing Reds with his bare hands. Jack fights in the strangest ways. He kicks and hits as if he is a kung fu fighter. A horrible one, actually. But it works.
I find the closest Red hood and put it on. What a genius idea. When I approach them, they think I am one of them, and I keep hitting them with the umbrella. The White Queen and the Pillar are fighting on the other side of the church. They can't see me because of the angle, but I can hear their voices. There are a few Reds left alive. I don't even know who those Reds are.
Jack and I come back to back while fighting. "How do you know about that weird kung fu slash samurai stuff?" I shout.
"It's not kung fu," Jack says. "It's None Fu. Short for Nonsense Fu. It's basically karate, jujitsu, kung fu, and every other fighting technique in the world. Some like to call it the Art of Nonsense." He kicks one of the Reds, saying, "Aiya!"
"Nonsense?"
"It's the way Lewis Carroll used to fight," he explains.
"You knew Lewis Carroll?"
"That's a long story." Jack turns around and faces me. "You look so hollow," he says.
"You too." I laugh. "You think that's why the Reds left?" Since we stopped fighting, they've all gone, thinking we were part of them. They've probably run to Fabiola and the Pillar.
"Do you think we should kiss now?" he says.
"Heck no." What's wrong with this guy?
"I mean, we don't even see our faces. It wouldn't hurt to try to see if we could feel them."
"You're obnoxious." I pull away from him. "Why do you keep following me?"
"The heart has reason that reason doesn't know of."
"Oh, please." I wave my hands in the air. "Grow up. And please leave me alone."
The Pillar and Fabiola come running toward me. "One left to go, and they're all dead." The Pillar is about to choke me with his hose.
"Wait. It's me." I take the hood off. "And him…" When I point to Jack, he's gone. I wonder if I was too harsh on him.
"That was a brilliant idea," the Pillar says, sitting on the bank and panting. "We could have just killed you."
"Don't listen to him, Alice." The White Queen salutes me. "It was a smart move. You're still learning. And I saw you give them heck. You are brave. Did you see how she killed some of the Reds, Pillar?"
"And I thought it was 'thou shalt not kill.'" He sighs and stands up. "Come on, Alice, we have a plane to catch."
"I know." I can't even catch my breath in this fast-paced Wonderland War. "We're going to Belgium to find the Cheshire."
"As a matter of fact, no," the Pillar says. "We're heading back to the asylum. It's late, and if you don't show up there, Waltraud and Ogier will be suspicious. I don't want Tommy to be exposed. You're supposed to be in his care by morning. That's what he tells the underground ward."
"A hero by day, a loon by night," I mumble. "I hope I see you again, Fabiola."
"I'm sure you will." She kisses me on the forehead. "Although you're not the Alice, I've felt tremendous love for you since I met you. Now go. I have a prayer to attend and thousands of people who shouldn't see me with a sword."
"Take care of yourself." I kiss her on the cheek.
"Can we just stop all the lovey-dovey moments and move on?" The Pillar pulls me by the hand. "Say hi to God for me, Fabiola. Tell him I am sorry I smoked in his booth and killed in his church. Is there repentance for that?"
"Stop," the White Queen says. "Let me tell you about the Cheshire's past first."