LADIES' DEPARTMENT, HARRODS, LONDON
T he Pillar stands outside my fitting room, fluff-talking to the young girls selling all kinds of expensive outfits. I am inside the booth, resisting the urge to pull the curtain and warn the infatuated girls of him.
The working girls are all ears. They are so into his stories.
He is dressed in his regular blue tuxedo with horizontal golden stripes. His gloves are a shiny white, and he is wearing a magician's hat with a golden ribbon on his head.
Although he looks much paler, and his skin seems to be worsening—slightly peeling off day by day—the girls don't pay attention to such turn-offs. I understand they are young and naive—I am young myself, though days spent in an asylum make me feel older—but I am amazed at their infatuation with the short, sneaky man.
The Pillar enjoys entertaining them, messing with their heads. He starts by predicting what they like the most, and what kind of guy they would love to date. His predictions are always right.
The girls ditch most of the customers at Harrods and circle the Pillar while he brags about his adventures in the Queen of England's palace. The Pillar, unbeknownst to me, claims he'd been one of the many personal advisors to the Queen of England at some point. With a doctorate in philosophy, he says he had been very useful.
My guess is those girls never read newspapers, or it would have crossed their minds that he is Pillar the Killer, one of Britain's notorious murderers. Maybe, like he theorized before, people are really in love with villains like him.
"So, the Queen of England really counts her Brazilian nuts each night?" a giggling girl says.
"She is obsessed with her nuts." The Pillar points a finger to the girl's skull. "If you know what I mean." The girl laughs. "Bowl after bowl, the Queen marks them with a yellow marker to see if the nuts have dipped." He is conspiracy-talking now, making the girls feel special. "It started years ago when she'd imported a set of exotic nuts for her son's royal wedding. The guards, having never tasted such amazing peanuts, had to dip in sooner or later. A big mistake." He waves his forefinger.
"Why?" a bright-eyed but not bright-minded girl asks.
"Yes, why?" her friend follows.
"The Queen's peanuts are addictive," the Pillar says. "The guards couldn't stop nibbling on them."
"But then the Queen must have been mad," the giggling girl says.
"I heard she took the matter to the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom," another girl suggests.
"True," the Pillar says. "It was on Parliament's 'most important discussions' a few years ago."
I pull the curtain and peek from behind it, hoping there is a point behind this conversation.
"Parliament granted the Queen immunity from her dishonest guards." He purses his lips with sarcasm. "They granted her a first-class security system she can install in her chamber to keep away the guards while she is asleep. The Queen's nuts are a matter of national security now."
The girls laugh hysterically. I do, too. I admit it. The story is insanely amusing. I heard it on the radio on our way to Harrods. A few ladies nearby were talking about it too. It seemed like an impossible story spread by a cheap newspaper, but it is a true story.
"You know what I really think the Queen did?" the Pillar whispers to them. The girls step in closer. I almost fall semi-naked out of the booth, eavesdropping. "I think the Queen brutally punished her guards, regardless of the word from Parliament."
"Punished them?" The girls exchange Barbie-like worried looks. "How do you think she did that?"
"I think she went, 'Off with their heads!'" He pantomimes a knife cutting through his neck with his hand.
"Like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland ?" The not-so-bright one's doe eyes widen.
The Pillar nods and leans back. "Just don't tell anyone." He pantomimes zipping his mouth.
The girls are horrified. They can't tell if the Pillar is joking or not. Nor can I. Is he suggesting the Queen of England is the Queen of Hearts? I don't even want to consider the possibility.
"One more thing," he says, breaking the tension. "Do you have any idea who paid for the Queen's expensive security system?"
The girls shake their heads.
"You." He points at each of them, mustering a serious face.
"Us?" The girls are genuinely puzzled.
"From the taxes you pay." He rubs a thumb against his fore and middle fingers, indicating money.
"Really?" The girls' hands snap back to their mouths. This time, they manage to show anger. I would.
Did I pay for the Queen's security system, too? Do insane people pay taxes?
"The Queen's nuts are that important." The Pillar ends his lesson with a bang, pulls his chin up and turns back to me. "Alice!" He raises his cane, leaving a set of middle-class girls almost teary behind them. One of them actually quits her job on the spot. "Have you found an appropriate dress yet?" he asks.
I stare at him. Really stare at him. All kinds of thoughts flicker in my head. I want to punch him. I want to bring back time to a point where I have never met him. I want to deliver him to the authorities. But I also want to laugh with him. As he approaches me, a flash of Wonderland sparks before my eyes. It's a short one about me talking to a caterpillar atop of an immense mushroom.
The flash disappears in a flash .
"Who are you?" I ask the Pillar approaching me in Harrods. I am sincerely wishing for an answer. A fragment of an answer will do. "I mean, really, Pillar, who are you?"
He laughs. "I used to ask you that question in Wonderland." He stops before me, knocking his cane against the floor. "And I actually do it with style. Hoo aaare yoooh?" Hookah smoke swirls out of his mouth as he ends his sentence. He hasn't even brought his hookah with him. I cough, closing my eyes, not wanting to get sedated again.
If I close my eyes and open them again, will my world ever change for the better?
When I open my eyes, the Pillar is gone. No wonder Dr. Truckle connects him to Harry Houdini.