ALICE'S CELL, RADCLIFFE LUNATIC ASYLUM, OXFORD
Waltraud and Ogier enter the room and help me to a chair. At first, I tell them I don't need a wheelchair because I can walk. But then I discover my legs are even number than my arms. I let them wheel me through the corridor underground. Patients are holding their cell bars without saying a word.
Not even Waltraud or Ogier talk to me. They roll me into my cell, which terrifies me when I enter it. Nothing is really different, but a mirror is stacked on the wall right in front of me.
I shield my eyes and shout, "What is this mirror doing here?"
"Relax," Waltraud says in her German accent. "The mirror won't bite you."
"You don't understand." I press my eyelids tighter. "Get it away from here."
"You have to face your fears," Waltraud says. "Doctor's orders."
"I can't," I plead. "Please take it away."
"I can't too," she says. "Your doctor said you have to look in the mirror. Nothing bad will come out of it but the truth. And it's time to face the truth, Alice. You can't keep denying what happened to you. Face your fears, and you might be out of here sooner than you think."
"Deny what happened to me?" I have no idea what she is talking about. Then a thought occurs to me and somewhat changes my mind.
I am mad. Totally bonkers, hallucinating a whole world in my mind. Then I wake up on a couch and a doctor tells me I need to push my imagination to the limit in order to heal. I WANT TO HEAL. Maybe I should push it further and look in the mirror. What do I have to lose? Vomiting or fainting again when seeing the scary rabbit?
I take a deep breath and open my eyes.
Nothing happens—just like in Wonderland. Maybe I am finally cured of my phobia.
The mirror in front of me has no rabbit in it. There are only a few dirt stains on its surface and a cobweb on the frame's upper left. But no white rabbit sneering at me.
It doesn't mean I shouldn't panic. In fact, I might cry for hours. Days. Years.
The girl in the mirror in front of me is tied in a straitjacket and sitting in a wheelchair, not because her legs are numb, but because she is paralyzed.
"It happened after your accident," Waltraud says. She looks happy I am finally realizing my dilemma and facing my fears. "You're the only one who survived, but like this." She points her prod at my feet. "See, that's what the doctor meant. Facing your fears. You made up this silly story about a rabbit appearing in the mirror so you wouldn't confront the reality of your paralysis."
My eyes scan the room for my Tiger Lily, but it's gone. I feel lonelier, pushed into a dark corner too tight for my size.
"I'd like to be alone," I say, still holding the tears, but not sure for how long.
"I can't object to that. You're a lucky girl. The doctor denied me the satisfaction of your shock therapy for the whole week." She turns to walk away, but then stops and looks at me in the mirror. "But, I am sure you will do something stupid and be my slave in the Mush Room again." She laughs and closes the door.
Alone again. I can't stand any of this. Whether it's true or not, I close my eyes and pray to God to get me out of this, even it means to send me back to the insane world I have supposedly imagined. I don't mind being mad. I don't mind the madness in the world if only I get up walking again. If this is really my real and sane world, then I am in love with my insane one. Whether I am imagining it or not, I want to be the girl who saves lives. Please, I want to wake up from this.