THE PAST: BUS STATION, OXFORD
J ack surprises me, returning within seconds. He is still holding his stomach but stands next to me in the station. “I think I can take the pain,” he says. “I know how much the trip means to you.”
I don’t give a damn. It’s good that he is back. I grip his hand tighter, so I don’t lose him this time. I don’t even thank him.
“What happened to your professor?” He points at the girls gathering around the Pillar, making sure he is all right.
“Don’t bother,” I tell Jack, then I turn to the girls. “Hey, you don’t want to miss the bus. Come over here.”
One of them swears at me, describing how cruel I am. As if I care. The rest of the girls are too naive to comment or get back at me. Frankly, all I see is jealousy. They’re jealous of Jack’s devotion to me. How I managed to make him love me, I can’t remember.
Across the street, the Queen’s limousine still waits. The Reds are in every corner, watching me. Even Lorina and Edith are standing by the curb. Why hasn’t the bus arrived yet?
Don’t do it, Alice. The nagging voice arises again. You can change the future for the better. You can still purge your sins.
I want to kill that stupid girl inside me, but don’t have an idea how. But it doesn’t matter; soon enough the bus will arrive, and we’ll get this over with. I’m in control. The Bad Alice is in control.
No, you aren’t, the nagging voice says. You really aren’t.
The nagging voice is too confident this time. I wonder why. It scares me. Why is my good side so confident I will fail?
Look at him, it says. Just look at him.
Look at whom? I tilt my head and stare at Jack. He is still aching, but he’s nothing but a ring on my finger now. I’ll tell him where to go and what to do. Not him, the voice says. But him.
Who? I look left and right, panicking. Is the Good Alice trying to play games with my mind?
There is no one here that can change my mind. No one.
I keep repeating this to myself… until I see him.
Not Jack, but the boy the Good Alice is pointing at. A boy who is going to change my life. How? I’m not sure.
I find myself staring at a boy wearing an exquisite black hat. He is standing across the street. He has a confident and rough attitude about him, but that’s not what attracts me. I know him.
I know him in the strangest ways.
It’s not even logical that I recognize him. But I do. I can’t forget the voice of the man I’m going to marry in the future. Did you wake up, baby? I remember him saying when I was in the future in the Wonderland Compound.
I’m staring at the boy I don’t know but will change my life.
But even so, the Bad Alice in me is still stubborn enough to complete her mission. I am still determined to kill everyone on the bus. Who said I have to marry this boy in the future? Who said he has an influence on me?
You really don’t get it. The nagging voice is laughing at me now. Wait until he crosses over to the bus station. You’re toast. The Good Alice will win. It’s going to be painful, but I will win.
The boy does cross the street. And with every closer look at him, I begin to understand how the Good Alice will win.
Again, in the strangest ways.
With each step closer, I see the boy in a very different way. I recognize him and relate to him — although I’ve never seen him before — in the most emotional ways.
It’s in his eyes. It’s in his cheeks. In his walk. It’s in my children I see through him.
I gasp, noticing Lily has his eyes. Tiger has his pompous and manly walk. Lily has his cheekbones. Tiger has his pursed-lipped smile. I can go on forever.