Buckingham Palace, Queen’s garden.
T he Queen watched her doctors trying to put Humpty Dumpty’s head back on. They struggled with it. The boy’s head was much heavier and bigger than most children his age. It was also a horrendous operation knitting it back onto his neck.
“So he’s going to live?” the Queen asked, chin up, hands behind her back, wearing rabbit flip-flops for a change.
“It’s too soon to tell,” the doctor said. “We’re knitting the head back on. The rest needs divine intervention.”
“What’s divine intervention?”
“It’s when you need God to intervene and save someone.”
“Never heard of that,” the Queen said, rubbing her chin.
“It’s like when God lets people live while he decides others will die.”
“Ah.” She clicked thumb and forefinger. “You mean like when I chop off heads or don’t chop off heads. I decide who lives and who dies.”
The doctor shrugged, not sure if he should object or explain things further. He certainly could get his head chopped off if he spoke.
“Anyhoo,” she said, smiling.
“Anyhoo?” the doctor asked.
“It’s a hip word I heard the kids say,” she said. “I like it. Nonsensical, and I like how you have to ball up your lips in the end like you’re going to kiss someone. Any-hoooo .”
“Whatever you say, my Queen.”
“So like I said: Anyhoo, I think my Humpty will live. It happened to him before in Wonderland. He’d fallen off a wall and splashed open like an Easter egg. Lewis wrote a rhyme about it.”
“And he still lived?”
“Yes. Became a little dumber, though. He is like an egg. You can certainly glue its shell back together, but you can’t squeeze all the yolk back in.”
“I don’t think we can afford him becoming any dumber,” the doctor said, staring at Humpty balled up on the table.
“What’s wrong with dumb?” she demanded. “I love dumb people. Now get your dumb arse out of my chamber before I chop it off.” She stopped in her tracks, a forefinger pressed to her lips. “Did I just say I love your arse in the last sentence?”
The doctor suppressed a laugh and hurried toward the door.
“Wait,” she said. “Margaret will want to see me because of this Chessmaster situation. I don’t want her to see her kid like this or she will give me a hard time, so tell her I am busy.”
“Busy?” the doctor said. “Doing what?”
“I am the Queen, dammit! I can be busy playing with my big toe if I want to. Get out!”
Then she patted the poor kid while staring at the massacre in the garden. It was mesmerizing staring at the dead guards who’d just killed each other over a woof, woof.
But she had no time for lamenting. She picked up the phone and dialed a fourteen-digit number.
“Mr. Jay,” she said. “I assume you heard about the Chessmaster.”
“I did, and I don’t like it.” The answer came in low tones from the phone.
“Let me guess. You don’t like it because we don’t know who he really is?”
“That’s exactly it. I’ve never heard of a Chessmaster in Wonderland. True, Lewis had been obsessed with chess after visiting Russia, where he invented the famous zashchishchaiushchikhsya None Fu move, but he never revealed the Chessmaster’s identity.”
“Not even in Alice Through the Looking Glass ?”
“I’m not sure.”
“So, all we know is that the Chessmaster knows what the Six Keys are for?”
“That’s all Lewis mentioned in his diaries, but I’m starting to doubt that. I’m not sure.”
“If I may ask, sir,” the Queen said, “aren’t you supposed to know what the keys are for?”
“Of course I do—so do you and most of those interested in the Wonderland Wars.”
“So why is the Chessmaster important? We can nuke him like we did Hiroshima when you advised the Americans to do so, and get rid of him. I know we’d lose the world leaders, but I’ve already planted their substitutes of my madmen all over the world. We could rule the world by tomorrow afternoon.”
“It’s not about knowing what the keys’ ultimate purpose is—we both know what that is. The problem is what do they open to get to our ultimate purpose.”
“Ah.” The Queen scratched her head. “So even knowing their location now isn’t enough, because we don’t know where to stick them.”
“Stick them, yes.” Mr. Jay sounded irritated with her. “Call me when you know something. I have other concerns at the moment.”
“Really?”
“Someone kidnapped Alice on her way to my castle, and I need to know who he is, then get her back.”