The River
L ost in my thoughts, I feel sorry for the Mushroomers. I feel like I have let them down. They must think life was much saner inside the asylum, in the comfort of a cell and guaranteed meals every day. The Mush Room and the pain are paradises compared to being outside. Being mad isn’t that bad. Being hated and humiliated tops the pain a million times.
I’d like to pretend I’m the strongest girl in the world, but I am not. I can save myself. I can save Constance — and the March. How am I supposed to get all those Mushroomers out alive?
“Alice!” Constance shouts at me, waking me up from my haze.
I hear her but am unable to speak. Tears are about to roll down my eyes. I hold them back. All the enthusiastic words I’ve just told Constance minutes ago mean nothing to me right now.
I know we need to get the Mushroomers to a safe place. I know we need to wake up the March and save his life, then find out whatever secret he wanted to tell us before he passed out. But none of this matters, as I start to feel lost and unable to help anyone, even myself.
“Alice!” Constance’s voice is getting fainter. The noise of the battle is just a hiss in the background. A monotonous silence clogs my ears. I am all in my head now.
All I am thinking about is that maybe I am just mad. Perhaps none of this is really happening. Maybe I am in a Mush Room somewhere, shocked to death, in hopes for a cure. It could all be a nightmare in the head of a girl struggling with facing every day’s life, like everyone else.
What the hell is wrong with me? Even if I am mad, why do I feel this way?
My gaze diverts toward the asylum. Suddenly, I know what’s troubling me. It’s not that I am a coward or lazy or unable to stand for myself and my friends. I’ve done it a hundred times before. This time it’s different.
My eyes are still fixated on the place that has just burned down with Jack and the Pillar inside.
A bitter laugh tickles my lips. It reminds me that maybe Jack is all in my imagination as well.
Please let it all be a crazy girl’s dream.
“Alice!” Constance’s voice slowly surfaces back. “Alice!”
It’s not a dream. It just isn’t. And it sucks. I’ll have to wake up and turn around and face the day. I’ll have to pretend that I know what I am doing and be there for everyone counting on me.
Before I do, the image of the burning asylum behind us reminds me of the Pillar. Damn you, strange and wicked man. If my life isn’t a dream, then who are you?
And Jack, whether you’re a figment of my imagination or not, I know I love you. I don’t have time to ask what you were doing inside, or why you pretended you were the Dude. I just don’t have time for the two most important men in my world, because now they are gone.
I take a deep breath, my eyes open wide. The world is in chaos. My friends need my help, and I have to come up with a solution. In the back of my mind, I wonder if I am anything useful without the Pillar. He has always been there for me, with all his devious plans and motives. I, Alice Wonder, now wonder if I can do it alone.
The man with the semi-automatic shoots. I pull Constance and duck with her, face planted to the bottom of the boat. She stares at me in shock.
“You saved my life,” she says.
“I know,” I say.