Past: The Poison Garden, Alnwick, Northumberland,
“L ewis Carroll himself,” the Pillar said.
Carroll looked behind him and saw the caterpillar sitting atop of a huge white mushroom, smoking his favorite hookah.
“Haw mayh ah halp yoooh?” the Pillar said slowly, comfortably, and numbly. With his beady eyes and relaxed posture, leaning back, he seemed like he had all the time in the world — to smoke all the drugs in the world.
“I wouldn’t say I need your help,” Lewis said with pride. “You’re nothing but a merchant and I am nothing but a customer.”
The Pillar put the hookah aside and rubbed his eyes. “You’re Lewis Carroll, aren’t you?”
“In the flesh.”
“Did you just call yourself a customer?” the Pillar grinned.
“Yes,” Lewis said with dishonor.
“Do you have problems at home?” the Pillar didn’t lose his grin, but tilted his head.
“What?”
“Problems with women?”
“I am not following.”
“Did you do something wrong?”
“Wait. Why do you ask?”
“It’s the one reason you would want to buy drugs from me.”
“No,” Lewis waved his hand in the air. “You misunderstood. I don’t want drugs.”
“Then you lose, my friend,” the Pillar leaned back to his hookah, disappointed. “The way out of the garden is here,” he pointed west then squinted. “Wait, it’s here,” he pointed east. “Nah, I think it’s here. Whatever. Suit yourself and find your way out like you found your way in.”
“But I want you to help me,” Lewis said. “Well, I said it. I admit it. I need your help.”
“If it doesn’t have anything to do with drugs, then you should go get help from your mother. I’m not into emotional assistance.”
“I need a mushroom.”
The Pillar leaned forward again. “I see,” he rubbed his chin. “So you’re a reluctant user. You want to try but aren’t sure, right?”
“That’s not it. I need a mushroom to forget.”
“Ohhh,” the words came out slow and thoughtful. “So you’ve done something bad. Very bad.”
“It’s not like that. I know a secret and need to forget so Carolus doesn’t know about it.”
“Then don’t tell Carolus,” the Pillar said nonchalantly.
“Carolus is inside me. In fact, he is me.”
“Hmm… so you want a mushroom to keep a secret away from yourself?”
“Close enough.”
The Pillar laughed wholeheartedly. He shook on the spongy mushroom underneath him. “I always knew you were a loon.”
“So how much does it cost?”
“That kind of mushroom costs a lot.”
“I have money.”
The Pillar laughed, “I never understand why people think money is valuable.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean all the money in the world doesn’t get you that kind of mushroom. In fact, I rarely get paid in money.”
“Then how do you get paid?”
“A currency more valuable and precise and swift than money.”
“Which is?”
“I get paid in favors,” the Pillar winked. “I scratch your back, you scratch mine.”
Lewis seemed reluctant. He couldn’t imagine what kind of favor the Pillar would ask of him. They weren’t even two different sides of a coin. The two men were two completely different coins. What would they have in common that the Pillar would consider a favor?
“What do you want?” Lewis asked.
The Pillar rubbed his hand and leaned ever closer. His eyes gleamed with excitement. “I want to get married.”