The whole-hearted approach to mindfulness
People start their mindfulness journeys for their own reasons: to manage stress and anxiety, to cope with challenges in life, to find more serenity and relaxation – perhaps out of curiosity, to have a new experience, or simply by chance. But for whichever reason you’re reading this book, you might find yourself facing challenges with your mindfulness practice every now and then.
The truth is, I don’t always find mindfulness easy to practise. There have been times when it has triggered frustration and a sense of hopelessness, and other occasions when it has shaken me to my core. Being mindful has asked me to drop the layers of avoidance, judgement and inauthenticity that I built as a means of self-protection. It can feel incredibly daunting, embarrassing and scary, and it has sometimes made me feel very vulnerable.
I remember the first time I gave myself permission to actually experience sadness when I felt sad for no real reason. Rather than running from it, denying how I felt, or feeling guilty for being sad when I believed I shouldn’t be (because life was good and I had a lot to be grateful for), I went to bed and lay down, letting myself cry. I didn’t turn to the unhelpful coping mechanisms I’d used in the past: doing vigorous exercise, drinking alcohol, watching hours of television, or losing myself in a busy to-do list in order to numb the sadness I felt. I created a space to just feel sad, to cry and to refrain from judging myself about it.
I tried to be more curious about my experience – tuning in to my senses and noticing how the emotion felt in my body. I listened to the thoughts going through my mind and paid attention to my physical reactions to them.
After a little bit of time, I felt the emotion shifting. I no longer felt like I needed to cry, and the tension in my body softened a little. I realised that my belief system about sadness – that I needed to avoid it lest it take over – was false. I’d spent so much energy avoiding this emotion, thinking that it would lead to depression and an unhappy life. But I learned that I was capable of feeling sad and experiencing it fully, while also allowing it to pass with self-compassion and nonjudgement (if somewhat imperfectly!).
The whole-hearted approach to mindfulness isn’t about becoming an eternally calm, understanding, compassionate and unwavering person. It doesn’t represent the eradication of challenging emotions, like sadness, anger and feeling overwhelmed. And it isn’t about learning to control your thoughts, reactions, feelings and behaviours.
The whole-hearted approach to mindfulness is knowing that you have the freedom to experience your life, just as it is. Remembering that there will be ups and downs, steps forward and back, bumps in the road and unforeseen challenges. You will experience pain and hardship, though it might be completely different from the pain and hardship experienced by someone else. It’s also about becoming curious, rather than judgemental, towards your internal and external worlds. It means being open to change and being willing to learn and grow.
The whole-hearted approach to mindfulness is a journey towards more compassion, openness, presence and understanding within the context of a sometimes messy human life.
Terence’s story
Terence was relatively new to the practice of mindfulness when he first connected with me. Just a few months prior, he had been drugged and assaulted by someone he knew. In the weeks that followed, he became more sick than he’d ever been in his life and was admitted to hospital, with the suspicion that he’d contracted a tropical disease. However, when his results came back, Terence was diagnosed with HIV.
His body was going through seroconversion, which occurs when the virus first takes hold of the body and people often experience flu-like symptoms. Fortunately, medications have come incredibly far in the last twenty years and Terence’s life expectancy is the same as for someone without HIV. The medications also make it impossible for Terence to pass on the virus, or for him to get sick from it.
However, when he started taking the medication, Terence had to endure its severe side effects, losing 8 kilograms in three weeks. He had heard that the practice of mindfulness could help alleviate stress and strengthen resilience and he began to believe that practising mindfulness might help him. After searching on iTunes and listening to various podcasts, he came across The Mindful Kind.
Feeling as though he’d spent his adult life over-thinking and stressing about things that never happened, Terence started to implement my tips about mindfulness. Not only did he feel stronger and more confident, he also discovered a way to cope with his diagnosis. By bringing himself back into the present moment via breathing techniques and noticing his senses, he was able to stop negative thoughts from spiralling out of control into what he called a ‘black hole’.
Terence also started experimenting with mindful eating: taking the time to be thankful for his food, savouring the flavours and appreciating the nutrients his body was receiving.
Despite the emotionally and physically draining journey Terence found himself on, he was also beginning to experience mindful moments and benefits from his practice. He felt like he was on his way to living a more mindful life, facing the world stronger and more aware than he had ever been before.
The techniques and practices you will learn throughout this book aren’t meant to be done perfectly. They are for you to experiment with, to play with and to implement into your life in ways that are helpful or meaningful to you. Some days, your mindfulness practice will feel aligned, some days it will challenge you. Some days you’ll feel motivated, some days you won’t.
No matter what happens, please be kind. Not just towards others, but towards yourself. You might notice yourself thinking ‘I am hopeless at these mindfulness techniques – my mind is far too busy’ or ‘I don’t deserve to take a break and practise mindfulness when I’m stressed.’ notice these thoughts and give them a gentle challenge. Here are some of the reminders I’ve used over the years.
• My mind is going to wander during mindfulness practices, and that’s okay. The more I bring it back, the stronger my mindfulness practice becomes.
• I deserve to take a few mindful moments for myself.
• Mindfulness isn’t just about good experiences, it’s important during challenges, too.
• My mindfulness practice doesn’t need to be perfect.
• Mindful awareness helps me experience and appreciate my everyday life.
• A few minutes of mindfulness is more than nothing at all.
• I don’t need to be calm to be mindful.
• I’m doing the best I can.
While the practice of mindfulness follows a few simple guidelines – being present in the moment, being nonjudgemental and acknowledging what’s unfolding – there is a huge opportunity for individuality within these guidelines. Through practising mindfulness myself and connecting with hundreds of other people about their own practices, I’ve learned that there isn’t one perfect way to be mindful.
Some people find mindfulness through quiet meditation. Others find it by immersing themselves in creative activities or hobbies. I’ve heard about all different kinds of mindful walking – people watching the sunrise, playing with their dogs, feeling the movements within their bodies, noticing their environments, having some time to tune in to their thoughts and feelings. Some people find mindfulness in cooking, or showering, or journaling, or taking photographs, or all of the above.
And that’s because mindfulness isn’t a practice you can only apply at certain times of the day and in particular situations. Mindfulness can be an attitude, a way of living life by connecting with the now and being open and curious about what there is to experience.
Like me, you may start with some of the more traditional mindfulness techniques, then expand your practice to encompass many different areas of your life. I quickly learned that tuning in to my senses wasn’t just something I could do for two minutes each day during an intentional mindfulness practice, but something I could do at any time. I could check in with my sense of smell after lighting a scented candle, or when adding spices to a meal, or while washing my hair. I could notice the sensations within my body when I was sitting in the sunshine, or practising yoga, or patting my dog. I could look at all the different colours whizzing past me as I caught the train home from work, or look with gratitude at the objects in my home. I could listen to music, to the sounds of the morning as I woke up, to the oceanic sounds of my own breath. And I could really taste the flavours I came across, from my toothpaste to my coffee to the explosion of sweetness of a piece of fruit, or the subtle fusions of flavours within a bowl of soup.
I didn’t just tune in to my senses – I discovered hundreds of tiny, rich and meaningful moments within my everyday life. I learned that there was so much more to be experienced and cherished at times when I had previously wished I was somewhere else, or someone else. Before learning about mindfulness, I constantly daydreamed about achieving my goals and having all the things I thought I wanted, not realising what I was missing out on in the moment.
It may take some time for you to find your way towards embracing mindfulness whole-heartedly, and even then, you may find yourself yo-yoing between mindful living and non-mindful habits. This is absolutely okay and normal – for many of us, it would be impossible to be mindful all of the time! Modern society is ripe with mindless distractions, judgement and comparison, and it often encourages us to want new things we don’t have and to fantasise about the future. It’s also healthy to reflect on the past and learn from mistakes, to think about the road ahead of us and to make goals.
So, how can we balance mindfulness with everything else that takes us out of the present moment?
I wish I could give you an answer to this question, but this is something you will need to explore for yourself. The more you practise mindfulness, the more you will see opportunities to be mindful each day and the stronger your practice will become. It’s quite a natural progression and, once you get started, your mindfulness practice can continue to grow and grow.
I know it can be difficult to know where to begin. Throughout this book, you’ll learn many different techniques, tips and strategies, but first here are three tips for starting a mindfulness practice and easing into whole-heartedness.
1: Start when you wake up in the morning
Choose one mindfulness practice and engage with it as soon as you wake up in the morning. You could tune in to all your senses, or just focus on one. You might like to follow the simple journey of your breath, flowing in and out. You could do a body scan, checking in with each part of your body and noticing how you feel physically. These are just a few ideas that I’ll cover more in depth in later chapters. For now, just choose one simple mindfulness practice and continue to bring your focus back to it whenever your mind may wander.
For me, this strategy created a huge shift in the way I started my day. I used to hear my alarm go off, then immediately start counting down the time until I had to get up, while thinking about all the things I didn’t want to do that day. Before my feet even hit the floor each morning, my stomach was knotted with anxiety and I could feel a sense of dread coursing through my body. It was often the worst few moments of my whole day.
Now I wake up in the morning and I immediately move my focus to the present moment: the feeling of the warm doona cocooning my body, the movement of my breath and the sounds outside the room. Rather than thinking myself into a spiral of anxiety, I trust in my ability to take the day as it comes and to embrace those morning moments with presence and appreciation.
It took a while before this became my norm, but it’s one of the subtle yet incredibly powerful ways that mindfulness has made a positive difference in my everyday life.
2: Look at the world with childlike curiosity
The cultivation of a mindfulness practice doesn’t need to be complicated or over-thought. It can be as simple as learning to let go of the ‘adult lens’ through which you see the world and rediscovering your childlike sense of wonder and curiosity. I believe that mindfulness is a way of being that we unlearn as we progress through life. We are taught to judge and apply labels and we often aren’t encouraged to just be – instead, we’re encouraged to focus on the future and compare ourselves to others.
But have you ever seen a child engaging in an activity just for the fun of it, with complete presence, nonjudgement and curiosity? This is the attitude I’d like you to uncover within yourself. Go for a walk (leaving all technology behind) and explore somewhere new, with a sense of excitement about not knowing what’s around the next corner. Spend time with a friend and give them your full attention, as though they’re the most important person in the world to you in that moment. Draw something and use colours that don’t make sense, or go outside the lines and use your imagination.
This childlike curiosity is a gift and it’s something we can learn to give back to ourselves. No pressure, no destination, no failure, no judgement. Just a genuine interest in experiencing and learning more about yourself and the world around you.
3: Use stress as a signal
Whenever I notice myself becoming stressed, I perceive it as a signal to engage in a mindfulness technique. The rushing thoughts, racing heart, sweaty palms and knotted stomach are like road signs pointing me back towards mindfulness and self-care. I might schedule in some time for a mindful activity, such as walking, taking a bath or doing yoga. If I’m really short on time, I’ll try to use any small opportunities to practise mindful breathing techniques for a few seconds or minutes.
Below, you’ll find two simple breathing techniques – the point of stillness and three-part breathing. These techniques can be used at any time when you notice stress building, such as before an interview, when your to-do list feels overwhelming, if you receive an unexpected expense, or when you’d like to let go of spiralling thoughts.
The point of stillness
Take a few moments to bring your attention into the now, perhaps checking in with your own thoughts and feelings and the world around you. You might notice sounds, sights, tastes or smells, and various sensations (such as the texture of materials against your skin). When it feels right for you, move your focus to your breath, just noticing as it flows in and out of your body.
Begin paying attention to the natural pause at the end of each exhale: the point of stillness. You don’t need to elongate this pause or change it in any way, just notice its presence.
Continue with this practice as long as you like, perhaps a few minutes, or a little longer. Your mind will likely wander (and that’s perfectly okay!), so gently refocus on the practice whenever you can.
Three-part breathing
Unlike the point of stillness, this breathing technique involves changing the breath (and therefore isn’t technically mindful, but it can still be a wonderfully calming practice).
Take a deep breath in and hold it for a brief moment, then allow approximately 30 per cent of your breath to be exhaled from your stomach area. Hold the breath for another brief moment, then exhale another 30 per cent of the breath from your rib area. Hold the breath once more and exhale the remainder of your breath from your chest area.
It may take a few breaths before you find the right balance for exhaling in three different parts, which is one of the reasons why I find it such a powerful way to bring my attention into the moment!
Again, you can enjoy this technique for as long as you like, bringing your mind back any time you notice it has wandered away.
Potential benefits of mindfulness
As more research is conducted in the area of mindfulness, the benefits of this practice are becoming clearer and more widely recognised. One of various studies showing a reduction in stress was conducted at Massachusetts General Hospital in 2013, which included ninety-three individuals with generalised anxiety disorder. The participants were randomly assigned to either a mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) therapy group or an active control group who didn’t receive mindfulness training. After eight weeks, participants who received MBSR training showed a significant reduction in anxiety and stress and an increase in positive self-statements, which may also indicate better resilience in the face of challenges.1
In 2010, a previous study showed that after just four days of mindfulness training, participants with no prior meditation experience showed an improvement in mood and reduced fatigue and anxiety. They also showed a significant improvement in visuospatial processing, working memory and executive functioning, suggesting that even short periods of mindfulness training can help improve cognition.2
In a study published in 2015, more than two thousand participants who had experienced three or more previous major depressive episodes were randomly assigned to either mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) or maintenance anti-depressants. Over a 24-month period, all participants were followed up on five separate occasions. The results showed that MBCT was just as effective for the prevention of depression as anti-depressant medication.3
I asked some of my mindfulness clients about how mindfulness has been of benefit to them, and this is what they answered:
Christina: Mindfulness has helped me stay longer in the present moment, to breathe more deeply, to worry less about things I cannot change and to become more grateful.
Simone: using mindfulness has helped me achieve some major physical challenges, such as running a half-marathon and hiking Mount Bogong. When I was struggling and exhausted, rather than focusing on what was ahead of me and how far I had to go, I used mindfulness to bring my attention back to each and every step I was taking, and took deep inhales and exhales. Treating each step forward as a small achievement towards the bigger goal had me over the finish line and at the summit before I knew it.
Mindfulness also played a large part in helping me heal when I suffered a miscarriage. I was so hard on myself to get over it and move on, but I decided to practise mindfulness and let myself accept and experience the emotions I was going through, rather than trying to suppress them and force myself to feel better. I also realised that it was important for me to do things which I love – the things we don’t necessarily dedicate time to when we prioritise our responsibilities instead. I started putting effort into my passion projects, which then enabled me to leave a part-time job I wasn’t enjoying and start up my own business working from home – what I now consider my dream job. So when I say mindfulness has changed my life, I really do mean it. It has helped me wake up every morning and feel more genuinely excited about my day ahead.
Emily: Before I discovered mindfulness, I was often feeling stressed, anxious and worried. I tended to be very pessimistic and used a lot of negative self-talk. I first heard about mindfulness when an old co-worker posted about Rachael’s podcast, The Mindful Kind, on Instagram. I was curious, so I decided to check it out and listen to the first episode. Using Rachael’s tips and advice, I started to slowly integrate some mindful practices into my life. I feel like my mindfulness journey has a long way to go, and I still have a lot to learn, but already I have started to see some of the benefits such as stronger relationships with my loved ones, reduced stress levels, and more gratitude for the present moment.
Claudia: My last relationship was, in short, what you could call a ‘toxic relationship’. While all of my friends noticed that it wasn’t good for me, I didn’t. When I finally found the strength to end the relationship, thanks to my supportive environment, I felt more lost than I ever had before. Not only was I deeply hurt because I had been so in love, but I also felt like I didn’t know myself any more: my goals, my interests, my passions. Then I found The Mindful Kind podcast episode on using mindfulness when dealing with breakups. I learned that it was okay to feel all my emotions and cope better with them – that I didn’t need to ignore them or push them away. Eventually, I felt able to move on.
You’ll find more stories from Christina, Simone, Emily and Claudia throughout this book, including how mindfulness has helped them manage stress at work, cook mindfully and communicate more clearly.
If there’s one thing I’d like to say about the mindfulness journey ahead of you, it’s that I feel excited for you. I believe that mindfulness can have a meaningful impact for people in such individual ways and it still delights and surprises me when I hear about new ways that mindfulness has made a difference for someone. I hope that one day you can add your own list of benefits and positive experiences.