Fostering deeper love and support
Back in the days when stress was often clouding my little world, I felt disconnected from those around me and desperate to be heard and understood. Emotionally, I tended to seesaw between anxiety and exhaustion. A few weeks could pass during which my thoughts would seem to be racing from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep at night. Even though I was rushing to keep up, I felt like I was always a few steps behind where I needed to be. As with most unsustainable things, my energy would eventually fall completely flat and I’d spend at least a few days feeling like I was on autopilot, simply getting through what I needed to with as little thought and emotion as possible.
This method of functioning had various impacts on my relationships, from blocking my opportunities to find support and acceptance, to making me into an unreliable friend. It didn’t help that I also struggled to communicate my needs and instinctively shut myself off when life felt tough.
When I first started practising mindfulness, I realised several things. One, I didn’t want to keep disconnecting myself from the people around me, especially when I needed support. Two, I had to learn how to clearly communicate my thoughts and feelings in open and nonconfrontational ways. Three, if I put in more effort to improve the quality of my relationships, I’d feel more connected with those people. Overall, I was excited to help myself facilitate stronger, more authentic, relationships.
I can’t pretend that the process has been an easy one. It wasn’t long after I started practising mindfulness that my parents separated and my own long-term relationship ended, shaking up the stability I’d relied on for so long. Suddenly, I was moving out of the home I’d lived in for the past few years, saying goodbye to people I cared about, letting go of a future I’d thought was fairly certain, while also navigating the new dynamics between my parents and redefining myself as an individual.
However, these events also created opportunities for me to shed old habits and build entirely different relationships with the people in my life. My parents seemed less like ‘my parents’ and I began to build new friendships with them. I focused less on maintaining the outward appearances of my relationships and, instead, felt inspired to spend time with the people I felt genuinely connected to. I started reflecting on what I wanted in my life and what I was passionate about, rather than asking for other people’s opinions and just doing what they thought I should do.
It was only the beginning of my journey with mindfulness, and, over the next few years, there were four big lessons I learned about fostering deeper relationships.
Lesson one: always be open to learning more
Relationships are complicated. They can change constantly and in unexpected ways, tend to require time and effort, and may challenge you to deepen your awareness and understanding. Relationships can also encourage you to grow: to learn new things, try different approaches and tap into compassion, kindness and empathy. A long-term relationship is likely to move through difficult times and require an even deeper understanding (not just of the other person, but often of yourself, too!).
A few years ago, I started learning about relationship attachment styles, in an effort to understand more about how and why I react in particular ways.1 There are three main attachment styles – secure, avoidant and anxious. Someone with a secure attachment style tends to feel comfortable with intimacy and expresses love via open communication. People with an avoidant attachment style might feel that relationships create a loss of independence, so they tend to minimise intimacy. Someone with an anxious attachment style might worry about their partner’s ability to love them back and often becomes preoccupied with relationships.
Turns out I have an anxious attachment style, which regularly influences my relationships. Before I understood this, my reactions seemed completely irrational and unpredictable. But learning more about myself gave me the opportunity to know why certain things triggered my anxieties and allowed me to find new ways to build relationships, despite the potential challenges of my attachment style.
This knowledge also prompted me to reflect on my past relationships and how my attachment style might have affected them. While I always knew I had fears of being alone and that I acted out when I felt like I was being abandoned, there was something inherently powerful in understanding more about why I think and feel the way I do.
For example, I found it extremely difficult to feel safe and secure in relationships, particularly when previous partners were avoidant, which only tended to provoke my worries. I regularly shouldered the blame, twisting something as simple as my partner disliking my outfit to being a failure on my part and a shortcoming to be ashamed of.
Another feature of someone with an anxious attachment style is their engagement in protest behaviours, many of which I realised I’d done before. From telling my high-school boyfriend we should break up (several times) while hoping he would disagree, to deliberately not answering the phone when he called me (because he hadn’t answered the phone when I called earlier), my own protest behaviours tended to confuse me and wreaked havoc across a number of my relationships.
Understanding more about why I think and act in certain ways in my relationships helps me better predict my reactions and navigate my emotions as events unfold. I can identify when I’m engaging in a protest behaviour and, sometimes, choose to take a different path which will benefit my relationship.
This is just one potential area of relationships you could learn more about. There are many, many other theories and ideas that could resonate with you and empower you with new knowledge and skills.
Activity: Head down to your local library or bookshop and find some non-fiction books that focus on relationships. Be open to learning more and identifying new ways of building stable and secure relationships.
Lesson two: communicate (and keep communicating!)
Let’s explore a potential scenario of good communication. Molly arrived home after a big day at work, feeling stressed about an upcoming deadline and disappointed about the amount of tasks she hadn’t completed that day. Her partner, Ron, also had a tough day at work and didn’t sleep well the night before. Both of them felt emotionally drained, stressed, overwhelmed and tired, and those factors could easily have been a recipe for an argument.
However, this particular couple had been working on their communication skills and they regularly checked in with each other. When Molly asked Ron how his day was, Ron spoke about how he hadn’t been sleeping well because he couldn’t stop thinking about his job and the negative experiences he’d had there lately. As a result, he’d been tired at work and made some silly mistakes which he then stayed overtime to rectify. Molly empathised with Ron and allowed him to talk about his challenges, offering to help in any way she could to support him. When Ron asked Molly how her day went, she told him about her upcoming deadline and how she felt like she was never getting enough done. Ron actively listened to Molly and also showed support by offering to help.
Sometimes, effective communication is simply about creating a safe space for other people to talk, being there for them and offering support in meaningful and appropriate ways. Challenges are sure to arise throughout any relationship, but communication is an important key for navigating them together.
Let’s take a closer look at how an important conversation could unfold.
Jenny is a young woman living on her own in a new city. She has just started working as a teacher and feels completely overwhelmed. Even though she arrives early and stays late after school every day, Jenny usually feels like she is behind with creating lesson plans and marking students’ work. She struggles making connections with her colleagues and feels excluded and lonely. Even though she loves the idea of being a teacher and of supporting students to learn and reach their potential, she is starting to wonder if she’s chosen the wrong career path.
When Jenny’s sister Lisa calls her after a particularly long day, Jenny is feeling emotional and exhausted.
Conversation A
Lisa: Hi, Jenny! How are you going?
Jenny: Fine. How are you?
Lisa: I’m good. Are you sure you’re okay? You sound tired.
Jenny: Yes, I’m fine, I just had a few big days at work. I’ll get over it.
What have you been doing? How’s work?
Lisa goes on to talk about her work and the conversation ends fairly quickly. Even though Lisa knows something isn’t quite right, she doesn’t ask Jenny anything more about how she’s feeling. Lisa hangs up, feeling even more concerned about Jenny, and Jenny feels lonelier than she did before the call.
Conversation B
Lisa: Hi, Jenny! How are you going?
Jenny: Fine. How are you?
Lisa: I’m good. Are you sure you’re okay? You sound tired.
Jenny: Yes, I just had a few big days at work. I’ll be fine. What have you been up to?
Lisa: Just the usual, going to work, walking the dogs and catching up with some friends. It sounds like things have been tough for you and I have plenty of time to chat. Tell me more about what’s been going on?
Jenny: It’s actually been a really overwhelming few weeks at my new job. I’ve been feeling behind with all my work and none of the other teachers seem to like me. I’m tired, I’m stressed and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve made a huge mistake in choosing this career path.
Lisa: That all sounds really overwhelming. Let’s talk about it. First of all, can you tell me more about why you’re feeling behind with all your work?
Lisa and Jenny continue to talk about how Jenny has been feeling, what her different options might be and who else she can talk to for some more support in her new work role.
When the call ends, Lisa feels glad that she could help her sister, and Jenny feels supported and connected.
Open and honest communication isn’t always easy and it can take more time, an understanding of listening techniques as well as compassion and empathy; however, it can also result in a number of incredible benefits. It can help us feel more connected and supported, it allows us to hear different perspectives, it enriches our relationships and also tends to improve our communication skills for the future.
Lesson three: practise gratitude
It can be really important to teach ourselves gratitude, the attitude of noticing and appreciating good things in our lives. The practice of gratitude has truly shifted how I feel about my relationships because it has helped me to notice the positive aspects of the people I care about and the good experiences we share; it’s also allowed me to show love in new ways.
However, gratitude is about so much more than just feeling thankful for the people we love and care for – it can also play a role in the stability of our relationships. In the 1980s, psychological researcher Dr John Gottman and psychologist Robert Levenson conducted a longitudinal study over nine years to determine the impact of positive and negative interactions on intimate relationships.2 Gottman and Levenson found that as long as there were five times as many positive feelings and interactions between a husband and wife during an important conversation than negative feelings and interactions, the marriage was more likely to be stable. Negative interactions could include being critical or dismissive, using defensive body language, or eye-rolling, while positive interactions could include showing interest in your partner, empathising and apologising, finding opportunities to agree, and accepting your partner’s perspectives. Another positive interaction could be to show appreciation for your partner – letting them know you’re grateful to them.
Positive interactions revolving around gratitude could include identifying your loved one’s strengths during a difficult conversation. For example, by saying ‘I know this is a difficult conversation, but I appreciate how open and honest you are.’ You could also thank them for things they’ve done well, or express your gratitude by being compassionate and considerate during conversations.
Furthermore, gratitude can help us balance out our natural negativity bias and the impact it can have on relationships. The negativity bias is the tendency for our brains to be more sensitive towards unpleasant things; basically, we have evolved to focus on negativity because it helps us quickly learn how to avoid danger and pain. In early human history (back when we had to regularly avoid getting eaten by predators) we largely relied on our intelligence to stay alive. Being able to quickly and easily detect threats using the negativity bias made it more likely that we would identify danger and escape.
However, this skill of quickly detecting and understanding threats has taught us to look for negative stimuli more than positive stimuli. In addition, when we receive equal amounts of negative and positive stimuli, we will naturally focus on the negative more than the positive.
In order to help me cultivate gratitude in my relationships, I do two things: I keep a gratitude jar and I talk about gratitude with my loved ones.
Gratitude jar
A few years ago, on the first day of January, I got a pen and a small piece of paper and described an experience with my partner that I was grateful for. I folded up the note and placed it in a jar. About once a week, I did the same thing – I wrote about another experience I’d had with him and put the folded-up note in the same jar.
Three-hundred and sixty-five days later, on the first day of the following new year, I opened up the jar and read over all the experiences I was grateful to have shared with my partner that year.
I learned two things from this activity. First of all, I realised how easy it was to forget my happy memories! Almost all of the things I’d written about had been forgotten and I was so glad I’d kept the reminders. Second, it was lovely to start the new year by reflecting on all the good things that had happened to my partner and me.
If you like, you could include your partner, family or friends in this activity. Once a week, you could all contribute to the gratitude jar and begin the new year by reading and sharing each other’s happy memories about each other. You can also complete this activity on your own about any topic you choose. You could focus on gratitude at work, gratitude in your everyday life or gratitude for yourself and your achievements, skills or qualities.
Talking about gratitude
It can also be fun and meaningful to talk about gratitude with the people you care about. By observing and acknowledging each other’s qualities, it helps us connect more and feel appreciated.
Here are some gratitude conversation prompts. (I’m going to use the word ‘partner’, but feel free to replace this word with friend, mum, dad, brother, sister, child or whoever else you may be talking about gratitude with.)
• Name one accomplishment your partner has achieved and why you’re proud of them.
• List three features you love about your partner.
• Describe something your partner did to help you and why you appreciated it.
• List three positive qualities of your partner’s personality.
• Share one reason why you admire your partner.
Lesson four: spend mindful, quality time with others
When I think about spending mindful, quality time with the people I care about, there are three main attitudes that come to mind: presence, nonjudgement and curiosity.
Presence
Focus on being present with your loved one by setting aside (or minimising) distractions, such as your phone, tasks that require concentration, and activities that create a lot of noise. It can be important to use the different elements of mindful and active listening, such as making eye contact, maintaining open body language, reflecting content and feelings, summarising and confirming, giving encouragement and showing compassion.
It’s also helpful to notice if you’re mentally present: are you thinking about all the tasks on your to-do list? Wondering what you should do on the weekend? Planning ahead? or are you genuinely listening to your loved one and contributing to the conversation, bringing your attention back to the present moment whenever you notice it has wandered?
Nonjudgement
Being objective and nonjudgemental is a great way to help your loved one feel like you’re taking the time to listen and understand things from their point of view. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with them, try not to engage in defensive behaviour or respond with critical words because this may quickly shut down the conversation and potentially create discord.
How to practise nonjudgement in a conversation:
Remember that your actions can speak louder than your words. Try to keep an open expression and avoid eye-rolling, raising your eyebrows or shaking your head whenever your loved one is expressing new ideas or thoughts.
Be aware of ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’. Often when using these terms, we are expressing some kind of judgement. ‘You shouldn’t be doing that’ or ‘You should do this.’ Whenever you notice a ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ coming up in your sentence, ask yourself if it’s judgemental – and if it is, what is something more open-minded you could say instead?
Know that it’s alright to ask for a moment to collect your thoughts. If your loved one has told you something that has triggered judgement, ask for some time to think about your response.
Keep the conversation focused on their perspective. Challenge yourself to learn as much about their perspective as possible so you can understand more about what’s actually happening for them. Ask open-ended questions and reflect their thoughts and feelings to help them share more with you.
Let’s take a look at an example of judgement and nonjudgement.
Jessica wants to share with her partner, Charlie, that she is thinking about studying photography so she can eventually quit her job as a teacher and become a full-time photographer.
As you read through Charlie’s potential responses, notice which ones demonstrate judgement and nonjudgement.
Response A: ‘I can see this is really important to you and I’d love to hear more about your idea.’
Response B: ‘You should probably wait. You haven’t been a teacher for very long and it would be good to stick it out for a while.’
Response C: ‘Tell me more about this change and how you think it might work out. I’d really like to understand.’
Response D: ‘You don’t even have any photography skills! That’s a terrible idea.’
Response E: ‘You should quit right now and get rid of your awful job. You’ve been miserable ever since you started working there.’
As you may have guessed, responses A and C were the least judgemental, while responses B, D and E were more judgemental. Even though in Response E, Charlie was agreeing with Jessica’s idea, he was expressing his own opinions without asking to hear about the situation from her side.
Curiosity
By going in to a conversation with curiosity and a readiness to learn, you will likely be perceived by your loved one as being more open-minded.
Imagine you’ve had an idea about redecorating a space in your home and you want to tell your friend all about it. When you start talking to your friend, they are genuinely interested in learning more, they ask questions that relate to what you’ve been saying and they encourage you to share as much as you would like to. This friend has shown curiosity in learning more about your idea and, by doing so, created an atmosphere where you can express yourself and feel more connected with them.
By integrating presence, nonjudgement and curiosity into conversations with our loved ones, we naturally foster mindful quality time and deeper support and connection. The people around us tend to feel more heard and understood, we gain new perceptions and learn more about our friends and family; together, our relationships grow stronger.