Have you ever heard the story about the teacher who walks into a classroom with an empty jar? He puts the glass jar down on his desk and places large rocks inside the jar until they reach the top. He asks his class if the jar is full and they say yes.
The teacher then gets a bag of smaller stones and places them inside the jar with the bigger rocks, shaking the jar so they all combine together. Again, he asks the class if the jar is full, to which they reply yes.
The teacher gets a bag of sand and pours it into the jar, filling all the gaps between the rocks and small stones. This time, the class isn’t so quick to agree that the jar is full!
Finally, the teacher pours a glass of water into the jar, mixing it together with the big rocks, small stones and sand.
He asks the class, ‘If this jar represents your life, what do you think it means?’
One student replies, ‘It doesn’t matter how many things are happening in your life, there’s always room for more.’
The teacher agrees that could be one interpretation, then he goes on to share another idea. ‘The large rocks represent all the big things in your life: your family, your purpose and dreams, your health and wellbeing. The smaller stones are some of the other areas of your life which help to give it meaning: your work, friendships, money, home and hobbies. The sand and water are like everything else which fill up the rest of your time, such as vacuuming the floor, watching television, going shopping and running errands. But what would happen inside the jar if we started with sand and water?’
The water and sand (the less meaningful activities in life) would fill the jar and wouldn’t allow room for anything else.
I remember the first time I read this story, everything just clicked. The truth is, we do only have so much time in a day. We need to be conscious about how we fill up our jars, so the really meaningful things can fit. One of the challenges in modern society is that sand and water activities (‘filler’ activities) are becoming more and more easily accessible and addictive. We can spend days binge-watching a new show on netflix. We can go shopping online whenever we feel like it (not to mention being able to spend money we don’t even have yet, thanks to credit cards and ‘buy now, pay later’ options). Many of us spend hours each day scrolling through social media, without even realising how much time we’re using. More than ever, it is so important to choose how we spend our lives. Prioritising is absolutely key.
And there’s one area of life which I think tends to get overlooked and under-prioritised: self-care. Self-care is more than just an activity which helps us feel good. When you look at all the most important aspects of your life – such as family, purpose, health and wellbeing – self-care is like the soil that allows all those things to grow. When we aren’t taking good care of ourselves, we can be irritable and less compassionate in our relationships. If we don’t take the time to understand ourselves and our needs, then how can we feel purposeful and work towards what we really want? Without self-care, our health and wellbeing can suffer in many different ways, such as experiencing higher stress levels and lower immune systems. Self-care is a fundamental, underlying aspect of all the most important things in our lives and it empowers us to become the best versions of ourselves.
There is somewhat of a misconception that self-care is lazy or selfish, so I’d like to take some time to clarify exactly what self-care is – and what it isn’t.
What self-care isn’t
First of all, self-care isn’t so much about ‘switching off’ – for instance, by watching television or overindulging – but more about looking at what will genuinely nourish your needs and wellbeing. It’s about curating a deeper understanding of what is good for you and then doing it, even when you might feel like you can’t be bothered. For example, meditation is an activity that helps me to go inward, process my thoughts and feelings, tune in to my body and unwind. At the end of a long day, it’s not always easy to take that time for myself. I might feel like I need to push myself to keep working at night after a full working day, or scroll through social media so I can look at other people rather than turn my attention towards myself. I could spend hours on the couch watching television (which is something I still often do, even though I know there are better ways I could be spending my time!). Sometimes, self-care actually takes more effort than many of the other things we could be doing. Which means it shouldn’t be perceived as laziness! By definition, laziness is about choosing not to work or take action, even though you’re physically able to do so. When you engage in self-care, you’re making a choice to do it and you’re following through with your commitment.
However, it is important to look at the types of self-care we engage in; are they activities that work for the greater good of our wellbeing, or are they excuses to indulge in activities that aren’t actually conducive to living our best lives? While there’s nothing necessarily wrong with engaging in other activities, it’s often necessary to identify when an activity isn’t helpful self-care so you can engage in actual self-care later.
Self-care is also not about avoidance. Several years ago, I was struggling to deal with the breakdown of some of the most important relationships in my life. I was studying a new course, but the friends I’d made over the previous three years were studying something different and I was finding myself feeling more and more lonely. My parents had separated and I was feeling disconnected from my then-boyfriend. My sister had recently moved out after living with me for the previous few months and we weren’t on great terms thanks to several misunderstandings.
So I took up running because I wanted to do something healthy for myself. Every time I put on my running shoes, I felt relieved because it meant I could escape everything and be distracted by the sensations occurring in my body. I ran and ran and ran, thinking I was doing what was best for me. Even when my body ached and I knew I was pushing myself beyond my limits, I thought I was doing the right thing. It wasn’t until later that I realised I wasn’t really engaging in self-care – I was avoiding things I needed to deal with. I wanted to avoid interacting with the people in my life because I didn’t feel as though I was on the same page as anyone else. I wanted to avoid making decisions about how to move forward. I wanted to ignore the sense of failure I felt at my inability to knit my relationships back together and, instead, revel in the success of running one more kilometre than I did the last time.
If you find yourself engaging in self-care to avoid, then perhaps the best form of self-care is actually to face whatever issues may be lingering in the background and deal with them properly. When I started noticing injuries, like regular knee pain and having such tight hips that I struggled to walk in the mornings, I realised that I couldn’t keep running forever. Since then, I’ve intentionally reconnected with the people I care about and tried to make peace with the relationships which didn’t continue to grow.
Finally, self-care isn’t selfish. I used to forgo self-care because I thought it made me less hard-working, less dedicated to my dreams and less helpful towards others. At the time, it didn’t make sense to me that self-care actually helped me do all those things so much better and that by engaging in self-care, I was doing myself (and everyone around me) an incredible service. If you ever feel guilty for engaging in self-care that allows you to be your best self, remember that it isn’t selfish. You’re simply helping yourself so that you can help the people around you.
What self-care is
Self-care is a responsibility. It’s not always easy to recognise the best way to take care of yourself, to say no to less caring alternatives and to dedicate yourself to your own self-care. It might mean saying no to a social event because you need time to relax after a busy working week. Or self-care could involve getting out of bed earlier on the weekends so you can exercise or meditate before everyone else wakes up. Self-care might mean spending a little extra money on natural skincare (instead of the harsher alternatives) or putting in more effort to make your own meals rather than regularly buying takeaway.
Although self-care can be a wonderful solution for when you might be feeling anxious, depressed, unwell or burned out, I believe the real benefits of self-care revolve around prevention. If you can implement self-care consistently and compassionately, then it can help to protect you from various unpleasant and unnecessary physical or mental health experiences. While it may not prevent them altogether, self-care can enable you to build resilience, listen to your needs (and fulfil them), ask for support sooner and give yourself time and space to recharge, heal and move forward.
Although vital self-care might sometimes require a huge amount of willpower, there should always be a gentleness to self-care and how we implement it. Our self-care practices should take into account that we are always changing, and that what helped last time may not be as helpful this time. When things don’t go how we planned, we can show ourselves self-compassion, and focus on what we learned and how we can grow, rather than ruminating on or criticising ourselves for what may have gone ‘wrong’.
For example, when I had surgery for my wisdom-teeth removal, I was totally prepared for self-care. I had a number of movies to watch, plenty of delicious food I’d be able to eat and time off work to chill out on the couch and recover. In all honesty, I thought after two or three days, I’d be back to my regular self. Once a week had passed and I still felt lousy (I’d had an allergic reaction to one of the medications, wasn’t eating properly and had trouble speaking as a result of some impermanent nerve damage), I started to sink into sadness. I felt isolated and frustrated. I was worried about my speech problems and how long I would take to recover. Mostly, though, I felt ashamed and powerless. Ashamed that something as simple as wisdom-teeth removal could bring me down, ashamed that I hadn’t taken better care of myself, ashamed that my own expectations had resulted in disappointment. And I felt powerless being trapped with all those thoughts and having no energy to get off the couch or connect with other people who could help. I felt like such a massive failure.
During challenging times, it’s really important to remember that self-care isn’t about having a ‘quick fix’ or placing higher expectations on ourselves because of it. I learned that self-care is more about being gentle and kind towards myself and about letting go of expectations by embracing a gentler and more flexible approach towards recovery, change and healing.
On the other hand, self-care can also be about challenging ourselves to honestly reflect on what is and isn’t good for us and sometimes encouraging ourselves to do things we may not be super keen to do! About two weeks after talking with my partner and a close friend, I decided to book in with a psychologist to talk about what I was experiencing post-surgery. I initially resisted it because I really wanted to persevere with getting through it on my own, but I knew it would be good for me to talk with a nonjudgemental professional, who could offer new perspectives and support. It was by far the best decision I could have made and I still feel grateful that I chose to do something good for myself, even though I didn’t particularly want to at the time.
Similarly, there are days when I don’t really feel like exercising, or eating healthy food, or drinking enough water, or getting out of bed early – even though I am perfectly capable. However, I know that these are some important forms of self-care for me and that by engaging in them regularly, I can improve or maintain good health and wellbeing.
Sometimes, therefore, self-care isn’t just about doing what makes us feel happiest; it’s about taking a holistic look at what will support and nourish us in life and choosing to do that.
Making space for self-care
There are three simple ways I incorporate self-care into my life that help me stay consistent and dedicated to my self-care practices: creating small and daily habits, making spare time and changing my perspectives. Let’s explore each one of these. As we go, select your favourite tips and see if you can implement them – starting today!
1: Create small, daily habits
I’m a firm believer that the little habits we do every day can add so much meaning and value to our lives. I used to think that going on a holiday or reaching the weekend meant I could finally enjoy myself properly, but now I try to make each day count by adding in small daily habits. At the end of the day, I take five minutes to use some natural skincare products to wash my face. I often enjoy a coffee in the morning. I love taking my dogs for walks and practising yin yoga – even if it’s just for ten minutes!
I’ve heard some people referring to their self-care as a cup, which they fill up with self-care activities on a regular basis. By engaging in meaningful, fun, relaxing and rejuvenating activities each day, I keep my own self-care cup fairly full. It feels incredibly different from when I used to allow my self-care cup to slowly drain away while I waited for the weekend, or a holiday, or a particular event. Not only did that leave me often feeling flat and exhausted and stressed while I waited, it also put a lot of pressure on those weekends, holidays and events to go perfectly. I needed them to be extra wonderful to make up for all the time I’d spent waiting for them. However, when it comes to self-care, there’s no need to wait! Keep that cup of yours feeling healthily full – overflowing even.
In the next chapter, you’ll discover a range of simple self-care activities you can use as inspiration for your own daily self-care habits.
2: Let go of being busy
In a world where feeling busy can start from the moment you open your eyes in the morning until you fall into bed at night, letting go of the to-do lists often seems near impossible. It’s a busy world and many of us work hard to keep up. It sometimes seems as though we don’t even like to give ourselves permission to slow down and take some time off until we’re totally exhausted and burned out (and even then, we might still resist!).
I used to love having a busy life. When someone asked me how I was and I said ‘busy’ and then started talking about all the different things I was doing, it made me feel great. Important. Hard-working. Admirable. It didn’t occur to me that I was keeping myself busy and taking on more than I could handle to the detriment of my own wellbeing.
During one of the busiest years of my life, I was studying full-time, working two different jobs and volunteering. I was sick more times than I’d ever been before. I had cold after cold, an ear infection and regular back pain. I experienced stomach issues which lead to ultrasounds and multiple trips to the doctor. I was stressed, I cried often, I didn’t get enough sleep and I’d often wake up in the morning wondering how on earth I was going to get through the day ahead. I can still remember the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach when my morning alarm went off.
When I finally did slow down and start engaging in healthy self-care, I realised that being busy wasn’t worth it. I would rather study part-time, work fewer hours and be more deliberate in looking after myself. Even though I felt trapped in everything I was doing at the time, I look back now and see how many changes I could have made.
The truth is, many people are just as busy right now as I was during that year of my life. I know there are people who struggle physically, emotionally and mentally much more than I did. They might have bigger pressures, more responsibilities and higher expectations.
‘Busy’ is not the badge of success that modern society pretends it is. It can be a danger to our health and wellbeing – and recognising that gives you the opportunity to consciously slow down, to discover pockets of time for self-care and to say ‘no’ to taking on more than you can handle.
It’s okay to let go of being busy. It’s okay to take time for yourself. It’s okay to spend the whole day doing nothing but soul-nourishing activities which help you feel calm, joyful and content. If you’re not able to spend an entire day engaging in self-care, aim for what feels achievable and try to make it a priority.
3: Make spare time
If you find yourself always sacrificing your self-care, then you may need to deliberately create space for it – and then commit! Here are some examples.
• Rather than buying your groceries for dinner on the way home each night, you could create a weekly meal plan on the weekend. By buying all your groceries in one go you’ll give yourself an extra fifteen minutes each night for self-care.
• You could start work thirty minutes earlier in order to arrive home earlier in the afternoon and have some extra time to engage with relaxing activities.
• Rather than trying to do all the jobs around the house, see if someone else can help you out (or, if you can afford it, think about hiring a cleaner to give yourself more time).
• If you find it difficult to relax at home, book in to a meditation or yoga class at a studio a few times each week.
• Use a podcast, app or YouTube video to help you practise yoga or meditation.
• Turn off your email notifications so you don’t accidentally spend your time at home doing work-related activities.
• Learn to say no to social events you don’t really want to attend (or social events which take up more time than they should!).
4: Change your perspective
There are so many activities we already do in our everyday lives that could become self-care practices with a few simple tweaks! Rather than rushing through these activities, see if you can slow down and engage in them more gently, kindly and mindfully.
For example, rather than drinking my morning coffee while I scroll through social media or start answering emails, I now go outside and sit on the back step. I notice the warmth of the mug in my hands and savour the aroma and flavour of the coffee. It might be a simple change, but it gives me a great opportunity to be mindful and start my day more intentionally.
Below, you’ll find a list of some daily activities that could become self-care practices with a few small tweaks and changes in perspective! Experiment in your own ways to make these activities more self-caring; for example, by moving slower and more intentionally, lighting a candle, playing some nice music, or incorporating mindfulness.
Potential self-care activities
• Drink a cup of tea or coffee. Savour the taste and aroma – and put your phone away.
• Walk out to your mailbox to check the mail. Feel the solid ground underneath you as you take each step and notice how the movement subtly stretches your body.
• Take a shower. Sink into the experience of the warm water washing over you.
• Stretch. Feel the lengthening of your muscles and flexibility of your body.
• Lie down on your bed and practise gratitude for the safety, comfort and warmth of your space.
• Do the dishes while listening to some fun music. Notice the satisfaction of cleaning something!
• Brush your hair. Pay attention to the sensation of the bristles gently massaging your scalp and detangling your hair.
• Eat. Appreciate the different flavours, textures, aromas, temperatures and health benefits of your food.
• Exercise. Try to acknowledge the benefits you’re giving to your body and mind and explore all the different sensations that arise in your body.
• Watch television and give yourself a soft and slow hand massage – or trade foot massages with a loved one!