When the parent-child relationship has come to a difficult point, and there seems to be some kind of impasse, an inability to move forward. A counsellor can step in when the parent-child relationship needs support and direction.
In this age of nuclear urban families, many of us live without the parallel, compensatory support of the larger family unit within our homes. Without other adults and elders in the home, today parenting has become an extremely demanding, one-person or two-person task and responsibility. In addition to this, there are the stresses and strains of modern lifestyles, both on parents as well as children - work pressures, examinations, competition…
In this scenario, a counsellor has become an important and significant support-provider in the parent-child relationship.
What prompts people to go see a counselor? Several circumstances:
When the parent-child relationship has come to a difficult point, and there seems to be some kind of impasse, an inability to move forward.
When there is a persistent and recurring behavioural/ mental/emotional problem within the family unit or in school.
When parents/children experience overwhelming grief, anger, or confusion over an incident or a development.
When there is need for the intervention/help from outside of the family unit over a particular issue.
What does a counsellor bring to the situation? Many aspects:
A professional, objective and all-round understanding of the situation.
A compassionate approach, enabling both parent and child to voice their concerns, fears, or grievances.
An ability to identify, intervene and break any vicious cycle of behaviour that may have formed within the unit.
A limited, time-bound plan to effect sustainable change in the attitudes/behaviour of the people involved, and thus help them move forward.
What are the things that a counsellor will not/should not do? There are several:
Will not offer medication. Most counsellors are not trained/qualified to do so, unless they also have a degree in medicine/psychiatry. If a counsellor thinks that there is a psychiatric-medication issue involved, either with parent or child, she/he will refer them to a qualified psychiatrist.
Will not take the place of the parent – in teaching children day-to-day good habits, helping with homework, or simply baby-sit for the parents.
Will not report to the parents everything that the child talks about or confides.
Will not ‘gang up’ with the parents and force the child to ‘tow the line’. This means that the counsellor will not be necessarily the ‘agent’ of the parents.
Will not sit in moral judgement about anything that the child or parents reveal.
What should you tell your counsellor? Some key things:
First, visit without your child, and tell the counsellor whatever comes up, your own personal problems, your parenting issues, and any other matter that you may want to share.
Once you take your child, let your child speak, without interrupting him/her. The counsellor may also ask to speak alone with the child.
Always tell the counsellor the truth. It defeats the purpose to tell half-truths or exaggerations, or to hide an important family issue.
Go with an open mind, prepared to speak as well as listen, really listen. After all, you are not going there only to hear what you already believe. You are going to a counsellor for fresh insights.
There is an old saying: God can mend a broken heart – but you have to give him all the pieces. It is something like that with a counsellor.