Genuine feedback, rather than harsh criticism, works wonders.
Criticism, by definition, is something that no one really likes to hear, particularly not children, and particularly not from their parents. However, we are often called upon to correct our children, and in the process to criticize them.
Firstly, why do we need to criticize, and not simply correct or guide a child each time that she errs in some way? We need to use criticism to show children (or anyone for that matter) not just their mistake, but a recurring tendency or attitude that needs to change. How do we do this in a way that is effective and yet not destructive or damaging to the child or to our relationship with her? Today there is a lot of talk about ‘constructive criticism’. How does one criticize a child constructively?
By providing feedback, rather than judgement and condemnation of any particular behaviour. When you provide feedback, it checks you from making sweeping statements and drastic forecasts, such as: “you’re always late” or “you’re never going to learn”. Feedback is milder, more to the point, and provides a cause-and-effect equation to the child. For instance: “You were late again today, this held up the school bus, and annoyed the other children. Soon they may ask you to come on your own to school.” No doubt, when a child repeatedly makes the same mistake, we are sorely aggravated and tempted to say something quite nasty – but this is really only to vent our own feelings of irritation, and does nothing constructive at all.
Secondly, constructive criticism is always made with a suggestion (or even possibly a rule) about how something can be done differently. Take the example of the child who is late in getting ready for school. Suggesting and implementing earlier wake-up time, better preparation for school on the night before, etc work much better than your harsh words, however real and valid they may be. This takes the problem in a forward direction, instead of round and round, in predictable and frustrating circles.
Thirdly, constructive criticism is always genuine. So it is never couched in pretend-sweet words. You do not need to swing from being severe and harsh to being sugary on the surface – most children can see right through that kind of a thing! While providing constructive criticism, you can be kind, but firm and effective.
Last, and perhaps most important, as parents we need to step back and examine calmly and closely, the issues on which we consistently rebuke, criticize and often even ridicule our children. While some of them may be valid areas of concern, quite a few, on closer examination and introspection, are a result of us projecting our own fears, anxieties, failings, ambitions and even obsessions on to our children’s lives.
A good thumb-rule to check your behaviour, in this context, is: the nastier and more intense you are with your child on a certain issue, it is most likely that this is a problem area about which you need to look within. This much we owe to ourselves and our children – to be able to distinguish what a child really needs by way of life skills, and what is simply irrational insistence on our part that things are done only in a certain way, ‘our’ way.