One parent playing the Good Cop and the other playing Bad Cop isn’t quite how disciplining works.
“My son thinks I am a wet blanket and spoil-sport, while his Dad is great fun and the kindest softy in the world,” a mother complains. When it comes to matters of discipline with kids, it is usually one parent who ends up being the ‘Hitler’ or the ‘villain of the piece’.
In this mother’s case, as with a lot of other parents, somehow she has come to be the one who always has to say ‘no’ or to insist on bed-time being maintained or homework being finished, and a hundred other things that go into the making of a child’s daily routine.
The father of the child, on the other hand, says that she is too strict and harsh, and so he needs to counter-balance things by always giving in and relaxing the rules and generally showing a kinder face to the child. “Otherwise, if we both rain down on him with so many rules and regulations, life will become a grim affair for the child, won’t it?” asks this father. The mother counters this by saying: “Why then do I always have to be the one who plays ‘bad guy’?”
Indeed this is a valid question. While it is to some extent a question of individual parenting styles and personalities, it seems counter-productive for one parent to be constantly the one who lays down the law and enforces it.
For one, a young child then associates all discipline and tasks and duties with one parent, and all fun-times with the other parent. Invariably, the child also takes forever to complete what one parent ‘goes on and on’ about; and instantly listens to any instruction or request from the more lenient parent. This further frustrates the ‘bad guy’ parent and in some households, the ‘good guy’ then even thinks that he is the ‘better’ parent. Secondly, this undercuts the authority of one parent. Children learn to ‘wheedle’ and negotiate their way out of situations by appealing to the ‘good guy’ parent, and the parent who has laid down certain rules is left looking silly as well as plain unkind, which is not the intention at all.
Parents simply have to share duties in matters related to discipline. One may have a certain way of doing it and the other may have a different way, but in essence both must come to an understanding about certain issues – for instance brushing teeth before bed – and insist that it is done. Far too often, one parent will try and get the child to do it by saying: “Hurry up and brush your teeth or your Mummy will get angry.” And poor Mummy is obliged to play ‘Hitler’ even at bed-time!
In a slightly different scenario, one mother, who is a great perfectionist, insists that all disciplining is done by her. Even when the father does want to get involved and handle certain areas – for instance getting his 9-year-old daughter to pack her bag for school on the previous night – the mother insists that she herself must ‘oversee the operation’. This too is a lopsided way of handling things, and often ends up with the other parent giving in or giving up. All too often the father then ends up saying “Ask Mama” when it comes to anything that involves asking for permission.
Disciplining children and inculcating good and regular habits is, at best of times, a demanding and complex task. Why not use the ‘Power of 2’ – so that it becomes easier for everyone concerned?