Beware of smothering your kids with your own hopes and fears.
We all have expectations from our children. These range from day-to-day behaviour, school performance, good habits, to what they make of their lives. Expectations can be a double-edged sword. People who grow up with their parents having realistic and positive expectations, are more likely to be emotionally stable achievers. Those whose parents had unrealistic and/or negative expectations, tend to be mal-adjusted, suffer from low self-esteem and an overall lack of direction.
When parents have realistic and positive expectations of their child, this means that they recognize a child’s potential, create an enabling environment, and encourage the child to fully grow to his or her potential. For instance, if your child is musically inclined, you may have him learn music, buy him tapes and CDs, take him to music programs. You may encourage him to take part in public programs, competitions and the like. You watch his progress with interest and involvement, without getting attached to a pre-planned outcome about exactly where this interest in music will take him. If the child decides that it remains a serious hobby, you’re ok with that; if he decides that he wants to pursue it professionally, you are ok with that too.
A parent who has unrealistic expectations, quickly jumps to a future scenario where the child simply must become a famous playback singer. Nothing less will do. This is a positive expectation, but is usually quite unrealistic, and leads to excessive pushing, future disappointments, blame, and many other negative situations, including putting the child off permanently from pursuing music.
Negative expectations are extremely destructive too. So many parents love to ‘deflate’ a child by saying: “You won’t amount to anything. Why bother to study, anyway you’re going to be sweeping the streets…” and other such comments. Some parents think this can ‘shame’ and ‘goad’ children into trying harder. This kind of negative labeling rarely does any such thing. And if it does, it is a kind of negative fuel that simply eats into the child. He may end up being an achiever, just to prove his parents wrong, but is bound to be an unhappy person, motivated by all kinds of negative emotions.
Also, while having expectations of your children is natural and good, it is counter-productive to have very specific expectations about their future: “My daughter will become a doctor.” “My son will become a pilot.” “My kids will get into an Ivy League college.” “My child will never enter business; he is going to be an academic.” The problem with such specific expectations is that they are often more to do with your own hopes and dreams than with what your child is all about.
When talking about their future, it is much more meaningful and encouraging for parents to talk to children about their potential, their many good traits, the opportunities open to them, the benefits of hard work, honesty… This way, you create an atmosphere of hope and the feeling that the world is open to them. What they do with this mix of positive things depends on every child’s specific inclination, rather than a pre-planned script written by the parent.
Beware! Your expectations of your child are like self-fulfilling prophecies, and will shape their future. Keep them realistic and yet positive and check yourself from pouring your own past failures or unfulfilled wishes into your children’s future.