Explain the situation, but do avoid being overly rational and wordy. Sometimes, silences provide the best reassurance and empathy. Saying goodbye is never easy, but it doesn’t have to be traumatic.
Saying goodbye, for all of us, is in varying degrees a sad experience. For children it is often traumatic. From their very first “tata” that we teach them, there are so many partings and farewells that they have to experience in their lives. The first sad and often traumatic ’bye is when a child has to experience being parted from a parent who leaves every day for work.
Most children get over their initial sense of loss and abandonment by having someone else – like a grandparent or nanny – to turn to at that moment, and mainly, by developing the faith that the departing parent is sure to return. This is the reassurance that we must provide and stick to as far as possible. A phone call sometime in the day helps greatly too, so that your child, whatever be his age, knows that he is in your thoughts, however demanding your job is.
In today’s world of high mobility, people move neighbourhoods, cities, countries, even continents, many times in their life. This generation of children is therefore dealing with so many more goodbyes than before – leaving relatives, friends, teachers and neighbours behind many times over. Kids need to be reassured and encouraged to stay in touch with people through email, letters and occasional phone calls too. This way, some level of continuity is maintained, and children learn to remain linked and invested in relationships instead of developing an overly ‘here-today gone-tomorrow’ approach to emotional ties.
The most painful farewells, of course, are those that kids must say when they encounter death. The loss of a grandparent, a favourite relative, a friend, a pet…all cause much pain, confusion, fear and even anger in children. It is absolutely essential that the child is allowed to grieve, and yet provided with a kind of base-support to provide a bottom to her anguish. Gently, at appropriate times, the child can be led through the process of such a loss, so that she understands the inevitability of it and yet learns to believe that whatever she had with the person/pet is in no way lost or negated by death.
Here are some dos and donts that will help you see your child through separation or loss of any kind:
Explain the situation, but do avoid being overly rational and wordy. Sometimes, silences provide the best reassurance and empathy.
Don’t be in a hurry to have your child ‘get over’ the loss. Let him stay with the feeling, and in this way acknowledge to himself that a relationship is/was precious.
Sometimes children appear casual and offhand when they have to say goodbye. Don’t mistake this for insensitivity. They are struggling with feelings inside, and give them the space and time for this.
Do avoid insisting that children say goodbye only in a format that you prescribe (“give your aunt a hug,” “say bye, I’ll miss you”, and other such instructions.)
Calm feverish imaginations – many children fear the worst when their parents come home even a little late – by calling them up if you’re delayed. Avoid telling them about a near-accident you may have had on the way back or about some accident that you saw, etc.
When dealing with death, find ways to teach your child to hold on to the essence of the departed person – the good feelings and memories, so that the sense of loss is not irreparable and devastating.
All cultures talk about life as a journey. Let us help our children deal with the many terrains, co-passengers, arrivals and farewells that they will encounter on theirs.