Sibling rivalries are inevitable, but they can be kept in perspective.
While we all struggle to be impartial and fair to our kids, this can be extremely difficult, what with them being at different ages/stages, having different personalities with differing needs. On top of it is the dynamics between two siblings, which you have to take into account too, especially when there is a slightly large age gap between the older and the younger.
Many older children, suddenly finding themselves hardpressed to share parental love and attention with a younger child that has ‘shown up’, have been known to say things like: “I told you we should have got a puppy instead.” Or “Why can’t we send him back to God?” and other similar heart-felt sentiments. (There’s a book on the subject of sibling rivalry that is actually titled: I’d Rather Have an Iguana, by Heidi Stetson Mario.)
Parents try to find a balance, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. While you may be feeling that you’re being fair, your older child often feels pushed around and treated unfairly on account of the younger one.
To start with, don’t discourage your older child from honestly expressing what’s on her mind, at least to you, in private. When she says nasty things about her younger brother or sister in front of the small child, you would usually say things like: “What a terrible thing to say! You don’t really hate your sister… You have to be more caring, you’re older.” This forces her to push her feelings underground, where they build up steam. Instead, give her a chance to vent, to you.
By limiting her aggressive responses to the younger child, but permitting the expression of aggressive thoughts and feelings, you’ll actually diminish sibling rivalry, in the long run. Respond to her complaints with genuine understanding. For instance: “I know you’re very angry with Baby because she grabbed your origami. She’s too young to understand how hard you worked on it. But I promise I’m going to try harder to keep her out of your way.” And do seriously see to it, visibly and demonstratively, that Baby too begins to learn to respect Didi’s things.
Some parents even go so far as to share a secret humourous/comical moment with their older child, when the younger one is being particularly bothersome, but needs to be accommodated at the moment.
Sometimes young siblings can get into pretty rough physical fights too. Though the fist-fest you witness between your kids may not seem like it, a whole lot of emotional and social processes are being put in place during this time, quite naturally, and at an early stage: sharing of parental love and attention, developing patience, dealing with irrationality/ unfairness, caring and responsibility, and other such issues. Many corners are rounded off during the growing years, consciously as well as unconsciously. This prepares children to deal later with the outside adult world of co-operative living, team work, sharing of resources, relationship building, social skills, putting up with idiosyncrasies etc.
However, it can be quite trying for a parent to constantly play referee and third umpire during these friendly and not-so-friendly ‘matches’, so you could try one simple device, that one parent has honed to perfection: ‘go deaf ’ and ‘become invisible’ the minute they come up to you for arbitration and intervention! Simply refuse to engage. Get involved only if there is any chance of serious physical damage to life, limb or property (which a fight between two boys can quickly escalate into). For bickering, name-calling, grabbing space/stuff, arguing over what to play and who said what to whom, become totally unavailable.
There will be a longish phase, of several years, when your kids will truly feel that they dislike each other deeply. However, rest assured that they can’t do without each other. While things do sort themselves out between siblings, parents need to do their bit too. Sibling relationships have much to do with how we feel about ourselves, as well as how we relate to others throughout our lives.