Find ways to pull up your children so that they see their mistakes, but are not publicly humiliated.
When our children do something that ‘gives cause for complaint’ – something that teachers/neighbours/other parents disapprove of – the situation is often a tense or awkward one. It calls for a fine balance on the part of parents. They have to find a way of responding to the situation appropriately, without over-reacting or under-reacting.
However, often we are unable to do this, and adopt either of two rather extreme positions. Some parents go in for the ‘court-martial’ method. They immediately come down hard on the child, right in front of other people, cross-examine him angrily, give him or her a tongue-lashing, and could even resort to giving the child a few slaps. They then order him to apologize immediately, also providing the text of the apology: “I am a very bad, thoughtless boy, and I should know it is bad to play cricket near glass windows, and I will never do it again”…and other such ‘scripts’. In this way, we feel we have made the child see, accept and atone for his mistake, all in one go. More importantly, in this way we feel that we have demonstrated to people that we are right-thinking, fair people, and will not hesitate to punish our own kids instantly and effectively if they are in the wrong. We are actually ourselves so embarrassed at being ‘caught out’ by our child’s behaviour, and we fear that people will judge us as ‘bad’ or ‘irresponsible’ parents. So we need to shout even louder at our kids than the situation requires!
Some parents take the other route, that of the cover-up. They instantly and firmly deny the ‘charges’, come up with justifications on their child’s part, or simply dismiss the complaint by saying: “she’s only a child after all”. They may even take the whole issue to the adult-to-adult level, mounting an elaborate and loud defence campaign to prove that their child is not in the wrong. Here the parent cannot stand criticism of any kind that is aimed at the child, and uses all energies to deflect the charges.
If we have the best interests of our child at heart, neither court-martial nor cover-up options are appropriate parenting. When such a situation arises, it is best to first quietly listen to the person making the complaint. You can call your child out and have him/her listen too. After this, it would be best to say: “I need to speak to my child in private, and I will get back to you on this.” Then, in the privacy of your home, you can take up the issue with the child, get to the bottom of the matter, tell your child that his behaviour has really saddened/angered you, and ask him to go apologize or offer to make amends in some way, if it is required.
This is the only way that misbehaviour can be corrected and your child’s dignity maintained too. Court-martials or cover-ups are both uncalled for. They are unrealistic and ineffective parenting behaviours, and will not help in building your child’s character or emotional strength in any lasting sense.