Recognize and appreciate your children’s special, likable qualities. A child’s self-image influences his social behaviour and growth, at all levels.
As parents, some of our duties are well-defined. We know we have to provide physical and mental nutrients to our children: good food, sports, schooling, reading habits, financial security, medical attention, etc. These provide for children’s health, comfort, growth, intellectual stimulation and development, and career options in the future.
But there are a whole lot of invisible and intangible essential nutrients that we provide our children too. These are emotional nutrients – in the form of love, trust, faith, confidence, self-esteem, and many more. If one had to single out any one of these as absolutely vital for a child, it would be self-esteem. We could say that self-esteem is the base nutrient – which helps the child absorb and process all other inputs.
Only if children feel good about themselves can they thrive and soar. In fact, misbehaving children are often those lacking in self-esteem. Since they don’t have the confidence to belong through positive ways, they try to make their mark or find their place amongst family and friends through bad behaviour. On the other hand, children who do well, are friendly and popular, are usually those who think well of themselves, who like themselves.
What is self-esteem and how do children acquire it? How do we provide it to them?
Self-esteem is the image or picture of ourselves that each of us carries in our minds. This image or picture is constructed through our experiences and is strongly influenced by the messages that others send – most importantly, by the messages that the child’s immediate family sends out. The way we interact with children on a daily basis influences the picture that they construct of themselves. We let them know through our language and our actions that they are capable and worthwhile; or we signal that they are worthless, a burden, and ultimately unlovable.
What type of self-image are you helping your children to construct? It would be extremely revealing to keep a small mental or written log, for one full week, of what you say to your children that contributes to their self-image. All negative feedback in one column, all genuine positive feedback in another column.
Many parents believe that they are harsh and tough on their children, and withhold praise, to make their kids ‘better people’. Tough love, as it is called, is one thing. But repeatedly telling your kids that they are worthless, irresponsible, careless, ungrateful, lazy…(the list is long!) is simply creating poor self-images.
While children receive messages from many sources, parents have a huge influence on the way children see themselves. In fact, when children are very young their sense of self is linked to their parents. Hence our own self-image and self-esteem hugely influences that of our children. A father was heard telling his son: “You and me are Big Zeros – so we have to work hard, study hard, only then will the world respect us.” Is this supposed to be motivational talk? I really don’t think so. You can hear this adult’s self-dislike and doubt, loud and clear. And it is being passed on to the child. Nothing positive can come from this kind of talk.
Some ways to promote self-esteem in children:
Recognize and appreciate your children’s special, likable qualities.
Give your children realistic responsibilities that he can carry out successfully.
Accept imperfection. Let kids know that mistakes are part of learning.
Encourage children to do things just for the joy it gives them, and not for constant improvement and achievement.
Building self-esteem in your child is an on-going, subtle, and highly essential aspect of parenting. Work hard at it, and it will bring both you and your child lasting emotional rewards.