Never reject the child outright, leaving him or her out in the emotional cold. Help your children deal with their sexual curiosity in a healthy and guilt-free way.
The mother of a 12-year-old boy was extremely disturbed. She logged on to her computer, and found that the child had been visiting a pornographic site. Too shaken up to say anything at the time, she told his father, who confronted the child when he returned from school. At first the boy denied it totally, and then asked in a small voice: “How did you come to know?” After that, all hell broke loose, with both parents threatening to tell the whole neighbourhood, to send him off to boarding school, and a whole lot of other threats and warnings.
The atmosphere in the house for the next few days was tense, gloomy, and angry. Neither parent could put the event behind them. The mother completely stopped any physical contact with him, expressing to a close friend that she now felt ‘repulsed’ as if some ‘pervert’ had taken the place of her innocent, child-like son in their house. Morning rituals of the mother waking him up with a gentle pat, or the father horsing around with him in friendly boxing or wrestling – were abruptly dropped. On top of this, both parents had begun to make bitter and taunting references to him now being ‘old enough’ – whenever he asked for any help or showed any hesitation about everyday chores or household responsibilities. Suddenly, the child’s world had turned. At this rate, the child could suffer from lifelong guilt and self-disgust about his own sexuality.
This is a difficult situation indeed, for any parent. With the Internet bringing free and easy access to pornography, sadly, many adolescents’ first ideas and imaginings about sex are fed by crude pictures and text. The parent simply does not get a chance to introduce the subject as a natural human process that must always be associated with intimacy, love and caring. However, even after such a situation has arisen, it is possible to handle it with great sensitivity. In this way, you can a) ensure that your child does not get overly secretive and obsessed with pursuing such explorations b) ensure that your child has a healthy, balanced, age-appropriate idea about the role of sex in human life.
The crossing over from adolescence to young adulthood is such a delicate and complex process. As parents, let us help our children along, building a bridge on which the child can walk, rather than abruptly pushing him on to the other side, or worse, dropping him into a sea of doubt, confusion and rejection.
What do you do in a similar situation?
Never reject the child outright, leaving him or her out in the emotional cold.
Never make it a taboo topic between your child and you.
Never threaten to ‘tell everyone’.
Never laugh, scorn or mock the incident.
Never pretend it’s a big joke – ‘boys will be boys’ – and let it just pass.
Never explain sex as ‘a bodily function’ – just like eating or going to the toilet.
Always remain connected with your child, even if you’re finding it difficult to digest the idea that your baby is now suddenly an adolescent.
Always keep the lines open, even after you’ve had a quiet talk, so that your child can bring up any future doubts and questions on the subject.
Always keep the incident private; even if you do share it with a friend or counselor, do not let your child know.
Always discuss the issue in a serious but easy manner – it is neither a joke nor a huge crisis.
Always emphasize that sex, intimacy, love and caring are bound together.
Assist your children to blossom into adulthood and not simply blunder their way awkwardly into it.