is at ease with herself and the world around her. Foster genuine interest in the world around them and watch your children’s social skills grow.
“My 11-year-old daughter can get along with anyone from the age of 2 years to 102 years!” – a mother says in a half-surprised and half-proud manner. Indeed it’s something to be quite proud of. Obviously this child has what in old-fashioned terms would be called Social Graces. Which does not mean that she knows when to say thank you, sorry and please. It’s a much more multi-faceted skill than mere ‘good manners’. It signals the fact that this child:
is at ease with herself and the world around her.
is interested in the lives of other people
has an inclination to intersect in even small ways with others
has the ability to interact appropriately
In short, this child is Socially Intelligent. How did she develop these facets of Social Intelligence? Was she simply born with them? A socially well-adjusted child is usually one who has been blessed with parents who have invested in more than just her food, clothing and schooling. Almost every aspect of socially intelligent behaviour can be taught, learnt, practiced and developed further.
By example: The first ‘tuition’ in social skills comes from the behaviour and attitudes of parents themselves. Children constantly pick up verbal as well as non-verbal clues from their parents’ social interactions. Your own genuine, pleasant and non-toxic social behaviour is a great teacher.
Conscious involvement: Call upon your kids to socialize with guests and visitors. It may be something as small as expecting them to sit down and hold a 5 minute conversation with the person while you are busy elsewhere. Also, when you visit people, do bother to talk to any children present in terms beyond the superficial “what’s your name which school do you go to” kind of thing. Don’t ‘make conversation’, do genuinely converse with kids.
Tell them about people: Clue your kids in on the people they meet. For instance, if you’re going to a wedding, you could tell your kids in advance a little something about who they’re going to meet – an old aunt may be a bird-watcher, another guest collects stuff, someone else plans to go on a trek, etc. This way your kids are already primed to relate to people as individuals and not just a mass of people who they have to smile and say hello to.
Acknowledge everyone: As far as possible, a child entering a room full of people, should be encouraged to acknowledge everyone present – it may be a smile, a nod, a handshake, a hello…even to family chauffeurs and house-help.
A good dose of reality: Don’t overshield your kids from some of the harsher realities around them. For instance, take them with you on a hospital visit, if the ill person likes kids or your child in particular. Even if it is a brief moment, encourage your child to make eye contact, hold the patient’s hand, tell him or her something interesting that is going on in the outside world – however small.
Count them in: Expect your kids to be sociable. They don’t have to be the ‘life of the party’ – but even shy kids should be encouraged to be a little sociable in mixed gatherings of young and old. Sometimes we count them out, saying – “He’s too shy, he won’t talk.” or “She’s in her own world, don’t bother to talk to her,” or “These kids are not interested in us Oldies.” This reinforces shy or unfriendly behaviour.
Of course, we’re not interested in creating over-talkative, socially hyper kids at all. What we’re looking for, as in all matters of parenting, is a fine balance. Once you’ve taught your kids social graces, it’s like teaching them to cycle: they’ll never forget how to, and they’ll always move confidently forwards!